jayxtrejo

[jayxtrejo]

Lo que más me caga a mi es gente criticona, hablan de sus pasados como que si fueran cosas malas cuando en esos momentos fueron los mejores momentos de su vida y lo que querían y ahora se creen profetas por una mala experiencia, ctm.

La tuya, por si a caso.

[jayxtrejo]

My loyalty to you is due to respect & integrity, not because i lack options.

- MT.

[jayxtrejo]

“I know we’ve said our final goodbye but every time I start to come to the realization that this is it, my heart starts to beat faster, my eyes tear up and my head gets fuzzy. I have to lie to myself, saying it wasn’t the last time, to keep control of myself, to keep me from breaking apart.”

—

[jayxtrejo]

Hello old friend..

Im back, I don’t know why I’m writing again, it’s not like she’s going to read this. Haha, what a fucking ride it has been man. What a FUCKING RIDE. You know if this has really taught me anything it’s that in this life you really can’t rely on anyone & man does that suck because you’re supposed to have another half of heart, aren’t you? It’s times like this I wish I had him back, he always knew what to say, he was always my go to & he is no longer here. Man did he have some knowledge. I miss my bestfriend, funny right? My bestfriend is supposed to be her now but why isn’t she here when I need her the most. People are only down for the good times not a long time. This new pain I’m feeling is something different. I can’t explain it but it’s teaching me things I never knew. The more she lies, ignores, fusses, dubs and avoids.. the more she does that she is just teaching me how to live without her.. I don’t want that, but hey, she’s pushing me to the point of no return. This hurts more than I could have ever imagined, she’s supposed to be my peace, she’s supposed to be the one to finally come save me from the hole I’m in yet I just keep finding myself deeper and deeper in this hell hole. I’ve cried almost every night for the past 4-5 months.. I wake up heavy hearted every day and put on a fake smile.. I push through day by day waiting to be loved and wanted.. but that day never comes, and I honestly feel it never will. But that’s how life is. And now more than ever I realized that his words were more true than ever. Haha, man oh man how blind was I. You always told me “if they wanted to be there, they would. If they wanted YOU to be there YOU would be there” and you know what my man you were fucking right because she isn’t here and I’m not there.. you would be disappointed in me brother. And I failed you, because I said I would never beg and I’m more than past that point. I’ve been lied to, I’ve been played and made a fool. I broke my own heart trying to heal her’s, I broke my number one rule for her and because of her, I’ve put up with so much, you built me up better than this, I need you now more than ever. I am not me anymore. I know you would be so disappointed in me but you more than anyone know that no one has ever stayed in my life, you know that everyone has left me... but i counted on her. I chose her and I thought she would stick around.. I believed in her, I trusted her.. but just like everyone she left too, I know okay, I know. But I fell in love and you know how that is. I devoted myself to her & hahaha man man man I can already hear you saying “estas pendejo o que” amd then laughing about it and proceeding to tell me everything will be okay. But regardless all the bad shit, I know you would have loved her, she’s amazing man, her smile is just to die for. Pinche cabrona man, she’s just perfect. But man has she turned my life upside down. I know okay, she was supposed to bring me peace and I was supposed to make you proud. But I failed you, I failed her, I failed my family, I failed myself. But no worries, I’ll be seeing you soon. Till then, guide me.

Hey again amigo, been a while since I wrote you, so ofc things are now worse. Looks like I might be joining you sooner than I planned. I’m not looking forward to living the next 4 1/2 months tbh. I’ve lost my way and my reason to keep fighting, I’m tieing up lose ends and leaving mi legado para mis amados, todo para la familia, remember? That was always the goal and will always be. As for el amor pues como crea que valió verga haha, man nunca trabaja eso para mi, como que el amor no fue para mi, no se si soy yo o que sea pero pues la perdí my friend, como dice la canción, por no perderte te perdí, y lo que duke es que no puede irme. I don’t know why I can’t just up and walk away as I should pero pues que podemos hacer si el puro corazón la ama la ingrata, man when I tell you you would have loved her I meant it. She’s still the most beautiful angle I’ve ever scene and had in my life. No matter what yo la quiero por bueno o por malo. Pero como todo lo bueno también no dura tanto. All that glitters ain’t gold y pues ella es mi estrella. Pero pues enough of that bro, te escribo pronto. Cuídame.

