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[jennifuryz]

Dear Beverly Cleary,

I had been meaning to write to you for 41 years.  Now it is too late.

You would have been 105 today, had you survived another 18 days.  

I am not sure why I put off writing to you.  As a child I was rather forgetful and disorganized. As an adult, I suppose I was waiting to get my own books published so I could tell you how much of an influence you and your books had been on me and how, even as a child, they gave the desire to be a writer myself.  Unfortunately, I have yet to be published.  But you were still an influence on my life.  Like you, I started out as a librarian. 

Forty-five years ago I was introduced to Ramona Quimby when my mother read “Ramona and the Three Wise Persons” in the Stories for Free Children section of Ms. Magazine.  My mother told me about how she read about Ramona when she was a little girl. About a year later I met Ramona, Beezus, and Henry Huggins again in a story in my reading book. By fourth grade, I was already a huge fan of your books. I knew by then I wanted to be a writer myself.

 One of my absolute favorites was Socks.  It was hard to find good cat stories in those days.  I loved Socks so much I read the entire book out loud to my cat.  Twenty-three years later, my son was born and my own cat, Prince Beast, was put out by having a baby take over his home.  Our other cat and dog were fascinated by the baby, but Princie refused to look at him and put his ears back when I talked to the baby in the voice I used to use for my cat.  But when my son was nearly a year old, he started to notice the pets.  Our other cat now avoided the baby because he did not like being grabbed, but Princie, who enjoyed roughhousing, was delighted.  Suddenly this baby went from being a rival for attention to a source of attention.  From then on they were best friends.  Princie slept in my son’s room, joined him in playing in his play tent, and supervised him when he played with his friends.  When his baby brother arrived, Princie immediately accepted him into the family.  When my son was in third grade, he read Socks as a reading assignment and I told him about how he and Prince once had a relationship similar to that of Socks and Charles William.  

I read and loved all the Ramona books.  When I would laugh out loud, my little brother would ask me what was so funny and I would just say, “Ramona.”    I was always thrilled when a new book came out.  I was in fifth grade when Ramona and her Mother was published. When I found it on the shelf in the book store, I started reading the first chapter. I got so caught up in reading that I forgot myself until it was 5:00 and the store started turning the lights out.  A few days later I returned to the store with the five dollars I got for my birthday so I could buy the book.  I was disappointed to learn that the book cost seven dollars and I did not have enough money. But the store clerk said I could put it on layaway.  The next week I demanded that my parents give me my allowance (which they often forgot to do.) Then I raced back down to the bookstore and I bought and read my book.  

In middle school, I still loved reading your books, even though my mother pointed out that I was getting too old for them.  So I bought paperback copies of all the Henry Huggins and the Ramona books and read them out loud to my little brother. He loved them just as much as I did.

Ramona and her friends and family became real to my family. We often made references to your books.  When driving, we felt the need to point out “big, hairy men on motorcycles.”  We referred to anyone who took things literally as “a Howie.”   

When I was in eighth grade, my father lost his job.  I went back and read Ramona and her Father as bibliotherapy.  In high school, I was secretly reading children’s books behind my mother’s back.  My mother was worried. But she told me several years later, when I was devoted to my job as a school librarian, that she realized she really had not had anything to worry about. 

 I realized in high school that I wanted to write children’s books, but I also learned that few authors are able to write for a living and most authors have other jobs and write for a hobby.  So I decided to become an elementary school teacher.  At the University I took a class on children’s literature and loved it so much that I decided to get my Master’s Degree in Library Science.    I got my first school library job in 1996.  I made sure that our library had all of your books (with the exception of the young adult books) and also ordered the set of videos from the Ramona TV series.  

In 2000 I found out you had written one more Ramona book.  I drove to the nearest children’s book store and asked for a copy but was disappointed to find out they didn’t have it in yet.  They did order me a copy. As I drive home feeling disappointed at having to wait to read it, I felt a sense of deja vu.  Exactly 20 years earlier,  I had walked home from the book store feeling disappointed that I had to wait to save up money to buy Ramona and her Mother.  Now I was feeling disappointed that I had to wait longer to read Ramona’s World. 

One thing I always wanted to do as a child was travel to Portland so I could see all the places mentioned in your books.  I finally had the opportunity in 2001, just before I turned 32.  During Spring Break I visited a friend in Seattle and one day my husband and I rented a car and drove to Portland.  I found the real Klickitat Street.  It did not look the way I had pictured it when I read the books, although 37th Street did.  I took pictures of your house. We went to Grant Park and took pictures of the Beverly Cleary sculpture garden and my husband took a picture of me with Ramona.  We also drove to Yamhill so I could see the town and farm where you lived as a young child.   When I got home, I put the pictures in an album and showed it to all my students.  One boy told me I was lucky that I got to go there and see those places.  I reminded him that I had to wait a couple decades before I was able to do so.

I did everything I could to encourage my own children to be readers.   But they did not share my love of books, especially the younger one, who struggled with ADHD and Dyslexia.   He was a fan of motorized dirt bikes.  When I told him that your son did not like to read and was interested in motorcycles, he did not believe me at first.  

Sadly, I lost my beloved school library job in 2012, thanks to State budget cuts.   I really missed my job on April 12, 2016, when I would have loved to plan a big event to celebrate your hundredth birthday.  I did go to the public library to see if they had anything planned, but sadly, they did not.

I still want to write children’s books.  I have written several and have been trying for 22 years to find a publisher, but still have had no luck.  But whether I get published or not, I want to thank you for the influence you have had on my life.  Thank you for the books and characters that seemed so real to me that they became my friends.  Thank you for giving me a love for children’s literature that led to my career as a teacher and a librarian, and I am hoping to be able to rekindle that career someday soon.  

Your devoted fan always,

Jennifury Z.

April 12, 2021

[jennifuryz]

And Just as Life Was Getting Back to Normal…

April 4, 2020

Again, I have spent almost another year without writing.    2019 had its ups and downs.   In July we drove down to the vacation house Hubby bought in New Mexico. It is a cute little place.  I like how the backyard is surrounded by a tall fence. Hubby and my younger son drove the van and stayed for three weeks.  I drove my older son and the dogs and we stayed for a week. It was an interesting trip. Hubby and my younger son love the desert but my older son and I prefer the green forests and farmlands of the Midwest.

           BFF1 was supposed to visit the week after I got back. We made all kinds of plans and even scheduled a day to meet up with BFF3 and my High School Best Friend.  But three days before the trip BFF1 called me and told me she had to cancel.   She thought she might have cancer and was waiting to hear the results.    I told BFF3 and HSBF that we needed to cancel. Then I contacted them again to see if we could go ahead and get together anyway.  I felt I could use a distraction.  Well, they both bailed out on me.  I have not seen either of them since.   I am not angry with them (although I probably should be,) I just got tired of setting myself up for disappointments.  

           The good news is BFF1 did not have cancer, but it took almost THREE fucking weeks for her to get the results.   Three weeks is a VERY long time when you are worried and stressed and waiting for news.  It pretty much destroyed the rest of the summer.  

           We did get some good news at the end of August. BFF2 and his wife had a healthy baby boy on my younger son’s birthday.

           Fall was actually pretty good for the most part.  BFF1 was having a difficult time with her job so I was not able to go visit her.  I hate it when I have to go more than a year without seeing her.   The weather was not that great, we had a lot of rain, but we had a few nice days.  My older son is now a senior and my younger son is now a sophomore—and a jock.  He decided to go out for cross country and being involved in sports has really been good for him.  He still slacks off in school, but has been getting into far less trouble.   We did spend a few Saturdays driving to see his cross country meets and I really enjoyed that.  One time his meet was in one of the cities I grew up in.  The city is halfway between where we live and where my parents live so they drove down and met us at the meet.  I also managed to get ahold of a friend of mine who still lives there and we got to meet up. It was the first time we had seen each other in 35 years.  I also drove around town and visited places I remembered.  I took some pictures of the house I lived in.  

           For Halloween we had nine trick or treaters. Last year we hit our record of ten, but eight of them were my sons’ friends that all showed up at once.  This year my sons did not go trick or treating, so the nine that showed up this year we genuine. Maybe word is getting out that we give out bags of assorted candy and full size candy bars.

           My 94 year-old grandmother had been living in an apartment near my parents, but her dementia was getting worse so they moved her into assisted living in my city. The place is only 17 minutes from me so I visited her often.  But then she fell and broke her hip and had to spend two weeks in the hospital and another month in a rehabilitation center. My parents spent most of November staying with us so they could check on her daily.  My brother also got home from working in Antarctica.  He stayed with us for a while, then found an apartment.

           My 2002 Volkswagen finally died.  I knew it was on its last wheels and had been saving up for a new car.  I only had about half the money saved up and had to take out a loan, but I did get a 2018 Honda Fit.  It is cute and has great mileage. It is bright yellow, but I think that is kind of neat. It is easy to find in the parking lot.  It doesn’t have a CD player, which is a real problem, but it has a better radio and I am able to pick up a new alternative station that plays good music.

           I also applied to renew my teaching license in September. It is much easier to get a license now than it used to be.  I am sure that the fact that the state has gone from trying to get rid of teachers to desperately needing teachers plays a part.  I did have to wait two months to get my license.  In the meantime, I took an online class on what is new in children’s literature.  

           I hosted Thanksgiving this year, although not very many of my out-of-town relatives made it. After cross country ended my son decided to go out for wrestling. The day before Thanksgiving he got hurt at practice. His opponent fell on him and broke both bones in his forearm.  He spent the rest of the day in the hospital, had to wear a cast for six weeks, and was not able to go skiing—which he lives for!

           I was determined to have a great Christmas this year.  Christmas of 2017 wasn’t very good because my mother-in-law had just died and Christmas of 2018 was full of disappointments and stressers. So I was determined to make this Christmas great.   I did not get to do all the things I wanted, I never did find a box of decorations that went missing, we did not get any snow and the tree farm where we used to get our tree closed right after Thanksgiving.  But I did get a lot of shopping done, bought a real tree at a stand, decorated the house like crazy and did quite a bit of baking.

           In January I started applying for substitute teaching, but it took several weeks before I got registered for the job website, found three references, collected three letters of recommendation, went to interviews, took the online classes, and got all the medical requirements filled.  I cut back on my caregiver hours and arranged to sub on Wednesdays and Fridays.  I finally got to sub in early March, even though it was only half a day and I subbed for a paraeducator working one on one with students with special needs.  But it really felt natural for me to be working in a school again and I was really excited about finally getting my life back together.

           And then the worst tragedy to hit the world in a century struck.

Corona Virus. COVID-19.  When I first heard about it, I thought it might be a concern, just as SARS, H1N1, and Ebola had been, but I never imagined it would get this serious.  

           I had just started substitute teaching when the schools closed.  Then I feel guilty, as if I jinxed the world by almost getting my life back together. Logically, I know that is impossible. My career plans could not have caused a virus to mutate on the other side of the world.  But my life plans are not important right now.  People all over the world are dying! Life as we know it is getting messed up.  Evil idiots are harassing and attacking people of Asian descent just because the virus first struck a city in China!  

