jelfoejvpaofjv

[jelfoejvpaofjv]

Once again, another one for the books. Where people can’t face me. He got what he always wanted. To be free of me. And he seems to be in a better mind set now. I’m going to spend the next month just focusing on myself before I get back in the game because I need to heal before I even think about anyone else. It’s gunna take me awhile to get over him forsure. Like we just spent so much time together in the last three months that it felt even longer than that. It’s not going to be easy to try to forget all of these memories because ive even brought him around my family. And yeah i know that was all my choice and I could’ve not brought him around the family but I just felt that comfortable around him that I thought we would’ve been together for a long time. I guess we got into things too quick and we should’ve taken things slower and I shouldn’t have expected so much from him when we are still only getting to know each other. And if that was the case I wouldn’t be as shattered as I am now. Every time I start reflecting afterwards I keep telling myself I’ll do this and that differently. But there’s only so many things I can change. And as a matter of fact if I constantly have to change so much about myself then the spark was never there to begin with. Like there’s plenty I would want him to change to better himself and for the future but I didn’t bother to make a big deal out of it because I’ve already been shot down with an attitude and know he doesn’t like it when I mention it. And I know he has commitment issues whether he wants to admit it or not. That’s why he runs away every chance he gets rather than talking things out and moving forward from them. Like I don’t know anyone who wants to end things when an argument arises. Like any normal people would talk things out and work through it together than to keep bringing up how things aren’t working it’s time to go separate ways. Like this is the first time I’m hearing of this and other people would think it’s weird too. That’s why I believe that he never truly did want me to begin with and that he just felt bad for me and didn’t want to turn me down at the start and ended up stuck with me as long as it lasted because I honestly started to feel like he was embarrassed to be seen with me in public. And that’s why this time around I’m not fighting for us or begging him to stick around. If he truly does want to be with me then he would’ve never initiated going our separate ways or even try to get back together. But it’s cool. There’s no hard feelings. If things were really meant to be then we would cross paths in the future.

[jelfoejvpaofjv]

Well that’s that. Everything is done and over with. Definitely heart broken with how things ended but it is what it is. Did I want this outcome? No but I can’t force anyone to want me when they don’t want me to begin with. I know it’ll take time to heal from this but I have all the time in the world. One day someone would be able to put up with me and my bs and I would be enough for them.

[jelfoejvpaofjv]

And as far as being fake because I keep talking about wanting to be on a diet then so be it. Call me fake because it’s been harder than usual for me to stick to a diet. Like I had a set schedule that worked out for me. I would fast my first two work days then intermittent fasting the last 3 work days and eat whatever I want on my weekends. And it worked for me. My body was trained to survive off of that. And it’s not to say that I just eat anything and everything on my days off but I would still watch what I eat and make sure I’m not consuming carbs and mainly veggies and proteins. I love carbs so much but I’m doing good at cutting it off. Not completely cutting off carbs but it’s rare that I’ll eat carbs. And I’m not used to eating fast food anymore but that’s something that I’ve been eating a lot lately and I don’t like it because everything has carbs and as much as I don’t wanna eat I still do. I always still eat even if it’s not as much as he does. And he may be wondering why I’m always out eating if I talk about wanting to diet but like I said I’m going to mainly eat protein and veggies only when I do eat out. Like I literally miss rice and fries so much and wish I could eat rice with everything but it’s something I want to cut out because I know it’s not good for me. I gotta retrain my body to go back to my usual diet. Even my coworkers be wondering why I’m not on my diet anymore because they would see me just eating whatever nowadays. Like I used to always turn down food offered to me at work but lately I haven’t. Im going to have to slowly start cutting calories this week so next week it won’t be as hard for me when I start my fasting again.