[jayxtrejo]

You’re going to miss me give a fuck bout’ you, baby.

[jayxtrejo]

Things have changed, the way you cared, the form you loved, the detailed “I love you”, the reminders, the warmth, kisses, hugs, obsession, reassurance, priority, you. A lot has changed since that dreaded day. But for some reason I knew you had already given up on me even though you swore you were fighting and trying I knew those were just comforting lies. I don’t know where I stand at times, some days I feel yours other I feel used. Some days I’m the center of your attention other days I’m just passing through. I don’t know where your heads at tbh not if I’m even what you want anymore. But I will tell you this. Just as you’ve changed I’ve changed also. Every night I used to cry and think about losing you. I used to be scared and feel so vulnerable. But with each of your actions, with each of your no text backs, every time you flake, every broken promise and how your words are just words, every time you blow me off and put someone else first... you, you just make me stronger. You make me realize what this really is. Every time you do something along those lines it speaks to me differently, your pushing me away. I stopped crying and started praying. I stopped being scared and started being more confident. I stopped worrying and started accepting things for what they really are. As I said don’t let temporary people and feeling be the reason I won’t be here when you decide to come back. Don’t let your pride take over and lose the man who truly desires you for you. Don’t let your friends become the reason that you wake one day and I’m no longer here. Don’t wait too long. I can only put up with so much and tolerate so much before I simply start distancing myself. I miss you and I love you, but for those same reasons are the same reason I will not be here waiting for 2,3,4 months till YOU decide you wanna get it right. This ain’t a fucking fairytale where it’s all sunshine and rainbows. This is reality and what we’re going through isn’t such a big deal. I don’t know your true intentions but don’t take advantage either. If I don’t see the effort from you don’t expect it from me. I can give you the world but you don’t deserve it right now. Matter of fact the way your moving right now you don’t deserve me either. Let’s see if anyone of these other dudes does what I do for you and for you like I do. Let’s see if your friends got you like I do. Let’s see them pick you up and rebuild you like I did. Let’s see if they can even measure up to half of what I have done. I know my worth and I know what I bring to the table so don’t test me because I will not be afraid to eat alone. I may love you but your moves are iffy. You don’t do this to the one you love, you don’t go ahead and put me on fucking pause just because you wanna have a good time. How do you expect marriage to work? If this is what your mindset is going to be in the future I don’t want it. The only ones who may come before me for now is your family. And even then that’s pushing limits because they’re not the ones who will be living loving and supporting you for the next years to come. Your friends will not be giving and supporting our family either so they aren’t even in the picture either. I hope you realize this before it’s too late. But I already know what future I want with you. Don’t be the reason it changes. I do things on purpose sometimes to see your actions and the result, I can’t lie you’ve failed a few times. I’ll give you a simple task to see if you can do but even then it fails, which gives me a diff type of understanding as to if you can’t do something so small how do I expect you to over come this we’re going through. Your actions tell me more than your words and they’re saying a lot tbh.

You can’t give me a straight answer no more, but if this is the way it’s meant to be fuck it. I’m honestly starting to see the reality of you. I was blind to a lot of things but just like everything else, the truth always comes out in the end.

I’ve become okay with something. I’m not quite ready to tell you yet.

