jayyrayy90

[jayyrayy90]

I can live without the relationship... We never had to be together if that's how u wanted it... Yes, I still think about you but ya know what........

More than anything... I miss the bond.... The friendship.... Having someone who knows me better then I knew myself.... Someone I could trust with all my unspoken thoughts.....

I just miss my best friend..... I thought we'd at least always be friends bc u used to tell me how you'd want us to be if we ever split.

IDK why everything was an act and u played me the way u did but I hope u know I'm permanently damaged by it.... This scar will never go away.....

I hope that was ur intentions!!!!

[jayyrayy90]

Provisional

Allow me to set this record straight, a personal piece as it always is. Relationships are not what I desire, nor anything more is how I live.

Blame it on the past as you may, consider those partners I’ve failed. But before you assume understanding, know why it is that I bailed.

My decision to end things are equal, as it’s not ideal for either of us. People wanting love from me, should realize I’m incapable of such.

These feelings only rose so far, to care deeply without being bound. Why even waste their time, if another is where that may be found?

I’m honest about how I see things, for better and more often worse. Though misery loving its company, I won’t wish anyone this curse.

Better I be a middle man for some, giving temporary a better name. Until they’re off to follow a dream, while I return again to the same.

[jayyrayy90]

Can you be kind to me?

I stayed up till dawn on the phone with you through every heartbreak.

I made sure you knew your existence mattered until I forgot my own.

Be kind to me.

I wrote you a letter.

You didn't write back saying it was over. I had to assume.

Be kind to yourself.

You are the farthest thing from perfect.

I'm the farthest thing from a dream girl.

But you made my heart sigh on all those dull days and dark nights.

You braved your storms even if they left you cold.

So be kind to yourself.

Be kind to yourself so that you know how it feels.

Be kind to yourself so that you know good people exist.

Be kind to yourself so that you know flaws are not banishments.

Be kind to yourself.

Because only then

Can you be kind to me.

[jayyrayy90]

You lied to me again & I'll never understand why it's so impossible for you to tell the truth..

Why continuously tell me u care and love me when....

You and I both know....

You've proven to me over a billion times.....

YOU DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT ME!!!!

You've shown me that more than you've ever shown me that u care!!!!!

[jayyrayy90]

Nights like this make me believe I really am going mentally insane!!!!

I know my son has been gone since December 3rd, 2019 so why do I still hear him?? At times, I would bet my life that I had just saw him!.. I've even felt him literally touch me... Yet, when I look around I can't find him.. It makes absolutely no sense why I'd even look for him when I know he's gone!!!

I gotta keep telling myself that he's gone and he's never coming back bc sometimes I feel like I'm losin my mind....

I'd give my last breath to have one more day with my son. I'd give up everything to be able to hold him & aggravate him one more time..

I miss him soooo fuckin much and not having him hurts..

So many thoughts run through my mind about him but the main one that really bothers me is wondering if he thinks I just gave up on him or abandoned him...

The last picture I have of him, I could see the fear and hurt in his eyes and it's just so painful to look at...

Son,

You saved me and I'd move mountains to get to you if it were possible... Wherever you are, I pray u always know that I love u very much. I miss you and think about you every single day!!!!

Im so sorry I failed you!!!

[jayyrayy90]

Although she continuously pushed it aside, the unlived life within began to surface. It didn't feel to be of butterflies and rainbows. It was dark and painful.. An unraveling of hidden layers. exposing untold truths.

A daily facing of demons, reminding her of the person that exist within. Behind the masks and under the skin... Inside the fibers of the quiet depths.. The portions which are wrapped in between the negative comforts.

Will full uprooting ever take place? Or will the demons continue to stir within? Will they continue to speak, rise and play russian roulette with all untold wants and mistakes?

Broken smile truths continue to cut the heightened corners, while war remains at play with the two lives that exist within every single day.

