jehlbaby

[jehlbaby]

3rd times a charm. Or so I thought..

Early in life I had to learn how to put my emotions in a box and set them aside because I didn’t have time to be in my feels. I didn’t have time to put my mental health first and take care of me.

I was constantly taking care of others.

When I would begin to feel vulnerable, I would get scolded at or ignored. I would be belittled for feeling emotional. I’d be ridiculed if I started crying.

So I started to create this mental prison. Storing my feels that I would later pull out and give myself time to grieve. If I ever pulled it out. Sometimes it ended up being a cold case and then eventually I’d have a major breakdown.

I don’t want to be vulnerable. I want to be cold hearted. Angry. It makes it easier so I can be ignorant to the heartache.

Last night I had my first breakdown. I cried so hard I couldn’t breathe. I forgot I had so many emotions. I guess this one meant the most. I hated how I felt. I still do.

Time heals all wounds. But I need time to go by faster.

[jehlbaby]

I always give everything..

[jehlbaby]

I laid next to him crying,

...he was asleep and I woke up remembering what I read and having the feeling I wasn’t enough and I started sobbing silently to myself while he slept. I’m super sensitive because I’ve always been bullied. Abused.. I need constant reassurance, to know and be told I’m loved and wanted.. It makes me wonder if the tables were flipped, how would he react? Would he be upset.. I’m numb and when I see him I just wanna cry again. He says he loves me, and he says he cares but some of his actions make me wonder and dwell on insidious thoughts.

..I feel empty.

[jehlbaby]

My heart hurts..

Every person I’ve dated always had our relationship on the low.. never showed me off or like to be public. And it never failed... they were all ashamed, didn’t want people to know they were single and or were cheating. I told myself I’d never put up with that again but I feel myself back to the place I told myself never to allow myself to be in.. I dont think I’ll ever be loved the way I deserve to be. Not that social media should be a major factor but it’s the 21st century.. Kind of a thing in our day and age. I mean I post here and there but I’m cautious because it’ll get him angry.. but I hate this feeling that I’m just a joke.. it’s hard to get over it when it’s been the same in every relationship.

[jehlbaby]

26

So last year I accomplished a few things.. I received my certificate in Medical Billing & Coding, I recieved Supervisor of the Year for the second time in a row and I got a second fulltime job as a Medical Scribe in the ER. I’ve delayed my Master’s Program because I’m still undecided if I’m going to continue with social work, pursue public health, health admin, nursing or physician assistant... There are so many options. And my life plan is still undecided..

But let’s fast forward to the good stuff.

In November, I got a friend request from a boy. Someone I had met years before through my ex. I don’t remember so much about him except I gave him a ride or two home. I figured to accept his friend request, not thinking any thing behind it. I get requests all time! So this one isn’t any different.

Then he messaged me. It was nice. But my life was so busy and sometimes I’d take days to reply but it was nice. I had a companion. It went on for about a month...

And then we met, again, but this time it was intimate and personal. I felt a spark I didn’t know I had.. It felt nice. He felt...safe. Something I’ve never had or felt before. I was scared as hell but after years of being single, I leaped. Not knowing what was waiting for me, but I embraced the unexpected, wishing so hard for the best.

Now here we are, going on 4 months together and I’ve never felt so happy. I thought I knew love, but what I have now is beyond what I ever thought. I have a partner who not only cares for me, loves and supports me but who constantly reminds me to not exhaust my energy for others and to sometimes be selfish for myself.

It’s a scary feeling. This is the third love story, and I hope 3rd times a charm.

[jehlbaby]

“You have to find the right distance between people. Too close, and they overwhelm you, too far and they abandon you.”

— Hanif Kureishi, Intimacy (via hplyrikz)

Clear your mind here

(via hplyrikz)

[jehlbaby]

“To the person that loves me next, I’m sorry if I am broken. I am sorry if I question the love that you give because so many before you have taken my love and thrown it away like common trash. To the person who loves me next. I am sorry if I don’t believe you, like when you tell me I am beautiful. Know, that I have heard these words a million times before and yet here I am still alone. I apologize for the walls that stand 40 feet high, I am sorry that you have to climb them. The people before you took too many pieces of me. The walls? They protect the remaining parts of me. To the person who can love me next, please just love me. As I am. Ignore my flaws, just love me”

— The book she will never write

[jehlbaby]

[jehlbaby]

There goes my mind again... The indescribable and unexplainable feeling of emptiness. I just want to drown myself in tears and cuddle up in bed and just lay there and not get up. I only gather the strength to function and do my daily routines because as much as I have no strength I fear disappointment and placing my burdens on others. Sigh. When will the pain ever stop. Fuck.

[jehlbaby]

So much has changed these past couple years.

I am an independent (single) twenty-five year old female who has her bachelor’s degree in health science, her certificate as a nurse assistant, works a full-time position as a social services director in a long term skilled nursing facility who battles anxiety & bipolar type II disorder and is a non-compliant type II diabetic who also has constant paranoia of failing, forgetting and turns to food for emotional comfort. I am sensitive, an over thinker, have a need to please everyone, have an overwhelming level of anxiety that I am a constant failure and thoughts of wanting to just go to sleep and never wake up because no matter how much I write out the pros and cons of whether I should keep living or give up it doesn’t change how I feel that ending my life seems like the better product. I am lucky, yes, to have a job which provides me money, to have shelter, a place to eat, shower, sleep; a vehicle that allows me to travel, access to clean water and food. People have it so much worse but it doesn’t ease the amount of weight I bare on my chest.

I am a mess and I don’t know how much I can handle it.

[jehlbaby]

Detached

My mind is filled with demonic thoughts & all I want is to feel ultimately carefree. I do my hardest to avoid the negativity and embrace the good vibes but I am infested, my mind, my soul, my spirit, poisoned. No matter what I do to run past these black shadows it always comes back. It haunts me. It mimics my thoughts and ridicules my desires.

I long to be detached. But I’m stuck. Or well I feel stuck. Is this a chemical imbalance in my mind? Am I a strain of psychotic? Whatever it is I am, whatever this feeling I posses, I hope it doesn’t  overpower me.

[jehlbaby]

#53

Have you ever had a one-sided love?

When you love someone, but they don’t feel the same way?

Yeah, it sucks.

You have all of this hope for something that will never happen, but you still cling onto that hope.

& you wait, and wait, but nothing ever happens.

You end up wasting so much time waiting, hoping that they would change their mind. But as you wait, you fall deeper in love—the opposite of what you were supposed to do in the first place… & that was to move on.

Love always,

- C

[jehlbaby]

[jehlbaby]

fit-lifting-girl

[jehlbaby]

I never found love in grade school, high school or college. I feel like I'm going to be single forever... Sigh. I'm not looking for love but I'm curious as to how love will find me. Ever since my ex and I parted I feel like I'm a lost cause. Ever guy I've dated has cheated on me. What flaw do I have that they all cheat?

Xo

[jehlbaby]

What the hell am I to do with all the words you said. I can’t forget them, they’re forever I my head. Each word torments me when I think of you. Their love and warmth, turned into cold and hateful thoughts. The thoughts they bring me, will stay with me until my body rots. It wasn’t as easy for me as it was for you. Maybe for that second their meaning was true. That doesn’t matter. For even if they were, the things I’ve thought because of those words that drive me insane Are like the words themselves, burned into my brain.

Lazaro (via wnq-writers)

[jehlbaby]

You're fire, and I'm water but I still chose to dance with you.