jenamartin4

[jenamartin4]

There comes a day when you realize turning the page is the best feeling in the world, because you realize there is so much more to the book than the page you were stuck on."

It is bittersweet to begin the transition of this blog to one that reflects the season we are now in. These pages began as a sacred time between me and the words that flowed from my heart, an attempt to capture the emotions and raw truth of taking the risk to open our hearts and our home to children in foster care and love them for however long the Lord and the judicial system allowed us to.  

There have been small experiences in the past few weeks that have become big revelations to my mama heart. I have received 3 calls from Dakota’s school, two being from the school nurse and one from his resource teacher, updating me on his progress and praising him for the leaps and bounds he has made behaviorally, socially, and academically. What I haven’t had was a call or text or email from his teachers requesting support or asking me to meet with them and provide insight from his past that would help them support him more fully. When I said this out loud, I sobbed; big tears of relief, pride, and overwhelming relief that my extra special guy is soaring. To God be the glory!

I recently had a conversation with a mom who has also adopted and she had no idea we had Gracie from the heart and not the womb, despite our girls knowing each other for the last two years. Again, a reminder of a new season  I am in, not the protective sharer of their story, but simply their mama.

Jacob was asked to write a narrative about one of his early childhood memories, and he chose to share a chapter from his past that his teacher and coaches were unaware of. He did so voluntarily and proudly name us as his parents, with no explanation or phone call or follow up needed from me.

My sweet Jackson made a family tree in his preschool class and when we read it together, it was without interruption in my heart because for the first time, it was easy to name everyone, everyone has their place, everyone is a Martin and I didn’t have to frantically panic and try to put the pieces together for a tender heart. Previously, these class projects left me broken as our older boys had questions and gaps that I could not answer. This simple project gave me the courage to appreciate where we are now and look forward to the chapters that will be written. 

I know without a doubt we will foster again, love again, be heartbroken again, advocate again, steward precious littles again that need a caring adult to step in and provide physical, emotional and spiritual shelter, but for now, we are in This place and This season of accepting each other and loving each other, and forgiving each other and growing together as a family of 6. 

While the finalization or “permancy” of adoption for  a child  is mostly a relief, it does not come without its own heartbreak, for  with every adoption there is also a goodbye, an end to one part of a child’s life that will forever be a part of them.  Some of our experiences I will share lend themselves to those past chapters where we tread with patience , grace, and tenderness, while also forging ahead to the new ones. 

I don’t have a title for the rollover of the new blog, but I feel certain in time it will come from THE author of our story, our precious Heavenly Father, as I only pen the words.

[jenamartin4]

On May 2, 2016, Brad and I celebrated our 7 year anniversary . May 4, we finalized Gracie’s adoption and I handed out “Martin Party of 5 ” tshirts I had made as a surprise . On May 10, We celebrated Brads 37 th birthday and on May 11 we got a phone call that Gracie’s brother , baby boy Martin , had been born in Mississippi . On May 13 we finalized Jacob and Dakotas adoption with dear friends and family . 2 days later Brad flew to Canada for a business trip and I left in a suburban with a friend and 2 toddlers to bring our baby boy home . During all this , my brother in law , sister and niece moved in with us for the summer to bring extra hands and hearts into our beautiful mess before they move to Pennsylvania for the next 4 or so years . And our house sold in 4 days . And our closing was delayed three times . And in the midst of this , things got real in our marriage . Brad and I found ourselves at a crossroads of sorts . Our common ground has always been our faith , our family and our resolve to always find our way back to each other . We have been down similar paths through the season of a new job, moving to a new state , walking the road of infertility and miscarriage , longing in the wait of fostering and adoption to become our own family . But here we were , so caught up in the daily grind of surviving that our words became short , our affection lessened and our sense of union threadbare . And just like He does , our Heavenly Father wraps around us in ways only he can author . He turns hurt into an opportunity to see our spouse through His eyes. He brings a complete stranger into your life at just the right moment to pray words of truth and wisdom over your marriage that only someone who has lived a similar story could . He reminds us through our co workers to laugh , be present and say I’m sorry . It sounds simple , but in the daily grind of changing diapers , cleaning spit up for the 10 th time before 10 am, doctors appointments , 3 loads of dishes a day , oh wait , did the dogs get fed ? , work, advocating for your little with special needs who’s having a hard time at his summer program , and on and on and on, the laughing and forgiving and enjoying the moment isn’t so easy . And what comes next is something I’ve said 100 times before , BUT GOD. thank goodness my role of Daughter of the King, wife , mom, earthly daughter , sister , co worker , friend , advocate , volunteer , house keeper , chauffeur isn’t dependent on me or my actions . I’ll never be wise enough , funny enough , rested enough , house cleaned enough , children fed only all natural we eat lunchables enough . But what I can do is be a wife that builds up and doesn’t tear down . A wife that listens with intent and isn’t mentally going over the next few days to do lists . I can look at my husband and see a man who leapt with me off the ledge to become a family of 6 in less than 2 years . A man that gives his all at work to provide and set a future and a man that feeds our niece her late night bottle because she loves him dearly. And then I watch him tenderly fall asleep with Jackson Bradley, his namesake , after cutting the grass and putting the trampoline back together . I have so much more to share about the very real truth of our Martin Party of Six but as I end tonight , I am thankful that we always cross the road together , hand in hand . While I’m sure we will again stand at the crossroads of differences , business , exhaustion , trials , temptations or whatever else the world brings our way , I give all the thanks and praise to our Heavenly Father who knew 5 years after we said “Until death do us part ” we would be given the tremendous honor of raising 4 of His children who are so precious in His sight . Jackson Bradley Martin has been the sweetest , snuggliest, smallest , most precious addition to our family and I can’t wait to see where this journey leads us next .

