jeanie11990

[jeanie11990]

Will

It's been some time since I've written anything, but being in Las Vegas for my annual work event, breast cancer surgery coming up, and just a general feeling of doom and gloom has me feeling like if I don't take the time to tell my story, what happens if I never get that chance.

I like to think that I've lived a pretty full life; I feel as though I've made a decently positive impact on the world and those around me... it's hard to think it will ever end.

After my diagnosis in January, I truly broke down. I sat in sadness, regret, and death for as long as I felt I needed to. I keep a brave face, but the panic attack I endured this last weekend brought me rushing back to reality.

Surgery is June 11th - 8 days after Dad's birthday. I know we all have an expiration date, I know none of us will live forever, but I just don't want any of this cancer stuff to take away my hope, my strength, or my general attitude toward life.

I've never been so proud of myself in my profession. I've poured everything I had into my job, and honestly, I did the same in BMX. It's been so worth it to pour into things and people that I truly believe in. I had a year that was all about me, a year that was all about the women of BMX, a year that was all about professional growth, a few years focused on love, and I wouldn't trade what I've done or who I've met for all the stars in the sky.

I've even gotten back to praying, a very different song and dance than how I used to view speaking with God. I still don't believe in wasting time and money physically going to a church - most of what church taught me at a young age are things I avidly do outside of it anyway: which is being a good human being, helping my community (close or far off) to grow/heal/flourish, and thanking God every single day that I'm still breathing and that I get the chance to try my best one more day.

Often times I find myself praying for the best, praying for peace, praying for understanding, and praying for unconditional love; and in some rare instances, asking that he tell my dad, family, and all my friends up there that I miss and love them just as much today as I did when they were alive.

I know this is preemptive, but my dad never got a chance to write his will and I don't want to be like that - I want to make sure the people that I love know I love them and that all of the things I have done in this life, really were just for them.

I think if this were truly going to be the end, I would want anything I had to go to those who truly loved, respected, cared for, and understood me. I would want most, if not almost all of my 401k, life insurance, all that money to be split amongst my mom, my brother, and Mike. I would want my car to go to Mike so that he could continue to provide for his family and use it for whatever would make it easiest on him and his momma/dad.

I would want my bmx bike to be parted out to my sweetest of friends - I would want Brooke, Rosa, Kiersten, Dani, Shawn, Dave, Paul, Coop, Brittany, and Lauren to all have a piece of what made me happiest.

I would want my pink laptop and my hard drives to go to Dave and Shawn; all of the photos and videos from all the years of us filming and riding are all on both of those hard drives and that laptop. I would want both Dave and Shawn to get one of my 3 MacBooks so they could continue riding and filming with some gear that works. My cameras and all my filming equipment would be split between Dave and Shawn as well.

Black Betty - my 20" frame would be something I would love to have as a headstone. I would want it to be right near me when I am laid to rest (and it is my wish to be buried, not cremated).

I want Zoey to get all of my jewelry, especially the pearl necklaces - each of which has come from each one of my grandmothers (Billie, Joanne, and Janie). Zoey would also get all of my analog cameras; the oldest of which was a gift from Grandma Janie when she passed.

I want to be buried with my dad's necklace (silver heart with blue gem of his ashes). I want my large riding photos to be sent to Slam City to be hung in the BMX shoppe - Rich has always been like a father to me, and I would love nothing more than to have a couple of photos of me shredding right up there with him and all of the greats.

I would love for all of my photos to be able to be given to friends who come to see me one last time; there are SO many, so please make sure everyone gets one. I did my best to write everyone's names on the Polaroids so it's easier for mom or whoever to invite those who have been like family to me for so long.

Lastly, I give the world permission to repost any of my riding content, videos, photos, etc., to help spread the stoke to other lady BMX riders. This life has been more than I could ever ask for, and I would never want all the things I gave blood, sweat, and tears for to be lost in the wind.

This was a lot to get out but I feel at peace knowing that what I truly want in the end, will be taken care of and given to the right people.

I love you all dearly; I'll see yall on the other side. <3

[jeanie11990]

Even when you're gone I feel you close.

You'll always be the one I love the most.

[jeanie11990]

RYAN GOSLING THE GRAY MAN (2022)

[jeanie11990]

You Have Too Much Heart, Kid.

I haven’t felt this anxious in a while; my heart constantly trying to calm down; my head constantly replaying situations or giving me butterflies just thinking about the future or what I need to do. 

I feel like the butt of an ugly joke. I feel like I’ve been used and instead of standing up for myself, instead of talking about it to who really is on my mind - I just walk away. Maybe this is my problem. I used to stand tall all the time; no matter who the person was. But I melt when I’m around you.. my heart races.. i can’t breathe or think or say the right things. 

I feel like I’m not myself because I’m so lost in being around you that it paralyzes my mind. I wish I could be myself around you, I wish I didn’t get so nervous or anxious or sad or just so fucking overwhelmed at how much I like you and think straight. 

If this is what liking someone feels like - I don’t wanna. 

[jeanie11990]

“When was the last time anyone ever told you how important you are?”

— Maya Angelou

[jeanie11990]

“Sometimes all you can do is lie in bed and hope to fall asleep before you fall apart.”

— William C. Hannan

[jeanie11990]

“Sometimes you have to forget what you feel, and remember what you deserve.”

— Unknown

[jeanie11990]

[jeanie11990]

“I choose you over everyone.”

— Rainbow Rowell

[jeanie11990]

“You cannot swim for new horizons until you have courage to lose sight of the shore.”

— William Faulkner

[jeanie11990]

― Franz Kafka, Letters to Felice‎

[text ID: I mustn't look at you too much, or I won't be able to take my eyes off you at all.]

[jeanie11990]

“I wonder if someone has ever thought of me so much at night that they couldn’t sleep.”

— Unknown

[jeanie11990]

—On Love, Marina Tsvetaeva

[text ID: I just want a humble, murderously simple thing: that a person be glad when I walk into the room.]

[jeanie11990]

Frustration

I find myself picking myself up more times than I’d ever like to count. I’ve seen glimpses of the past in my dreams, glimpses of my old life through a small window that looks at all I had. I wonder if I squandered those times; I wonder if I made the right choice all the time. Consistency and passion are things I miss the most... a love that just didn’t quit. 

I’m struggling to find a way to keep my head up, a way to not see the dark in all the things going on around me, or a way to still hope that I will find someone who won’t give up on me. I am hard to love; Joe was always right about that. I’m indecisive, impulsive, depressed, anxious, rowdy, and unpredictable. I keep telling myself that the more I work on myself, the more I do to make myself grounded (have my own place, make my way in my own career, keep trying to ride and push the female community to grow) - that someone will see that some day and find that I’m the one they’ve been looking for all this time. 

I wish it didn’t have to be that way; I wish I didn’t have to feel like I needed to try so fucking hard for these half assed men out here that only want me for a week and decide I’m too much of a struggle to be around. 

I wish I wasn’t; I wish I had better qualities to make someone want to stay instead of feeling so inadequate in my own mind and in theirs. I want to swim so badly but I feel like I’m always drowning in my head. I keep a lot inside and the minimal times I finally break down; the ones who are around when it happens can’t understand why. I’m fine.. just carry on like you know you will. 

[jeanie11990]

[jeanie11990]