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[jenderbaby]

no it can’t be…………………………………………………………….

[jenderbaby]

supernatural was so fucking crazy. you are a thousand year old angel a holy warrior of god an inhuman entity with immense power and you're letting yourself get emotionally abused by some guy in jeans for 12 years.

[jenderbaby]

[jenderbaby]

dean breaks into the empty. no one can talk him out of going. he storms in and it’s dark and terrifying but on the horizon he sees the outline of something familiar. the sleek black and chrome lines of her, and soft music drifting from miles away. when he finally gets to her, what feels like weeks have passed, but there she is - his baby - exactly where she shouldn’t be, and right there in the passenger seat, sound asleep, is castiel. his head resting on the window, his hands folded neatly in his lap. the mixtape dean made him is in the tape deck, robert plant’s voice sounding like a lullaby somehow in this dark, empty place. just as he’s reaching out to touch him a voice over his shoulder makes dean turn, and the empty stands a few feet away, surveying them with what almost looks like pity: “it’s the only way he’d stay asleep.”

[jenderbaby]

“why does this sound like a goodbye” insane response to a love confession from your best friend of 12 years. dean skips over any emotional vulnerability or reciprocation and immediately worries about cas’s safety. happiness has always been taken from him and this kind of happiness is SO monumental that the first thing dean can think of is “how soon is this going to be taken from me”

[jenderbaby]

saw this and thought oh you know

[jenderbaby]

[jenderbaby]

for @destielmonth day 5 prompt: anniversary. Happy 5th y'all

In the dead of night, he woke with a start. Lungs gasping for breath and blood roaring in his ears. The dream had started just as it always did; the hallway and fear of their impending deaths. Strong hands guiding him along, practically dragging him towards the dungeon. A room that was home to nightmares, let alone dreams.

I made a deal... The price was my life.

Gasping into the dark, Dean looked around the room as his eyes tried to adjust to the dark. The subdued shapes around the room were out of focus and misshapen. For just one moment, he was back there. Back in the disparity. As he struggled to return his breathing back to something akin to normal, Dean groggily felt around his bedside table for his glasses; a byproduct of old age and one too many concussions.

The one thing I want... it's something I know I can't have.

The grayscale room became focused, the only light source coming from the moon outside the window. He wasn't there. He wasn't back in the room that had haunted him for two years with memories of tear-stained confessions, creeping oblivion and anguish.

The dream, like most of his dreams, had played out in memories. Jumbled up vignettes of a day he wished he could forget but was cursed with remembering for the rest of his life.

Happiness isn't in the having, it's in just being. It's in just saying it.

His head began to swim with the onslaught of memories, twisting their way under his skin and rotting down to the bone. Dean could feel his breathing become more rapid and his chest constricted again. The beginnings of a panic attack, that was what his therapist had told him. Panic over the thought of being back in that room.

As a loud gasp escaped his lips, he felt the terror subside. A strong, warm arm wrapped around his waist. The skin was tanned and warm and alive because he wasn't back there. He wasn't back there. He wasn't-

"Shhh. It's okay." A sleep-filled voice said in the dark. Dean closed his eyes, letting the sound wash over him. "Dean, it's okay. It's okay. I'm here." Cas said, moving closer to wrap himself around Dean's body, the warmth of his naked chest seeping into Dean's own.

He was right. He was here. They weren't back in that room. They were safe.

They were safe in the small but cosy bedroom of their cabin. A place far away from Lebanon. A place by the lake so Dean could fish and Cas could grow a garden. A place where they could grow. Grow old together.

"I dreamt that we were back there... y'know... that day. Like I was reliving it all over again." Dean said in a small voice. The fear still thrummed under his skin, the worry that this too could be a dream. He'd wake up and be back on the cold dungeon floor. All alone.

"I know. We're not back there though, we're here. We're both here. We're not going anywhere." I'm not going anywhere. He didn't have to say it, Dean could hear it in his voice. "I was worried that you'd have this dream again, especially considering what day it is." Cas said, his careful hands soothing Dean's breathing.

November 5th. It had been two years.

Two years to the day that he'd lost Cas. It would take another six months to get him back. Cas had stormed Hell for Dean, gripping him tight and raising him from Perdition. Dean, in return, had fought his way into the Empty. He had saved Cas just like Cas had saved him.

"Dean, we're not back there." Cas' words washed over him, dancing across his skin and filling his body with warmth "We're here. Right here, right now, this is real. We're real."

What about all of this is real? We are.

Wrapped up in Cas' arms, Dean's breathing evened out. They were real. In the cosy bedroom of their cabin, with Jack sleeping peacefully down the hall, they were safe.

Sinking further into Cas' embrace, Dean said the words he'd wanted to say back then. "I love you."

He'd said hundreds of times since then. He had said into the dark, praying that Cas would hear him. He'd said it as he'd ripped Cas from The Empty's clutches. He told Cas that he loved him every single day and he would never tire of being able to say it.

"I love you too Dean." Cas whispered.

Yes. They were real, they were safe and loved.

They were home.

[jenderbaby]

he is calling you. will you pick up?

hello<3

[jenderbaby]

"He’s going to read every single word that scribes into those irises as they share this moment: when Castiel’s dams finally break past the point of no return, and where he won’t be able to let go of Dean ever again." Lemon version in the comments <3

[jenderbaby]

post rescue kissy time

(click for better quality, full version here)

[jenderbaby]

We were never lovers, and we never will be, now. I do not regret that, however. I regret the conversations we never had, the time we did not spend together. I regret that I never told him that he made me happy, when I was in his company. The world was the better for his being in it. These things alone do I now regret: things left unsaid. And he is gone, and I am old.

—The Wake, Neil Gaiman

[jenderbaby]

1x06 transcript // 15x09 script

[jenderbaby]

[jenderbaby]

You’re still the oxygen I breathe I see your face when I close my eyes It’s torturous Tonight is gonna be the loneliest

the loneliest, måneskin // 15x18

[jenderbaby]

— sunlit lovers, m.j.

15.18 “despair” 05 november 2020