[jenamartin4]

Dear Jackson

Today you turn one.  Even though you are our fourth child, you were our first baby. The first night we spent together in Mississippi, you were less than a week old and barely four pounds. I pulled the mattress off the bed and laid you beside me on the hotel floor and watched you sleep the entire night. I had never held anyone so small that came with such big responsibility. We brought your sister with us and Nat Nat and Nuggie, which meant frequent stops and hungry toddlers on board. You went inside Chick fil as a four pound peanut and have been the most laid back, easy going, delightful baby ever since. It’s like you knew you would be the baby that went everywhere and did everything early because you have three older siblings to keep up with. You think Dakota is hilarious, and you try so hard to play with your protective but bossy sissy, who shares the same lips, dimpled fingers and chubby toes as you do.

Aunt Jess gave you your first bath because I was scared to and Uncle Ian did skin on skin with you until your daddy got back from Canada to meet you. He fell in love with you the moment he walked in the door. You have his middle name, and Jacob named you Jackson because he wanted you to have a J name like his, and a link to the state you were born in. Jackson Mississippi is the “The City with Soul,” which fits you perfectly as you rock and sway to blues and gospel music in the morning while mommy gets dressed for work.

You ate every 90 minutes during the first few months of your life, as you were catching up, proving your resiliency over and over, determined to defy the odds surrounding your birth. This will serve you well in the years to come, my sweet son.

You have grown us as parents, through sleep deprivation, reflux, teething, milestones, and all the emotions of raising you in the moment while always thinking ahead about your journey in the future.

You are so loved, little one, by friends, family, babysitters and co workers. Your raspy giggle and snaggle tooth grin brighten every day and your soft brown skin mommy loves to kiss is pure sugar. 

Happy Birthday to the baby that completes Martin Party of 6. You are a blessing in every way.

[jenamartin4]

Today I was quickly checking my personal email and saw the subject line “Jena, where have you been? Tumblr misses you”. I stopped a minute and thought, oh I miss you too, I’ve been wanting to blog for weeks and haven’t made the time. And then I laughed out loud as I thought of where I have been..Just Today. Just today, Jack welcomed Tuesday at 5:30 am. I sent the boys over to our precious neighbors who have been taking them to school the last 5 plus days so I don’t have to pack the babies up for drop off. I went to a doctor’s appointment because sometimes I do follow through with taking care of myself, headed on to work for a staff meeting, dropped a prescription off at Target on the way, left after a few hours and scooped up Gracie, Jack and my sweet sitter to see Jacob perform in his school play, dropped the littles back off, and went back to work for the remainder of the afternoon. I scheduled some special education trainings for foster parents around the state , had a few moments of adult conversations, read through a grant, then headed home, but not before stopping by Target again to pick up the before mentioned prescription and also dashed into Trader Joes so we could have dinner, snacks, milk and the “granilla bars” I have been promising Dakota I would get for him. In the midst of all this are my people who make it all work. It’s our sweet nanny who dear friends let us share during the crazy morning hours who makes sure we all eat a warm breakfast...literally every morning she feeds me, the babies, Brad and his assistant. Its walking in from a tough Monday after a no sleep Sunday night to see she has folded every piece of the 6 loads of laundry I did the night before, without me asking. Its my neighbors who are in the middle of their own foster journey that say “let us help in the morning”, adding my two boys to their family of 5 morning routine. It’s neighborhood mamas who let the boys play at the park while I work and the babies nap, and who take Jacob to the second play performance tonight at 6pm and then feed him dinner because I was on the way home from work to start second shift with the littles. Its Jacob’s basketball coach who has no down time because he’s a pediatrician and has three kiddos of his own that takes him to a make up game on Monday night after 6 so our other three can get to bed on time and keep our routine. Its my saving grace college sitter that handles all four of the Martin kiddos three days a week while Brad and I work and had dinner ready tonight when I walked in the door late, I’m always late these days and she still stays with us. Its co workers who text and say “ hey, can I grab you a starbucks” and supervisors that say “breathe, its OK to feel overwhelmed and its even ok to ask for help.” Its a girl friend text chain late at night that makes me laugh and a coffee date with prayer that strengthens me.