[jayyrayy90]

I gave you my whole being, heart, and soul every day, and dedicated so much effort to you, to making you happy, to trying to make our relationship better and stronger. I did this even though you didn’t even want me for the entire six years. Every day, I tried so hard to prove to you that I could love you forever and take care of you forever. I don’t know why I loved you so much, or was so willing to dedicate the rest of my life to you.. None of it makes sense, and I don’t understand it, but for whatever reason I just loved you so hard that now it just makes me feel so much pain. All I know is that I felt deep in my soul a connection to you.

You haven’t been alone this whole time like I have been, so of course everything has been easier for you, and you haven’t had to ask me to do anything to make this easier for you, because you have had the one thing that can make the pain go away this whole time—a new bae. It’s a shield for you, knowing you can go wherever you please, because you’ll have someone—I don’t have that protection, and you had no compassion for that immense vulnerability of mine.

I deserve to hate you. You took everything from me, you destroyed me, and everything I worked so hard to build with you. I deserve to hate you.. I have been broken into an unrecognizable version of myself.. I’ve been holding on, tears always just beneath the surface, a scream always beneath the surface, pain and anger right there every day hidden in a cloud of smoke and mirrors.. But most of all, it has been sadness. Sadness creeping in every time I lay my head down to rest alone, knowing you are laying yours down next to another in my place. Sadness creeping in every time something makes me think of you, sadness every time I am reminded that I did mostly everything right, that I tried my hardest to be good to you, and yet I am alone now, and you are not...

I’ll give you some credit, I will. You tried, you did try a lot. I asked a lot out of you, because I gave a lot to you. And if one person is always trying and giving so much more, and caring so much more, then things can never last.

I have loved you.

A little, a lot, too much. Tenderly and passionately. I have been honest, unreserved, sincere. From the beginning until the end. I have granted you my trust, given you my time, invested my energy in order to build – at least that was what I thought, what I hoped – a beautiful story. I have given you all of that, as well as my body and my heart. My soul. I thought we were connected,  magnetic. I wanted to see a unique story within our special bond, an alchemy of bodies, an osmosis of feelings, an unyielding reciprocity.

I thought you were the one.

My other, my obvious, new found and yet familiar. I have allowed hope to guide me, thinking that our story finally had the right to exist in broad daylight. Yes I believed, after so many ordeals, frustrations and bad choices, so much pain endured, that it was finally obvious.

It’s true, I should have known better. I opened up my heart for you and you stepped on it. I gave you my trust, total and blind and you used me. Yes used. It was only ever a game to you. Sneaky, unhealthy and dishonest. A seduction game, a dare, a mean of filling your void, of helping you forget the boredome of your existence. I was recreational. A toy within your grasp, a ragdoll.

For months, I struggled with my self-worth, my confidence and most importantly my own self-love all because of what you had done to me. I vividly remember crying myself to sleep as I tossed and turned and when, the hands of sleep finally had its hands over me I’d wake from night terrors.. I often felt my stomach turning and found myself clenching my fists struggling for control as the thought of you crossed my mind. I’d feel my chest tighten at the thought of seeing you one day. I specifically remember waking up each morning trying to understand why you so carelessly hurt me.

Then it happened, I realized you honestly loved playing with my emotions, making me feel on top of the world the one day and bringing me down crashing the very next. None of this should have come as a surprise as you had been playing with my emotions since the very first day.

It took me a while to realize that I was investing so much of myself into someone who was not emotionally mature enough to know what it meant to have someone like me, to have someone give so much even after you destroyed them.

