jennygamble

[jennygamble]

SET BACK GIVING ME MOMENTUM TO LEAP FORWARD!

Well...I spoke too soon about the pain. They day we left for UW, the headaches set in. They start by creeping up the neck, then my body gets disoriented by nausea and extreme smell aversion, and then the crown rises to the top throbbing around my head until I can time my ibuprofen/Tylenol assault. It's been one week now where I feel that I have been in full combat. Today marks 24 hours without taking a pain med and I am so grateful. It has been a bit scary wondering to what we attribute all of this. The shift in chemo to Methotrexate from Topotican (which helped my vision) could likely be to blame - typical chemo side effect which I have been able to avoid. But these symptoms are also all signs of leptomeningeal disease and increases in the cancer cell count (cytology) in cerebral spinal fluid.

The layer floating above (or below) all of this is...what next? There are very few options with LMD and I have now worked my way through one of them (Topotican by intrathecal therapy). Just finished a brief treatment of methotrexate which helped with vision, but possibly destroyed quality of life with horrific headaches. So now...I am off to University of Washington, Fred Hutch Cancer Center for Proton cranial/spine radiation. I feel nervous, of course, to have my brain radiated. They said it will slow down my short term memory for awhile and to that I say...what if my brain function was bad in the first place!?

I am profoundly grateful to my doctors and to my doctors' friends and colleagues who are guiding my way. So many friends have checked in and received NOTHING from me in return. I am sorry. I am figuring out how to communicate better with everyone when I get knocked down and have no energy for anything. My preference is to just NOT get knocked down but I am up against something a little harder to control than I would care to admit. Please know all your wishes and messages are so appreciated and are giving me the strength to continue to beat the odds.

So the latest plan is to start cranial spine therapy on Monday, May 20 and finish Tuesday, June 3 at UW. I am determined (now that I will have super powers radiated into my brain) to figure out how to use this blog more consistently as a central spot to give updates. (And also give Carin a break from sharing updates that are changing constantly.)

An extra thank you to my local crew for brining food over these next few weeks - as it is going to be challenging to wrap up the school year from UW! So much love to all of you!

Much love!

[jennygamble]

Blinded by the LIGHT...

Friends and Family...

This cancer journey is not easy - especially when I am so in love with THIS life and all of you. Trying to learn how to embrace all the transitions. Gratefully, I am not in any pain but lepto menegeal disease hijacks the nervous system and it has made quick progress this last week on my vision. I can see out of each eye individually, but the central nerve that coordinates the two eyes is not working. Good thing I like pirates!!

I am headed to University of Washington this week to set up for whole brain radiation treatment. I have been directed by very smart doctors who say that this special proton therapy is showing hope for lepto meningeal disease. I switched interthecal therapies last week and it seems like some progress is happening (lower cell count in the Cerebral Spinal Fluid), which is what I understand is complicating my vision.

My dear friend Chace sent such a beautiful note (see below) asking people to put in good vibes and love for me during this time. I think I'm ready for it - please send love, positive energies and miracles my way.

Also sharing a beautiful tribute that my girls sang to me over the weekend. I love the verse - "you never quit a day in all your life"! And I will never quit filling my heart with gratitude and love for every minute of this beautiful life.

Thank you for all the sweet texts and messages. I’m sorry that I am not quick to respond just very overloaded and now visually challenged with everything! But I appreciate it and love you all.

[jennygamble]

Full Moon Jenny

My nickname for Jen is Full Moon. As her college volleyball coach, roommate, and friend, I know that Jen is a force of nature where little can stop her. She embodies deep emotion, a zest for life, and is a spiritual guru.

Jen is a radiant force of creativity and joy! Her unwavering optimism is like a beacon of light that inspires everyone lucky to be around her. When I met Jen at UCSB, I couldn't help but be swept up in her infectious enthusiasm for life.

What sets Jen apart is her boundless creativity. She doesn't just think outside the box; she turns the box into a masterpiece of colors and ideas. Whether it's through her art, writing, or even in the way she approaches everyday challenges, Jen's creative spirit is truly remarkable. It's as if she sees the world as a canvas, and every moment is an opportunity to paint something beautiful.

But what truly makes Jen stand out is her ability to infuse joy into everything she does. She doesn't just find joy in the big moments; she discovers it in the little things—the laughter of friends, the beauty of nature, and the simple pleasures of life. Jen's positivity is a reminder that even in the midst of challenges, there is always a reason to smile.

Inspirational, creative, optimistic, and joyful—these words only scratch the surface of describing Jen. She is a bright star in the constellation of life, and anyone fortunate enough to know her is undoubtedly touched by the magic of her spirit. Cheers to Jen, a true source of inspiration and a beacon of joy in this world! Love you, Jenny! Let's carpe diem!

