jeannemarie8183-blog

[jeannemarie8183-blog]

It is ABUSE!!!!

After over a year of dating someone with borderline personality disorder and fighting to keep things balanced, i broke down and gave up. A few weeks later someone from my past came back into the picture. I never dated this man... i just had a HUGE crush on him when i was a young teenager. Well, we hit it off right away. Almost two years later i know what “love bombing” is... something that’s common with borderlines, but my borderline never did that. 🤔🤔 Now, I’ll admit i was destroyed after my break up with the borderline. So as soon as this person from my past came into my life again and showed me all the attention in the world and spent every second of free time with me, i did dive head first into what seemed like a relationship with the most perfect person. He couldn’t do enough for me. He told me he loved me within days. Brought me coffee to work, took me shopping, even took me to look at rings VERY early on, within two months i moved from my own apartment and into his house. That’s not how i operate but man, he really loved me and wanted to spend his life with me and settle down and have a family. Everything i ever wanted! I was finally gonna have my happily ever after... or was i? Fast forward to month 4 of our relationship... he took me to a very nice hotel in St. Michaels, Maryland and asked me to marry him. It was perfect. Everything was perfect. It’s finally happening! Month 5, he started name calling and making me feel terrible for things i did. I was accused of blaming my fathers suicide on everything, which i very rarely bring up... and i drank too much. Hey, i was drinking WAY more when you first met me and I’m an adult and allowed to have a drink or two or however many i want to be honest after working my ass off all day. This is when the controlling behavior started. Month 6.... i decided to go with a couple friends to see a band i liked. I hadn’t been out with friends in months. All i did was work and spend time with him and my dog. No big deal, right? WRONG! How dare i not tell him til the day of that i was going to a “concert”?! Even though he was working that night he screamed and yelled at me for hours, in front of one of my friends too. How fucking embarrassing. I sat there and took it. Like a bitch. I ain’t no little bitch!!! What was i doing?? Month 7 i had budoir photos done for him. I was super excited and felt great about myself. I never did anything like that. I was so confident!! Well, he doesn’t have social media but likes to google my Instagram and look to find something to bitch about which became apparent when he called me screaming asking why the fuck i was wearing one of his shirts in a picture. So i had to then tell him about his gift... HOW DARE I BE NAKED IN FRONT OF ANOTHER MAN?! (A married gay man, mind you). He fought me for months about this. There went my confidence. The name calling got worse... “you’re a whore” “you’re infertile cause everyone else got pregnant right away”(he has three kids with three women, half of his body count... but because i slept with more people than him, I’m a whore...), cunt, bitch, stupid, retarded, dumb... YOU NAME IT, that’s what i was. I was sexually assaulted years ago and opened up to him about it and months later he used it against me.. “maybe if you weren’t drinking that night you wouldn’t have gotten raped” WHO THE FUCK SAYS THAT TO SOMEONE?! One night in a fit of what i think was roid rage, he smashed my 55inch tv. I never got so mad in my life. Everything was just built up so i punched him and spit in his face. That is not who i am. He was bringing out the worst in me. I was starting to hate myself more and more... then he threatened to kill me. Cause no one would ever find me. I didn’t leave. I should have. Come the summer time, he started going out a lot, selling steroids and i was starting to catch his lies. He began to treat me shittier and shittier by the day. And i began to fight harder and harder to be more important than all the other bullshit in his life. Things got physical. When he’d hurt me he’d blame me because i “pushed” him to that point. I only told a couple of people. I loved this man and had such high hopes of him being who he was again in the beginning. But it just got worse. He was sneaky, he was speaking badly about me to people. I know I’m no walk in the park, but i am not a bad person. I’d do anything for anyone. I would’ve done anything for him but i was breaking again... he’d ignore texts, phone calls, etc when he was out but god forbid i did, that meant i was out getting fucked or sucking someone’s dick if i didn’t respond right away or wasn’t home when he got home. I was 100% loyal to this man and i didn’t even know who the fuck he was anymore. So in January’s of this year, i moved back to my apartment complex with my dog. It was the only option to try to salvage whatever was left and to let him breathe and get his shit right. Well, i got my shit right. He just got his shit, his steroids to sell, his weed oils, his weed brownies, etc.. got himself a puppy that’s locked in a cage 90% of the day cause he’s BUSY! Mind you, i crated my dog and i was a terrible human being for doing so... she likes her crate and was only in it when i worked. I take my dog everywhere and spend all my free time with her. Not that i need to explain myself or anything. But what a fuckin hypocrite he is. I still made an effort to get things right between us and I’m not very sure why i did fight for so long. He’d ignore my texts when i was being my normal happy self and then when I’d get frustrated he’d finally respond with “see Jeanne this is why i don’t want to be around you, look how you’re acting”. I caught him talking to other women and trying to take them out and he refused to do anything with me.. Well, the only way to get a response was to freak out. So i did it. And it went on for four months. But i quit. Despite all the name calling and how unimportant he made me feel... i am better than this. He will say it wasn’t abuse and I’m just crazy and whatever other bullshit he wants to tell people... but i know the truth and he does too. Yea i acted out of character, i was getting broken down every day. But now I’m moving on with my life and wish him the best. He was never my happily ever after. I was in hell for almost two years and i allowed myself to remain there. No matter how much i loved him, he was never going to love me back... i was just someone he could Project his own insecurities on and treat like a piece of property. I belong to me. And it’s getting better every day. No one who loves you would put you through anything i mentioned or did not mention above for personal reasons...