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[jeremy-potterscamander]

remuspotterscamander​:

“I know,” Remus said gently. Of course they would think it was normal at first. But this was becoming more and more apparent that it wasn’t just exhaustion. Exhaustion didn’t make you lose interest in nearly everything. “Like you said, the baby has been the only change. But sometimes babies change more than just sleep patterns.” And maybe with Jeremy’s anxiety, he was more susceptible to this sort of hormonal imbalance or something. Jeremy stayed quiet for a bit and Remus followed suit, having grown accustomed to sitting in silence with his husband lately, something that always made him a little sad. “Of course, Jer, whatever you want,” he said, not about to push the bath thing or anything else, really. If Jeremy wanted to just lay in bed for the rest of the evening, who was Remus to tell him not to? A small moment of relief flashed through him when Jeremy tucked himself under Remus’s arm, and Remus tightened it around him to keep him close. “There we go, see? At the very least, I got us a night with no crying,” he tried to tease gently. 

The last thing Jeremy wanted to think about/consider was that maybe Dahlia had brought some “darkness” of any sort into his life. He loved that girl, loved the idea of having a family with Remus. There was never a thought that she could be a negative in anyway until they laid there together, piecing things together and that hurt even more to think about. “She’s just perfect. Exhausting but perfect.” Jeremy didn’t want this to be how he viewed their first child. She wasn’t an issue, he had to be. “Thank you.” He mumbled as he closed his eyes and rested against his husband more. No one ever made him feel as safe as Remus did. Even now, when he felt at his lowest, he was right there to help him. “It is sort of nice to not even worry about the monitor.” He said quietly, draping his arm across his husband’s middle.

[jeremy-potterscamander]

remuspotterscamander​:

“Not if you’re trying to shrug it off as normal tiredness,” Remus pointed out carefully. If Remus was depressed, would he know or realize? Or would he try to come up with reasons for the change and move on from there? They hadn’t known different - he was pretty sure no one in their family had developed postpartum depression, at least not that he knew of. So why would they have even considered that? “You’re not pushing aside your sanity. You’re still sane,” he said, not wanting Jeremy to think there was anything more serious wrong with him. He just needed a little help getting hormones straightened out - which really shouldn’t have been surprising considering some of those hormones that came with a baby weren’t even supposed to be in his body in the first place. When Jeremy’s body language wasn’t exactly encouraging of the touch, Remus brought his hand back to himself, wanting to give Jeremy whatever he needed in the moment. He shook his head quickly at the question about being locked up. “Absolutely not. Best case, you just need some extra rest. Worst case, it’s this postpartum thing and they’ll give you some potions to help. No one’s locking you up,” Remus promised. He couldn’t imagine why they’d want to, but even if they tried, Remus wouldn’t allow it. He gave a soft nod when Jeremy said he didn’t know what he needed and that he didn’t have anything else to say. Remus wanted to wrap his arms around him and hold him, comfort both of them, but Jeremy didn’t seem all that into touch so Remus did his best to refrain and keep his hands to himself. “I’m sorry I ruined your bath. I could always draw another one, move forward with the spoiling and pampering plan?” He really had wanted to do all of that for Jeremy, it hadn’t just been to soften the blow of the conversation. 

“I’ve never felt like this. She was the only change, lack of sleep came with that. It’s normal to just think it was normal.” There was still a chance it was but he didn’t think depression of any sort was something he’d deal with. Jeremy dealt with anxiety but never depression and why would his baby cause that? He closed his eyes and the temptation to apparate away but where would he even go? It also wouldn’t even do much. He’d still be alone with his thoughts. At least on the bed they were together. He stayed quiet, nodding every now and then. Now he hoped that Remus was right and they wouldn’t think he was too far gone or something. Merlin only knew at this point where he was on their scale of...depressed. “You’re fine. You were trying to make me comfortable. I just don’t know if I’m in the mood to get back in? Now that I’m out, you know?” He shifted a bit on the bed, tucking himself under his husband’s arm. “I just want to lay here. Sort of nice not to think a cry could happen at any point.”

