jearbearthe1

[jearbearthe1]

Relationships

It’s always been one of my weaker areas. Growing up emotionally independent makes we wonder if that affects me. Or if maybe I’m just gonna struggle until I learn how to love. Romantically at least. Over the years I’ve learned to love people in many different capacities. However to FALL in love continues to prove to be difficult for me. It’s never in a healthy context. It’s always rushed or inappropriate.

I don’t think I’ve ever had a relationship that was stable and healthy over a long period of time. This most recent relationship (K) has taught me so much more than I expected it too. And it’s been a process. Since we broke up I have had layers upon layers of epiphanies. Moments where I realize what I should’ve done and the opportunities I missed. All coming from someone who loved me more than I did her, until she didn’t anymore…

The biggest lesson I learned is to learn to let go and be open to trusting someone other than myself. Not right away, but definitely not never. Trusting my gut and letting those walls down. But I couldn’t. I was too in love with the alcohol. Trying to drown something in me that couldn’t be drowned. I still wonder why? Why did I become like that? What set of events triggered it? And why did you have to love me when I was like that? The more broken and angry I was at myself the more you tried to love me. I think you were trying to love me enough that I’d change. And I did, but it was too late. I had lost you already, and I can’t get you back.

Losing you had been the hardest thing I’ve had to handle. Because I replay every one of those moments. Especially that last week. I want nothing more rn than to apologize. That to give you that love back. And I remember I told you that. As I fought to try to keep you from leaving. I told you I wanted nothing more than to give you the love you deserved. And even then, you chose to leave. You said it would be best if we NEVER saw each other again. That’s the part the eats me alive. NEVER.

Was I so bad to you? Was I such a wretch of a person? A part of me believes I was. And I find it hard still. Believing that. That I gave you the worst of me. And that in the end you saw nothing more than that.

I have spent the last (almost) 2 months fighting. The be better. The amount of changes I’ve gone through in that time has been drastic. And it hurts even more. Knowing that I can’t share those moments with you. I can’t share the accomplishments I’m making. Things I know you’d be proud of. I would do anything in my power to hear your voice one more time.

I want thing more than to stare into your eyes. See that little smirk. The way you’d scrunch up your face before you made some goofy noise. The way you’d stare at me. How you’d call me noodle and I would melt. The little fucking things are killing me. Never seeing your name pop up. Tagging me in some ridiculous meme. Always something cat related. How you’d vent about work and customers and everything. How you’d rather read a book and stay in than go out and about. All the times you’d just want a bit of that love back. And all the times I let you down. I want nothing more on this earth than to go back and do things right. Love you as you deserved. But here we are. And here I am.

[jearbearthe1]

Simplicity.

Theres something beautifully sinister about sundown. Slowly watching the world around you fade away into darkness. Yet everyone still rushing to and fro incapable of capturing the simplest forms of beauty we miss on a day to day basis.

What we take for granted as a constant rotation of the Earth, creating day and night is something so much more than that. Its transitionary, simplistically sophisticated. The way the light plays with the sky. Gentle, yet warm. Somber, yet inviting. Shadows and light playfully flirt and tease and the sky graces us with vibrant hues as the last of a scorching sun fades away.

Eventually light gives way to nighttime. Temporary period of darkness that slowly gets darker and the night progresses. What mysteries will the night hold? Why do the more vile and inhumane acts happen during this part of the day? Is it because in some way we are like the balance of light and night? Slowly giving way to the shadows that consume our humanity. Then once light shines for we are ashamed of the acts that transpired.

Darkness inspires something within all of us. Whether we pay it mind or not, theres just something different about those shadowy parts that call us home. In some ways we feel safer. Knowing that we are no longer exposed and vulnerable. Rather we belong in the shadows. With the rest of the natural beings. Living and doing with little thought. No fear of being seen in our natural state.