I will say one thing. Your friends have always been an issue, ALWAYS. They don’t respect me and most of all your relationship, and you have been foolish to ignore that and not put an end to it. But hey, by they’re fault you’ll end up just like them, seems like that’s what you want anyways and I can’t stop that. Like I said, let’s see them push you through life and see how long that last. Those aren’t your friends and you yourself have seen the signs and you still choose to ignore them. If they influence you into doing something that will put our relationship at risk that says a lot and at times the fact you still proceed to do that thing tells me even more from you. It’s sad man it’s really fucking sad, because you have become everything you once told you hated.

Up until now your words are false, what happened to including me in your plans. You think because you see me for a few hrs te la quitas fácil. Yes I enjoy whatever time we have together but I trust what you say and none of what’s been said has even been come close to you doing it. Things are turning left and I’m beginning to have no intentions of making it right. It is what it is. You’re doing all this by choice and it’s what you want. I can’t make you act right, it’s not even mistakes anymore all this is flat out decisions and I hope you’re okay with the outcome.

Tonight I was told and I saw with my own eyes something that made me sick to my stomach. It hurt but not as bad as I it would’ve hurt before, maybe because I knew this was coming already or because I simply knew you were going to fail me again. You’re loyalty is questionable, our faith is tested and you failed once again. I can’t be with someone who’s for everyone.. i can’t build a life with someone who’s making me look stupid in front of others, you’re for everyone except me. But here I am at fucking 3:26 AM still waiting up for you hoping you’ll call but knowing you won’t because you just don’t care. I gave you a simple task and you couldn’t do that. You can’t go with your friends without some dude being involved how fucking sad yet you expect me to trust you? Jokes on me. I don’t know anymore I use to be so sure but you’ve pushed me to my limit tonight. I gave you everything. It wasn’t enough. You’re mother was right. Now we see who really cared and who never did, I have always loved you more. But I’m taking a different approach today. I do love you. Always will. Sad you didn’t.

And at the end of the day, ima still be here regardless because my love didn’t have a limit or restrictions for you, the person I want the most. The one I sought out my future with is also the one who wrecked me into dust wondering and questioning myself as to if I’m good enough for you.. I always tried seeing the good in you, I always tried to see you for a better person but your actions always pointed otherwise and you showed me your true colors. I didn’t deserve this, I didn’t. But I love you still, so now I’m at a loss again & stuck.

[jayxtrejo]

[jayxtrejo]

[jayxtrejo]

4. Yo tenía la intención de cuidarte y amarte, pero tú elegiste alejarte y por eso voy a preferir olvidarte.

[jayxtrejo]

Unfinished, continued....

I feel empty again, I’m back in solitude..

Things just seem different for some reason, I can’t put my finger on it it’s just a wave of sadness

Either I’m growing with you or out growing you.

Your priorities are becoming more clear.

Im starting to become okay with certain ideas..

I think it’s time..

Im outside again.

I know I’m not the easiest person to deal with, I require a lot of attention, I get upset easily and make a fuss over the smallest things but, but I also tend to over love to care more than I should to give more than I receive to simply just love unconditionally, maybe my problem had been that I’ve never had the same effort reciprocated back.. maybe it’s been given to me in the wrong ways or the ways you think are okay, not the way it should. I have a damaged past and for that same reason I am a better person for YOU today.. but for that same reason I am a damaged individual who’s also just lost and needs guidance who longs to become your only priority maybe I’m selfish, maybe I really am asking you too much, why should I feel the way I do when all I’m honestly asking in return is just your unconditional love and affection and to be made first before everything and everyone.. maybe this wasn’t meant for me, right person wrong time, maybe you’re the one that’s not ready for me.. I’ve been afraid of that scenario tbh but it might be the only thing that makes sense at this point and I don’t know how to really feel about that.

I hate being put second.

Inconsistent, you’re doing it again. Is it really that hard to have even a smidge of your fucking attention. Still facing the same problem. But honestly ima let it fucking go, if you wanna talk to me you would, if you wanted me their you would. If you care you will. I have no control over that.

What’s meant for me will never miss me and what isn’t will make its way out my life without interrupting a thing.