I have never been good at asking for anything. I quit girl scouts because I didnt like asking people to buy cookies and I certainly dont want to ask people to help me with the day to day logistics of having 4 kids under 11, 2 full time working parents and a business that often times calls for Brad to travel weeks at a time . Why is it so hard for me to ask? Maybe because we chose this crazy beautiful life and all that comes with it, or that I think I have it mostly together when I really dont, or maybe its because it lets others in and makes me feel a little guilty knowing it will be a few years before  I can truly return the favor. I know in my heart none of these sweet souls expects anything in return, but one of my gifts is giving and serving because it brings me such joy, and right now this season in our lives rarely allows me to do that. But the truth is, asking for help has forged new friendships not only for me but for my children. Leaning on my people makes me a better wife, mama, coworker and friend because we aren’t meant to do this life alone. It is still difficult and very humbling for me to ask our village for anything , or say yes to the gracious offers of others, but when I’m being completely honest with myself, I dont really have it all together and that’s ok. I believe our family came together in the most amazing way and we have these beautiful friends in our life to walk alongside us through the journey. For me today, it is so very important to thank everyone who has provided a logistical need, transportation need, mentoring need, prayer need, financial need, a word of encouragement, a starbucks to a sleepy mama need, and most importantly, the need to have others wrap around you when sometimes you just aren’t sure how to make it all work. Thankfully, it isn’t up to just me, the one who makes it all work is Greater than my fear of asking for help or any anxiety  or self doubt that likes to take up space in my head - His Grace, His Provision, His steadfast Love continues to show up all around me and Martin Party of 6 every single day in the most helpful and loving ways.

[jenamartin4]

What a Year

This is our Christmas card, turned New Years card, now virtual card, because it’s been that kind of year. If I had to sum it up in one word, it would be “survival”. We have had life changes that many go through in 20 plus years, all within 2 years, the culmination mostly being the year of 2016.  Fostering, adoptions, welcoming a 4 pound peanut, living with my sister, brother in law and niece for a summer, moving, new jobs, new responsibilities, less sleep when sleep was already scarce, more joy, new milestones, richer friendships, a fair share of heartache that maybe one day I  will share when it isn’t so raw, and a new kind of perseverance we didn’t know was possible until it became a requirement. A way of life. A mode to exist. Survival. 

Life is hard sometimes. Marriage is hard a lot of the time. Parenting is hard the majority of the time.  It is a balancing act with no real balance. It is moments of questioning our new reality with a lot of grace and faith intertwined. It is two people who are flawed and broken individually parenting four souls with their own brokenness. It is a redemption story that is still being written and thankfully, the author knew every single line, detailed every plot,  and knew every mishap, struggle and wavering this year would bring. And still, because we are HIS, because he Adopted us first, we are able to stay the course because His Grace is Sufficient. 

I do not personally participate in New Year resolutions, and I do not care for halfhearted attempts and empty promises that lead to let down and unfair expectations. For me, reflection and improvement without dwelling in the negative is how I hope to shape the course of a new year. In our prayers tonight, I prayed over Jacob, who is having a particularly difficult season, gratitude for a Savior who knows our simple human minds need the encouragement of a new year, a new month, a new week, even a new day, to give us the kind of hope for a future Jeremiah 29:11 speaks of. For Martin Party of 6, this looks like more intentional family time, time with the older boys with only Brad and I so they have  our full  attention, coffee dates before work that encourage two tired, busy, life partners to reconnect without blowing the child care budget, less social media, more face to face, less things and more experiences, more “me time”, selective Yes’s and intentional No’s, more community with our village and most importantly, more time spent in prayer, being Still with the one who loves us most. 

Wrapping up 2016, I wouldn’t change a thing, but there are things we will change. Psalm 37:4 has always been one of my favorite bible verses. For 2017, I am putting my faith all in that when we “Delight ourselves in the Lord (FIRST..over people, material things, careers, addictions, indiscretions, our relationships or maybe lack there of, our own fleshly desires whatever those may be) HE will give us the desires of our heart . What greater joy can a new year bring ? 

[jenamartin4]

“Every Day May Not Be Good, But There is Something Good in Every Day”

I’ve been mentally drafting this post  for weeks because I couldn’t narrow the focus of what it is I want to portray.  My heart has been burdened about so many things recently, some personal, others bigger picture.  I sat with  these things and I prayed and  wept and  got angry and emotional and  then I did what I always do when things seem overwhelmingly out of control- I watched and listened and observed the good. I captured moments of  kindness and  saw interactions that were pure of heart. I have pictures of strangers helping each other during Hurricane Matthew , complete strangers of different backgrounds, professions and skin color filling each other’s car with gas when one was stranded, another image of a policeman changing a flat tire for a family in the pouring rain. And while these things are SO good, I needed to bring it a  little closer to home, to focus on the good and lovely right in front of me as it relates to my people, the little ones that have their own story that is right now filled with so much goodness and love.