We also see some of the most beautiful parts of our universe in the absence of light. A simple glance up will define that. Billions on billions of specs of light that give way to a map of the cosmos. Visible only in the darkest of hours. Theres a beauty behind that. We too only see the most intricate of ourselves in the darkest moments of our life. Beauty shining in the darkness. This is a perspective rarely seen and understood. Stay beautiful my nocturnal creatures.

[jearbearthe1]

Freedom

It comes unexpectedly. You never know when you've finally paid the price for it until it comes time to cash in. God will make it know when you least expect it. Even then you'll feel like you dont deserve it. But I assure you, you very much do. The price has been paid and it's time to step into the next stage.

It's only been but a handful of weeks for me. God found me in a Friday night service. I was expecting deliverance. I was just there to recieve a Word. Nonetheless God chose that night to set me free from depression. From anxiety. From suicidal thoughts. I no longer feel bound by those spirits or thoughts. I feel whole and complete. No compromises of the mind. Nothing dragging me down. I feel almost normal. Kinda powerful. Like I finally believe I can achieve the things I've wanted to. Soar and do things I constantly told myself no to.

The biggest change has been of my immediate perspective. The things I see closest to me. Friends, career choices, family struggles. Its become more of an optimistic view. It's not all gloom and doom. I have so much love and appreciation for those who have stood by my side. Nothing but great vibes. I want to give them everything they deserve and so much more.

I am set free. Theres nothing in this world that can stop me. The biggest fight I had was always against myself, but now that I have overcome it's time to press forward. I know theres still plenty of work to be done, but I'm making forward progress now. Just be ready, because I'm not stopping anytime soon.

[jearbearthe1]

Lotus.

You. You just. Ugh. So many things I wish I could tell you. I've had this conversation in my head so many times and I know we will never have it in person, but I just wish I could tell you everything.

Everything I have felt this past month. Every epiphany I have had. The things you've done to me. I didnt think you were capable of breaking me, but I was so wrong. When we broke up I was fine. Sad, but fine. As time progressed i lost some of the fire you inspired in me. Some of the fire you carry within yourself that you shared with me.

I let myself slip. Things weren't looking so up anymore. It wasnt till things got worse mentally that I realized. I fell in love. Purely, unintentionally and stupendously in love. Something i didnt care to believe in anymore. So when you decided to end things, it was for a damn good reason. A damn good enough reason that I couldnt fight. A reason way bigger than the one that would've kept us together.

However it still fed those voices. Who tell me I'm worth nothing. Undeserving and unlovable. Voices I had dominated, but you gave them something tangible. Something to justify them and I slipped and gave in. So so far into that hole. I started to lose identity again. I called on who I had to call on, had my rock bottom moment where I broke and started the process to heal.

Then you awoke something else. You dared accuse me of sabotaging you. Never would I be capable, yet you made me erase any evidence of our time together. And you reignited that flame of hate. Anger. It had been years. It was over an conquered. And it came back. All I could feel was blinding hate. Utter rage at the mere though of you. So much so I couldnt focus. I couldnt concentrate on anything. The sight of you filled me with the deepest hate to the point I would shake. Anger surpasses any other emotion. It more intense than any love I can feel, any sadness, and pain. Anger drives me somewhere i dont recover from often.

With the time I went to spend at the beach that weekend I reflected a lot. Meditated. I had to buckle down and work through that anger on my own. That weekend I feel I lost something in my mind and in my heart, but im still not 100% sure what exactly. The end of the night I prayed. Prayed and prayed and prayed because I had nothing left to do.

I'm not a being created to hate, or be sad. I'm created to love. Unconditionally, and unrelenting. I love on all those around me, but you were an individual capable of challenging me to love harder than before. And you deserved it. You deserved the love I was capable of giving. I told you from the start that I was serious about you. The changes I started to adjust for a life together were not easy. Mentally, emotionally and spiritually, and it's probably my fault for jumping the gun.