[jelfoejvpaofjv]

Like if he wanna tell me I’m acting different then yes I did act different. I went from sleeping up until it’s time to get ready for work to getting up earlier just so I can spend some time with him before going into work. I would wake up earlier than usual even if I would only have a couple hours of sleep because of my insomnia. My family would even notice me up earlier or out the house earlier than usual or coming back home just in time to leave for work and tell me all of a sudden I wanna do things before work when I’ve always complained that I didn’t wanna do things before I go into work. And I’m not going to sit here and complain or compare what my work day is like. Like good for him that he spends his work day walking around on flat surface several miles a day. Just because I’m not getting as much miles on my feet a day doesn’t mean that I’m not exhausted from work. If work was a flat surface it would’ve been way easier navigating around work but it’s not. There are inclines at work that it usually feels like a work out sometimes just to get from point a to point b. And them stairs too. Like who needs the stair master after work. And having to haul all of my stuff with the help of someone up and down these stairs. Like some of these fat people is not capable of carrying these carts up and down the stairs that the cops end up doing it themselves. And it’s sad that they aren’t able to help carry the cart because to be honest if my life was in danger I wouldn’t trust them with my life if they aren’t capable of the littlest things. Like people may think it’s easy work doing what I do but it’s not. On a good day it’s easy. And good days are hard to come by. It’s not like I’m just sitting on my ass all day at work. I’m physically up and about doing things in the heat. The only place with ac is in the office and I don’t spend all my time in the office. I’m literally sweating at work all day long like even during the cold winters I would be sweating. And it’s disgusting sweating so much when others don’t be sweating as much as you do. Like literally sweating so bad to the point that I can start to smell myself and not my deodorant anymore. And talk about working for the state and yet we dnt have any official breaks. No lunches or even a break room. Like we should be glad that some areas even have a fridge for us. With all these alarms that we have to respond to as well. It’s like some days we can’t even catch a break. Always something after another. And on top of all that I have to mentally prepare myself to be verbally abused by these guys. It’s not just being cussed out by them every single day but also cat calling and going into details what they would do to me and even jerking off to me just walking past by. Like this job is not for the faint of heart. So many people come and go because it’s not what they expected. And above all I get anxious not knowing if I’ll have to work another shift after that or come back in the early morning for another shift. But who am I to complain or compare to. I may not have knew what I signed up for when I first started but I have yet to leave under these circumstances. Like coming from an outsider it may sound crazy but it’s normal for us. Like if a day was calm we would all be celebrating enjoying ourselves wondering what’s going on because that’s not normal. I would shower after I get home from work everyday because I’ve just been covered in sweat all day at work. And since I started talking to him and we would talk on my way home from work I don’t just shower as soon as I get home. I would wait for him to go into work before I shower just so I can talk to him. So if me acting different just because I said I needed to shower that night then so be it because I don’t need to explain what I do to him. It would’ve been different if he was going into work that night then I would’ve waited for him to go into work n then showered but he wasn’t working that night.

[jelfoejvpaofjv]

[jelfoejvpaofjv]

I was going to go watch a movie because I have yet to been to the theatres out there. But I was getting tired after my picnic. So I ended up getting a drink for the ride back home. And I know around the holidays that balloons would be hard to find and helium would be at a shortage especially with schools graduating too so I remembered to grab balloons out there to bring back home for dad. I’ve been seeing on tt tht Trader Joe’s be running out of flowers lately and I was really hoping they had a variety of flowers still but they didn’t. But I made do with what was there. Another year without my dad. But cheers to what would’ve been 59 years dad. I hope you enjoyed all the food and drinks that day. And I’m sure you got to see some of the other family members when they visited their family that day too. I would’ve stayed there for a couple hours and just talk to you and work on applying for school and all that stuff but Jessica just happened to have hopped in the car with me when I was about to leave the house. And I did wake up tired asf that day. I said I was going to go for a walk that morning then head straight to visit you but I was just so exhausted from the day before that I kept snoozing my alarm. Had to try that rebel drink that disappointed me because it didn’t even taste like orange creamsicle that I was excited for. I got the whole application stuff done with that day but I need to revisit it this weekend and look for classes and see if I even qualify for bog waiver. I’m hoping I do but I think they asked for my 2023 tax return smfh. I was hoping they asked for last years tax return because I didn’t make much money last year and I would’ve definitely qualified

[jelfoejvpaofjv]