I asked permission to write about Dakota’s therapeutic aid at school, “Miter Davis”. I’ve heard about Mr. Davis for three years now but have not had a personal conversation with him until a few weeks ago. I knew he was special because over two years ago when  I washing Dakota’s school uniform pants, I found several handfulls of flowers in one of the pockets. When I asked him what they were for, he said “ I got in a little bit of trouble because I be a little bit bad and Miter Davis had to take me for a walk so I picked them for him.” Obviously if you get flowers after having to provide behavioral intervention, you’re a good man. And maybe Dakota is especially talented in finding something good in the day when it hasnt been that good of a  good day.  For me, however,  it wasnt until I sat in a room with him and heard him speak about my son that I truly understood just how special “Miter Davis” really is.  Mr. Davis is about 6′4, built like a professional linebacker and has the voice to match. When  he spoke in his deep voice out of his man size frame, he spoke words of  kindness and praise about my sweet boy who has struggled almost every day of every year in school. He spoke about his character and life lessons, and how he teaches him to have a firm handshake and to speak to others how he wants to be treated. He lovingingly reminds him to  say yes sir and no sir like his mama and daddy teach him to do at home. He told me he treats him like his son and encourages him to be independent so he will be successful as an adult. And while we were there to discuss his educational needs and classroom placement and behavior,  I stopped in the middle of this meeting and with tears streaming down my face, thanked him for speaking so much good. He is one of Dakota’s heroes. A child knows when you believe in him and when we say “Miter Davis” around our house, the smiles are abundant. Mr. Davis is a difference maker.

We’ve also been very blessed to have met some precious neighbors who are beginning the fostering journey and who also have two boys that have embraced Dakota as a  friend and playmate. Recently when we went around the dinner table and named what we were thankful for, he spoke up for the first time without having to be prompted and said “friends!” “ I have new friends and I had my first friend sleepover with another friend and I not really have no friends before them”. And while this pulled at my mama heartstrings, I saw the good in this, the joy my little guy felt from having a sense of belonging with his new buddies. 

To draw this post to a close, I choose to focus on the fiercely emerging sibling bond between Gracie and Dakota. When I think about having 4 children in less than 2.5 years, 2 sets of siblings with a range of ages, needs, experience, gender, race, and histories, it is only by God’s grace that the Good outweighs the hard ( most days) with  Martin Party of 6.  Gracie’s first words when she wakes up are “ Da-Co Co kool?” and I have to disappoint her when I confirm that her Dakota is indeed at school. Her face lights up when he gets home and if she happens to still be napping when he walks in, his face falls because he knows my answer will be no when he asks me if he can wake her up to play.  They are often huddled together reading a book or sharing sweet moments of pure adoration and sometimes I’m lucky enough to catch them. 

Even though I have so many other things weighing on my mind and heart, the purpose of this blog is to chronicle our journey of fostering and adoption, to share truth and struggle and encouragement and to at the end of every day, take the risk and remember to find the good along the way. I pray you are able to do the same whatever you are facing today.

[jenamartin4]

Meet Jackson Bradley Martin. He's been with us almost 12 weeks and it's high time he made his official blog appearance . A little background ... On May 2, 2016, Brad and I celebrated our 7 year anniversary . May 4, we finalized Gracie’s adoption and I handed out “Martin Party of 5 ” tshirts I had ordered as a surprise . On May 10, We celebrated Brads 37 th birthday and on May 11 we got a phone call Gracie’s brother , baby boy Martin , had been born in Mississippi . On May 13 we finalized Jacob and Dakotas 's adoption with dear friends and family and Two days later, Brad flew to Canada for a business trip and I left in a suburban with a friend and 2 toddlers to bring our baby boy home . During all this , my brother in law , sister and niece moved in with us for the summer to bring extra hands and hearts into our beautiful mess before they move to Pennsylvania for the next 4 or so years . And our house sold in 4 days . And our closing was delayed three times . Our sweet Jackson got thrown right into the mix of our zoo. He is snuggly and smiley and sometimes fussy and we are so thankful for the honor of raising him along side his sister . God truly does write the best stories , who would have ever imagined we would have 2 separate sibling groups making up Martin Party of 6. Many have asked how the boys are - they are great and take pride in being big brothers . Gracie is super protective of her "Jack Jack" and likes to feed him his bottle and rush to his rescue when he needs his binki . And just like the other three , he is already teaching us life lessons about the amazing unconditional love of a newborn , the pure exhaustion of surviving and not sleeping , and the differences that continue to exist because of the color of his skin. He came into our lives at a pivotal time in our country and we are the better for it . There is a softer , more gentle acceptance within our walls . There are conversations with our boys , our neighbors , our pediatricians and our family members that we haven't previously had. Brad and I pray certain prayers for each child because of their wounds , their strengths , their needs , and Jack is no different except he is - my prayers for him regarding safety and respect and inclusion come from a deep down maternal cry that has been shielded or sheltered until we brought him home . I look at him and see such pure innocence and I struggle with how our world spews hate and hurt . I don't have any prophetic words to share or enlightening answers to impart, but I can without hesitation, say that baby Jack has already begun a legacy of unity , love and opportunity in our village . I can't wait to tell him thank you .