Theres so many things I wish I could tell you. Share with you, because you were my friend above all and it feels like I lost that too. You say we're still friends but theres never an opportunity where I wont feel like a burden.

My heart is tired. And I can never tell you why.

[jearbearthe1]

One Day.

One day. Someone will change you. Something will change you. Unexpectedly. No warning. No heads up. Nothing will prepare you for that moment. You just gotta run with it. Take it by the horns and let that moment consume you. Be overwhelmed with everything that comes from it. Feel all the love and happiness and joy that comes from it. Live in it. Believe that it can be yours, and it will be.

Baby, you are my moment. My one day. In a few short weeks I've felt and experienced more than I ever have before. Your heart and passion is what gets me. The way everything lights up with your smile is fantastic. I love every minute with you. Because those minutes turn to hours and hours turn into long nights. Days spent just fighting to see each other every moment we can. I love it. Your humility. Compassion for others.

[jearbearthe1]

The point I'm makin is the mind is a powerful place

And what you feed it can affect you in a powerful way

NF, The Search

[jearbearthe1]

Fear.

Its consuming. I wasnt afraid before. I had no reason to be. I was comfortable. Content with where I was and what I was doing. Now that I've come this far, its creeping in. While I used to hear whispers from death. Depression and many other things, fear was never there. Until now. He finds me when I least expect it. When I think I'm alone, here he comes.

Filling my brain with ideas. Ideas designed to hinder and destroy me from the inside. Designed to collapse my house on itself.

I'm afraid. Of what I am becoming. Of who is rising up. I'm afraid of pushing so far I actually make it to where I want to be. I'm afraid of letting myself be loved. I'm afraid of being worthy. Mostly I'm afraid of Fear.

Pondering the idea of sharing parts of my life with someone in an intimate manner didnt seem like a possibility until recently. Fighting my own self doubt was a reality I wasnt prepared for. Toying with the idea of self sabotage was unforeseen.

However, sometimes life hands you a situation. There isn't always going to be a way out so you have to just roll with it. Take what you can and let yourself feel and be free and enjoy it. That's my struggle. Believing and understand that these opportunities dont come up often. And it's even rarer for them to come when you're ready.

So I confront this next chapter with a great deal of emotion, fear included. Eager to see what lies ahead. 💜

[jearbearthe1]

Emotions

In all honesty, I find emotions to be difficult to process sometimes. They feel foreign sometimes. Most people nowadays opt for ignoring them or numbing them. Anything to keep from feeling them. They dont like to feel sad or angry or tired. Everything is a cycle of "just do this. Take this. Drink this." Anything and everything to keep a default faux persona of happy.

That's all any of this has become. A false sense of happiness that is more empty than solitude. More empty than isolation. I'm not against happiness, but I am against the imitation of it. It's not an emotion that is supposed to be forced. None of them are. There are ways to process and work through each one in different, constructive ways.

That's where I'm at now. I try not to ignore the current emotion I feel. Except for love, I try to avoid it because it still terrifies me but I'm learning that one still. Anything else I enjoy while it's there. Sadness won't be there forever. Anger doesn't last forever. Happy doesn't last forever. The only reason they would is if they are being suppressed or imitated. But it's been my goal to not do that.

When I get sad I focus on it. Do and listen to everything that produces that sadness in me and I bask in it. Lately I've been channeling it into my workouts. Allow every negative emotion and thought to come into the surface and I channel it into rage. Anger over a lot of those situations and it let's me push further in my workouts. Afterwards theres no negativity. It can come back, but in that moment I processed it in a healthy way.

The major issue I've been struggling with is love. I can't find ways to process or express love in ways that aren't toxic or overbearing. My natural way of letting my love flow is too much for a lot of people. Especially when those people are not receptive of it or they dont share my intensity of it. I've tried dialing back but it feels uncomfortable and forced at times.