I know it is probably only a matter of time before someone I love gets struck.   BFF1 and one of my cousins have been sick, but do not know if it is Covid.   They did not get too sick and are both doing much better.  They are still staying quarantined for the full 14 days, though.

My older son is not having problems with the isolation.  He now has permission to do what he always does—sit in his room and play video games.  My younger son is not doing so well. He had to cancel his spring break trip to go to New Mexico and going skiing in the mountains.  At first he said the closings and isolations were stupid and overreacting.  He changed his mind when they closed the schools.  But we had a big fight when we told him he could not have friends over. Usually the boys have friends coming and going all the time.  They don’t bother to knock anymore, they just come in.  On weekends it is normal for me to come downstairs and find half a dozen teenage boys sleeping on the floors, chairs and couches.   My younger son is hard to keep track of since he is always wandering off with friends.  But now everyone stays home. My son was just about to start track and field, but that is off (although he still wants me to buy him new track shoes.)

For the first week of isolation, I pretty much slept a lot and watched TV.  I know I should be cleaning the house and doing projects, but cannot motivate myself to do anything.  Some of my clients at my caregiver job cancelled until this is over. I told my supervisors that since I will not be able to do any substitute teaching I am available to fill in for other people.  They asked if I could work every day for a week with someone who just got out of the hospital (not from Corona.)  I said sure. I thought it was just for a week, but now they want to keep me.  I am only working three hours a day, but it is still a long drive and kind of a stressful client.  Then I feel guilty thinking about all the medical workers who are working 13 hour days trying to save the lives of Covid-infected people without enough supplies. My husband is on my case because if I make too much money I could lose my disability pay.   True, I really hoped that this year I would be able to get off disability and be able to work full time and support myself again, but if schools stay closed I don’t know how that will happen.   Then I feel guilty thinking about all the people who are unable to work and don’t get any financial support.

I feel the same way I did eight years ago when I lost my job.  I keep thinking this is all a nightmare and soon I will wake up and things will be back to normal.

April, oh what is the date? Oh, the 18th.  I cannot keep track of dates anymore.

Since I started writing this post, my older son turned 18, I turned 51, and the world is turning for the worse.  I kept on working until last Wednesday, when I woke up feeling extremely tired and achy. I made myself get up and clean the litter boxes and take the garbage out and felt light headed and short of breath. Needless to say I called into work. So far I never developed a fever or a cough and am feeling better than I did a few days ago.  But I am scheduled to stay off work for two weeks and am quarantining myself in the house and keeping a distance from my family.  I have no idea if this is Covid or some other bug or maybe even just stress related.  But I am not taking any chances.  I am even avoiding touching the cats.  I read that cats and ferrets are susceptible to Covid (although we no longer have any ferrets.) So far it looks like dogs are safe, so I am letting the dogs sit on me while I watch television.  

For Easter I did one last Easter Egg treasure hunt for my sons.  This time I had a theme based on The Office. Then we made a big “Happy Easter” sign and drove over to where my grandmother lives so she could see it out of her window.  Her building has been closed to visitors since early March, but someone in the building still got Covid, so now the residents are not allowed to leave their rooms.  When my grandmother was about five or six, the UK had a Scarlet Fever epidemic that killed a lot of children. My grandmother got sick and had to be quarantined in the hospital for six weeks.  She had to sleep in a crib and they shaved everyone’s head and they were not allowed any visitors.  Her parents would go to the hospital and wave to her from outside through the window.  Now, some 88-89 years later, the same thing is happening again. 

Oh, BFF1 and my cousin are both better. But my husband’s cousin in New York City is sick, and it is Corona.  He experienced the loss of sense of smell.  

[jennifuryz]

Catching Up

  May 17, 2019

Well I have not added anything for a year and a half   I did finish writing another manuscript though, and I have been doing a lot of drawing and painting.

But to catch up:  I turned 50 last month.  I am feeling better than I have in a long time.  I even contacted the Department of Public Instruction to see about renewing my teaching license.  I may start by substitute teaching to see if I am really emotionally stable enough to work in a classroom.

Two of my three archenemies are now unemployed.   One of the administrators who ruined my life is no longer with the school district.  I am not sure what happened.  I heard she retired, but she seemed young for that. I thought she was younger than I am, or at least she has a kid younger than my kids.  But she is out and I hope she is working at some really disgusting job like prewashing diapers for a diaper service.  But she is more likely working for Betsy DeVos.  

Then last November the evil Governor got voted out.  It was one of the happiest days of my life.

Both of my sons are now in high school.  Unfortunately, neither of them are getting very good grades or participating in extracurricular activities.  But at least they are staying out of trouble.  My younger son has been working two jobs.  

Sadly, my mother-in-law passed away last year.  We now have her little dog, Sukey.  She and Kirby actually get along really well. I thought Sukey was a mix of poodle, Chinese Crested, and Chihuahua.   But I had her DNA tested and it turns out she is poodle, Bichon Frise, Shih Tzu, and Pekingese with traces of Maltese, Lhasa Apso, Havanese and terrier.

The last of our ferrets died.  She was sick for a while and I spent over $1000 on vet bills treating her.    I decided not to get any more ferrets for the time being since the two dogs keep me very busy.  Our three cats are doing fine.  

I saw BFF1 last October. I recently got into watching The Office, so we took a road trip to Scranton, Pennsylvania.    BFF2 got married last December and they are expecting their first baby in August.  I did see BFF3 a few weeks ago.  Our other friend from high school moved back to the area and I have seen a lot of her. She is between jobs so she has free time and even took a road trip with me to Chicago to see Muse in concert.

Hubby is doing fine. He is tired of the climate in the Midwest and bought a vacation house in New Mexico.  

The state of the world still scares me.  I know I should be getting involved in social justice activities, but I still spend too much time trying to avoid reality.

[jennifuryz]

Friendship Trip

Well, after I took a vacation with my family, I needed a vacation FROM my family.  So I arranged to visit BFF1.  I flew out to see her in early October and it was wonderful.  It was the first time in a long time when I really felt happy.   I wrote about it the day I came home, but never got around to posting it. So I am finally posting it now. 

Finally got to see BFF1 for the first time in three years and it was wonderful! I admit I was a little nervous on the way there. It was the first time seeing her since the the lost months. I was worried that seeing her might be awkward or we might not know what to say to each other.  But it wasn't at all.

When I got to the airport she was holding up a sign that said "Welcome back from rehab, Jenn. 3rd time is a charm." I laughed so hard I had to hold myself up against the wall. It was so good to hug her for the first time in 3 years. When we got to the car I hugged her again and then I started crying. I told her that a year ago I did not think I was ever going to see her again. But before long she had me laughing again.

A few weeks ago she let me know that she had to move this weekend and asked me if I wanted to switch to seeing her another time. I told her I had already booked my flight, found a time when Hubby was not traveling, and had arranged time off work. Besides, I did not mind helping her move.

She had been living in an apartment upstairs of a building that had been used to manufacture bullets during the Civil War. I got to see the place and it was amazing. It was right next to a river and a bridge and lots of very old stone buildings. I guess it is also haunted. I did not see or hear anything unusual, except that the building was very cold inside even though it was hot outside. BFF1 had been living there with her best friend from high school, but her friend turned out to be a horrible roommate. She stopped paying her share of the rent and bills and never cleaned up and even stole from her. All this time I have been picturing BFF1's other best friend as this perfect person, but it turns out she is not that way at all.

BFF1's new place is in the same apartment complex she lived in before and the apartment looks exactly like the old one. The first time I visited 7 years ago she had just moved in, so i felt a lot of deja vu. The first two nights we slept on the floor in the living room. BFF1 apologized for the living arrangements but I thought it was fun, kind of like a slumber party.

The first night we talked quite a bit and got caught up on a lot. When we got to the subject of when she ghosted me, she started crying and apologizing over and over and telling me how she had been so sick both physically and mentally that she really believed she was protecting me by cutting me out of her life. I hugged her and reminded her that, unlike so many other friends I have had, she came back. For a while we just clung to each other, crying. It was really helpful to have that closure on the dark times.  I later told her I felt like I really should have known she would never have done that to me unless something was seriously wrong, but she told me I had every reason to feel the way I did.

I did get to see her children as well. I'm glad to know her kids have not outgrown me. Her daughter is now 20 and lives with her. Her son is now 16 and decided to stay with his father because BFF's old place was too far from his school. Now that they live close together again they hope to see each other more often. In spite of how challenging he had been when he was younger, he is now working really hard in school, is in the school band and in track and cross country, and is the drummer for a band and is really good. He has always given me hope for my younger son, and he still does. He did stop over for a while because he wanted to see me.

On Sunday we went to the old place and I helped her pack. On the way we listened to Green Day and sang along in the car, just like we have so many times in the past. On Monday the movers came to move the big things. I guess they had a weird experience. They heard a woman's voice say she was on her way up, but when they looked no one was there. They also heard a voice saying, "He doesn't want to play with me." They got a bit freaked out.

On Tuesday BFF1 had to work for a few hours (she is currently a caretaker just like me) so I went with her. I had a chance to do some artwork. After that I used the Chili's gift card I won at work to take her to dinner. That night we talked more. She thanked me again for my forgiveness and I thanked her for coming back.

I hated to say goodbye this morning. BFF1 cried when she dropped me off at the airport and I got choked up. But she promised to come visit me next spring.

[jennifuryz]

Congress Ave Bridge and Bracken Cave

[jennifuryz]

Finally writing about summer vacation to see the bats

I wrote this  almost four months ago and never got around to adding it to my blog. Well, here it finally is.

For our 20th anniversary, The Hubby took me to Austin to see the bats. Actually, he decided to make a family vacation out of it and we took the boys and the RV.  We did not take the pets.  The dogs went to a boarding kennel (Sukey is living with us again) we boarded the ferret at the vet, and one of my older son’s friends took care of the cats and the newt. It was an interesting trip. Hubby and the boys were often cranky, but seeing the bats was amazing.   First we saw the Ann Richards Congress Avenue Bridge, which is home to over one million Mexican free-tailed bats.  Then I got to go to Bracken Cave.  Bracken Cave is not open to the public, but since I am a member of Bat Conservation International, I was able to sign up to see it with my family.  Bracken Cave is home to the largest colony of bats in the world.  About 15 million Mexican free-tailed bats live here, and they are all mothers and babies.  

So here is the journal I kept during my trip:

 OK today is Saturday, July 15, 2017 and I am waiting at the auto repair shop after dropping off my car. They are going to check it out and fix my driver side window while we are on vacation.  Hubby and the boys should be picking me up in the RV any minute now. I wonder what's taking them so long. I can't find the place to drop off the keys.  

Later: Ok, Hubby picked me up and showed me where to leave the keys and we are heading back home because he forgot his headphones. 

8:39 am. Here I am travelling in an RV with a bunch of sarcastic ass-sticks.  They were all hangry. Stopped at McDonalds. I was not hungry, just thirsty, so I ordered a fruit and yogurt and a Hi-C.  They gave me an empty cup, I went to the drink machine, no Hi-C. Then the boys told me McD’s no longer serves Hi-C. I had to get a blue Powerade.  Then the boys got pissed because they shorted us a hashbrown. The boys are refusing to use seat belts in the back and Hubby told them they don't have to. 