[jenamartin4]

GRACE As we leave Mississippi , the birthplace of our daughter , a state I had not visited prior to this journey and have since been to twice to legally finalize her place in our family , I am overcome yet again with the emotions of foster care and adoption. Yesterday we stood in a courtroom before a judge and were asked to recount what brought Gracie into our care , we explained why we would be the best choice for her future, and swore an oath to love her as our own , as if she had been naturally born to us. In answering those questions and affirming her adoption, we had to share some of her unfortunate past , and pieces of our niece's story that isn't ours to tell and breaks our heart , and then give a verbal admission of her not being born to us biologically that we tend to brush past in the day to day because that part doesn't matter to us , we know we are her parents and will raise her as if she had been . On this monumental day, words like "family " "brokenness" , "grace " , "infertility", "cycle" "systems " , "addiction" , "Joy" , " safety" , "stability " and LOVE crashed all around us . Brad took the stand as an uncle , a brother , a husband and a daddy . He spoke with such grace and love and left no room for questioning why we were here and what Gracie's future as our daughter will look like . When it was my turn to take the stand , I held Gracie while she slept blissfully unaware of one of the biggest days of her life being decided around her . I blubbered through it while kissing her sweet face over and over and promising to love her unconditionally as my own . Last night , we had the honor of sitting around the table and having dinner with the family who cared for her first , who loved her and kept her safe as her Foster parents . We found out she first entered care and into their home on April 1, which is my birthday . God placed her with good people who will be our dear friends for life . Brandy, her foster mom for 5 months and who we call Aunt Brandy, held her and rocked her to sleep in the courtroom and made her a beautiful sign for her new room we will cherish forever . The Lord was already weaving this friendship long before we knew and we are forever grateful for their part in Gracie's story. Today as we were leaving , Gracie was able to meet her Aunt Savannah for the first time , Brad's niece and sister to Gracie's biological mom. Gracie woke up from A nap and reached straight for Aunt Savvy and gave her sugar . Her little heart knew this was her family too and someone who will always love her and understands the heartbreak and redemption of her story. As we leave the gulf , we leave with the promise that His Plan is always greater , that family comes in all kind of ways and that sweet baby Gracie Martin is so incredibly wanted and loved .

[jenamartin4]

Lots of people ask how we do it - how do we foster , how do we foster 4 , how do we both work , how do we balance , how do we sleep , just HOW? First , it is truly by God's grace and provision of physical and mental endurance because it would not be possible in any human form or fashion any other way. A friend prays specifically for strength when we are tired and patience when we are spread thin . It's friends that send texts like the one above , and friends who drop off dinner or treasures on the porch unprompted . Its babysitters who are family that take the kids for a few hours so we can breathe - or change playrooms into bedrooms or whatever . It's a husband who picks me up when I'm discouraged and loves these babies fiercely . It's coworkers who tell me to breathe and be a mama first because that makes me more effective in my work . It's a pastor speaking words of truth to me by asking the question "what do you need to surrender ?" It's family who pray over court dates and encourage us when anxiety wants to trump faith . It's neighborhood friends who love our littles and embrace the zoo with open arms . It's teachers in the special education world who text me pictures and updates when our little guy meets a goal , and it's caseworkers and Early Interventionists who advocate for what is truly best for our special littles . So it's not the how , it's the WHO and it would not be possible in any other way . Happy Easter dear friends !

[jenamartin4]

Let Me Tell You About a Little Girl...

That has said so much to us in the last 8 days without uttering a single word. She has been our teacher and shown us more than the four combined therapies she is approved to receive. This beautiful, joyful, nonverbal child has already done Kingdom work in her three little years.  Sharing her story has  brought 5 people to inquire about becoming a foster parent. Less than a week of encounters has wrecked one of our brand new babysitters life in the best way- she is changing her major to special education and wants to work with children who have an autism diagnosis. She has gripped my husband’s heart so tight that when  I thought he was running late this morning from taking the boys to school and her to daycare, I just knew he was surprising me with a “oh its Monday happy treat Starbucks delivery”. Instead, he had gone to Lowes and bought  pink light bulbs to put in her lamp to make her room even more fit for a princess.  The magnitude of her effect on us and our community is overwhelming in the most beautiful way,