When I say my way of expressing can be toxic or overbearing it mostly depends on my relationship with the person. I have a couple friends that I feel completely comfortable being very expressive and emotional with them because they understand thats how I am. They also understand that our friendship is platonic and I have no romantic feelings for them in any way, nor am I pursuing them romantically. So me being emotional and verbally expressive of my love for them is fantastic.

However there is a seperate example I could use. A bit of backstory. After my last relationship ended in December I decided not to pursue any other romantic endeavor for a while. Instead I want to focus on my personal faith and relationship with God. I still am pretty adamant that I won't ever marry. Simply because i want to be set apart. I've just always felt that I'm not meant to be in a relationship like that. So I made a friend recently and it's all super fantastic. Great vibes, similar lives all that fun stuff. And still very much in the mindset that I wont date for a long long time. I've made other good friends of the opposite sex with zero issues. Strictly platonic. So was my same intention here. But for some reason my mind and spirit connected differently and created an interest I didnt want to have. Shes a great person and all but I am just a mess and needed time for me. But stupid brain decided to grow attachments and feelings that have zero reason for being there.

And this is the tricky part for me. Because I want to learn to process and express those emotions as a friend, WITHOUT suppressing the romantic feelings. I've always hated suppressing any emotion because it robs of my identity. However she has no clue of any of this. The friendship hasn't even progressed too profound yet. So already my brain is complicating things that have no reason to be complicated. I just want a good friend. A best friend if you will. But I also know this person is maybe once in billion type of person in regards to personality, background, beliefs, life experiences and all that. We are essentially the same person. But idk it's too early on the really get a feel for anything tbh.

I dont want to suppress or distract myself from feelings things, but I also know theres an appropriate time and place for such things. Literally not a single person even reads these so like idk what I'm even searching for on here. Idk maybe this is just my way of venting. Either way no one will ever know any of these thoughts lol.

[jearbearthe1]

Memories

Memory is a terribly thing to lose. Especially because you dont know what you lost. I have huge gaps in memory in many points in life and it makes everything feel off. I'll have a random fragment of a moment and that's all I'll get sometimes. No real context or other connections between that moment and others and it's so strange to explain.

My theory had always been that it is a way for my mind to be able to cope with everything that has happened. I think if I remembered everything, days would be a constant torture. Reliving those emotions day after day. I would never be able to function as a person

I hate it. It doesn't allow me to process emotions tied into those memories. People I need to forgive but I dont remember who they are. It's genuine torture. Any little thing can trigger something I didn't know I had. A chord, smell, texture. Sounds beyond the ordinary. Then it becomes a chore to figure the context of a situation based on whatever bits or

[jearbearthe1]

Cosmos.

I realized from a young age that I dont belong here. On this planet adrift the universe. With this creation inhabiting it. None of it feel like home anymore. I find comfort in the familiarity of my room and house, but it doesn't feel like my destination. Because my destination has no one specific location. Rather an infinitely expanding experience.

My place is beyond. Beyond time and space. Where the laws of reality do not apply. Beyond the infinite galaxies and stars, expanding to a vast emptiness.

How cruel, to be given the gift of thought, yet be bound by obstacles to great to overcome. I simply wish to be sent home. To my place out there. Beyond our humble solar system and beyond our intricate galaxy.

I wish to be in the vast nothingness. The void that exists in between all that is creation. In those large pockets of emptiness. Where the is no light, no darkness, no existence. No place to be excluded from. No societal constructs of hierarchy. No mysteries to explore. A simple lack of existence.

Not death. Rather the opposite. Life. Life within nothing. Where secrets are infinite, yet nonexistent. Where nothing, yet everything is. That is my home. My place beyond our universe, is within its blank spaces. Where the mysteries of all that is, aren't.

So I beg, just set me free. Let my dust take me to where I am called to. Allow me to abandon this place I don't belong, and start my journey. So dust shall return to dust, so shall I. Just not here.