#jengamble #jenficker #jengambleficker

[jennygamble]

Code Yellow

I am here today because at my appointment last week, there was a mishap and the radioactive tracer that is injected into me before the scan leaked!! They had to call a code yellow, shut down the hall for hazmat cleanup and they put me into a room to clean me up (it spilled on my arm and my legs). My shoes got triple bagged and I was sent out in hospital socks (I was crying, disoriented and carrying a huge garbage bag) — needless to say the valet car manager wouldn’t give me my car without the ticket. They ended up not doing the scan because they didn’t know how much spilled & how much was in my body! They used a Geiger Counter to see how much radiation was coming from inside & outside my body!! Jared got the car & we found a hotel to check into so I could just rest before the next appointment at two. When I went to pull my stuff out of the truck, the hatch came down and spit my forehead open/ blood everywhere (I’m on blood thinners)!!! We checked into our room and Jared bandaged me up. And that’s how Jared & I spent out Valentines Day outting!

Hoping to login and post an update as soon as today’s results are posted. Looking forward to tonight’s healing circle with Kaita & friends (and moms)!!

[jennygamble]

Lepto outa left field!

After re-reading my last post, I can see that I was still grasping at what I didn’t understand at the time to be a serious event. My doctor said “it is a miracle from God” that I have recovered as I did. The truth is, yes, there was a narcotic effect that made me incoherent (not recognizing my family) and took me to the ER. However, Lepto Menengial disease also has this effect and can be catastrophic if not detected. So… ultimately this was a perfect storm and I am lucky I got through it!

The metastasized breast cancer has found two distinct homes in my body (my bones and my CSF cerebral spinal fluid). Neither are curable and each has their own concerns and treatments. I’m on a new oral chemo to treat my Bone Mets and an Intrathecal Chemo that delivers through my skull to treat the CSF. Yep, I have a port in my skull!!

Lepto Menengial disease is a very rare and statistically devastating diagnosis. So far, I have been very lucky to get it identified and treated (infusions twice a week). At the moment the treatment is working and soon I can enter the maintenance plan, which is infusions once a week.

And so as I write this “report” I can see how dramatic the changes in my life have been. I was delirious with hope on my initial Bone Mets diagnosis but the new lepto situation has forced me to face a less optimistic possibility. I know I am in superior care with my current medical team. I am benefiting from the best that western medicine can offer. I’m also working with an amazing oncology natural path doctor who is helping me support my body to be strong through this journey.

While these cancers are considered “incurable”; they are treatable and can add years to my life.

But the very best medicine is what I already have! Incredible love and support all around me! More thanks to come in future posts! My family and friends are the deep wells of love that fuel my will to stick around and to defy statistics! Jared, Cliff, Marina and Delilah are the ones keeping me going!

Life is so beautiful. There will never be enough of it to satisfy me so I continue my Carpe Diem and make the most of what I’ve got!

[jennygamble]

Third time is a charm-I hope!

I have not been able to pick up this blog because I keep waiting for things to settle down and give me just a little bit more predictability to as to what is going on, what I can expect, and how to share this experience with all the friends and family that I love so much.

One thing for sure is that there IS no predictability and it’s often one step forward two steps back, two steps forward one step back. And today I am vigorously doing that dance.

Two weeks ago, I had my four-month pet CT scan and was shocked to learn that the treatment (enhurtu) was ineffective. I have felt so well over the last couple months that I felt like the cancer left. So with these new results, the new plan is to move to a third line of Therapy - Xeloda (oral chemo- two weeks on, one week off).

While I was waiting to start my “lucky charm” I had to take a few steps back again. I had new headaches and fatigue so I went in to the ER and they did MRI. I was expecting a pinched nerve or something but then I got news of cancer cells spreading to my nervous system (leptomeningeal disease). So I immediately went into surgery to get a port in my skull so I could begin “Intrathecal chemotherapy” for the holidays. Too bad it was not done just before Halloween because I love the creepiest upgrades to my Halloween attire and the staples in my head are a nice effect.

I found myself back in the hospital one week after having a scare and becoming extremely disoriented. I know it scared a lot of people but it turned out to be a result of too many narcotics that did not react well with my system.

I have two wonderful oncologists - Dr. Yuan from Cedars and Dr. Kass at UCLA in Santa Barbara (who has been by my side since my initial diagnosis in 2015). And of course Carin has not left my side. Despite the circumstances, we always find a way to laugh more than we cry. I have great team with amazing love & support from so many. And absolutely touched by Jared and friends who completely stopped what they were doing to help get my house out of Thanksgiving mode since I slept for two days straight through it. Now it is so comfortable and getting festive & ready for the holidays!