11:47 am   Well I fell asleep and Hubby missed the split of I90 and I39 and was halfway to Chicago when I woke up. He said it was my fault because I told him to stay on I39 until we got to I55. I told him that was what we were supposed to do.  He told the boys that I got them lost. I told him we just needed to find the quickest route back to I39.  He said, “You mean we are not on I39?”  I said, no, we are on I90.  He said he guessed it was not me who got us off course after all. Hubby found a way to get directly onto I55, so we took that.  I made a sandwich when Hubby stopped for gas. 

July 15, 2017  6:49 PM An RV park somewhere in Missouri.

This totally sucks!  Just left on our vacation this morning, and my phone died.   Not sure where I can get WiFi.  Otherwise not sure how I will look up information and send messages.  

 Sunday, July 16, 2017 7:22 am Rolla, Missouri

Hubby said we could stop at a Best Buy to try to either fix my phone or get me a new one.  Last night we went swimming in the Campground pool and went to bed by 9:00. I got up around 6 and went for a walk. They have a pretty pond here. Luckily I brought two other cameras. After that I took a shower at the campground showers so I don’t have to take the scooters out of the RV shower.  Now Hubby is taking a shower and the boys are still sleeping.  

At 8:00 the office opens. I am going to bring my computer there where I can get WIFi and explain to everyone why I stopped communicating.

10:31 am  About 50 miles north of Springfield, MO.

Well, my older son managed to resurrect my phone. Right now it is charging.  My last phone used to do this when I used the camera.  I guess I will avoid using the camera until we get home.  

The boys are yelling at each other.

 Monday, July 17, 2017   7:10 am   A Hampton Inn in Sherman, Texas.  

So far my phone is working.   Yesterday we left before 8:00 am.  We drove to Springfield, Missouri and stopped to let the boys go to one of the best skateparks in the country.  Unfortunately, it was geared for much more advanced abilities than my boys are able to get in our community, where the only thing less common than skateparks is skateparks that allow scooters.  This place also allows BMX bikes, but my younger son did not bring his because we would have had to carry it on the outside of the RV. My younger son was afraid it might get stolen, or worse, rained on.  Plus it was 92 degrees out, so we only stayed about 45 minutes.

           We drove through Oklahoma.  The Interstates were not bad, especially the parts over old Route 66. But when we turned off to a Highway 69, the road was even bumpier than the roads in my own state.   I slept in the back for a while and bounced quite a bit, but still managed to fall asleep.  I did manage to live out my childhood dream of riding in the bed above the cab.  It was pretty cool, but my neck got tired from lying on my stomach and looking out the window.  

           Twice the boys talked us into stopping at Walmarts, just so they could go in and record themselves being obnoxious.   I remember my friends and I acting silly in public when we were teenagers, but we were not THAT bad.   They told me it is because Walmart is not an ethical store and they don’t treat their employees well.  I pointed out that by going in there and causing trouble, THEY were not treating the employees well.  

           On Saturday I drove for a couple hours.  Yesterday I drove for about 3 hours.  My shoulders and neck got sore.  Maybe it was from keeping the big RV steady.  Hubby does not seem to have as much trouble, but he has longer arms than I do.

           We stopped at a hotel last night because Hubby wanted to take a shower. We have not tried using the RV shower yet (mainly because we would have to move the cooler and scooters) and the showers at the campground were not so good. The boys were upset to find out that the pool at this hotel is under construction.   I fell asleep right away last night. Now it is morning and I am the only one awake.  We are about five hours from Austin.  

5:19 pm Oak Forest Campground outside of Austin.  

Well, we made it.  Settled in and went swimming in the tiny pool.  The pools down here are too warm, but still refreshing.  Now we are on our way to meet someone Hubby used to work with to go to dinner.  My older son has been complaining a lot about how bored he is and did not want to go on this trip.  He is really acting like a 15 year-old boy.

           Last night I saw several Great-tailed grackles.  I saw lots of them when we were in Costa Rica.  Hubby saw a lizard, and I just saw a fox squirrel.   In Oklahoma I saw a dead armadillo by the road.  

 Tuesday, July 18, 2017  8:23 am.

Last night we went out to dinner with someone Hubby used to work with. I saw a white-winged dove. The boys went to another Walmart to record themselves acting obnoxious.   This morning I woke up before anyone else and took a load of towels to the laundry building.  I ate breakfast outside and saw a mockingbird.  

Later: We checked into a hotel in downtown Austin, right next to Congress Avenue Bridge. I can see the bridge and the Statue of “Nightwing” from my window.   I found a spot in the park by the bridge early and did some drawings. When I walked under the bridge I could hear the squeaking of the bats.   Hubby and the boys joined me at around 7:30. At about 8:15 the first of the bats started to emerge; just a few at first, then more and more.  Most of them came out over the river and not where I was sitting, but I still saw lots.  After the first wave, Hubby and the boys went back to the hotel, but I stayed until way after dark.  When the crowd started to disperse, I went and watched from up on the bridge.  The bats were closer there.  I stayed until it was too dark to see anymore.  

 Thursday, July 20th.

           Wednesday was our 20th wedding anniversary.  In the morning, Hubby took the boys to a skate park and I walked through downtown Austin, did a little shopping, and went to the Capitol building.  It was in the upper 90’s and I was pretty hot.  We went out to dinner at a nice restaurant near the hotel, then we walked to the South Congress (SoCo) area.  Most of the shops were closed, but it was neat to see SoCo at night and hear the music from the clubs.  We got some ice cream.  

Meanwhile, the generator went out in the RV.  Hubby called a bunch of places before he finally found a place to fix it.  He took it in on Thursday morning.   I went back to SoCo and looked at some shops, but could not find anything I wanted that was affordable.  But the shops were neat.  It hit 102 degrees that day and the walk back to the hotel was challenging.  

Before we left on this trip, I gave Hubby a list of campgrounds near Bracken Cave, which is between Austin and San Antonio.  Somehow he ended up reserving a campground north of Austin, an hour and a half from Bracken Cave.  Then he decided we should stop and eat on the way from the campground to the cave.  I was really worried that we would not make it in time because the email told me that they close the gate at 6:45.  Then the electrical box from the generator started acting up and making sizzling, sparking noises.  I am not sure what I was more worried about, missing Bracken Cave or the RV combusting. But we made it at 6:40.  

Bracken Cave was one of the most fascinating experiences of my life!  When we got there we got to go on a tour near the cave and learned about the history of the cave.    The cave entrance was smaller than I expected.  Even though it was early, bats were already flying around the entrance of the cave.  I started drawing a picture of the cave, but then a few bats started to emerge. Suddenly a whole wave of bats came pouring out of the cave, circling in an upward spiral high up into the sky and flying off into the distance in a glittering cloud of bats.  It was amazing!  More and more bats followed.  Sometimes the “batnado” was very thick, then for a while the emergence would thin out, then another huge cluster would follow.  Sometimes the wind would blow in our direction and the bats would be just over our heads.   Some bats stayed in a close cluster while others would fly off in other directions on their own.  Once in a while several bats would return from the sky and drop back down into the batnado.  A few bats, probably the young bats learning to fly, landed on the ground and had trouble getting back up.  But the vortex of bats helped them to get off the ground and join the other bats.  We saw one bat clinging to a tree.  I took a few picture of her, but could not get the picture to focus.  

           The guide informed us that there were a few albino bats in the colony.  My older son saw three of them, but I only saw one. It was still pretty neat, though.  We also saw a skunk come out of the cave, but it was just an ordinary striped skunk. I had been hoping to see a hog nosed skunk or spotted skunk.

           I would have stayed much longer, but Hubby and the boys were getting bored and we had a long drive back to the campground.    As we were leaving we could still see a ribbon of bats weaving through the sky.

             Friday, July 21. Hubby woke me up early and we left before 7:30. The nice thing about travelling in an RV is we did not have to wake up the boys. We just drove off with the boys still sleeping in the back.  

           After several hours Hubby and I switched driving.  We were driving though the edge of a town in Oklahoma.  Now, the RV is hard to steer and often weaves around. We have a back up camera and I used that to make sure I was within the lane.  Turns out the back up cam leans to the left a bit.  Well, I don’t know if it was a gust of sudden wind (Common while driving through Oklahoma) or what, but the RV started swerving and I tried to straighten it out, but ended up hitting the curb and blowing out a back tire.  I quickly pulled into the nearest parking lot. Hubby was irate.  He did not believe me when I told him the RV suddenly started swerving and yelled at me for being too close to the curb.   While he was looking up AAA I realized that we were in the parking lot of a tire store.  I pointed this out to Hubby. So he went in only to find out that the worker just quit.  Luckily there was another tire store just a few blocks away and since we have double tires we were able to drive there.  The mechanic at that shop told us that the highway running through this part of the city is very narrow and large vehicles hit the curb all the time.  He pointed out places where the curb was worn out from being hit so many times.  Anyway, he had the tire fixed in less than an hour.  While we were waiting the boys actually put their phones away and we all conversed with each other. We told stories of vacation disasters of the past.  Then the tire was fixed and we were on our way again.

7:45 pm. Arrived at hotel in Springfield MO. 

Later: We checked into the hotel and went out to eat at a BBQ restaurant-very good! Then we went back to the hotel and went swimming.  This was the first pool I have been in on this trip where the water was not too warm.

 Saturday, July 22  10:57 am.  On our way home driving through Missouri.  

           We left this morning around 9:30.  With luck, we may make it home by tonight.    

           My older son has spent at least half of this trip complaining or getting mad about something.  I suppose that is normal for a 15 year-old boy.  

 Sunday, July 23. We made it back on Saturday night. On Sunday I was able to take my older son and one of his friends to the County fair.   My son talked me into going on this ride called The Fireball. A woman sitting next to me told me it was her favorite ride.  It WAS fun. I went on it a second time and my son went on it three or four times.   Then I left the boys to themselves for a while and I went to look at the exhibits.  When I met the boys later, my son asked me if I had his phone.   I did not have his phone and he realized it must have fallen out of his pocket while he was on one of the rides.  He did not expect to find it, but I decided to look under the rides. I saw something green next to the Fireball, and sure enough it was my son’s phone. It had landed on a pile of cables so even though it was bent slightly out of shape, it still worked.  He has been having trouble with the microphone, but it is amazing that we found it and it is still working.

           Before we left the fair we bought lemonade and mini donuts.   I got home in time to go pick up the dogs from the kennel.

 On Thursday, July 27, we found out that at the Ohio State fair, The Fireball broke, killing one person and injuring seven others.   We were pretty shocked and horrified.  

[jennifuryz]

The Death of a Building

June 10, 2017

    Another thing to add to my very short hate list: I hate it when buildings get torn down.   It is just so sad to see something that was part of the lives of so many people torn apart and then gone.  It is worse when they are beautiful old buildings.  But it is hardest of all when it was a building that was a part of your own life. It almost feels like someone died.