I know that no one will read my vents because no one knows about this nor do I follow people because to be honest who uses this platform anymore? This is exactly why I just journal away because I know I won’t be judged for how I feel and it helps me destress a tad bit. Jrs party felt weird to me. I had a feeling they would’ve been behind. And of course Jess was rushing to leave because you know what. And i just felt so outta place the moment I got there. Went straight for the mat and just laid down and acted as if I was taking a nap so it wouldn’t be awkward that I wasn’t up there helping out because I didn’t want to help anyways. I definitely didn’t feel welcome at all but I had to be there to support my husky boy. Ended up just pretending to sleep for a little over a hr before I got up. And Steven asked if I had work today and of course I said I just got off of work not long ago because it was true I got off work awhile ago anyways. Got up and went over to cousin to see what they were doing and offered my help but felt weird because Jess was helping out make plates. Like the roles are reversed now and it’s just sso weird. Didn’t say a word to my sister the whole time so far. And eventually later on she told me to go move the cake to husky and that was when we first said anything only. Then later on in the evening it just felt more awkward because it’s like she has to talk to me because it’ll be awkward if she didn’t. And of course she talks to me only when she needs me to do something. Per usual. Thank god Jess had plans and we didn’t stay for too long because I was ready to leave the moment we got there. And I just was not in the mood for anything that day either. Like that week just drained the hell outta me and being somewhere where I’m clearly not welcomed didn’t help. Like if it wasn’t for the kids I would’ve not been there because I know when I’m not wanted. And I was honestly so tired that week I just needed some time to myself to process things and not be the party pooper that night. Kinda regret not going out that night but I’m glad I didn’t go out that night because that next morning I woke up and decided to go to Clearlake. I was debating to go on Sunday after I visit my dad for his birthday/Father’s Day and thought about how I might be too lazy to go outta town and may just want to relax at home before I start my work week. So I’m glad I woke up early and ended up going on that road trip. Ended up driving around the lake to explore and ended up at the state park and had a lonely but nice picnic by myself. Never would I have imagined myself doing something like that alone in front of other people but I sure did it. Made some pit stops and ended up with different plans than the original plan but it’s ok. It’s all apart of the road trip. Would I go back to that state park? I don’t really care for it but I wouldn’t mind if others wanted to go. The day use area was really small and I felt too awkward to be around all those people so I went to the visitor side of it where the bridge was and it was a cute little area. Since I went out there on Father’s Day weekend I was able to see a lot of people off the side of the highway just fishing and every time I drove around there I would always think that there’s no sand down there it’s just straight up water but a lot of people was posted there with canopy’s and umbrellas and everything. Good to know for future references if I ever go back with people who fishes. I remember m coworker talking about the protest that was going on in La for the weekend but it didn’t cross my mind that it would be everywhere. I’m not too into the news and stuff like that so I didn’t know. But driving through that town I hit traffic and I was wondering what was going on. Eventually I turned my music down and rolled my windows down so I can hear what was going on. Wasn’t expecting that little town to hold a protest and thank god it was nothing too big and chaotic. Drove through it like nothing.

[jelfoejvpaofjv]

I’ve noticed that people just raising their voice and yelling has been a trigger for me for some time now too but I’ve just never brought it up because I gotta be the strong one to hold it down for those around me. Like I know Maddie and Andy is this way and I’ve thought it was weird but I guess it’s just how they were brought up. And with certain people in my life that is constantly raising their voice and yelling trying to intimidate others and get the last word, I’ve just been ignoring how I really feel about it because I gotta be the one to prevent things from happening. But I definitely don’t do well when others are raising their voices whether it’s at me directly or not. And that is why I just don’t engage in it when Floyd wants to get into it with me at work. Like it’s gunna take a lot for me to blow up. And the times that I do blow up and speak my mind just know that I’ve been fed up. Like I can be mad about things but I’m going to get over it within minutes or hours. And for me to be mad about something for quite some time then it says a lot about the situation. When I say that last year has calmed me down so much I really mean it. I always act on my instinct and make sure I have the last word on everything. But it’s been about year now that I just don’t care as much anymore. That it’s not worth the fight anymore. I could be saving my energy for other things. Like it still amazes people when I dont bother to argue back or pick a fight with people. Like maybe im getting too old now to the point where it doesn’t bother me anymore? I dont know what it is but I rather just be calm about the situation until everyone in the situation has calmed down and I get that even if everyone was calm just bringing up the situation will get everyone all riled up again. I honestly dont even know where I’m going with this because these mf be askn me too much questions disrupting my train of thought now

[jelfoejvpaofjv]

