jayssymphony

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Person in my gas station talking to someone on the phone: ...We're in Ohio...

Me, knowing we're in Utah: ????

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a hungry wolf grabbed the sacred toad

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i am nooooot locked the fuck in. im locked the fuck out. call the locksmith

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aquarium advertisments say stuiff like discover the longtooth grouper this friday

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Occasionally as an Australian you'll be talking to someone from overseas, and you'll discover a common phrase you took for granted is, in fact, not universally known outside of our country.

Turns out casually dropping "fuck me dead" into conversation will give unsuspecting Americans an aneurism.

The more you know.

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i hate when top wildlife predators are just lil babies teeny tiny babies

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might seem like a harmless quirk but once you start typing in exclusively lowercase you can never capitalize anything again outside the designated midsentence Gay Emphasis Zones or anyone following you for longer than a week will think you’re about to commit murder

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this too shall pass

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“man i’m glad none of my irl friends can see the shit i post on tumblr”

then i remember

the one

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"If tampons should be free, then so should my diabetes meds."

Yes? Yes they should be? Your life-saving medication that you need in order to live for a condition you were born with should be given to you at no cost?

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was trying to think of the male equivalent of "happy wife happy life" (best I got was "happy husband happy homestead" but that kinda sucks) and then I thought "happy fiancé happy beyoncé" and I laughed so hard I got a little bit lightheaded

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Leonid Pasternak  (Ukrainian, 1862–1945) - The Torments of Creative Work

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any deep breathers online? any fans of a really good deep breath? how about a nice hearty yawn? breathing in a bunch of air feels so good