I still have recurring dreams of going back to the school I went to in 6th grade and finding that part of it is still standing.  Then I go inside and look around but it does not look the way I remember it. I was still living in that city when they tore it down and when I visited it years later I saw the new buildings that are in its place.  Yet I have been having these dreams for years.

That school was built in the 1920’s and I guess was not well constructed because things started wearing out when it was 50 years old.  It was a neat looking building though.  On the outside it just looked like a big, rectangular, dark red brick building. But the inside was really nice.  The rooms had hardwood flooring, big windows, woodwork around the doors and blackboards, fancy ceiling tiles, clocks with Roman numerals in wooden frames, big wide staircases, and a gym that looked all the way up to the windowed roof of the 3rd floor.  I remember a hallway that seemed like a tunnel going from the locker room to the gym. The school had a swimming pool way underground beneath the lowest floor of the building.  

Sixth grade was a very influential year for me.  It was a difficult year, but I feel that 6th grade was the year I did the most growing up. I started the year in pigtails and ended the year with a perm.  

At the end of that year, the city closed the school down.  They put 6th graders back into the elementary schools and sent all the 7th and 8th graders to one middle school.   I was a freshman in high school when they tore the old school down.  I walked past it many times as it was being demolished.  I looked up and saw the inside of classrooms that I remembered so well, and memories would come flooding back.  As they got closer to the center of the school, I could see the room where we had health classes.  Someone once wrote something mean about me on the wall of that room.  I actually did not mind seeing that room destroyed, knowing that the writing on the wall was being demolished.  

One time I ducked under the caution tape and grabbed half of a brick from the outside wall to keep as a memento.  I still have it.

When the last of the building was torn down you could look down and see the swimming pool.  I cannot remember if they ripped that out of the ground or just filled it all in.  

  And now another school is being torn down.  It is the school I worked at for 11 of my 16 years as a librarian.  

The oldest part of the school was built in the 1950’s and they added on over the years.  It wasn’t a fancy old building like the school I went to in 6th grade.  It was a pretty ordinary one-story building.  It was remodeled many times.  But it was a nice enough building with big windows.  However, the village is growing and the school was getting too small. They decided it would be easier to just build a new school than to keep updating and adding on to the old school.  So they built the new school right next to the old one, over one of the parking lots and part of the playground.  They moved into it in early May. But the new school still does not have a library or a gym because they are building those on the site of the old school and have to tear it down first.

I am surprised that the principal is allowing them to build a new library.  ( She is one of my three archenemies. )  

I saw some pictures of the school on the district website. They showed my old library.  The shelves were all there, but the books were gone. I wonder if they packed them and put them somewhere or if the principal had a huge bonfire.  

A week ago I drove past the school.  They only part of the building they had torn down so far was the middle part--including the library.  I am sure the principal wanted that destroyed first.  She probably took a sledgehammer and started the destruction herself-starting with the mural of book characters.

[jennifuryz]

Update on the puppy

April 14, 2017  So this is the first time I am writing this year.  Actually, I started writing an entry a month ago but never got around to posting it.  

So, about the new dog….

Ok, I do feel kind of guilty that we did not adopt a rescue dog.  In fact, I guess I sort of got her from what would technically be a backyard breeder.  But they are my neighbors and they did have the parents tested for genetic health issues before breeding and they did give the puppies all the veterinary care they needed and they did have the father neutered after breeding him.   The parents are indoor dogs and the puppies were whelped and socialized indoors so it is not like I bought her from someone who bred pups in their backyard doghouse just to make money.   They are selectively bred sound dogs that would make good pets.

Anyway, here is how the story goes…

So I have been volunteering at the Humane Society for over 4 years.  Every week I would check the dogs to see it they had one that would be a good match for my family.  I also fostered some dogs from two different rescue groups and checked web sites like Adoptapet and Petfinders regularly.

 I really wanted an Irish Setter mix.  My first dog was half Irish setter and I love the look and personality of Irish setters. But I did not want a purebred because I don’t want to deal with the issues I had with my last purebred dog. However,  Irish setters are not very common here and now.   After a year or two, I accepted that I was not going to find a setter mix and decided to just look for a medium-sized mixed breed that met our family needs. But we really do not have many homeless dogs around here. Many of the dogs at the shelter get sent in from other parts of the country.

So, last October I was at the Humane Society and saw a dog that looked perfect.  She was a 35 pound mix who looked like she might be a combination of sheltie, corgi, and some kind or retriever.  My older son was volunteering at an event that night and I told him about this dog.  

           But my son, who loves tiny dogs, discovered another dog, a male miniature pinscher.  He put a hold on him instead.  So the next day we made an appointment to go see him, but he was not right for our family and when I asked about the dog I wanted, they told me she had been adopted already.  So, I went home feeling really bummed out. I felt like I was never going to get another dog and that one right for our family did not exist.

           A few hours later, I happened to look out the bathroom window and saw an Irish setter running around loose.

So I went out and tried to help the owner catch her. It turned out the owners live just around the block from us.  Their daughters were students of mine eons ago and we had actually met these neighbors about five years earlier after my younger son threw a rock through their garage window.    It turned out the dog was half Irish setter and half golden retriever.  I asked where they got her and that I had been wanting an Irish setter mix for years.  They informed me that they currently had 11 puppies.

So I guess it was meant to be.  My grandmother told me it sounded like God had planned it out for me.  

So, the mom is half Irish setter and half what I assume is field bred golden because she looks like a pure setter.  The father is an English cream golden retriever who comes from show lines. They also told me English creams tend to have a lower cancer rate than other goldens. I think their last golden retriever died of cancer (I know cancer is very common in goldens) so I am guessing they got two dogs whom they hoped would live longer, healthier lives.  

Anyway, we went over to meet the puppies and as soon as I texted my older son a picture he said he would be fine with a bigger dog.  

Also, I never had a puppy before. All of my dogs had been at least 6 months or older when I got them.   I decided that if I was ever going to have a puppy, now was the time, since I was only working part time.

I wanted a female and they had four females available. One was red, but she was not only one of the larger pups, but she had already figured out how to escape her enclosure.  I did not want a dog that was too smart.  The two smallest and calmest female pups were pale golden blonde.   We could not decide between them, but someone else wanted the smallest, so we got the second smallest.  I did not bring her home until she was 10 weeks old because I wanted to make sure she learned bite inhibition from her mom and siblings.    I did pay $600 for her, which is a lot, but she had all of her vet care and declaws removed and was wormed.  Actually, adopting a dog from the Humane Society is over $300 (although that includes spaying and neutering) and most rescues charge about a $400 adoption fee and purebred dogs run about $1000 these days.  So the kids did not get a lot for Christmas this year, but they got a dog.

The family had no problem finding homes for 11 puppies. In fact, people continued to call and ask if they had more.  I guess in some ways things are better than they used to be.  

Another weird thing: a year or two ago I had a dream that I had a dog that looked just like our puppy does now.  In the dream her name was Tailey.  I wanted to call her that, but the boys did not like it.  My older son wanted to call her Lily or Luna, but I used to have a cat named Lily and Luna is a really common pet name right now.  I came up with a list of about 40 ideas, but no one liked them. I like old-fashioned pet names and really unusual, creative names.  My son finally suggested Kirby, after a video game character.  I found it cute, so I agreed.  I know technically Kirby is a boy name, but nowadays half of the most popular girl names used to be boy names.  

[jennifuryz]

A Happy Ending to a Horrible Year

December 31, 2016

Well, the nightmare known as 2016 is finally coming to an end.  It was terrible for me personally as well as terrible for the world.  I am still scared shitless of the future.   This time next year we might be in the same state that Syria is in now.   In addition my husband has been cranky and Angel Blue, my ferret, died in November. I have been having problems with my car.

But even though the future looks as grim as can be, a few positive things have happened to me.  

           Green Day’s new album came out in October and it is INCREDIBLE!  

           We also finally have a dog.  I will write a post about her soon.

           We had a white Christmas, even though all the snow is melting now.

           But the best news by far is that BFF1 and I are friends again.

On Christmas Day, she sent me a Facebook messenger request.  It turns out she has been very sick this year. She had Sepsis twice, spent multiple weeks in the hospital, and almost died three times.  A lot of other terrible things happened while she was sick and she got into this mindset that she had to disconnect from the people she cared about in order to protect them.  After we started communicating again, she did let me know that my excessive neediness did add to her stress in the beginning, so I guess I was right about that.  She is now stabilizing physically and mentally and thinking clearly now and cannot believe the things she thought and did while she was sick.  She has apologized many times and said she would not blame me if I hated her and did not want her back in my life.   But just the fact that she came back means the world to me. BFF1 is not like Dana or the others. BFF1 returned and apologized. I have my dear friend back.

           Even though I gained 23 pounds this year, my heart now feels 25 pounds lighter.  I am still scared of the worldly horrors that are probably ahead.  But at least I do not have to face them alone.

[jennifuryz]

November 8, 2016

I have never been this scared before an election.  I actually woke up shaking. 

[jennifuryz]

September 17, 2016

Still missing BFF1.  I wonder if I should call her something else since she is no longer my BFF.

I don’t understand my mourning.  I seem to be going through the regular stages of grief, then cycling through them over and over.  For a while I feel better and think I am getting through this.  Then suddenly the shock hits me all over again.  I feel angry and depressed all over.  Sometimes it happens for no reason. Other times something triggers it.

A few days ago I decided to clean my closet.  I had been feeling better for a while.  But then I found something in an old shoebox. It was a ticket stub from a museum BFF1 and I both visited on the day we first met in person.  As I held that ticket in my hand and recalled the memories I started crying.  I threw the ticket stub away.

If that wasn’t enough, later that day I was looking through a bin of old clothes and found a little teddy bear Dana had given me.

Most people have skeletons in their closets. I have ghosts in mine.

[jennifuryz]

Friend End Part 2

September 10, 2016

I still miss BFF1.  As I mentioned last time, I have been doing a lot of research on friendship, particularly the unexpected endings.

I have been looking over the friendships I have had in my life.  I have had friends like BFF2 and BFF3 who have remained my true friends for decades and we rarely, if ever, have conflicts.  I have had friendships that I thought were over but end up rekindling, sometimes more than once.   Most of the friendships I have had through life ended up fizzling out.  I never noticed we were drifting apart until one day I would think of them and wonder whatever happened to them.

Then I have had friendships that I really tried to keep going, but the other party did not.  Many of these were casual friends, but some of these were people I was really close to.

But after doing research I looked back over lost friendships going all the way back to 8th grade.  I realized they all followed the same pattern.

1. I meet them at a time of my life when I am satisfied with the friends I have and consider myself fairly independent. But then I meet some amazing, admirable person.  Usually they are outgoing and courageous and funny and impossible to not like.

2. I am amazed and honored when they want to be friends with me. I cannot believe such a cool person would actually like me.  I find out we actually have similar interests and a lot in common. We have so much fun together.

3.  I am surprised to discover that this cool person who seems so confident is actually very sensitive.

4. They run into a problem and end up disconnected from most or all of their friends.  They are grateful that I stay friends with them.

5. Over the next several months, or years, we become very close. I help them with their problems and they help me with mine.  