[jearbearthe1]

Solitude

You need it. At some point in your life you will face it. Some cant handle it. Some live off it. Others adapt. Fact still remains that you will spend time alone. How you handle it will determine what you gain from it. You either grow, or get weaker.

As I near twenty two years on this earth, I reflect and realize I have spent most of it in solitude. Some seasons I couldn't handle it and was so desperate for a companion, a friend, something intimate to give me fulfillment. In more recent seasons i have come to enjoy it. To explore myself in those seasons.

I have spent a great deal alone. With nothing more than my thoughts. Even now, these words will reach not even a handful. Even less than that will understand. Seasons of solitude are seasons of growth. In all those weeks and months and years I chose to focus on me. Learn about myself. Enjoy spending time with myself. I love late nights alone. I enjoy long drives with no company other than my ridiculous playlists. I enjoy a night out for a movie and dinner with myself.

To many of my friends it's such a ridiculous idea. I find it more ridiculous to depend so much on the company of others for enjoyment. It bewilders me those who cant stand being on their own for a bit.

I'm not going to front perfection however. I do have low periods. Times where I long for company. Someone to joke with. Who would understand my body language as I do theres. And there are rare moments I do find that. Very very rare periods where I get reminded of the beauty of chemistry between myself and another. And I take those as moments of growth as well. Learning to love and to cherish someone other than myself.

But still. Solitude is something I feel will follow me as long as it pleases. So I have made friends with it. Some days are better than others, and sometimes they aren't. That's just the beauty of it. We should never be afraid of sitting in solitude, experiencing from within, the intricate intimacies of the being you were born to be. Live. As you were created to be. And discover what that means for you.

[jearbearthe1]

Beauty.

It doesn't belong to anyone. Not the eye of the beholder, as we were taught. Not the object in question. Not the person in question. And not the observer in question.

Beauty will exist regardless of whom observes or doesn't. It does not need to be defined or interpreted. Nor does it need validation to have meaning. For everything and nothing is beautiful.

To define something as beautiful based on its ability to be pleasing to our senses is an insult to the very fabric of the universe. The odds of anything in this, and any, universe existing and infinitely small. The act of something existing is beyond incomprehensive when we consider the factors that had to play together for the existence of such a thing. For us to then determine such an item as contrary to pleasing is absurd.

The act of existing. Of the molecules in our universe coming and creating such a situation for a single detail of existence is divine. The way those small incredulously really particles of the universe form to create the rest of itself is unparalleled. From the largest mass to the smallest speck of dust, everything has a function and purpose and use. Including you. To consider the possibility that beauty is up the interpretation is absurd and insulting. Beauty is all creation, and all created is beautiful.

[jearbearthe1]

Pain.

Somedays we can bear the weight of the world, and other days we can crumble like a leaf in the fall. The slightest of pressure crushing our very being. And sometimes that is okay. To shatter into a million pieces.

The beauty comes when it's time to put ourselves back together. To gather all those pieces and learn when the go all over again. Some pieces wont go in the same place and other pieces won't fit whatsoever. Sometimes it takes longer to get them all back together. While other times you wont always get every piece back. The beauty of that is that it doesn't change who we are. In the end we are still comprised of everything that was made into a new sculpture.

The pain we feel can humble us. It will hurt us. As is necessary for it to hurt. For without the hurt, there is so pain, and with no pain comes no break. With no break there is no ressurection. Without that we can not be allowed to evolve. Not all has to be pain however.

For every night of pain there shall be a day of joy. You can not have a rainbow without a bit off storms. I like to believe that the more pain we experience at a younger age, the more happiness we will experience at an older age. But not everyone will make it. We are only human. Not all can make it out of their situation. We can lose sight of the goal and the process can be to great a task for one to handle.

However we aren't alone in this. We all have our battle and out struggle but sometimes it only takes on person. The pick up a piece or two and show you something you couldn't see. A vision you were blind too. And even then, they sometimes give you a piece of themselves that becomes a part of you and adds to who you are.