So…in the scheme of things, this has not been a few weeks full of great news. To me, that means there is lots of room for good developments and hope for creating a positive future. I remain strong, optimistic, and with full conviction that I will improve and defy odds to outlive these bits of bad news. AND, I’m looking forward to sharpening my intentions to spend each day of my life living large and connecting with the people I love who make this life so beautiful!

Please feel free to reach out but please don’t be offended if I don’t get back to you right away. Know I appreciate the love & support- it means everything.

Much love,

Jen Gamble

[jennygamble]

Gut-Punch

Well...I have put off re-starting this blog every single day since the test results were confirmed. My cancer has returned. I left this “cute” VIVA LA JENNY website/blog and history in December of 2016 and never looked back. I wanted to move forward and never think about cancer again.

Jared described the news as a gut-punch. For me the punch delivered the most devastating news of my life AND jump-started a resuscitation of heart and soul to prepare me for my journey of a lifetime.

Metastatic breast cancer, spread to the bone. Stage IV.

Such news has been my greatest fear. Every coin I tossed into a wishing well, every birthday cake candle I blew out, every intention I set in my ocean dunks, and every breath of gratitude I have spoken - all a wish that cancer would never return. And so now, I am living within my greatest fear. And who would know that I could find a kind of freedom in that? I mean, nothing worse can really happen (knock on wood)...right?

I am still on the roller coaster of appointments, biopsies, tests, more tests, test results, change of plans, surgeries, another change of treatment course. More waiting. More opinions. More unknowns. Ugh. This is clearly the lesson that I have never been able to learn and for some reason it is in this lifetime that I must come to terms with the fact that I CANNOT CONTROL everything! 

I hope to use VIVA LA JENNY to share regular updates with my beloved family, friends and incredible support system that I will need now more than ever. I BELIEVE that while this is an “incurable” disease, I WILL learn to live with it for a long, long time. 

Please be patient with me if I have not returned calls, messages, or if I even flat out forgot your birthday! I feel like I am getting close finding a stride on this new path. I want more than anything to live more moments, more fully, with those whom I love doing the things we love to do!

I hope that cancer will start to pull some punches and that all of you who visit VIVA LA JENNY will be a part of my re-awakening and celebration of the fragility and vitality of life. 

Much love. Jen

Stay tuned for more updates!!

[jennygamble]

[jennygamble]

Seasons of Love

There has been a long silence since my last post. With every day of improvement, I push myself a little bit more and it feels really, really good. I don’t think I realized how sick I actually felt until I began to get better! I am still completely exhausted by the end of the day and up until my recent surgery, have not have any narcotics to keep me wide awake in the middle of the night with nothing to do but reflect & write!

And so here I am again…one final and last cancer-related visit to the hospital. I just completed my final reconstruction surgery, along with a little hernia fix as a party favor. I have downplayed this last procedure because in light of everything else, this part is the trivial and superficial piece of it…the boob job.

While I haven’t been writing much, the words fill my head daily with new observations about my experience, my life and myself. I have struggled over the past month coming to terms with my new place in life, in this world. I had a terminal disease, I fought the terminal disease, and I am now cured from the “disease” but living with the terminal prognosis that we all have…LIFE. The idea of dying has never rested well with me. My fear of death is more pronounced than most people I know. I remember crying myself to sleep as a young child wrestling with the unfathomable concept of death and I’m afraid that 35+ years later, not much has changed.

Going through this experience smashes me right up to the cold, hard reality of mortality. The doctors, the therapists, my family and my friends emphasize how fortunate I am to have such a good prognosis. My chances of getting cancer again are less that 10%. And I am grateful. But now that the cancer is gone from my body, I can’t seem to get it out of my head. The fear of dying LONG before what I think should be my time haunts me.

Every day I think actively about what it means to live. What does it mean to die? What does it mean to make the living count? All the cliché questions are mine to honestly ask…and answer. What is my purpose? What is my contribution? What do I want? What kinds of memories am I creating for my children with the choices that I make? How does the idea of my premature death weigh on Jared and how he contemplates his future. I feel selfish.  I am selfish. I am trying to do what is best for me. But what is best for me? …if I am going to die... some day.

Sadly, I had the experience of explaining to my 6 year-old that one of her kindergarten friends passed away during Winter Vacation. The parents of all the students came to school to hold and comfort their child as the teacher shared news that in our culture doesn’t even seem possible. The death of a child. I have so often thought that I’m glad I’m the one facing serious illness because watching someone else in my family suffer would destroy me. The teacher shared a book about how every living thing has it’s own lifetime, with a beginning and an end and it’s the living in between that counts. I think of that little girl and how robbed she was of so much of her life. Then I think about how lucky she was to have the 5 years of living in between. I think how lucky I am to have had 38 years longer than she did…And I could play these number games in my head all day long as I try to comprehend, quantify, measure, embrace, navigate, understand what it means to have a full lifetime.