Im sad..

It’s our first anniversary since our “break” and honestly more than ever I want to spend it with you till the night runs down... but of course you have other plans already not involving me & i have to be “okay” with because that’s what you want but it’s not fair...

I want you all to myself..

I love you & miss you so much..

The reality of it all is I’m just damaged goods trying to be enough, I look to you at times, the person I want to be around me is sometimes the person who is also never around when I need the most.. I’ve become to accept that. You don’t understand how much it hurts because of how much I’ve invested.. having a heart this big is such a fucking burden. Cursed if you will.

Why do I allow myself to be put through this..

Will it get better or am I just hoping it will

I have to start facing your reality.. your mindset and wants and needs.. the fact you, might just not be ready..

Im not enough. I’m wearing down.

Distance.

Chance.

Inconsistent.

Sorrow.

Love.

TLC.

Demise.

Uplift.

Im crying again.. just like that first day after the incident..

Im so sorry. I love you.

Waited up all night and still couldn’t get some attention. That’s okay, getting use to it.

I was up all night hoping for a text back..

Today felt a bit easier, still unsettling but easier.

Feeling lonely again.

This range of emotions is terrible...

I miss you.

I love you..

I think one of the scariest parts of all this is that I don’t know what you’re doing or saying on your end.. like I could be over here talking about “we’re good” and all that but your still on your “break” hype saying we aren’t together or worse..

I think that’s always an issue that you never know what the other one is doing behind your back and you will never know, but a FYI you’re always good on my end. Never have to worry, I can’t say the same for you in all honesty & I don’t know how that makes me feel.

I hate not seeing you & it’s killing me not asking to see you but I’m trying to give you that space you ask for yet it just seems like there’s more distance each time.

I hate not being able to hug you all the time as before

I hate not being shown off

I hate this

I hate this I fucking this

I know this is a process but for how much longer..

I guess as long as it takes, right?

It’ll be okay, right?

Yes, it has too..

We didn’t come all this way for nothing. I know we didn’t. We did all this for a reason.. show me.

Love me, miss me, long for me. Please...

I love you..

I hate this fucking distance

I hate not seeing you... I miss you so much.

Your smile

Your face

Your laugh

Your lips

Those big brown eyes

Your little tummy

You, I just miss you.. soooo much.

Had to get on the phone to hear your voice.

That text saying you wanted to tell me “I love you” again made my heart melt.

Sometimes you just gotta accept that certain things are out control & do with whats still their.

Once again, you have just let me down.

It’s sad honestly, not even mad.

I just gotta accept I’m not that important of a person in your life as you say I am. Your actions speak louder than words. Worst part is believing in your words and trusting you all for it to just come crashing down, once again.. you’re the only one who causes this. Yet you expect changes from me when I can’t get the minimum from you.

It’s painful, thinking I come first. Haha, funny how shit works.

Do your thing tho, you just keep showing me where I truly stand in your life.

Why do you love to cause me pain, better yet. Why do I still continue to allow it. Am I just a fool. Do I love you blindly without any restrictions, am I still hoping for the best. Whatever the reason is, I’ll never know.

Each day you just stray more and more. You used to want to spend everyday with me, now I can’t even get the time of day..

It’s changing and it hurts.. it’s killing me on the inside.

I just miss you and wanna see you. But of course you choose others than me as usual..

Sucks that I’m not your priority no more, that whatever we have comes last now. It’s more clear what you really want and where I stand in your life.

I had plans of taking you for a nice dinner tonight then coming home for a movie night and catering to you since you’re not feeling right. But all that’s gone to trash.. you prefer otherwise I’m just not important no more.

Little things..

The effort should be coming from both of us not just me. It’s all one sided & it’s what you want. Not me.

I’m back to looking at my old self in the mirror.

I brought this upon myself, so in reality theirs nothing and no one else to blame but myself.