Pain is inevitable. It is guaranteed. A terrible thing to experience, but a worse thing to never know it. It's a reminder of our past and motivator to our future. Let us enjoy it and embrace it.

[jearbearthe1]

Death.

Death. Seems to be the theme of the year. It's interesting how we never think about it until it becomes relevant in our lives. Death of a relative, friend, etc. Before we hardly give it a thought. Carefree enough to treat it as an afterthought. We know its gonna happen one day, but not soon. Or so we believe.

The first time I truly thought about it was the day I realized my mother could be on limited time because of medical reasons I wont get into. Since then we have talked about it a lot. Death, the afterlife, the aftermath. What would happen if she does go, or if she doesn't.

What it would be like for her in the afterlife. Heaven, and the second coming and all the mysteries our minds cant begin to comprehend. She's thankfully still here, but others around us have gone unexpectedly. Close family friends going in just a matter of days.

Some battling cancer for years, still fighting. Others losing the fight. The worst feeling is the moment you find out. Those word hit like a train, "- is gone." "They didnt make it." What. Utter disbelief. How? But could they-? How did they-? What. Just unexpected. Thinking back to how you just saw them not even a week or so ago. How they seemed so hopeful and determined to get ahead. Yet now, lifeless and blank. Like the words you cant muster up.

Those hurt, when theres medical reasons like cancer. It's the unexpected ones that really hit hard. Someone I met not even a few months ago, gone in the blink of an eye. I wasnt close, but man I was in shock. Beautiful young woman, no longer around to bring joy to those around her. A family in pain and mourning, questions floating around. How, but why, what...

This life we sometimes take for granted. Theres only one thing that's guaranteed and that's death. No technology or scientific advancement will change that simple fact that from the day we are born there is a time running. None of us know the day. Nor the hour. All we know is that any day could be our last.

I'm blessed enough to have the opportunity to make the best with my own mother. To enjoy every moment we have together. I know she would never tell me or show it, but I think she's been steadily declining. I constantly worry. That any day could be the last. Sometimes I think that's irrational, but I know I have zero control over that.

This past year has been a massive shift for me. I've learned to appreciate every moment with anyone around you. To never hold back saying anything. Always spread love and compassion freely. Even if it makes people uncomfortable.

This life is the only one we got, theres no point in wasting it away bitter and angry. Death is simply a passing ground to something we cant comprehend. So while we still can perceive this life, we should make the best of it together. Not fighting each other for things that will be irrelevant the day we breathe our last breath.

[jearbearthe1]

Intimacy.

The human heart is complicated. Constantly craving some level of intimacy. Even the vilest and despicable of people have that basic human desire to be cared for. Hitler had a wife, did he not?

But sometimes it's a burden to some. Because there can be no rainbows without a bit of rain. No happiness without some sorrow. No intimacy without some isolation. It's just the balance of life. To want to receive the good, you have to be prepared for the bad to come with it.

I am afraid of it. But at the same time I desire it more than anything. I know I want to have an emotional connection on that deep of a level, but I'm afraid. Not of getting deep, but rather being vulnerable. I've had people turn on me, and I on others. Being that open and emotionally receptive to someone is truthfully frightening. The rewards far outweigh that negatives, however.

The human heart will always be as complicated as it can be. Wanting such things but still opposing them. Our minds are to no avail, further twisting and contorting the desires we crave. The experiences we live through dont shape the heart as much as the mind. It's always a battle. The logical choice vs where our heart leads us.

Sometimes, only sometimes do I believe I can really do it. Take the risk and really throw myself out there. Regardless of that fear, risking it all to have something I never believed I could. The mind is a terrible thing.

[jearbearthe1]

Stranger

It's difficult trying to explain what it's like to be a stranger in your own body. After the voices went away, and the other me no longer had control I was left in the middle of this mess. 3 years of decisions I didn't have complete control over. 3 years of being in the backseat while I let myself make a mess of everything. I'm not trying to brush off everything, i still accept full responsibility for everything bc it still technically was me. But not me, me if that makes any sense.