[jeremy-potterscamander]

remuspotterscamander​:

“That’s not on you, Jeremy. You’re too close to the situation to be able to see it. Me too,” he admitted. “I spent so long telling myself this was just normal new parent stuff but…that wasn’t helping you.” If anything, maybe it made things worse, gave Jeremy’s body more time to try to turn on him or whatever the fuck it was doing. “Please don’t be mad at yourself. None of that,” he said, mimicking Jeremy’s motions, “is your fault.” Why waste the effort being angry at yourself over something you couldn’t change or stop? He shrugged when Jeremy asked if there was a better way to bring this up. “I have no idea. Never done this before,” he said, finally taking a few steps into the room and sitting on his side of the bed. His hand reached out for Jeremy, fingers running softly over the skin of Jer’s arm, just needing to be close somehow. He listened as Jeremy talked about what he was or wasn’t feeling, wanting to just be an ear for his husband when he needed it. “Is there anything I could be doing to help? Take more of the weight of everything?” Remus couldn’t help but wonder. Maybe he needed to take time off to be able to be there more for his family.  “Or anything you can think of that would help you feel better? It’s also okay if you can’t always keep it together, you know. No one expects you or any new parent to handle things flawlessly.”

“I’m in my own mind enough. You’d think that would be reason to see if something was wrong.” He still wasn’t 100% sure anything was but this whole conversation made it seem like he needed to do some more reflection or something along those lines. “Not like we knew any different.” Lorcan and Dani maybe the two people they’d seen before they had Dahlia or Rachel had her son. They just didn’t have much to compare it too and that just show how maybe their age played a factor into all this. “Wanting a kid and then pushing aside my sanity? Seems like it is a bit.” He shrugged. He met the hand with some reluctance at first, preferring to curl up in on himself but knowing he probably shouldn’t completely shut down right then when Remus was obviously trying to be there. “They’re not going to lock me up or something, right?” He asked nervously, now moving the lay down but keeping within touching distance of his husband. “No. You’re doing great when it comes to work and baby balancing. I don’t know what I need. I wish I had more to say but I just don’t.” He hated that Remus was asking him to talk and he couldn’t or there wasn’t anything that was coming to mind. His mind was pretty blank. It was just going through the motion, some self doubt, and that was it. It wasn’t full of all the dreams and ideas he used to have. It was an odd switch but at the time, he didn’t think much of it to be honest. Again, he blamed the lack of sleep of a newborn’s parent on that but now it had been pointed out, he guessed it wasn’t so normal after all.

[jeremy-potterscamander]

Jeremy just hated that they needed to have this conversation in the first place. He should’ve been able to see problems himself and now it was just Remus pointing them out. “It still feels like this is on me for not seeing there was some issue.” Whatever the issue was, he genuinely didn’t know where this began or what he needed to do to fix it. “Because I’m the one who’s all,” he didn’t finish his sentence and just motioned to himself as a whole. He gave a small shrug as he glanced at Remus. “Is there a proper or better way to bring something like this up?” He asked, genuinely uncertain if there was a better way. Not like anyone could talk about getting professional mental health in any softer way. His eyes shut and he let out a frustrated sigh. “I don’t even know what I’m thinking or feeling half the time.” He admitted. “I’m going through the motions and trying to keep it together.” That was all he could do and that was beyond frustrating in itself.