Many friends have asked what this means for our family and in all transparency, I have to say we do not yet know.  We have 3 of four children who are still legally in foster care, who we still cover their faces, who we still and always will protect their past and simultaneously battle for their future.  The boys adoptions should be finalized and permanent in less than 60 days. Our sweet baby Gracie, who started in foster care and became a legal relative placement with us as her guardians, will be finalized through adoption by May. And what we know about *A is that she will be loved day by day by this crazy household, she will know Jesus and unconditional love and forgiveness like every child that has entered through the doors of our home , no matter the time frame, and that we will be obedient to God’s calling on her life and what he calls us to do in the journey of her story. What  I do know is that every night this child the Bible calls “of the fatherless “, must drift off to sleep with a whisper from her Heavenly Father as he speaks this truth: “ Well done, my good and faithful servant”. Our “Lady A” as we call her, will without a doubt,  have her heavenly crown waiting.

[jenamartin4]

Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’ Matthew 25:40

I’ve struggled with writing this post and sharing our story as it continues to unfold.  The world says its crazy, the well meaning and supporting thank us and give us praise that is undo, unwanted and unwarranted, and  our close friends and family worry about our sanity, our marriage and our limits.  But the constant tugging in my heart tonight was to share that this little pumpkin, truly the least of these, is worth it. It’s worth the fear. It’s worth the long conversations and hours in prayer Brad and I have had in deciding to accept her referral for placement. She is different but not less. She doesn’t have words because of her autism diagnosis, but that doesn’t define her communication. Her smile when I picked her up from daycare, her giggle when Brad tickles her, her sweet gesture of touching my face when I brushed her hair and put her pjs on says more than words ever could in those precious moments. She doesn’t have a voice that articulates words, but she has a spirit that has already filled our house with laughter and tears. 

I also felt called to write tonight in hopes of painting a picture of what our village does. There is no way we could do this on our own or prepare our home for another little one if it weren’t for community. Our babysitters have stayed over extra and stepped in and stepped up, churches have come together and shared their foster closet with us as we had NOTHING for a three year old little girl, friends have dropped off clothes, toys , books and a bible, crib sheets and a mattress, play gates and pull ups showed up on our porch and others have poured words of truth, challenge and encouragement over us as we walked this decision out. Its not difficult to love her, or provide for her or welcome her, but the logistics of 4 littles, 2 with special needs, one who has known neglect and craves attention and the baby who we are still bonding with all have their roles in our family that we worry and pray about daily, sometimes hourly. We made this decision as a family, we explained to the boys they could share their opinion and voice any concerns.  Their perspective is so pure and genuine as their answer was a complete yes. A yes to a home, a yes to a family, a yes to giving up their playroom so she can be safe downstairs, a yes to being honest if they felt left out, a yes to having a servant’s heart when they could easily say no because of their slighted past. Brad and I committed to giving this a shot and nothing else. To sewing seeds in this baby’s heart of Christ’s love, of being worthy despite her circumstances and her story saying otherwise.  Praise God He is the author of her story and not those characters who tried to scribble and smear ugly on her pages. 

The truth about foster care  in our experience is that it is the saddest, messiest, most confusing and despairing aspect of humanity that effects the most innocent and vulnerable littles beings we are supposed to cherish, steward and love without condition.  I also know it has been the most challenging and rewarding experience of our life and it is part of us. It isnt’ a fad or a new project and it most certainly is not about us. What I can say is we are commanded to do something for the good of others, to look beyond our comfort zone and our fears and take the risk in whatever act of service that is divinely inspired between you and the good Lord. Every single person who has prayed, supported, delivered, gathered, showered, educated, suggested and had us on your mind is serving and actively engaging in changing the course of a little girl’s life. From the bottom of our hearts, our bursting at the seams, beautiful mess of a family thanks you. 

[jenamartin4]

It is Well

Pre Adoption day signing. These two boys who have grown so much, seen so much, lived so much and witnessing them signing their names to a piece of paper that will go to a judge and ultimately change the direction of their lives..not sure I have words. The enormity of that is huge. The responsibility of that is overwhelming. The goodness in His plan is awe inspiring.

It’s these days that get you through the messy. Fostering is hard, Parenting is hard in general.  Children with a past that both identifies them but doesn’t define them is confusing. The shadows of those ghosts that linger will sneak up and catch you off guard and make you question all kind of things. 

When we got in the car yesterday after finishing mounds of paperwork, one of my favorite hymns was sweetly playing. I listened with a different perspective and with emphasis on “whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to know, It is well, it is well, with my soul.”  It is well in the messy, and it is well in the forgiveness and it is well in the gentle spirit of redemption we live everyday. It doesn’t say when its easy or convenient or pretty, but in “whatever my lot’. THis is a challenge for me to reevaluate my emotions and thoughts and actions in each season and each opportunity to “Be Well” because our family is right where God ordained us to be.

And lets raise all the praise hands because I wrote my last daily logs for the boys yesterday, which totals over 1500 daily documented goals and interventions shared. What will I do with all my free time? Ha!