6. They know just what to say to me to make me feel all safe and warm and cozy.  They tell me how they love me and will always be there for me and that we will be friends forever. They tell me that the bad things other people say about me are not true.  They give me the best hugs.

           Looking back now, I realize the warm, fuzzy, happy feeling I get from them starts to get addictive and I do not realize it has been corroding my independence.

7. But eventually, they start to connect with other friends. They do not need me anymore.  

           But I still need them.

8. They start getting impatient with me and get short tempered when I need their help.

9. I have no idea why they are avoiding me and getting angry. I assume I must have done something wrong.  I start apologizing for every little thing I have done that might have upset them.  But my apologizing just makes them more irritated.  

10. I refuse to believe that my best friend who promised to always be there for me does not like me anymore and do everything I can to win them back.  But that only drives them further away.  

When I finally accept that the friendship is over, I swear that I am never going through this again. I am going to be independent and I will never let myself get close to anyone after this.  But after several years, I meet someone else and convince myself that THIS friend is different. THIS one can be trusted.

           And it starts all over again.

Distance also plays a role.  People say “Out of sight means out of mind.” But I never developed this talent.  I have never forgotten anyone I ever loved.   But we moved a lot when I was growing up and I learned that most people are not good at keeping in touch by mail.  Some friends have told me that they really appreciate how I persistently kept writing and tracked them down.   Nowadays technology and social media have made it easier to keep in touch.  But social media also provides new ways of getting hurt.

When I was 13 I met “Roberta” at summer camp. We were surprised at how much we bonded in a week.   We lived in different states, but after camp we wrote to each other every 2-4 weeks.   Then in January her letters stopped.  I continued to write to her, but she never wrote back.  She did not return to camp the next summer.  

           Two years after I got her last letter, I sent her a Christmas card with my new address.  This time Roberta wrote back. It turned out that the reason she stopped writing was because she got into drugs.   She told me her parents found out and put her in Rehab and she was totally straight now and asked me to continue to urge her to keep writing.

           But after that letter I never heard from her again.  I still wonder whatever happened to her. Did she get back into drugs?

           In February of 8th grade, I met “Shelby.”  I went to a large middle school and did not have any classes with Shelby, so I didn’t know her until some friends of mine introduced her to me at a school dance.  Shelby was so different from me: outgoing and outspoken and exciting.  She wore strange clothes, but did not care if people taunted her about them.  She would say, “If you don’t like my clothes, don’t look at them.”  But as we got to be better friends, I found out she had a sensitive side.  

Shelby’s biggest issue was that she was a flirt.   She was very pretty and boys flocked around her.   But her flirting often got her into trouble.

           I had been friends with “K” since second grade.  K was very sweet and quiet, and she ended up with a really cute boyfriend.   Well, after they had been together for a few weeks, word got out that Shelby had been making out with K’s boyfriend.  Everyone was really mad at her.  It was the first time I ever saw K lose her temper and swear.   Shelby’s friends were disgusted with her and dropped her. Shelby told me that K’s boyfriend made the first move on her and she assumed he and K had broken up.  I believed Shelby and stayed friends with her even when no one else did.  As a result, several of my friends stopped being friends with me.

           Not K, though.  She stayed my friend. In fact, she is still my friend.

           Shelby really appreciated my friendship and how I stood by her when no one else did. But other people told me Shelby was not my friend; Shelby did not have friends. She just used people. They told me she was using me, just like she used everyone else.  I did not want to tell Shelby what people were saying, but she saw that something was wrong and got me to tell her.  When I did, she sighed and asked how long it would take for my other friends to take me away from her. I promised her I would not let that happen.  She hugged me and told me she loved me and that she would always be there for me. I told her she was the best friend I ever had. She gave me this advice, which I will always remember: “Be yourself. If someone else does not like it, that is their problem, not yours.”

Shelby and I had fun together. She introduced me to my first boyfriend.  But eventually, people forgot about being mad at her and she started to make other friends. At this point, she started to seem a bit distant.  One time when I really needed her help, Shelby, this same person who promised to always be there for me, told me to stop feeling sorry for myself.

Over time, I learned to realize that when someone says “You are feeling sorry for yourself” what they actually mean is “I no longer care about you, and your problems are getting annoying.”

I refused to believe that the best friend I ever had no longer liked me.  I apologized for being a bitch, and she snapped at me that I was not being a bitch.

About this time, the school year ended.  We went to different high schools.  I still called Shelby once in a while, but she never called me.  Then she started getting into trouble at home and her mother did not allow anyone to call or visit her.   I only saw her a few times that year.   Then in May I called and asked if I could stop over and she said sure. When I got there, she was not home. Her brother told me “She had to go someplace.”  At that point I decided I had enough of her. This lasted about 3 months. Just before I moved to another city, I called her one last time. After I moved, I sent her a few letters, but she never wrote back.  

For years I wondered about Shelby. I wondered why she stopped being my friend and if all the things people said about her just using people were true. Yet, she had always seemed so sincere.   When I was in college, I read Moliere’s Tartuffe in one of my literature classes.  It is a play about a hypocrite named Tartuffe who pretends to be an honest, holy man who suffers for others.  Everyone can see right through him except for his friend, Orgon.  Orgon thinks Tartuffe is intelligent and pious, feels sorry for him, and allows him to live in his home.  Eventually, Tartuffe takes advantage of Orgon and betrays him.  But since the play is a comedy, Tartuffe gets his comeuppance at the end.

After reading the story, I looked back and thought about Shelby.  Was I really the only person who saw the good in her and believed her? Or were all the people who said Shelby just used people able to see her for what she really was and I, like Orgon, was the only fool who could not see the truth?

I guess I will never know. However, my experience did not stop me from falling into the same situation with other friends.

 Skip ahead to about 21 years ago.  I met both “Dana” and “Christine” in 1995.  I met Dana when we were both teaching on an Indian Reservation about 700 miles from my home. I met Christine when I was home during winter break.  My husband (then fiancé) introduced me to her.

My friendship with Dana sort of fell into two parts. The first was the year we worked on the Rez and lived across the street from each other.  The second was the six years afterwards, when we lived in different states.

Lots of the other teachers were young and seemed, well, uncultured. Dana seemed like the most open-minded and intelligent staff member, and we got to be friends. Unlike most of the other friends I lost without knowing why, Dana was not an outgoing people-person.  She was more of an introvert.  While I had several friends back home, (including BFF2 and BFF3) Dana only had two friends she kept in touch with.  She told me right from the beginning that she was not a very good friend.  But she seemed really nice to me. As we got to know each other, we realized how much we had in common.  We shared interests that most of my friends back home did not share with me.   Dana had a great sense of humor and we always had fun when we got together.

That year was extremely difficult for most of the staff.  The students hated us, their parents resented us, the building was falling apart, we had no budget for supplies, and the administration was a nightmare.  80 percent of the staff resigned at the end of the year.  I don’t know how I would have made it without Dana.  We helped each other out during the worst times. My hubby said our friendship sounded like the kind of close bond people in the military form. I referred to Dana as my War Buddy. We got to be really close, even though Dana told me she rarely formed close friendships with people.  She told me I was her best friend and how much she loved me and that we would always be friends.

But in the spring she started to get distant. She no longer wanted to walk the dogs with me or come over as often.  I was so used to having Dana be my silver lining that I felt lost when she was not around.  She told me she “needed more space.”   While I realized that she was more solitary than I was and needed more alone time while I needed more companionship, I still felt rejected. I assumed I must have done something to make her not want to be around me.  But when I tried to apologize, it just made her angry.  In May things got much worse. The more I needed her, the more distant she became.  When she was upset about something, instead of coming to me for support, she told me she wanted to be alone.  I worried myself sick about her and felt so helpless because there was nothing I could do to help her.  I felt so lonely.  

           It turned out that during a lot of the times when she told me she needed her space and I assumed she was at home suffering in solitude, she was actually attending Overeaters Anonymous meetings.   It would have been so much easier on both of us if she had just told me the truth.

           Then her friend, “Peggy” came to visit for a week.  I convinced myself I was not jealous--that would be childish and selfish of me.  But I still could not help feeling lonely that week and knowing Dana was doing all the things with Peggy that she usually did with me. She even took a weekend trip with Peggy to a place she and I had been planning to visit for months.   But Peggy had been her friend since high school, Peggy was smarter and happier than me, Peggy was always one step better than me.

The worst thing about Peggy was she was so nice I could not even hate her!

After Peggy went home, Dana still seemed distant. I missed her so much. I tried everything I could to get things back to the way they were. I bought her flowers and gifts.  But it only seemed to make her more distant.  One day after school when I had had a particularly bad day and was in tears, Dana chose that time to come up to my classroom to see me. She wanted to know what was wrong so I told her and she told me I was just feeling sorry for myself.

After school got out and just before we went home for the summer, we ended up getting into a huge fight, the worst fight I ever had with a friend.  She said some really mean things to me.  We did resolve the conflict before we left and were friends again, but the battle left me with emotional scars.  It was several months before I could think about the fight without crying.   When I started a new job close to home in the fall, I sometimes thought about trying to make friends with some of the other teachers.  But then I would think about the fight I had with Dana and would back off.  

Dana found a job in Texas.  We still kept in touch and would write or email regularly and called each other once in a while.  I went to Texas over spring break to see her and she came up and stayed for a few weeks during the summer to be a bridesmaid at my wedding.

Meanwhile, after I moved back home and started my new job, I got to know Christine better.   My husband met her through a friend he worked with. Christine was involved in cat rescue and my hubby fostered three of her cats. Hubby and I got together with Christine and went out to dinner.  I thought she was the most amazing person I ever met. She was so likable and fun and nice. But she had a busy schedule and a lot of other friends, so getting together with her took lots of planning. She also tended to get sick a lot.  But when we did get together it was always fun. I met her sister, “Carla.”

           But Christine and her husband were having problems and eventually they split up. Christine owned a house in the country and asked Carla to move in with her to help pay expenses.  Meanwhile, Hubby finished grad school and was offered a job in Minneapolis.  Now, after I spent 2 years living with my parents while I looked for a job, then spent that awful year teaching on the Rez, I did not want to give up the school library job I had already grown to love.  So Hubby and I decided to live apart for a while. Since I needed a place to live and Christine needed financial help and had a spare bedroom, I moved in with her.

That was one of the best summers of my life.  I got to see and talk to Christine every day. I got to help her with all the cats and help her with the yard, and help her with emotional issues as well. She told me I was the only friend she ever cried in front of and called me an angel for helping her.  Dana came up for my wedding and got along so well with Christine and my other friends that she stayed an extra week and a half, even when Hubby and I were on our honeymoon.

But when the school year started, things got harder.  Christine lived 30 miles from my school so I had a 45-60 minute commute twice a day. Christine seemed fussier. She started spending more time with other friends. And then she found a new boyfriend. Within 3 days she was spending every minute with him. I would come home from work hoping to get to talk to her, and see her boyfriend’s car in the driveway.  I was also worried that Christine was going to get hurt again by throwing herself into a relationship with a guy she just met while her divorce was not even final.  At one point I mentioned this to her. For the first time, I saw her get angry.  She yelled, “I DON’T need advice on men! If I want your opinion I’ll ask for it!” Then she left and went to her boyfriend’s.