I remember never knowing where I stood with you because you were always inconsistent one day, I was your Little Gem and the next not. I never knew if you even liked me back. I say like because I truly loved you, all of you and though you said you loved me to, I know you never did. You just loved how I made you feel. How forgiving and trusting I was, caring and helpful, you took advantage of me, every which way you could. I opened up to you. I trusted you with words I hadn’t shared with another soul, made you aware of my past demons and all those in my life who tried so desperately to bring me down. Yet, you are by far the worst – you played with my feelings till you were unsure. You see, you have said that I wasn’t enough and that you were not choosing me, but I was never bad enough to let go of without actually giving it some thought. You would take your time thinking if being with me was worth anything to you and would torture me in the process. Treating me as though I did not exist while you entertained everyone else around you. You would literally go out of your way to make me feel insignificant and small. You brought up insecurities in me which I never knew existed, things I never had to deal with. I was afraid to let you know what was on my mind or what I was feeling that particular day, in fear that you would just up and leave. Even though I kept a lot to myself, it never stopped you from leaving. I would set out healthy boundaries to make myself feel more secure with us and time and time again, you would disregard them as your ego meant far more to you than your partners tears. You took advantage in such a way that you were always asking for my love and understanding and yet never being emotionally available to me.

I've been thinking a lot about how things ended up the way they did. I have so many unanswered questions and so many unspoken and unexpressed emotions. It's so hard to imagine that when we first met I was so broken and lost. But somehow, when you looked at me with those eyes, I felt safe and at ease. I never thought I would connect and trust somebody so fast as I did with you. You coerced me out of my shell, out of my safe bubble and made me really take in the world for what it was. As our relationship carried on, I felt okay being vulnerable with you and opening myself up and exposing my flaws to you. When I did, you told me that you would still love me no matter what. You always told me that it was okay and that everything would be alright. But little did I know that things would never truly be alright.    

Deep down I never really believed things would be fine. But I attempted to make the best of it. I'm sorry for all of the times that I expressed the problems, worries or stress I had going on in my life. I didn't know that sharing my feelings and concerns with you would "ruin your day.” I'm also sorry that I stressed you out and apparently did not love you enough. I’m sorry that I pushed you to the point where you had to go out of your way to seek love from someone else that you knew I was worried and uncomfortable with you being around. And lastly, I'm sorry I didn't live up to your expectations.   

What you did to me – is something I did not expect from you. All I ever did is love you. I prioritized your happiness over mine; even over to my family. I gave you my full attention, but all those years I am just a decoration in your life, a hidden secret. Because I loved you too much over the span of 6 years. It was a life of constant pain but it was okay bc I loved you. And the pain of losing you is unbearable compared to the physical and emotional pain you’ve caused.

Your love was like looking in a mirror: My soul reflected back to me. Only, I didn’t realize it. That is why it hurt so badly when you didn’t look back. I never chased myself, so why would you? When you disregarded my feelings it was just me overlooking myself. I always put others first so why wouldn’t you. You loved me like I loved myself: Not at all. When you looked at me, I was seeing myself reflected in your eyes. I made it okay for you to devalue and belittle me. I wasn’t worth it in my own eyes, so why would you think differently? I didn’t respect me. Why would you?

I was living in a false mindset that if I led with loyalty everything else would fall into place. No wonder love was so gut wrenching.

[jayyrayy90]

I have come to accept that you are now just a distant memory that has left a deep void in my heart. I knew I was playing with fire when we first got together, but I ignored all the red flags in the hope of finding true love.

Like a hit and run accident, you drove right in to me at full speed and left me there to suffer, while you drove away with someone new and never looked back. That girl I once knew and fell in love with, my best friend, brutally abandoned me and left me for another in the blink of an eye. - That girl doesn’t exist anymore. I miss her terribly.

Your last words to me expressed how I’m irrelevant to you, how you are ashamed of me, how you don’t like me, and how you don’t love me. I know I had my own flaws and shortcomings and I take full responsibility for them, but I loved you so much, I trusted you. I was loyal and always by your side to support you through your darkest moments. You may have had your reasons but I don’t know if you will ever take responsibility or admit to yourself how you went about the breakup with such indifference, ruthlessness and complete lack of empathy for the irreversible destruction and trauma it may have caused. Nor does it seem like you care.

