jdshitstorm

[jdshitstorm]

i’m going back to college and i know i’m not gonna be able to handle it again i know i can’t do it. i can do college classes just fine. i’m talking about the loneliness and absolute shit feelings all the time because i have no real friends and i can’t see chelsea. i’m going to lose my mind without her and any sort of real friends anywhere else. i want to fucking die. chelsea is with another friend right now and posting nudes and stuff on twitter and i’m so jealous for no goddamn reason and she isn’t responding to me and i hate myself because of this super fucking ugly emotion that i’m feeling towards whoever her friend is that’s making her stay up until 3am to do God knows what, even just playing video games, it’s just too much my mind is being attacked with jealousy and untargeted and ambiguous hated for no actual reason and I hate myself for it i hate myself for hating someone i haven’t met, just because they’re taking up my girlfriend’s time and i know chelsea doesn’t mean to not respond, i know she loves me and all that stuff but fuck it hurts it hurts a lot my chest is hurting and literal tears are forming because i want her happy but i hate myself sometimes whenever she’s with other people because of the absolute intensity of the jealous feelings boiling up inside me i just want her to be with me god i’m a shitty person

[jdshitstorm]

hey! i’m back! with another depressive episode! i hate everything!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! someone please fucking end me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[jdshitstorm]

i dont even care anymore i hate it i haaate it i hate being alone i hate this i'm always alone in college all i have to look forward to is chelsea and it hurts being in love with her because jada exists and i want them both happy, 101% but i also just want chelsea to be with me like a lot like i'm still too deep in and i dont know what to do i love her and from my position jada looks like the bad guy and ive heard so many stories about her from chelsea herself and i honestly think they would be both better off if they broke up jada relies way too much on chelsea for her happiness, and she takes out all of her frustration and anger on her as well if they were separated, jada wouldn't have that outlet and yeah, shed break down but in the end, shed realize what was happening and slowly begin to fix herself it's the same exact situation that chelsea and i were in before except chelsea was more willing to break up with me when chelsea broke up with me, i hurt myself a lot mentally and a little physically that was the first time i felt my heart break in my chest and i couldnt stop it i cried myself to sleep countless times and entered a depressive state where i didnt do anything for months chels doesnt know this because it would hurt her to know this and the last thing i want is her to feel bad about it because even if it broke me then, it fixed me now, i realized how clingy and manipulative i was being, and some other stuff which helped me be me jada has the same problem and she needs to be hurt, bad, to be fixed like i was if chels keeps being the good-hearted person she is, then it will grow worse jada will feel like her actions arent wrong, because chelsea never does or says much against them and it will just keep generating hate between the two of them and one day someone will get to the snapping point and crack but that could be prevented, if they break up next time some big thing happens and jada ignores chels, she should take a stand for one time against jada relationships arent perfect. people arent perfect. and if you treat either of those like they'll eventually get better, they won't. unless you take action. they can get better but not by just waiting for the good times to come and ignoring the bad times, like chelsea does and jada doesnt realize anything is wrong since chelsea doesnt stand up for herself, jada will keep doing these narcissitic and overly dramatical things, all the while hurting chels because of it ignoring someone is the opposite way to act, in any situation it just it hurts and god, I hurt i hurt for them anytime i hear chelsea mention jada, in a good or bad light, i always get this pit in my heart that gets me feeling like this every time i get depressed even the first time she met jada and started flirting i remember chelsea asking my permission to date two people at once and even though i wanted to say no god, i wanted to scream and shout and make chelsea mine and only mine but how could i how could i do that to someone who i loved so much, who was (and still is, but wasnt for a time in between) my best friend i couldnt so i said sure, you can do what you want and in the end it is hurting her and still hurting me, honestly even though i dont want it to i want to be happy but i cant for some reason