I remember waking up at 11pm and looking out the window to see if Christine’s car was back. It wasn’t. I started to worry that I had driven her away.  I felt so relieved when she drove up the driveway. But then a few minutes later I heard the front door open again.  I looked out the window and saw Christine getting back into her car with a suitcase. I felt like my heart had been ripped out.

Christine was gone for three days.  When I got home from work the day after, Carla told me Christine had stopped over during the day to get some things and would be staying with her boyfriend from now on.

I could not believe it.  I felt like I had made such a stupid mistake that the friend I had become so close to ran away. Carla sat down with me and told me this was not my fault.  She told me Christine had always been this way. She would rush into new relationships, both friends and boyfriends, and bond with them almost immediately.  They would be really close for a while and then she would start to lose interest, distance herself, and eventually disconnect from all her current friends and rush into new relationships and it would start all over again.

Even though hearing this assured me that Christine’s decision to move out of her own house was not a result of anything I had done, it still was hard to learn the truth about the person I now thought of as a best friend.   And when Christine stopped by later to get more things, she said hello to me as if nothing had ever happened.   But I started crying and she sat by me and asked what was wrong.  I told her I was sorry and she asked what for and I said, “For driving you away.”   She said I did not drive her away, she was moving in with her boyfriend because she was in love.  She asked whatever made me think I drove her away. I said, “Because I pissed you off and you went away and never came back.”   Christine said that had nothing to do with her decision, it was normal for roommates to have fights.   She hugged me until I stopped crying and said that even though she was not going to be living here, we were still friends and she would stop over every day.

Every day became every other day, and eventually a few times a week.   I kept Dana filled in on what was going on and Dana said my letters were better than a soap opera. She said she thought Christine was acting like a bitch.

I valued the time I got to spend with Christine, but it seemed like she was growing more distant.  Since I communicate better by writing than speaking, I wrote her a letter, basically about how I felt left out and missed her. She came over, sat me down, and had a talk with me.  Yes, Christine did not ghost me (at least not this time) but actually sat down and told me what I needed to know.  

She said she could never be the kind of friend I wanted her to be. She would be my friend, but simply could not be the constant companion I wanted.  She also told me that I got too attached to people and that my friends would never be able to like me as much as l liked them.

Yes, it hurt a lot to hear that, but I realized it was true and I needed to know that.

Well, shortly after that, Christine decided to sell the house and I moved back in with my parents- again.  That summer I bought my own house.  I did stay friends with both Christine and Carla, but I learned to loosen my attachment to Christine.  Carla, on the other hand, was a “safe” friend.  She was more introverted and even though we got to be closer, I never had to worry about getting too close to Carla because she always had an emotional distance.  If that makes any sense.  

I did not forget what Christine told me and I vowed I would never get close to anyone ever again.  

           But it was too late with Dana.  I was already close to her.

I saw Dana again in 1998, and I went to her wedding in 2001.  We still wrote and emailed and called each other once in a while. We always called when we had big news, either good or bad.    The last time I talked to her was the summer of 2002.  My son was a newborn. Dana called me on her new cell phone. The quality was not very good and I could not hear a lot of what she was saying because she kept cutting out.  I remember that we talked about funny cell phone commercials where people got the wrong messages. After a while we said goodbye and we would talk again soon.

We never did.

About 3 months later I realized it had been a long time since I called Dana.  So I called her. Her husband said she was not home, but he would have her call me back. But she didn’t.  A few weeks later I called again. I got the machine and left a message. Dana did not call back.  After that I would call about once every two months. I did not want to call more often than that because I did not want to seem like a pest.  But I either got the machine or Dana’s husband would answer. One time he told me she would be home any minute.  But she did not call.

            For a while, every time my phone rang I would get excited, hoping it was Dana. It never was.   After a while I stopped leaving messages when I called. I would call at different times, hoping maybe THIS time Dana would pick up the phone. She never did.   After about a year I really started to worry.  I continued to send emails and letters but never got a response.   I talked to my other friends about it. BFF3 said she had no idea why Dana was not calling back. Christine guessed that Dana meant to call back, but kept getting sidetracked. My mother said that maybe her husband was not giving her the messages.  

           Every time I thought about Dana I felt down.  Sometimes I would think of a memory I wanted to share with her. Or something funny would happen that I wanted her to know about. Sometimes I would dream about her and wake up disappointed.  I often wondered if she ever dreamed about me. Did she ever think of me when she thought about that year on the Rez?  Did she ever find a picture of me or something I gave her and wonder about me?  Was she really never home when I called, or did she have caller ID and deliberately not answer when she saw it was me?

           After about 3 years I finally wrote her a letter and bluntly asked why I had not heard anything from her.  She never responded.   I still sent her a Christmas card every year for about 8 years, then finally gave up.  I still wonder about her from time to time.  Even though it eventually stopped hurting, I never really got over it.  And I am still scared to call people because I am afraid that if they see it is me, they will not pick up. Thank heavens for texting!  

As for Christine, we did manage to stay friends for several years. I was a speaker at her wedding. After a while Christine started distancing herself from people and disconnected her answering machine. This time I did not take it personally. I knew the only way I would ever see her would be to show up at her house unannounced and hope she was home after I made the 30 mile drive. She always seemed happy to see me and I was courteous enough to not stay long.  She was still doing cat rescue. When my older son was one and a half, he talked about “Go Kissteens see kee-cats.”  But the last few times I went there, no one was home. At one point I tried to call her. This time the machine was hooked up, but only her husband left his name. I was still friends with Carla, even though she had moved away, so I emailed her and asked what happened. She told me Christine and her husband split up, Christine left and moved in with another new boyfriend, and eventually disconnected herself not only from her friends, but from her family as well.

           So I guess Christine did end up ghosting me, but it did not really bother me since she ghosted everyone else as well. I cannot even remember the last time I saw her, maybe 10 years ago.  Once I saw someone who looked like her in a store, but was not able to catch her eye. I did look her up on Facebook one time. I thought about sending her a friend request.  I still wonder if I should.  Am I afraid she won’t remember me or would not want to talk to me?  Am I afraid she already has too many Facebook friends? Am I scared that if we ever got to be friends again, I might get too close to her again?

For 13 years I kept my vow not to let myself get close to anyone. Well, with a few exceptions.  A situation ended up drawing me closer to a friend I had already known for 20 years. She and I are still really good friends.   I also let myself get close to my brother’s girlfriend.  I told myself that was safe because she was more like family. I was aware, however, that if they ever broke up I was in trouble. Turns out that was an understatement. When they broke up I was devastated.  My mom said she thought I took the break-up harder than my brother did.  It took me about 2 years to get over it.  

           That was one of the hard times BFF1 helped me get through.

I mentioned in an earlier post how I met BFF1 online.  Even though she lives on the East Coast and I live in the Midwest, we communicated regularly by emailing and texting.  I often said she understood me better than I did. BFF1 has been through more hell than anyone I have ever known and I always said she was one of the most resilient people I ever met.  She got divorced a few years before I met her and after the divorce she lost touch with all of her friends.  So I was the first friend she had in years.  At one point, we would text each other several times a day.  The first time we met in person was one of the most exciting days of my life.  After that I would usually visit her about twice a year.  We always had a blast.

           Just like the others, she told me how she loved me and I was the best friend she ever had. She talked about what we would be like when we were old.  She even planned to move to my state when her youngest graduated from high school.  I truly believed that Christine had been wrong when she said no friend would ever like me as much as I liked them. At times, BFF1 even seemed to like me even more than I liked her. Sometimes I wondered if I should be disturbed by how attached she was to me. But I wasn’t. On the contrary, I enjoyed every minute of it. Much as I love my friends, I also seem to feel like I am second best. If someone is forgotten or left out, it is usually me.  So BFF1 showering me with attention was a new and delightful experience.  

           I do not know how I would have gotten through the loss on my job without BFF1. I had a career I loved and felt like I lost not only my occupation and livelihood, but my identity.  The administrators who wanted to get rid of me and verbally abused me until I had a nervous breakdown had destroyed my confidence and self-esteem. BFF1 helped me get it back. BFF1 had dealt with major depression and knew exactly how I felt and was very helpful and supportive.  She knew how to help me when I had panic attacks. She gave me advice on raising boys with ADHD.  When I was in the hospital and could not keep my cell phone, she called me on the hospital phone twice a day.   Even when I was at my lowest, I still felt that I was the luckiest person in the world to have a friend like BFF1.

           But all during our friendship, I still remained haunted by Dana’s ghosting (no pun intended.)  Once in a while BFF1 would do or say something that reminded me of Dana and I would be gripped by the fear that BFF1 would turn out to be just like Dana and would abandon me the same way Dana did.  Then I would tell myself, “BFF1 is NOT Dana!”

           As the years went by we remained close.  She started a job that kept her busy so we were not able to text as often, but we still texted a couple times a week.  She still had a lot of issues involving her evil ex-husband and sharing custody of her children.  I did all I could to help her, but there was only so much I could do from 900 miles away. I worried a lot about her. My therapist once informed me that I spent more time talking about BFF1’s problems than my own.  I also worried because BFF1 did not have other friends.  I was so happy when she made new friends and so disappointed when the new friendships did not work out.

           In 2014, BFF1 finally visited me. She took a plane here, even though she was afraid of flying.  BFF3 had been dying to meet her and was so excited when she finally did. They seemed to get along really well.   BFF1and I were going to meet each other halfway during the summer with our kids, but her evil ex ruined the plans.  I arranged to go visit her in October.  She was sick when I got there, but I made her chicken soup and took care of her and we still had fun.  

           That was the last time I saw her.  She was going to try to visit me in 2015 when she got a reliable car, but she ended up having to move.  My husband had arranged for our family to travel that summer, so I could not visit her then. Plus I started a part-time job.   Meanwhile, early in 2015 BFF1 ran into her best friend from high school and it turned out they now lived in the same town.  I was so happy to hear that she finally had a friend who lived close by and could help her with things I could not do from far away. I looked forward to meeting her.

           October of 2015 marked a year since BFF1 and I had seen each other in person, the longest we had ever gone. I planned to try to visit after the holidays. But then my hubby switched jobs and we lost our health insurance and I had to use my entire paychecks to pay for my medicine.  We eventually got insurance taken care of, but by then I had already lost BFF1.

           I did notice that over 2015, BFF1 texted less and less often.  Her High School Friend often tagged her on Facebook and showed pictures of all the fun things they did together.  I was really happy for BFF1, but still could not help thinking “That used to be me.” (Actually, I read in a couple websites about maintaining long-distance friendships that feeling that way is normal.)