Things could’ve been handled differently forsure. And I honestly feel like this time it’s not on me for once but I’m sure he wouldn’t feel the same way. Well yeah had I gave him some space and time for himself this probably wouldn’t have happened. To yell at me telling me he feels like he needs to report every little thing he does and doesn’t do is not what I asked for. But I can get why he feels that way. And I’ve noticed that it’s always when he gets angry about something that he starts acting this way. And if space is what he needed then he could’ve communicated that with me instead going off on me the way he did. It’s not that he’s not giving me enough attention at all because he gives me plenty of attention. But to blow things up outta proportion because he feels as if I’m not giving him the room to breathe is something else. I can’t read his mind and know what he wants. If he’s going to be hitting me up consistently and out of nowhere stops then of course I’m going to check in and see what is wrong. I’ve said it before that if he’s does something he better do it consistently because I’m going to expect it. But reflecting back now I should’ve known to give him his space and not expect so much from him. Like he said all that time spent together at camp is going to make up for all the times we don’t spend together. I should’ve never pushed him to do anything or expect him to want to do anything with me for awhile so he can process things and spend some alone time to himself. It’s like every time we get into it he feels as if I’m not giving him the space to breathe and I always end up doing something he doesn’t like. I get everybody has their own lives and their own issues and things that they are dealing with and some people may be more open about their issues than others. And I’m just an open book who freely shares my life with people close to me but not everyone is like that. And if you’re in some kinda relationship with someone then I honestly don’t get why it’s such a problem when I ask about his day or what he’s doing. Like if he is able to ask me these questions and I tell him about my day then why is it such a problem when I do the same? So contradicting to me. And I just got so used to asking him about his day because that’s what he does with me. But I guess my biggest take on this is to not be a hypocrite. But I guess in the future when I get in a relationship I should remember to give him some space and time to himself. And not hover all over him the way I did with this guy. But honestly if I’m not all over you and your business then it just means I don’t care about you. So for me to be all over you should tell you that I care about you. But everyone’s love language is just different. I guess I should’ve established what our love language is. Something to think about for the future now. I’m not blaming him for anything or how things ended because at the end of the day his feelings are valid and for him to feel like he can’t catch a breath of fresh air because I want to know everything he is doing at every moment is not what I want him to feel. I wouldn’t want to feel as if I’m trapped in a relationship where I have nowhere to turn to. But I am very disappointed in how things ended because if that’s how he felt then he should’ve just told me he needed some space rather than going on a whole spiel attacking me the way he did. One thing I’m not going to do is argue back with someone who is already yelling off the top of their lungs at me. And one thing about him when he gets mad is that it doesn’t matter what anyone says or does he isn’t going to process what anyone else says. He needs the time to process things when he isn’t so hot headed. And I’m not going to waste my energy arguing with him when it’s just going to go in one ear and out the other.

[jelfoejvpaofjv]

Once again another one for the books over the phone only. Idky people are so scared of me. I got that rbf but I have a big heart. Starting to miss him but it’s ok. It’s all a part of the process. I can’t force people into wanting me. They gotta want me on their own. And I can’t keep forcing him to stick around either because it’s not fair to him. Idk what it is about me but I always do it to myself. It is always my fault. And I truly do apologize for making him suffer. For telling him imma change and end up not changing my habits. He doesn’t deserve to feel like he is with someone who doesn’t care for him enough to change themselves. But it’s definitely not true that I only remember the negative things about him. I guess I could be more vocally appreciative of all the things he does for me. And now that I’m thinking about it he seems to focus on all the negative things about me as well. It just feels like when he gets mad he lets it all out. So much for communicating things then and there like he wanna tell me to do. And one thing forsure I’m not going to apologize for is not bringing up how I was triggered right there and then when it happened and waited til the end of the day to bring it up. My feelings are valid and I’m not going to let him blame me for not voicing my feelings to him. I understand that i should’ve told him I felt triggered so he could’ve been aware and apologized then and there but if i did tell him there and then then it would’ve been a big deal and I would’ve just cried. I literally teared up the moment I felt triggered and started to fake yawn just so I could wipe my tears just so it wouldn’t have been obvious that I was tearing up. And it’s not that I was intentionally trying to keep it from him but felt that it wasn’t the right time for me to bring it up as I was about to go into work. Why would I wanna bring it up and have him turn it into something big for me to cry when he knew how triggered I was about work. Like I didn’t just cancel my ots for no valid reason. Like I had told him I wanted to see him that night when I get off work for a reason. I guess I could’ve been more clear about why I wanted to see him but it’s too late to go back in time now. And as far as my speeding goes. I do apologize for speeding because yes the road is scary enough as it is. And it’s not that I don’t listen or want to change my habits on speeding. Had you known me before then you would’ve known that my speeding has dropped significantly. I don’t nearly drive as fast as I used to anymore. And in that moment that I wanted to speed up at the end because there wasn’t a lot of cars on the road, because I had to pee so bad. Because I had left my walk early because I needed to pee and as I left he called and I even went back just to talk to him even tho he had told me he wasn’t going to meet me up and ended up arguing for no good reason and I had to hold in my pee even more, I think that last few seconds of my speeding was justifiable. I dont appreciate being called out for that moment as if I’m such a crazy driver. And to talk about not communicating then and there why didn’t he bring it up to me then and there and waited til he wanted to find ways to blame me for things to bring it up.