I always sought out you’d be the correct change and person I needed. Don’t get me wrong, you brought change and you’re someone I love but as the days progress that just seems to be the thing I’m now longing for the most.

What hurts and is upsetting the most is I plan my days along side you telling you about my days and how it went to just having your undivided attention, to be loved and cared for, to give you all I can and within seconds your priorities change and now you’re doing something else. As if you didn’t give two fucks about what our plans and did what you want instead even if that means canceling last minute but hey I’m not surprised, natter a fact I should be used to it by now but here I am still trying to see the better in you.

Sad isn’t it?

The worst part is I’ve told you that I’ve been feeling down and out and just so sad and all I wanted is you, you’re nowhere to be found..

Another possibility is maybe I’m the one for you but you ain’t the one for me.. yet I still chose you.

I had hopes of keeping this note going for years, for us to look back on and reminisce on when we have our children and are enjoying our older years. Today you let your actions do all the talking and after tonight I know what I am and where I stand. Today i am now finished with tears in eyes and glass in my throat. This is my last note, i have one thing left to say, I have loved you from day 1, I have always had trust in you no matter the circumstances, you have been my pride and joy and also my priority for that matter. I have put you above everyone and everything. I have loved you more than I have loved myself. I gave you more than I could ever give anyone. I cherished every second at your side. I craved every last kiss you gave me. I love you with out conditions or restrictions. I gave you my best and it wasn’t enough. You took advantage of me, knowing I’d forgive you every time. You made me look a fool infront of others and never gave me my place. I wasn’t your priority. Talk was cheap. I wanted you forever and you wanted me forever. But my “forever” was for eternity and your “forever” was only for a year and few months. No matter how low you sunk me down I still stood by you, no matter what you did I stood by you.. no matter the situation I picked you up and pushed you through it for you to come out on top. I didn’t receive the same from you. I broke my rules for you, bent regulations and all. I ran act the world for you when you couldn’t even walk a mile for me. Your interpretation of things will always be different because you will never see wrong by your part. Because to you the bare minimum is enough and will always be “enough”, nevertheless I never asked for much. But it was always too much for you. I held your name in the highest of podiums y de ti todo a manos llenas. Maybe I should have done things differently, maybe I should have been a little harder. But I couldn’t, you are my princess, my muse the only one I ever cared about for that matter. I took the honor in being a lot of your first time things events and moments, every minute spent by your side was heavenly and I couldn’t of asked for nothing better. I have no regrets. You are what I want but I’m not what you deserve. May be you’re the right person wrong time or maybe this just ain’t it. You are so many things but you are the one I’ll truly ever love most of all. You had so many defects and I fixed them, rebuilt you and made you into something new. I dealt with all your insecurities and loved you as you were. Your greed and selfishness got the best of you. You pushed me away mentally and you didn’t notice. You let others come before me & didn’t give me my rightful place. You are blinded by whats you want and not what’s right, you let it get the best of you.

Our faith was tested and lost.

I love you Emily & nothing will ever change that, I have no regrets, this is my final note, I will no longer be writing. I hope you get to read this.

[jayxtrejo]

3. I should want to go back to the one I started with but I'm addicted to this life, it's gonna be hard to quit. Yeah, just ask me how things are coming along, you could tell me that you've never heard none of my songs, as long as you end up saying one day you plan to listen, ‘cause what's a star when it's most important fan is missing?

[jayxtrejo]

[jayxtrejo]

2. No habrire para nada tu carta, ni sabre lo que me hayas escrito, en un marco pondre tu retrato y en mi mano otra copa de vino.

[jayxtrejo]

[jayxtrejo]

BB; Amorfoda.

[jayxtrejo]

1. Un monton de recuerdos ingratos, una carta que no se ha leido, un retrato tirado en el suelo y en mi mano una copa de vino

[jayxtrejo]

Stop trying so much, love isn’t meant to be forced. If they wanted you their, you’d be there.