So many days went by walking on egg shells around you. I chose my words wisely and withheld every thought and feeling that could have potentially upset or enraged you. Honestly, I should have walked away in the beginning and saved myself..

All this time, I have been in mourning, believing you were a loss. But you had turned jagged at the edges, and every time I touched you, I bled. Still, patient, and blindly, devastatingly in love, I kept reminding myself of the days you were soft. I kept forgiving you for things you weren’t apologizing for. I kept, while you had long let go. I am done burning my knees for you, scrubbing my own blood out of the carpet, pretending the cuts don’t sting every time I shower. All this time, I believed that because of the way we always circled back to each other, we must have been meant to be.. You came back to me each time not because of fate, but because my heart is your favorite toy for a while, until you chew it up and spit it back out again. I wanted to see the best in you, so I finger-painted the truth into a prettier picture, called it written in the stars, always dutifully bringing light to your darkness.

Since taking some space from your onyx polluted sky, I see things clearly. I am ready to step out of your shadow, to start keeping some of my light for myself. So I buried the girl I used to be here, along with all of these memories and all of this film. I’ll never let anyone treat me that way again. Still, I hope someday, you will remember what’s buried here. I hope you will pay your respects.

[jayyrayy90]

I still can’t believe how blind and naive I was. I allowed you to manipulate me and play with my heart like it’s bulletproof. I trusted you and you betrayed me. I loved you and you threw that love straight into my face. You took my feelings and all of my efforts for granted, then tossed them away like they were worthless. You pushed me aside and made me feel like I was unlovable. I could feel my self-love leaving my system. I could hear my confidence hitting rock bottom. Suddenly all the pain transformed into numbness. I couldn’t cry anymore. I must have ran out of tears. I couldn’t think about all the could-haves and should-haves. My mind was blank. My feelings exhausted. I was so dangerously in love that I couldn’t see how wrong you actually were for me. I couldn’t see all the ways in which you were killing me.

I was blinded by how much I loved you. I lost myself in the process. Forgot how to string the words together to tell you how I feel. Lost interest in everything. Got pulled back into the depression you took me out of..

You were never there for me. You were clueless about my problems and concerns. You didn’t care how your behavior would make me feel. You were never involved in our relationship. I was the only one investing and making effort. You were always right and I was always wrong. I was needy, even though all I needed was your love and attention. I know now that’s not something I should’ve begged for.

You said that you would never hurt me. You said you wouldn’t and you fucking did! You beat me to emotional death by doing all those bad things to me. For you, I was the perfect victim because someone had already hurt me. You just came and finished the job. That was a way for you to feel superior. Well, let me tell you something, in love, there isn’t anyone who is superior. In love, both people are equal in all that they do. In love, there is nobody above you or beneath you but instead they are beside you, where your heart is. Oh wait, that is something that you obviously don’t have. If you had a heart, you wouldn’t have hurt me so ruthlessly and intentionally. You knew exactly what you were doing and the damage you'd cause me.

I still remember the day when I met you. You were generous, kind and had the most beautiful smile ever. Too bad that from your sweet mouth there were so many lies that I couldn’t imagine anyone would say. You know, I really didn’t see you coming. You just appeared in front of me and I thought to myself that God himself was sending you to save me from myself. But, as always, I was so wrong. You came into my life like you could feel my wounds that were still bleeding. You were like a wild animal that was feeding on someone’s flesh and that was what you did to me. You knew that I had been through hell and back and that the last thing I needed was someone who would take advantage of me. I can’t blame myself because you were such a damn good actor.

I just don’t understand why you did all that to me. Why all that cheating, name-calling, emotional and physical abuse!!! What did you want to get out of it? Someone who would listen to you blindly? Don’t you know that I already did that because I loved you? You didn’t have to do all those horrible things to me. I just wanted you to love me but you couldn’t even do that because in your own way you were broken too. Like everyone else, you were too proud to admit that. You were such a coward to break an already broken woman. The worst thing was that you didn’t even feel any remorse for doing that.