[jeremy-potterscamander]

remuspotterscamander​:

Remus hated this. He hated that Jeremy was suffering, he hated that Jeremy was upset with him for trying to help. He just wanted things to be better for his husband, and while he’d had a feeling Jeremy would get upset with him initially, it didn’t make it hurt any less. He stood up quickly when Jeremy did and reached out to help him get out of the tub, though Jeremy managed all on his own. He let out a soft sigh as he grabbed his wand from the counter to get rid of the water and bubbles in the bathtub, hating that he’d ruined what had been a nice moment with them. But it would be worth it in the long run, right? As long as Jeremy got some help. Remus waited a few minutes, giving Jeremy his space while Remus stood in the bathroom, before finally deciding to finish off Jeremy’s wine for him. If he wanted more, Remus could pour him more. He set the empty glass down before finally heading out of the bathroom and into their bedroom. “You’re not messing anything up, Jeremy,” he said, pretty sure nothing he said was really going to matter right then but wanting to keep reassuring his husband anyway. He leaned against the door frame, hating how he felt like he couldn’t get close to his husband right then. “I don’t want you mad at me.”

Jeremy didn’t know what Remus wanted from him. It wasn’t like he could just say “yeah, you’re right” and call it there. He had feelings, he had self-doubt, and now he was beating himself up for getting to a point where his husband apparently thought things weren’t right with him. He wrapped himself up in some of his Puddlemere sweats, wanting to feel something holding onto him properly, and set himself down on the edge of his bed. “You’re asking me to go talk to someone about my mental health. Your dads have our daughter for the night to give us this time. I don’t consider that alright, therefore, I messed up. Or my brain has, specifically.” He stated matter of factly, almost deadpanned as he looked at his husband. “Did I ever say I was?” He asked, head cocking to the side. “I’m mad at myself. You had nothing to do with this.” He asked him to go see someone and that wasn’t exactly what anyone ever wanted to hear but he could’ve forced him, tricked him or something along those lines. “You’re upfront about it. Could’ve been much worse off.” He said as he moved towards his side of the bed and laid on top of the sheets. “Just tell me when and where I’m going, ok?” 

[jeremy-potterscamander]

remuspotterscamander​:

Remus wasn’t used to Jeremy snapping at him…or anyone, if he thought about it…and he tried not to be visibly upset about it. “You’re doing an incredible job with Dahlia,” he stressed again. “This is about me wanting to take care of you,” he specified. “That’s not what I meant,” Remus said quickly when Jeremy called him out on the use of the word ‘fixed’. “Can you honestly tell me that you feel like yourself right now?” he asked. There was no way Jeremy wasn’t aware that something was off with him. He was tired, disinterested in everything….even if Jeremy couldn’t see it for what it was, he had to know something was going on. He stiffened slightly at the ‘whatever’ and the small voice that followed and Remus felt lost, not sure if he should try to keep talking or just take this as a victory. Even this interaction had to make Jeremy realized that something was wrong, right? “I love you so much, Jer. Please know that I’m just trying to help.”

If this night was supposed to relax him, that plan needed to be tossed out the window. Now, he felt agitated and he didn’t have a place he could go off to. Jeremy had to just sit there and be told he was off. “You do!” Remus did plenty. It wasn’t his fault his body felt like it was giving up on itself. He wasn’t to blame for the lack of motivation. That was all on Jeremy and only he could fix that. He thought he’d been doing alright but that was also a lie he’d told himself. His eyes focused back on Remus and he wanted to glare and tell him off but he knew he was right. He couldn’t say he felt like himself. He felt like a very rundowned version with bits of himself poking through every now and then. He stood up, grabbed for whatever towel was closest and stepped out of the tub carefully. “I love you too. Sorry I’m messing this all up.” He swallowed thickly as he wrapped the towel around himself and began to move out of the bathroom. His stupid head was now apparently a problem, one more flaw for the books...