[jenamartin4]

“Different, Not Less” ~Temple Grandin

I believe God places people in your life at designated times for a multitude of reasons. Some of these sweet souls have shown me perspective, others grace, a small few unconditional love. There are also those that  have taught me how cruel the world can be, have opened my eyes to what disparity looks like, and some  who have challenged me in ways that cause me to pause and think bigger. Do more. Pray harder with purpose. Press on. 

As a family, we are in a season of change.  The dynamics have shifted with the addition of sweet baby G, both Brad and my career have us fulfilling a calling that we hope will serve a bigger purpose, and we just received confirmation that D and J are legally free for us to adopt. In “system” words, it means we are close to permanency , close to their last name being Martin, almost to the finish line of being able to share their beautiful faces and find some normalcy that has been disrupted in the last 18 months.  

This has been a week of reflection for me since we were told adoption is near. I’m not sure if I can put into words that at the  exact same moment of hearing this news, both overwhelming joy and sadness filled my heart. Joy for our family to no longer be in limbo, joy to be able to assure the boys they will never be moved again, or asked to live with strangers, or give up what they know. Relief in knowing I am by law, although in mind, body and soul it has been this way since March 4, 2014, recognized as their mama. Pure joy to know we will see them grow up, always be the ones to celebrate milestones, advocate for their best interest, show them Jesus and model love, grace and forgiveness. And then, the deepest sense of heartache that foster care exists. A reminder that our 2 boys are tucked safely in bed and know they will have 3 meals and an education and a family to see them reach their goals, cheer for them on the sports field, question why their grades were different this 9 weeks and make goals supporting improvement based on their individual skills and strengths. But what I am really challenged with right now, is that our God is so BIG and perfect in his plan and wisdom, that he gave us a son with a multitude of extra special needs to love AS HE IS. To not Fix, but encourage. To not BE SEEN AS LESS, but to appreciate the different. To burden my soul to the extent of unrelenting prayers to make a change for over 3000 children in foster care but ESPECIALLY the ones who slip through the cracks because they are different. 

This post is unlike my others in that  I am opening up and taking a risk to share my heart tonight as a foster mom, an advocate, and a Believer. There is so much work to be done to give each of these precious children hope and a future.  There is no greater satisfaction in my earthly life than to be a wife and mom to our three  children.  And yet I know there is more. More work to be done to ensure little souls who have no control over their circumstances know without a doubt they may be different but not less. To know what it means to be wanted, supported and loved. To help the world see these little magnificent people FIRST, and the special need or disability or cruel past second. I almost typed not at all, but that piece of each of us, of each of these children, make up a part of our whole. 

Proverb 31:8-9  Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute. 9 Speak up and judge fairly; defend the rights of the poor and needy.”

[jenamartin4]

[jenamartin4]

REST

I couldn’t wait to write this blog after listening to a dynamic sermon Sunday morning that changed my perspective for 2016.   The themes resonated around peace, rest , and service, and we were challenged as a community of believers to listen to God’s prompting of what * I will Stop doing in 2016, *what  I will Start doing in 2016 and *what those next steps are.   For type A , organized, list loving people like me, this was speaking to me ! I had that feeling where you leave revival or summer camp and you are on that spiritual high that makes you want to put all things aside and raise your hands and soak it in. I was basking in His glory.

I planned to drop the boys off early at school this morning and zip over to Panera for some hazelnut coffee and  time with Jesus  before going in to work. My first mistake was daydreaming about this daydream- I planned for peace and quiet and well truthfully, the Lord either laughed or really wanted to challenge me this morning.  It all sounds good in theory when I’m sitting with my people on the church pew, rejoicing and being introspective about peace and rest but cue real life. D screamed for 2 hours last night and could not self regulate or be soothed. Baby G smashed her chubby dimpled finger in her dresser drawer the second I turned around to put her clothes away , and J had a complete meltdown about walking the dogs. The kind we haven’t seen in months where he wails and belly crawls and is a diva in his tantrum.  For a good three hours, our home was anything but peaceful , but  the Lord promises joy in the morning so I went to sleep encouraged for a new day. We awoke to late alarms and grumpy day 2 back to school kiddos.   I forgot I had actually been planful and put chicken in the crock pot over night so it needed to be shredded and prepped. The trash was overflowing because my kiddos couldn’t get through their chores last night because of the meltdowns.  The dog’s food was poured into the water bowl side of their dishes because D wasn’t wearing his glasses because they felt weird. The diaper geenie decided to not do its job and an unpleasant aroma was welcoming Tuesday morning. I  stopped the car 2 times before making it to school to address behavior. People, school is 2.3 miles away from my house.   All of those joyful, I’m resolving to have more patience and be still thoughts are completely out the window as my heart is racing, its 38 degrees outside but my shirt is wet from sweating and I AM COMING UNGLUED.  Those three angels I love more than life were literally sucking me dry and stealing my JOY.