[jelfoejvpaofjv]

We may be over fighting for this to work out but one day we will both find someone worth fighting for. I know dating me is definitely a whole new ballpark for him because he’s not used to dating someone like me. And I’m not used to dating someone who is always turning me down. I’m used to things going my way and not being told no. And I’m glad that we never had sex either because for me to go this long without sex is driving me nuts. I know I’m too fat for him and I know that’s why we had never gotten intimate with each other like that but it’s ok. One day someone will love and cherish my body the way it deserves to be love and I wouldn’t have to constantly feel like they are embarrassed to be seen with me in public. I’m not ready to put myself back out there because it honestly kills me to go through this once again. But this time around I can honestly say that I’m allowing to let him run away and free him of his misery from me and not fight for him. I’ve spent too much time putting his feelings over my own feelings first and it’s gotten me nowhere. I need to start putting myself first instead of others. And as much as I like to believe that he came into my life at a point where I was giving up on love for a reason and that it was destiny or fate and that it was such a coincidence that we just happened to click and share similarities, everything happens for a reason. If it was really meant to be then we would cross paths with each other again in the future.

[jelfoejvpaofjv]

Now that I’m reflecting back i can see how he gets mad over the littlest things I do and don’t do. And him getting mad is because he does care for me. But what about the things that get me mad? What about how I hate when he is always late or he is tired and sleepy or how he can’t commit to anything and everything is always so last minute spontaneous. At the beginning I would get mad over these things and he’s mentioned that he hates when I get mad about them. And what do i do about it? I put his feelings over my own feelings and stopped making a big deal over it. I would fuckn hate when people are late and waste my time and yet with him I just let him be late every single time and hold my breath no matter how angry I get inside because it isn’t worth an argument for me. In time I know I won’t be as angry about it once we start enjoying ourselves together but if I had reacted to him being late every single time then he would get mad that I’m getting mad and we would’ve never enjoyed our times together. I am so glad that his coworker had mentioned if I allow him to sleep when we are hanging out or if I get mad or whatever it is. I hope it made him realize that anyone else would’ve been mad about it. Of course I get mad over it. But I would rather be able to spend that time with him than not with him because if i don’t let him sleep when we are together then there wouldn’t be any other time we get to hangout. I am a punctual person and expect others to be as well and not waste peoples time. Everyone’s time is valuable. I know he feels as if I am suffocating him since I constantly want his time and he needs his own space to breathe and do his own thing. But if I didn’t love him I wouldn’t want his time. And even at that. This time around if space away from me is what he needed he could’ve just communicated that with me than to get angry and yell and disrespect me just because he felt so suffocated by me. There’s a way of expressing things and he always let his anger and frustration get the best of him. And that is why I put up with what I do because I don’t let my anger get the best of me all the time. What my partner lacks I will pick up and expect it to be reciprocated.