[jdshitstorm]

iiiiiiccaaaaannnntttttttdooootthisssforrrmuchhlonggerrrrrrr

[jdshitstorm]

why every time i see something that relates to her i feel bad depressed anxious very jealous and i don’t want to i want to love i can’t i can’t i feel broken right now this happens too often i need to see chelsea why is it that chelsea is the only one that makes me feel better i feel hollow and chels fills the gap without fail every time i just want to hold her close to me right now i’m so empty right now i need someone and chelsea is my best friend, she’s more than that honestly she’s like an extension of me and i’m usually not like this but right now it’s just bad bad bad and i don’t know what to do i hate feeling jealous i don’t wanna be jealous, i want others to be happy over my own happiness but it feels like shit when i saw that post that one that she posted like three weeks ago it started this this feeling of jealousy that i don’t like i just want her to myself for a little while i want to situation to turn back around to me, i don’t want her to have any regrets but i’m scared i’m scared that i’ll hurt her or myself again i’m scared for my own future in college and life i need her to support me and if she finds out, then she might not be able to i want i want to forget i want to forget everything that happened once she’s gone if she’s ever gone i would i can’t forget though i don’t forget much at all my parents always tell me stories of my childhood and i always say “oh i forgot” but that’s only because i’m embarrassed by my memories i’m embarrassed with myself i’m ashamed of showing my true self to anyone except h e r and it breaks me i mean, i trust him with most of me as well but the only one who i can show anything to, who i can trust with everything and who i would give anything up for, is her and i don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing because of my jealousy because she is between us and i don’t want to tell her that i feel this way because she’d get even more stressed what do i do where will i go i want her gone so i can go to her but i can’t when she’s between us it would hurt them both and i can’t get in between them they’re happy, at least i think they are i honestly don’t know for sure it seems like an unhealthy relationship and i want her to give it up but she’s too kind but it would make us both happier i’m hurting too i hide it from her because i know it would make her said but i’m hurting a lot i want to grow old with her but maybe this is a stepping stone the hardest, most difficult stone of all time that has cost us more than two years of strife maybe it’ll get better but i don’t know, she has an additive personality and maybe she’ll just stop liking me like she has done before I just hope she doesn’t go to someone else again if she leaves again . . ... my heart is in pain

[jdshitstorm]

please remember that in a healthy, adult relationship (romantic or not), you should be able to talk about things that are bothering you. if you are bottling up your emotions and holding it against someone when you haven’t told them what is wrong, you’re not engaging in healthy behaviour. but also, if your friend/significant other makes you feel as though you can’t talk about what bothers you- i.e. has made you feel guilty/gotten extraordinarily angry when things were brought up in the past- they are not engaging in healthy behaviour.

[jdshitstorm]

it is tough life is tough right now I still can barely find motivation to do anything and I've started to miss classes (especially my 8am ones) and I feel like i'm fucked bc one of my 8am classes is super important, and i'm part of a group project, and I slept past class the day that my group had to present, and I wanna die tbh

[jdshitstorm]

I missed two of my most important classes today, including a presentation that I had to do with my group My other two group members did it alone I want to fucking kill myself I feel so bad for missing, my groupmates probably think I’m actual human garbage

[jdshitstorm]

just want to leave this earth and take a few people with me and then live forever on fucking jupiter or something so i dont have to deal with any shit anymore i jusr want to dIE die dei die idei dei die die ide die die die

[jdshitstorm]

hourly reminder that I still want to die lol

[jdshitstorm]

12 hours later and im still depressed

[jdshitstorm]

fucking shit my ass fuck ive been getting so much better over the past long while but FUCK i still procrastinate about 10000x too much and i still get little bouts of straight up depression where I want to fucking die, dude fuck i can't talk to anyone about it though bc chelsea is too happy and she's also recovering and I don't want to bring her down and she's experiencing with Jada what i experienced with a few people, that unconditional love where you're always thinking and daydreaming of them so I cant talk to her and make her worry, shes happy and she needs to stay happy, she deserves it but fuck me if I don't wanna fucking die right now, either way i want i want someone to just be with me fuck why am i so fucking selfish lonely, but not alone