I kinda had this moment of trying to decide if I should attempt to fix everything in my life or cut my losses and continue from where I was. In all honesty i still haven't fully decided. I'm in limbo of wanting to fix some things but trying to figure out how, and others I've completely just moved on without a second thought.

The thing that is the most frustrating tho is my physical self. Through the past years I really had no discipline and went off the deep end. Through all the depression and anxiety I would go through different phases of stress eating and then self starvation. Obviously things dont work like that. The weight I put on is quite a bit and it affects my every day activities. Everything is frustrating because I cant do the things I used to. And I feel so uncomfortable just existing. I'm more confident than years prior but I still feel so uncomfortable.

And yes I know I can do things to fix it but it's easier said than done. It's like I woke up one day in a different body with 60+ pounds that I wasn't accustomed to. Obviously it didn't happen overnight but when I snapped back to reality everything was different. And it frustrates me to even see myself because I know I'm much better than this. It's all a whole new journey however. Having to learn to get back up from that rock bottom.

Also I developed a lot of little ticks and habits I didn't have before and I'll find myself just doing them sometimes and I feel out of place. Nothing major just really small actions and I dont like it because it's already so conditioned into myself it's almost automatic. It's a pain having to forget and break out of those tiny habits.

As life continues I'll piece this all together and get all the work done to get to where I know I need to be, but its damn near impossible from where I am now. And i honestly dont even know which problem to tackle first. But just stay tuned, sooner or later I'll have all this down. Just keep an eye out for the come up.

[jearbearthe1]

Change.

There came a point where I realized I had changed for good. It was a night much like this one. Quiet, so late it was already morning. Silence. But this time it was different. There were no voices. No struggling. The insomnia was still there but in a way it was peaceful. Almost perfect in a way.

Just this empty bliss of me by myself for once. So many years struggling. Fighting this depression. Fighting these voices. So many sleepless night where I was full of desperation. All I wanted to do was escape. There was a longing desperation for human validation. But not this night. For once peace and quiet. So I had a moment of self reflection.

I had finally come out of this hole I put myself in so long ago. This other me was defeated. The real me that was trapped in this body finally was surfacing, and I wasn't 100% sure who he really was anymore. But I knew I was ready to become everything I had been held back from.

Almost like a second birth I decided to use my life for good. As days go by a continue to learn more and more about who i am created to be. I'm definitely a being capacitated for love. Maybe more than the typical. But i have a lot of it to give, and i do. Constantly. Whether through words of affection or acts of service. Occasionally through gifts. I give and make sure those around me know they are loved. ESPECIALLY those who stuck by through all the bad. Those people, man they mean the absolute world to me.

There isn't a single thing I wouldn't give for them. Friends I know will never leave me. Never judge and always push me to do better. Those are the people I hold closest to me.

But during this mental battle I would have moments of dissasociation where I would feel my consciousness ascend to an unknown real. Kind of like an out of body experience , but not so much out of body than out of mind. It's so strange to explain. Like it happened one night in the middle of a shift at work. I was working and i felt it happen and all of a sudden i didn't recognize who i was. But at the same time i did. I had no recollection of who i was or the life i lived, but the other me did. It's like i went on autopilot mode and stepped away for a second.

I've had those moments a few times this past year and I'm not sure what exactly they were, but I've felt connected to the universe in a way. Like I feel like I can sense things I can't describe. Like the people in a room, I can feel them and i feel connected to them physically, mentally and subatomically. Like the aura in the room and around a person is something i can really sense. I always compare it to Scarlett Johansen in Lucy. But not in the extreme.

I've had to deal with the life the other me left, but now that I'm almost done figuring that out it's like im ready to define my own foreals the time . I have a lot of myself to give and figure out. But im ready. More than ready.