[jelfoejvpaofjv]

I just have to find someone who loves me more than I love him because if he doesn’t love me whole heartedly to begin with then he will never love me as much as I would ever love him. Every relationship has its ups and downs and no relationship will ever be perfect. It’s just a matter of if the relationship is worth fighting for even during the toughest times. It wouldn’t be the first time I say that arguments will not push me away. That I’m the type to work on things and fix things no matter how repetitive it may get rather than to just run away and try to forget all of the memories we ever had. We’ve been arguing at least once a month and every month it always end up with him wanting to end things and go our separate ways. Not once in the past three months did I ever initiate going our separate ways. It was always him. I understand that I drove him crazy to the point where he is fed up with me and knows his worth. I’m starting to know my worth as well. I shouldn’t keep forcing myself to fight for someone whos instinct is to just run away. That is always ready to up and leave when things get rough. In order for me to move on from him I would need to delete every pictures and videos of him on my fone and block his number and delete it off my fone as well so I can take the time I need to move on from him without being reminded of him. It’s not going to be easy because any of my family that’s met him will be asking me where he is or inviting us both somewhere and I would have to let them know that we aren’t talking anymore. No one in their right minds would want to be in a relationship where they are constantly arguing with each other.

[jelfoejvpaofjv]

This old man got us hella fucked up yesterday. I get we all have personal problems and we shouldn’t project it upon others but that it slips from time to time but when you are just hella salty all day every single day it gets annoying asf. Like if he didn’t complain about the same thing everyday then I would’ve been fine with it but it’s literally the same shit every single day. No one is intentionally going after you tryna set you up for failure. So paranoid that people are purposely fucking with him. Even the sups are getting tired of this shit. Idk how they deal with him but I cannot. I’m getting fed up. Every little thing triggers him and honestly if the shoe fits. But I’m not about to sit there and entertain or argue with him. I don’t have that kinda energy. I’m trying to save my energy for the week because it’s gunna be a long week for me and it’s only the beginning of the week. So yeah imma just laugh about everything and if it’s an issue then that’s on you. Let’s see how long until I get an apology because it’s the same shit every single time. But let’s see what shit he snitched about because I can guarantee he is not showing up today after yesterday.

[jelfoejvpaofjv]

I just have way too much time on my hands today. I’m loving it forsure because it’s been awhile since I’ve been able to post anything. I’ve just been busy with life lately and forgetting things and sleeping more often. I hope we are extra staffed this whole week because it is nice having help around here. I know it wouldn’t matter for me Tuesday and Wednesday because they stopped staffing extras there because of the new regular but I hope tomrorow and Thursday would have extras. I finally had some time to figure out the phone bills up to date and I would be collecting about seven hundred total from tt and ft. And usually I would give the kids a lot of money but I’m gunna learn from Jess and give these kids way less money. Sorry husky boy. I’m learning to be cheap from your cheap aunt. I’m gunna remind Mary about her report card and hopefully I don’t have to pay her out but I hope I do pay her out because that means she is taking school seriously. Like I wish I had someone pay me for good grades growing up. And you know what, this time around I’m going to let her be in control of her own money and not dictate how she spends her money because of her mom. She is getting old enough to the point where she can do whatever she pleases with the hard earned money that she deserves. Ughh these cramps are no joke. Just another left and I feel like someone is just punching my belly away. I don’t like how I look and feel at all. I need to get back to somewhat of a diet. Cut off all these carbs besides carbs frm fruits and veggies because this double chin ain’t cute and this bigger belly ain’t cute and I’m just so outta shape as if I wasn’t outta shape to begin with. I need to get back to my walks or something tho. Starting to get tired and I hope this energy makes it home with me so I can just ktfo because I’m a bit worried that I won’t be able to get any rest tonight. I’m not gunna bother with count tonight unless if she mentions it because I can’t stand up without hunching. And this snitch better stay in her fuckn office and not come back in here with us. We should’ve went to this alarm because now we are going to get in trouble because this mf went out. And it was supposedly bad bad. But oh wells. Another thing idrc about. Ok we just counted. I’m so ready to go. 15 minutes til I walk out this room then 15 mins until they let us go then hopefully five min max to get to the car and hopefully thirty mins max to get home. Not sure what to expect or how to act or how I’m feeling about everything going on right now but my mood definitely changed. It’s not to say that I had a bad shift at work today but I just started thinking about all kinds of things this shift and it’s led me back to my hole. I think I’m just exhausted and need some sleep is what I really need. My migraine is starting to come in and that’s not good because my work week is just beginning only. And usually working doubles is what triggers my migraines so why is it coming already when I’m just on a single. Like I could just faint if I get up too quick. T minus 6 minutes and counting. Going to finish up my refusals then head out. We shall see how tomrorow goes for me.