           Another thing bothered me.  I always sent BFF1 and her kids packages for their birthdays in the summer and at Christmas. Being so disorganized, I always sent them late, but they never minded.  Usually BFF1 would give me feedback when she opened the gifts. She’d tell me things like what her daughter said about the painting or how she liked the CD or how much the cats loved the kitty treats I sent.  But this year I heard nothing.  I eventually asked if the packages arrived in the mail. She said yes, she was just waiting for a time when the kids were around so they could open it together.  I sent her daughter a graduation check in the birthday package.  It was 2 months before the check cleared.  Then in February when BFF1 was snowed in, I texted her that it would be a good day to watch her Christmas present (I sent her a DVD.) She said she still had not opened it.  To this day I do not know if she ever opened the Christmas package.  I tried not to let it bug me, but it did. I wondered if she did not like any of the gifts and that was why she was not saying anything.

           Last winter we still texted about every 1-2 weeks.  She started a new job. But I still noticed that she found time to do things that her HSF posted on Facebook, and she added about 30 new Facebook friends.

           I did get a nice text from her the day of the anniversary of six years after we met.  I texted that six years was long enough to be considered old friends. Ironically, I remember thinking that after 6 years I could probably relax and stop worrying that BFF1 would pull a Dana on me.   BFF1 told me she thought of us as sisters. She also told me not to think she was being distant, she was just exhausted from her new job.  A week later, she texted me a happy birthday. It was two days early, but I thought that maybe she had to work on my birthday so she sent it ahead of time.  

           Then I stopped hearing from her.

           I did not think much of it at first.  I knew she was busy.  I did not send her any texts for a few weeks.  Then I sent her an email.   But after about 4 weeks I started to worry.  Usually if she went more than 3 weeks without texting it was because something had happened. But I still saw her Facebook posts.  I waited until it had been a month since I heard from her, then texted and asked if everything was ok.  No response. But she continued to add more Facebook friends.

           Five weeks after I last heard from her I started to panic.  I tried to think of what I had done to make her ignore me. I finally texted her apologizing for everything I could think of.  I apologized for if my emails had sounded too negative or too braggy.  I apologized for sending such lame gifts this year. I apologized for asking her too many questions.

           An hour later, she still had not responded, but she had added more Facebook friends.

I sent her another text saying. “PLEASE just say SOMETHING!”

           I felt such relief when I heard her text tone. Then I read her message. It said, “JENN! What is going on with you? I am not enjoying this at all!”

           I texted back and told her that I had not heard ANYTHING from her in 5 weeks and we had never gone this long without communicating.  I waited for her response. Nothing.

           I waited 10 minutes, then texted her again, apologizing and explaining that I was having panic attacks.

           She did not respond. Ever.

           I realized then it was over.  I spent the rest of the day sobbing.

For three days I was afraid to check Facebook.  When I finally did, I saw that she was still on my friends list. I told myself that as long as she has not unfriended me, she does not hate me.  Still, I did not send her any texts for a month.  I told myself I needed to let her go and if she was meant to be in my life, she would come back.

           A month later, BFF1’s HSF tagged her on Facebook. I guess BFF1 had been in the hospital.  So I texted her wishing her a speedy recovery.  I also did what I had once done when she was too sick to want to talk; I texted her some jokes and funny things.

If only I had left it at that! At least we could have remained Facebook friends. Maybe by now she would be speaking to me again.  But I missed her so much and it still hurt to see all the happy things her HSF was posting.  So I started dropping hints on Facebook. I found memes about missing people and fear of people walking out of my life.  I eventually put together a couple meme collages.  One was a collection of memes about missing people you used to talk too, wondering if someone misses you, and wishing someone would talk about what happened instead of staying silent.   The other collection was about still being there and forgiveness for walking out on me.

           I never had the chance to post the second one.  Less than 3 hours after I posted the first one, BFF1 unfriended me.

           The past few months have been painful.  I feel like I did when I lost my job—like soon I am going to wake up and find this was all a nightmare and things will be exactly as they were before.  How can this be real?  Why did she ghost me? Some days I wish I could hate her. I want to send her a letter telling her what a cruel, evil person she is.  Other days I feel like I will be fine and I just need to close this chapter of my life and move on.  I admit I still keep hoping that one of these days she will text or email me and explain what happened.

           I still wish I had not posted those memes. I feel like the dog with the bone in Aesop’s fable. The dog saw his reflection in the water and thought it was another dog with a bone. He thought he would take the other bone away and then he would have two bones. But when he opened his mouth, he dropped his bone into the water. Now he had no bones.  If I had not been so greedy and tried to get BFF1’s friendship back, I could have at least been a distant friend.  Instead, now I lost her completely.

             It has been four months since I last heard from her and 10 weeks since she unfriended me.  I noticed she has me blocked on Facebook as well.  I have not bothered sending her texts or emails.  Even if she does not have me blocked, I know I need to let go. I still think of her several times a day and it still hurts.

Doing the research was helpful.  As I said, I found a pattern to these failed friendships and realize that my neediness is most likely what leads to my abandonment.  One of the books I read interviewed people who had ghosted their friends.  I found some websites where people admitted to ghosting their friends.  So far, I have not found anyone who said anything like “Well, I just woke up one morning and decided I now hated my best friend’s guts. I figured that suddenly avoiding her without ever explaining why would cause the most pain with the least amount of effort.”

           A couple people had friends who were mean to them.  A few said that their friend was “bugging them.” But most of the people said that they were going through a difficult time in their life and the friendship had just become too stressful.  

           While a few people showed no remorse and were glad to be rid of the friend, most of the people who ghosted their friends regretted what they had done. A few of them expressed extreme guilt.  

           I figure what most likely happened with BFF1 is what most people said. She was going through a very stressful time in her life.  I know her new job was difficult and I know she ended up in the hospital.  She probably just could not deal with my neediness and clinginess. Maybe the reason she unfriended me is because my meme hints made her feel guilty.  

           But I still worry that it could also be that the only reason she ever liked me as much as she did was because I was her only friend. Then once she had other friends, she could see me for what I really was.  

[jennifuryz]

Friend End

September 6, 2016

I have not written anything for a long time. So far, 2016 has been a nightmare.  

Lots of bad things have happened, but by far the worst is that BFF1 and I are no longer BFF’s.

In fact, we are not friends at all anymore.

The worst part is I do not even know why. She just stopped speaking to me.

This is not the first time I have been ghosted by a close friend.  It has happened before.  Each time just gets harder.

Fortunately, my husband, my kids, BFF2 and BFF3 and some other good friends have all been very supportive.   This really makes me appreciate the real friends who have stuck with me year after year, decade after decade.  

But it still hurts like hell. Even after almost 4 months, I still think of BFF1 several times a day and wonder how this could happen. Why did this happen?   She helped me get through the hardest years of my life, then turned around and ripped my heart into shreds.   It’s like saving someone’s life and then trying to kill them.  

What is wrong with me? Why do I keep driving friends away?  

My real friends told me this is not my fault.  This was BFF1’s decision. They tell me it is her loss.  

I have been doing a lot of research and read a couple books about friendship ending.  People say a broken friendship is just as hard, if not worse, than a broken relationship.  Getting ghosted is the hardest way to lose a friend because you are left dangling and wondering why.

[jennifuryz]

Happy Birthday Beverly Cleary!

April 12, 2016

Today one of the greatest librarians and children's authors in history turns 100 years old. Happy Birthday Beverly Cleary! You are one of my all time heroes.

[jennifuryz]

The Other End of the Lease

Written last October, finally posting now

After writing my “Stupid Pet Laws” post, I decided to write about landlords.

I have always had a very strong interest in children’s literature, even before I decided to pursue a library career.  A common theme in children’s literature involves a character that either wants a pet or finds a pet, but is in conflict with a landlord who does not allow pets.  Most of the time, the landlord is portrayed as an animal hating villain. Well, I can think of one book where the main character describes the landlord as someone who seems like a decent guy, but for some reason just does not like dogs. Unfortunately, I no longer remember the title or author. I can picture exactly where it was on the shelf at the school library. I really miss having a source of books and multimedia at my fingertips.

But most of the time the anti-pet landlord hates children as well as animals (although sometimes the landlord will keep his/her own pet, but not allow tenants to have one.) Usually the landlord is cranky and complains about everything. But the stories have a happy ending.  Either the main character finds a some place else to keep the pet, the landlord sells the building to someone nice, the family gets to move into their own house, the kids do some detective work and find out the landlord is a crook, or the landlord has a change of heart and not only lets the main character keep the pet, but adopts his/her own pet.

I was both an animal lover and an avid reader as a child.  So I grew up with the idea that landlords who did not allow pets were all mean animal haters, just like the landlords in the books.  I also had many friends who were forced to give up a pet because they had to move and the new landlord would not allow pets. (Actually in those days, just as many landlords did not allow children, either.)  I always swore that when I grew up, I would never even consider looking at any place that did not allow pets.  

But when I was 18 and went away to the University, I lived in the dorms for two years. The only pets they allowed were fish. Naturally, the first thing I did when I was settled in was buy two goldfish. But I still found the pet rules unfair. I missed my dog something fierce, even though I knew that even if she was allowed, I would not be able to care for her properly in a dorm room with a busy college schedule. The worst part was pets were not even allowed to visit.  

 I did end up keeping a secret hamster in my dorm room, though I had not planned on it. That, however, is a very long story that I will save for another time.

After two years I transferred to the University in my city.  BFF3’s father bought a nice, small house near campus and agreed to rent it to us and two other friends at a reasonable price. BFF3’s parents had a cat, although I knew they did not like dogs.  But the lease automatically said “No live animals, birds, or reptiles.” I told BFF3’s father I had a hamster, and he said that was ok, just no cats and dogs. Well, my hamster eventually ended up being two hamsters, a white mouse, and a rabbit.  After two years, BFF3 and I convinced her parents to let us have a cat. But they would not budge on dogs and would not even let my dog visit.

Today, BFF3’s parents live in that same house. They also take care of BFF3’s dog while she is at work.

 During my University years, I worked at several part-time jobs. I cleaned motel rooms, worked for a company that cleaned offices, empty apartments, and homes, and cleaned houses for individual families. When I was in grad school, I read an article in the paper about a landlord who refused to let two tenants who were deaf keep a hearing assistance dog.  He said that as the owner of the “damn property” he should not have to rent to dogs.  But what really irked me was the number of people who responded by writing letters to the editor supporting the landlord.  This was back in the days when my city was still extremely anti-dog, but you would still think that in a city with a reputation for being open-minded and tolerant, compassion for the disabled would outweigh hatred of dogs.

One person wrote in saying that she cleaned apartments and cleaning apartments that allowed pets was much harder than cleaning apartments that did not allow pets. I really wanted to write a response saying that person was full of beans. I got through college cleaning apartments, offices, motel rooms, and private homes.  At least half of the homes and apartments had pets.  Cleaning houses with pets usually consisted of vacuuming a little more thoroughly to get any loose fur and occasionally cleaning up a hairball. Only once did I ever encounter an “accident” a dog or cat made in a corner.  Cleaning up after humans is another story. I had to clean up cigarette buts, snotty Kleenex, and moldy food. I cleaned motel rooms after guests got drunk and threw up all over. I cleaned bathrooms where men had urinated everywhere except the toilet. And I won’t even discuss the bed sheets I had to change. I don’t see why people complain about cleaning up after pets when the filthiest, dirtiest animals of all are humans.   But I did not write the letter because at the time I was still cleaning houses for some very nice families who were not filthy and I did not want to sound like I was offending them.