Your evil shadow with fake affection, you sowed the seeds of death into my very soul. You killed the light and the joy that produced the sincere love and devotion I had for you. My love for you was floating like angels on puffy clouds on a sunny day while your pure evil was sharpening the murderous knife preparing to stab and carve out all that could be pure and divine within me. Your lies were poisonous droplets served cold on a dark and empty promise of greatness. Your complete act was so devious that the devil is probably taking lessons. The holes you left in me are so large that I can't even feel the wind of hope blowing. Your malignancy is so great that still to this day I can't comprehend the depth of your lies and of your deceit, although months have passed. I always believed there is a line you do not cross. You can expect murderers and child molesters to go over that line. You know they are evil. But you make them look like amateurs on their first day. I am now an empty shell, living an empty life. Maybe I loved you too much. Or better still maybe my love was too honest - if one can ever be accused of such thing. I loved you so purely, honestly, and obviously blindly.

Nothing makes sense anymore. Not my life. Nothing really. I lost all my passions and all my intrests. I have travelled on the many various roads to nowhere. I have tried many things. But I dropped everything. Because I no longer trust anything or anyone.

A lot of people tell me to forgive. Not one of them though knows what forgiveness is. They all read books but have they lived? Have they visited the distant foreign land of inexpressible beauty? Have they sailed oceans of love day after day? Have they gone to the darkest depths of their own being? Have they broken their heart, bones, and pocket at the same time? Having been there for so long what can bring me satisfaction? Your pain? Even if you would hurt the most excruciating pains for the rest of your life that wouldn't be enough. That won't even begin to cover it.

What can you do to bring the sunshine back into my life? What can you do so that I can fill my lungs again with faith? There is really nothing. You proved for so long you can't. All you are is fake and dark and malicious. And you cover that with lies. What else is there to say? Human language isn't enough to express it.

I thought you were the love of my life. Instead, I was nothing more than an illusion. Even after all of the betrayal, abandonment and emotional abuse, after the breakup, I will always want the best for you. I will always want to protect you. I will always want to take care of you. Although you broke my heart on so many levels, I will never deny what you meant to me. At the end of the day, I just want you to be happy.

[jayyrayy90]

[jayyrayy90]

[jayyrayy90]

Why do you love me, if I am everything that you hate?

[jayyrayy90]

Dear you,

What can I say?

I’m sitting here in a prison of my own design.  Spiraling.  I sit everyday and watch from my tomb, life as it passes by on the sidewalks below.  I’ve tried so hard to be the person you know I can be.

But it’s as if someone told me where to go without giving me a map.  I mean, how the hell am I supposed to find myself if I have no fucking clue where to start?  I don’t even know what direction to start walking in.  Everything is so backwards and fucked up in my eyes anyway.

I’m slowly losing memories of you, and every good memory gained for a loss of one of yours is at a shit ratio of .2 to 1.  What does this mean for me?  Will I end up growing into one of those lonely old women who always seem angry at the world?  I don’t want to become that.  I’d sooner die than become that.

So tell me love, what can I say, what can I do? To bring you back to me so that we can relive everything again.

[jayyrayy90]

Dear EX,

It hurts to even type that word. Ex. It’s so final. It implies that there is no future and that you and I are only a part of the past and that’s how we’ll be from now on. It makes me sad that things have turned out this way.

You’ve decided that you’re done with me.. I’ll never get to tell you how much this hurts. I’ll never get to tell you that I wanted to get back together. I’ll never get to tell you “I love you” one last time. I want you to know, though, that by doing this, you’ve ruined me.

You ruined me. You were the only person I ever trusted. You were the only person I ever let in wholly, completely, unconditionally. You’re the only person I’ve given my whole heart to. I’m not sure I’ll be able to get every piece back–every piece you smashed and crushed carelessly. You were the one I built my life around and now it’s ruined.