[jelfoejvpaofjv]

A part of me is having fomo. But a part of me doesn’t want to be around people either. I know I’m pretty humble about things and I don’t need to go broadcasting things for people to know because as long I know the truth that’s all that matters to me. Yio ong I know that this ceremony is for you and there may not be as much people showing up these few days and I was able to go for one day but I know I’ve contributed to a lot already. Half those boats and boxes were because of me and there may not be a box with my name on it but it’s ok. I’m not trippn. I know everyone who shows up today and tomrorow is going to be fighting over those boxes forsure but they could all thank me for their boxes. I know that money changes people and it always comes down to people fighting over money but I know your sons mean well. And it sucks seeing them fall a part because I had to witness that with your brothers kids. I couldn’t make it for a rice catching but it’s ok. I know this is the final ceremony but you will never be forgotten. Look at all of your grandkids and great grandkids that are all there supporting you. Father’s Day is just a week away too. Happy early Father’s Day because I know when the day comes my mind will be all over the place. I hope you’re reunited with the family up there and you guys are all having a great time laughing about all the stupid shit we are getting ourselves into down here.

[jelfoejvpaofjv]

Things have been going good in my life lately. Getting back on my med may be playing a role in that idk yet. I know I took some days to reflect and it felt great just not worrying about anyone or anything. And I think these next few days where I bury myself in work may be what I need to get away from everyone again. I’m going to think about what I want to do and see where I would want to go or do and take a little weekend trip by myself and work on some self care to clear my mind a bit and focus on my overall life. I know Jess would tell me let’s go somewhere and do something but I know it’s just gunna be let’s smoke n drink and eat and that’s not something I really wanna do. I need to focus on losing weight if not maintaining because I’m starting to gain weight again. Today is gunna be the last day I eat whatever it is I want to eat because come tomorrow I’m going back on a diet. I plan to go on a liquid diet for the next five days. Well just until Friday evening when I go to jrs party because I know I won’t be able to resist not eating there. This is kinda why working a lot is good for me too because I’m too busy to be eating and dnt wanna risk having to shit at work that I would not eat. Oh yay I just found out sugarmomma will be in training with me this week. At least there’s someone that I will know because it’s always so intimidating walking in not knowing anyone and there’s so many custody that knows each other. Hopefully we get a seat next to each other. I guess I haven’t set a goal for this week yet. Going to make it simple. To just get by my work week without crashing. And for Friday I would want to get through the night without regretting going there. And for Sunday I can’t say to not shed any tears because I know I will get emotional that day forsure. That’s why I want it off. And it just happened to be a blessing in disguise for me. Hmmm maybe I should go somewhere this weekend. And bring my mom along too. Go on a mini trip together. With Jess too and come back Sunday morning/afternoon so I can make it back to the cemetery on time. Going to talk to Jess about it and see what there is to do because I haven’t taken my mom anywhere out of town for a good minute now. And I know she was let down about spring break this year too after these past years where we travel as a family. And my sister couldn’t invite her to join them because she wanted my mom to dog sit. Ridiculous. It would have to be somewhere up north as we always travel south. But idk what there is to do. But then she wouldn’t wanna go anywhere either because of her garden so iono. Either do something with mom or I do something myself. I’m so fuckn cold rn but I don’t wanna put on my sweater because people are so used to me wanting it cold asf in the room and I even offered to turn it up a few degrees but she doesn’t want to and told me it’s ok leave it cold so I just need to suck it up and not be a bitch. This elephant bitch wanna call over here with an attitude and shit. Dumb fat bitch. Ughh less than 3hrs more to go only. I honestly don’t know why these people are so high school drama. Like do they not get enough attention by their husbands and wives and kids and family at home or what. They literally make work a living hell for some people and one things forsure is that I will smile away and laugh to myself as I’m walking alone because these bitches are not gunna see that they get the best of me. Imma kill them with kindness. And I know I’m trying to work on my mental health and have been saying it for some time now and I need to keep remembering that because sometimes I get overhyped and bothered. I just need people to remind me that I need to calm down and work on my mental health. Zen myself. Keep my tone of voice down because coming into work today I was a little too loud. Yelling at everyone because I was mad I was left standing outside in the heat for 5 minutes and still not let inside. Starting now I will be calm. Imma get these guys asking me what’s wrong forsure because my energy level will drop from a hundred to zero real quick.