 So, a few years later I met the hubby.  I also met his family. Turns out both his parents and his grandmother owned buildings that they rented.  Hubby’s dad and grandmother did not allow pets, but to my surprise, they were not animal haters. They actually liked animals, although they did not have any pets of their own.  Hubby’s dad just felt it was easier to just have a “no pets” policy on the lease.  

 Hubby’s grandmother was a dear person whom I absolutely loved.   She and her husband owned a four-unit in the city. They rented one apartment to a professor for 9 months, and lived there during the summer.  The rest of the year, they lived in a retirement complex in Arizona. She told me one time the complex considered banning dogs. Even though they did not have a dog, Hubby’s grandmother and her husband went to a meeting to speak against the policy, saying they felt the residents should be allowed to have dogs.   But she did not allow pets in the 4-unit that they owned. She told me one time that she used to allow pets, but then tenants complained that one tenant allowed her cat to room loose in the hallway. The cat’s owner claimed there were mice in the hallway.  But after that, Hubby’s grandmother decided it was just easier to not allow pets at all.

So I learned that in real life, not all landlords with no-pet policies are animal-hating villains.

 Skip forward a few more years, to when the Hubby and I were looking for our first apartment. At the time, Hubby had a cat and I had a cat and a dog.  

While we were on our honeymoon, my hubby and I got talked into attending a time-share demonstration. (Hey, we got a free pancake breakfast out of it.)  At one point I asked our tour guide/ realtor about the pet policy and he told me it was “No pets.” He said, “Since you share the property with other people, you wouldn’t want their dog peeing all over the place.” I was tempted to ask why people involved in real estate cannot understand the concept of housebreaking.

When Hubby and I looked for apartments, we started with the newspaper. I crossed out any ad that said “No pets.”   Then I called the other places and immediately asked about the pet policy.   Some places said they allowed cats but not dogs, and one place even said they would take the dog, but not the cats.  Several places said they would allow two pets, but not three.  Lots of places said they only allowed small dogs and would not even think about considering my 60-pound dog, even though she was 13 and not very active anymore.

 I find it odd that so many places allow small dogs but not large dogs because small dogs are more likely to bark, dig, and be destructive.  I recently read something in a forum where the landlord said that the larger the dog, the larger the damage. Obviously, that person does not know much about dogs. When I was in grad school, a classmate told me that her landlord wished he could have a policy that only allowed large dogs, since they tended to be quieter and better behaved.

 We found one nice apartment where the landlords said they would consider us, but told us that another couple had looked at the place and since they did not have pets, they had priority over us.  At another place, we asked the landlord, a rather young man, about his pet policy. He said the way he saw it, you either had pets or you did not.   Of course, I did not agree with him. There is a big difference between keeping a gerbil and keeping a Jack Russell terrier.  But I did not say anything. I had the feeling that eventually he would encounter a problem tenant with a pet and would react by changing the property to “No Pets” because it would be easier.  I cannot remember why we turned that place down. Either Hubby did not like the neighborhood or it did not have off-street parking or laundry facilities.

Then we finally found a duplex owned by a nice couple.  It turned out the wife volunteered at the Humane Society. They agreed to rent to us. They wanted to charge an extra $20 a month. I asked if they would consider an additional security deposit instead, but they explained that was not legal. They agreed to only change $10 a month since my dog was obedience trained and had her Canine Good Citizen title.   They also told us we would need to rent the south side instead of the north side because the north side had new carpeting.

The previous owners did not have pets. They had a two year-old.  Before we moved in, I scrubbed the heck out of the place. (Back then I was a lot more obsessive about cleanliness than I am now.)  I used up a bottle on Ammonia on the kitchen floor and discovered that the brown vinyl was actually yellow. When I scraped all the grease off the kitchen fan, I wondered how people could even allow a place to get so dirty.  Of course, I found the answer to that question once I had children.

After we moved in, I felt the need to prove that pet owners were not dirty. Every day I scooped the yard and the litter boxes. Every Saturday I gave all the pets a thorough grooming and the whole house a complete cleaning.   When my dog got sick and had some accidents, I scrubbed them up the best I could and later rented a carpet cleaner.

When we moved out, our landlords told us the place had never been so clean. I was honest and showed her a few damaged spots. I spilled make-up on the carpet in the bedroom and could not clean it because the carpet cleaner I rented was too heavy for me to carry upstairs. I showed her the scratch in the bathtub I accidently made while cleaning the hot air duct covers.   I also showed her the coffee stain on the living room floor.  Unlike the pet accident stains, the carpet cleaner could not get the coffee stain out.  The landlady shrugged and said coffee is a part of life.  

I have to confess, though. I did not tell her that reason for the coffee stain was because my dog knocked the cup of coffee off the coffee table with her tail.

Anyway, they refunded our entire security deposit.

 Now, nearly 20 years later, we are landlords and I am volunteering at the Humane Society.

  Hubby decided to get into real estate and bought two duplexes.  Both duplexes previously belonged to landowners who had a “no pet” policy.

Naturally, the first thing I planned to change was the no-pet policy.  Still, after volunteering at the Humane Society, I have seen both sides of the story. I have seen many pets who were surrendered because of landlord issues. But I have also witnessed cases of people who never had a pet (or had pets growing up but their parents took care of them) who move into a pet friendly place and immediately decide to get a pet without doing the research or making the preparations. Then when they realize how much work it is to care for a pet, they decide they do not want it anymore.

So I decided our pet policy would be “Pets considered on an individual basis.”

The first duplex had tenants who had lived there for more than ten years. The other side was empty.  

Hubby interviewed many people interested in renting, and selected a couple who had very good references. They also had a medium-sized mixed breed dog.  I asked Hubby if I should write up a separate pet lease and pet application, but he said he already told the new tenants they could keep a dog and they already signed the lease.  Luckily, the new tenants turned out to be very nice, responsible people.  The old tenants on the other side told us how happy they were with the new neighbors.

In the second duplex, both sides were occupied. But we had problems with one tenant and Hubby eventually asked him to leave.  Once he moved out, I cleaned the empty apartment and we started to look for new tenants.  One couple had an elderly pug. This time I did complete a pet application and a list of rules for the tenants before they signed the lease. Hubby decided to rent to them and we have had no problems.

Last summer the tenants who had lived in the first duplex for 15 years moved out.  I went over to clean the place and Hubby started interviewing new applicants. When I arrived, the person measuring for new carpeting was there and when I told her I was here to clean she said, “Good luck.”

I soon saw what she meant. The place was coated in grime. I do not think the tenants cleaned the blinds in the entire 15 years they were there.  When I rinsed them off in the bathtub, the water turned black the second time I rinsed them.  The bathroom itself was a nightmare. The tub must have had gray soap scum that was at least 2-3 millimeters thick. The inside of the toilets were brown.  We ended up replacing the toilet seat on one.  It took me a week to clean a small, 2-bedroom duplex.  I spent hours scrubbing the bathrooms with various toxic chemicals, scrub brushes, scouring pads, and a chisel.  

Did I mention that the tenants of this place never owned a pet?

But I finally got the place clean. We showed the duplex to several potential renters. Some had pets, some did not. Hubby decided to rent to a young couple with a cat.

Recently, Hubby told me his sister thinks I am crazy for letting our tenants keep pets. Now, my SIL is not an animal hater.  She has a small dog and has had cats and a ferret in the past.  Her sons have kept mice, Guinea pigs, lizards and snakes.   Then Hubby told me his sister said that our house smells.

Ok, so our house is not exactly clean. It is big, which makes it harder to clean. My kids are slobs, Hubby is gone half the time, and my combination of Major Depression Disorder and Attention Deficit Disorder has made it impossible for me to keep up with daily tasks.  I am getting better, but it is still a battle.

As for the pets being to blame… Well, I admit that while I am usually good about changing the ferrets’ litter boxes daily, I am not as good about changing their bedding and hammocks.  Plus the ferret cage is in the walk-out basement. Since our driveway is in the back, most people use our back door. So I can see how the first thing people may notice when they enter is how clean the ferret cage may or may not be.

The other problem is the dining room. When my darling Persian, PB, got old he became incontinent.  Many elderly pets, and people as well, have that problem. For some reason, PB started peeing in a spot in the dining room where we have hardwood floors.  I am not sure if it was the ammonia from the urine or from me scrubbing, but the varnish wore off the floor in one spot.   We are going to need to sand and refinish the floor. Most of the time it is not noticeable, but on really hot and humid days, the dining room still smells like cat urine.

But any other smells probably have more to do with the boys throwing their stinky socks all over, leaving dirty dishes all over the house, and missing the toilet.

 Anyway, I do have rules and regulations for tenants keeping pets. I have them fill out a pet application. I checked to make sure it is legal now to charge an extra security deposit. I do charge and extra $5 a month rental increase for cats, rabbits, and ferrets and an extra $15 for dogs (although I am willing to drop it to $5 if the dog has a Canine Good Citizen title.)  I require that pets be kept clean and live indoors. I require cats, dogs, rabbits and ferrets to be spayed or neutered. I also added an additional security deposit for puppies and kittens less than 2 years old.

I should mention that I have heard of landlords who have “Non-refundable security deposits.”  I find that absolutely ridiculous!  “Non-refundable security deposit” is an oxymoron!  The whole point of a security deposit is to encourage tenants to take care of the place so that they can get their full deposit back.  I would think a Non-refundable security deposit would make tenants less likely to take care of the place.

Recently, my husband informed me that the newest tenants want to get a puppy.  He is not happy about that because we JUST got new carpeting in that duplex and puppies are hard to housebreak.

I had planned on replacing the old carpeting with laminate flooring instead of new carpeting.  I really do not care for carpeting. I like the look of hardwood floors. Carpeting traps allergens and odors. When a hard floor gets dirty, you grab a broom and sweep it.  When carpet gets dirty, you have to haul out the vacuum cleaner and find a place to plug it in.  If you spill liquid on a hard floor, you get a rag and wipe it up. If you spill liquid on carpet, you get several rags and dab the spot and try to soak it up, but it still takes hours to dry and leaves a stain.  When hard floors get dirty, you get a bucket and a mop and wash the floor. When carpet gets dirty, you have to rent a carpet cleaner.

Laminate flooring is cheaper than hardwood or ceramic tile, comes in a variety of colors and patterns, and is relatively easy to install.  I have found that if it gets wet for a long time, it can bend or bubble.

But most of the time it holds up well. If you really want a rug, you can always buy a throw rug or remnant.

But it would have cost $1000 more to have laminate installed.  I thought maybe we could install it ourselves, since we installed it in our own house. But I let Hubby make the final decision and he decided to go with carpeting.  It turns out we would not have had time to install laminate ourselves anyway since the place took much longer to clean than I anticipated.

Anyway, I had the tenants fill out an application to keep a dog and Hubby and I approved it.  So I guess we will see what happens.

[jennifuryz]

Testing

For some reason I am having different results depending on whether I enter Tumblr from Safari or Chrome. 

If I pre-write and post from Safari, it changes the size and font, but lets me edit. 

[jennifuryz]

March 20, 2016