You ripped it away from me. I’ll always wonder if things would have been different if I’d made the change. Would I have been happier? Would you have treated me better? Just how different would it have been?

Worst of all, you turned out to be just like the rest of them. You started out treating me like a king and eventually you stopped choosing me. You stopped caring what I thought or how something made me feel. You always wanted to hang out with everyone else instead of me. Was I not fun enough? Was I not exciting enough for you? Why am I not good enough to be a priority? Why am I not good enough to stay a priority?  Now I’m questioning myself and I’m sure that will never end. Do you see what you’ve done to me?

I don’t think I’ll ever be able to be completely, unabashedly happy again with someone else. I’ll always be comparing them to how it was with you. You broke my heart and I’m trying to piece it back together with stitches and bandages but the scars will remain.

I can see that now–already. I’m going to be suspicious and cautious with everyone from now on because of what you did to me. “I want to keep you forever.” Such bullshit. Why did I ever believe you? How foolish of me. I wish I’d know that when it comes to you, forever has an end. It’s not real.

I guess that’s the most powerful thing you could’ve ever stolen from me. I’ll never be happy that way with someone else. I’ll probably screw it up before I get the chance just like I’m doing now. I’m too negative and cynical and you made me this way. I’m scared now that someone else will do the same thing that you did. I’m absolutely terrified because I know that if this happens again–if I get to that level of trust with someone else only to have it ripped away again–I won’t make it through.

I was my true, unhidden, unrestricted self with you–more than I’ve ever been with anyone. You took advantage of that. You didn’t take it seriously or value it. You have no idea how hard that was or how lucky you were to see that from me. My family doesn’t even get that from me and you did. You’re so ungrateful. I don’t know if I’ll ever be like that with someone ever again after how you’ve betrayed me. Look what you’ve done to me. You’ve made me anxious, depressed, and psychotic. You ruined me.

I know I wasn’t perfect. I’m being forced to move on and I will. Just know that you made that decision for me. You’re the one who drove me right into her arms.

Even so, I want you to know that I loved you unconditionally. Unconditionally means without conditions and no circumstances will make any difference–nothing will change. I still love you. Right now, I still see my future with you. I still want to be your girlfriend, your wife. I’m stupid, I know, and hopefully it will change because you don’t deserve me. But, unfortunately, when the word forever comes out of my mouth, it has no end.

[jayyrayy90]

Why is it, I can suddenly realize that my life is completely worthless? I don't feel that way about other people, just me. Like my life is pointless. And it'll never be anything worthwhile. I can believe in the potential of other people, but when it comes to me. I'm just somehow fooling people that i'm not actually a piece of shit. Like somehow I'm some glitch in the universe where I shouldn't actually exist because there's no point to me. And i'm just gonna wander through life until I die. Alone and worthless. And there's nothing I could do to change this pointless destiny the universe has for me.

[jayyrayy90]

The truth is that I'm tired...

The truth is that I'm done..

There's no point in hiding, cause there no where else to run!! The truth is that I'm hurting. The truth is that I'm weak. The truth is no one really understands me or why I've accepted defeat. The truth is that I'm lost with no where else to go. The truth is my life is passing and I'll never find my home!! The truth is I cant do this, and I'm finally letting go. The truth is that I'm done with this life and always feeling so low.... The truth is its over for me. The truth is I'm already gone. The truth is I'll miss you and I'm sorry i left you alone.

[jayyrayy90]

My life is dying before my very own eyes and there’s no way to revive it because I’m so fucking internally divided between wanting to live to my truest potential and wanting to die before everything becomes inconsequential because I’ve gone entirely fucking mental. This divide is not gentle; it is a wrenching chasm where my insides collide as they make their way to either side. My minds eye opens too wide and I see way too much to be able to keep in touch with reality as everyone around me seems to perceive it.