Sorry, this is getting too heavy for me. It’s time to crank up my ole favorite soundtrack from RENT and SING! I have always loved this song and I think it is just right for what I am feeling right now…How measure a year in the life?

If you don’t know the song…play it!

Seasons of Love

Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes How do you measure, measure a year?

In daylights, in sunsets In midnights, in cups of coffee In inches, in miles In laughter, in strife

In five hundred twenty-five thousand Six hundred minutes How do you measure A year in the life?

How about love?

Five hundred twenty-five thousand Six hundred minutes Five hundred twenty-five thousand Journeys to plan Five hundred twenty-five thousand Six hundred minutes How do you measure The life of a woman or a man?

In truths that she learned

Or in times that he cried

In bridges he burned

Or the way that she died!

It's time now To sing out Though the story never ends Let's celebrate Remember a year in the life of friends

[jennygamble]

Spring in December

Today marks my final day of chemotherapy. I can hardly believe that it is over and I hope that I never have to go through it again. I am feeling well! I am tired, achy, and weak but I can already feel the difference in my renewed energy. I feel like I get to make the choices now on how my body is going to feel, rather than waiting to manage the series of accosts Chemo made on my body.

There are little sprouts of hair growing out of my bald head, which reminds me how this year, spring has come early. The rebirth of my body and my spirit begins today. With so many of my physical cells wiped out, they all get to grow back new, healthy and strong. Cancer-free for certain.  

I am haunted by this experience. Those early days of waiting for a more specific diagnosis, were the darkest I know. I can still feel the noiseless vacancy of everything around me as the words of my diagnosis sucked away a part of my spirit forever. Gone are my naïve, but immortal feelings of freedom. Gone is my assumed guarantee for the future. Gone is the luxury and curse of placing too much value in the future.

But with this “new me” - that I am just beginning to put together - is a reinvigoration to live life more fully. Those who know me would say I have always done this, but my new challenge is to do it all more thoughtfully. When life got put through the sifter six months ago, the only thing that came out as important are my family, my dear friends, and the deep life experiences we all hope we live to experience. The moments all count and I don’t want to miss any of them by being distracted by the scurry, the rush, the preoccupations.

I don’t know yet how this new approach to my new lease on life will unfold. What I do know is that I have gained great strength by my cancer knock-down. I feel so loved and supported by all of those who have shown me what it means to have loving family and friends.  I feel so fortunate to have the ocean at my doorstep to help me heal and keep perspective.  I don’t know yet what to write or how to express my gratitude to all of those who have been there for me. All the calls, emails, notes, meals, gifts, text messages, books…every single gesture has been received with my deepest thanks.

In the meantime, I will enjoy this early spring with its budding growth and new possibilities. I am so grateful to be alive and filled with the ability to appreciate every day.

[jennygamble]

The force runs strong within me!

I’ve been in bed for several days now following my final round of chemotherapy. I feel like it is the sickest that I have been so far, but that is to be expected with its cumulative effect.

Wow…I am done with chemotherapy treatment! While I hate that I have polluted my body with toxins and hate that I have given up my body for the past three months to be subjected to whatever havoc chemo did to me; I can move forward knowing that I took the most aggressive approach to fighting cancer. I hope, pray, and beg God and the universe that I never get cancer again. I hope that I never have experience recurrence, as the daily fear from it will be enough to carry for the rest of my life. I can handle all that I have been given – the pain, the inconvenience, the vulnerability, the weakness, the guilt of how it has impacted my family, the wake up call that life is short.  But this is all I can handle right now. My spirit is too strong to allow my body to be overcome by cancer, my life is too young.

Feels too early to celebrate because I feel so beat up and tired. But as I lay in bed with the windows open, listening to the powerful wind blow through our room delivering fresh air from the ocean, I feel the strength of life strong within my body. I feel my achy body taking its rest with full intention of making a comeback soon. I feel my bones working to rebuild once again in the relentless and determined way that our bodies fight to survive. I love life. I love the power that it has to persevere, I love the capacity that it has to carry hope and possibility, I love how the force of life initiates and carries with it love itself, relationships, magic.  

Love, life, divinity…how am I so fortunate to have one of these beautiful lives and how can I hold onto it forever? Delilah’s little foot is swept across my legs as she cuddles into my side…what could be more magical than being nurtured by the very life I created. I want moments like these to last forever.

Sustain life. Preserve life. Prolong life. Fulfill life. Live life. All of it…I want to put myself back together and not miss a moment it.

[jennygamble]

And my bald partner and chemo buddy!!

[jennygamble]

More chemo buddies!!!

[jennygamble]

Neulasta shot...creepy!!!

[jennygamble]

[jennygamble]

Loving life with my girls!

[jennygamble]

Chemo buddy - my dear sister Gwenie!!