But wait. But God. Deep calls to Deep. Rest. Be Still . Come to me when you are tired and weak and heavy laden. Not to your idea of the perfect blog update, the cup of coffee in a quiet booth you long for, not in the circumstances or the resolutions but in the middle of the chaos of this life I gave you COME To ME.   THe Lord is near always, it is we who are too busy and distracted in our own perceived independence and  ( false ) strength that we forget to rely on Him.  

What I want to leave you with because I am late for work now and my gas tank is on empty because this is real life, is encouragement to  any of you who are reading this to let God bring you rest.  My 2016 is going to be the opposite of the traditional New Years lists and resolutions.  I don’t want to spend my energy on obsessing about my weight or that my kids haven’t had hair cuts in  way too long or my car hasn’t been washed since I bought it ( in May..my dad is dying inside)  or that the picture frames around the house need updating or the dogs really need to be groomed. Instead, I am going to seek rest and allow God to write my Story and be the author of this year. To give More grace and less judgement, to enmesh myself in community and SERVE, to belong , to operate in my gifting, and live a life pleasing to HIM because then others are blessed. Then, and only then, am I an encourager to my husband, a mama with patience and grace,a friend to my people in the truest sense and a productive employee. Running to HIM to find REST brings the balance of all those things in their respective order. I cant wait to see how He writes our year.

Edit- this was written at 7:15 am and life so I am just now able to post. If this has been your day, I pray for rest for you, too.

[jenamartin4]

HOPE

I am being chased by this word. It is entering my daydreams, my bible study, my conversations..I used to think it was overused and cliche until I found myself actively waiting in a season of  HOPE.  When Brad and I were in the trenches, someone told me Hope comes from incredible sadness, often times a place of darkness and usually a longing for something we do not have but desperately want. 

I had extra quiet time this morning while I drank coffee and waited to chaperone D’s field trip. I thought about my current situation of waiting, waiting to take my first grader to see a play and the honor of being homeroom mom to his peers. I got to kiss our sweet Gracie Grace bye and watch her wave back, a new milestone she has just recently accomplished. I parented and loved through J’s forgotten signed papers and saw joy on his face when I agreed to forgo my errands and take him to the library.   It wasn't long ago I was waiting  for the pitter patter of little feet and knew all to well the longing , wanting and hoping for the possibility of  having a family. I believe the desires of our heart (Psalm 37:4) are answered when we overflow with HOPE  in the Holy Spirit.  Our desires are answered in the way God has beautifully authored and as our family knows, may be a little different than the story you or I had written. 

Romans 8:23 says 

“23 Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies.”  

 I have without a doubt skimmed over this verse several times in my period of waiting but the enormity of its meaning weighed on me as I thought about our three children and their waiting. At the same time we were praying and being led down the path of adoption, our 2 boys were waiting for the adoption of sonship by earthly parents, just as our Savior adopts us.  Our littlest was God’s miracle, waiting on His perfect timing to make her arrival and transition into our family. She loves her brothers and it is pure sweetness watching her delight in their affection for her. 

For those of you waiting and hoping and longing in whatever season you may be in, hope for a cure, hope for a child, hope for a lost loved one, hope for any kind of miracle this season, I leave you with this truth.

Romans 15:13

13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

[jenamartin4]

Our War Room

As we closed National Adoption Month yesterday, I am again reminded by my precious oldest that this is always a journey.  There are many days that Brad and I look at each other in the first 5 minutes of stillness after the chaos of school pick up, play time, dinner, baths, therapies, medical appointments, counseling, highs and lows around the table, diaper changes, meltdowns, sweet prayers and say “ whoa, we have 3 kids.” “ Did we do this right today?”  And out of the mouths of babes, the simplicity of J’s prayer of thanks for walking beside him, asking for guidance to always put Jesus before himself and others ,and rejoicing in the ultimate sacrifice and gift of God sending his son, puts some fear and anxiety to rest. I’ve said this before, but in the middle of all the “stuff” , knowing our kids are safe, well loved, are surrounded by friends and family and know Jesus, helps us lay our heads down and know on this day we did it right. 

After seeing War Room, I knew I needed a space to call my own and seek refuge and Be STILL with my Jesus. I choose our laundry room because it has just enough space to sit and be comfortable with minimal distraction. I keep my bible in there  and a few permanent markers and its my time to fellowship, to give thanks ,to admit my sin, to pray for my marriage, my friend’s marriages, my spouse, my children, my family and any specific needs going on. J was curious about my space and on Sunday night I invited him in to be with me and Jesus. While  I was excited about “where 2 or three are gathered”, he had other plans and asked me to please step out as he sat and prayed and  wrote his own prayer which is pictured below. 

Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Yes friends, even when you have lived in 5 different places, many of them strangers at first, and have left everything you have ever known, whether it was good, bad or inbetween.