[jeremy-potterscamander]

remuspotterscamander​:

“Better than well,” Remus corrected. He frowned when Jeremy said he didn’t have anything going on but Remus and Dahlia, like that wasn’t enough. Even if it wasn’t, Jeremy still had his family, his friends, sure he didn’t have work but that had been Jeremy’s call because he’d wanted to be a full time parent. “He doesn’t think it’s the potions, no. This just happens in people who give birth sometimes. There’s no rhyme or reason for it, but it’s normal and it happens and it can be fixed. I just want to help you feel like yourself again,” he said, hating that this wasn’t going well. “Jeremy, no,” Remus said instantly when Jeremy tried to turn it around, saying Remus would have been back to normal. “My dad thinks it could be postpartum depression and I think he’s right. It could have just as easily happened to me if I’d been the one to have Dahlia. You have done so much for us and I hate that you’re feeling this way. I just want to help, Jeremy.” 

“Apparently not.” Jeremy snapped slightly. Again, if he had, they wouldn’t be having these talks and he wouldn’t have to sit there and be told by his husband that he wasn’t happy or he wasn’t himself. If things were fine, then Remus wouldn’t need to be trying to convince him to go see someone. So who was wrong in this situation? “Now I need to be fixed.” Because he was broken. Typical. The weak Jeremy Krum, only being weaker when he should be thriving.  The words hit him hard and he felt like Remus had punched him straight in the chest. “Whatever.” He eyes dropped and he fumbled with his hands in the water. “I’ll go.” His voice was barely there but it was what Remus wanted to hear.  If that was what Remus wanted, that was what Remus would get, like always.

[jeremy-potterscamander]

remuspotterscamander​:

Remus’s heart felt torn down the middle when he saw Jeremy’s eyes well up. He wanted to reach out, stroke Jeremy’s hair soothingly to remind him that he was there and he loved him and this was all coming from a place of love, but he wasn’t sure how touch would be taken right then. “I know you’re trying. I know it’s a lot. And you’re handling it like a bloody rockstar,” he assured the other. Jeremy was the strongest person he knew, which was saying a lot given who his family was. But he couldn’t have handled everything nearly as well as Jeremy was.  “I already told you I’ve got Dahlia tomorrow. You’ve got the time. And if you’re not going to talk to someone for yourself, do it for me? For Dahlia?” he pleaded gently. “I talked to Lorcan earlier, because I was worried that maybe this was all some side effect to his potions. I asked if they’d take Dahlia for the night so we could talk and so that you could get some rest,” he explained. 

“But not well enough?” Otherwise, why would Remus be worrying? He could say that he thought Jeremy was handling like a rockstar but this conversation was saying the opposite of that. Like he was just falling short and this was his husband’s way to trying to “soften” the blow. “Who would I even talk to? What would I even mention? It’s not like I have anything besides you and her going on.” There wasn’t more to look into than that. He was a dad, he was exhausted, things just felt heavier, that was it. “Let me guess, it’s not because none of the guys in your family have had this. I’m just the lucky one, right? The one who’s hormones get further messed up?” The sadness felt like it was shifting to anger. This was unfair. Jeremy was just living his life and doing the best he could and suddenly, that wasn’t good enough for Remus. “Because we all know if you’d done it, you’d be back to normal, physically and mentally.” His eyes rolled and he shifted in the water, suddenly over this night of buttering up only for Remus to tell him he needed to talk to someone.

[jeremy-potterscamander]

The more Remus spoke, the more his own heart broke. The words are his husband’s but he couldn’t help but wonder if he’d talked to someone else before this conversation. That meant Remus noticed something, went to someone else, talked about Jeremy without him being aware that those conversations were happening. He could’ve just come to him. Who knew that Remus though Jeremy wasn’t happy? Probably his dads. That was probably why this all was happening with Dahlia there and not home. His eyes welled up and he sucked his bottom lip in and his teeth dug into it. “I’m trying to get back. It’s just a lot with her.” He said after what felt like an hour. “I don’t have time to talk to someone. It’ll even out. Rachel did. I will.” It just took longer for some people, right? “Did you...did you talk to your dad about me? Is that why they took her?” What if Remus said something and Lorcan took Dahlia away? He needed her. That was his purpose now. Without that, what did he have?