jessfielding91 - Tumblr blog

[jessfielding91]

Relationships and Anxiety

Damn I did it again.

Last night I was on Facebook till stupid oclock again thanks to my full on anxiety and meltdown cos I said some stuff wrong to someone who I am seeing. When it’s good it’s incredible but at the the minute I am in this weird head space where my brain won’t switch off and I start thinking the worst. If they see this side of me they will run which they normally do I try and try and try to change overnight but I can’t. I expect miracles to work now but these things take time. 

The thing with me is I love being in a relationship but my anxiety hates it. It’s like two things trying to have a fight with each other and nobody really winning.It’s as if someone is saying: “yes you really like this person but you can’t cos they will hate your bad side. Just hide it for as long as possible. They won’t know.”  It usually ends up with me saying a comment or two and words get exchanged over facebook messenger. I then get hysterical and start saying stuff I don’t mean. 

This is a pattern that happens a fuck ton to me. I really like the person at first and then they realise I have this dark side to me: anxiety. They don’t want to deal with a clingy, possessive, needy girlfriend. They want someone fun loving and outgoing and bubbly. I am those on a good day but when I have bad days I feel like I am losing that one person so I get so needy and possessive to the point where it gets ridiculous. It gets to the point where they never text me, they don’t want anything to do with me and I end up blaming myself for the whole thing. I get insecure as to why I am the way I am and start doing stuff to try and get it out of me (self harm). I hate saying that I self harm as it’s not a good coping mechanism but last night tipped me over the edge. I was just typing and typing and my brain just wouldn’t switch off. It was going at 1000 mile an hour and I was shaking and crying, trying not to be too loud. I rang my Mam. She tried to help the best she could. I messaged a couple of other people and they helped a little. 

For some reason though when I get in these states I just can’t stop myself and it’s damaging to me and to the people involved. I hate having anxiety and I feel ashamed of having anxiety disorder. I put unrealistic expectations on myself cos I want to be the best and I want changes to happen quickly and now not in like 6 months time. People don’t want that. Not the people I deeply care about anyway. I want my thoughts to be positive not negative. 

Anyway I am thinking of doing this a daily thing. I am going to blog until I can’t be arsed 

[jessfielding91]

Hello Anxiety

Ahh hello anxiety 

We meet again. You like to sneak up on me when I least expect you to be here. You are like an old friend who is ever so annoying but likes to hang around too long. I hate how much I obsess cos your here and how much I hate you for saying I wish you weren’t here then at least I will be perfect even though perfection apparently doesn’t exist. 

I put too much pressure on me and other people. You like to just linger in the corner and tell me that I am worse than shit or tell me to send that text like twenty times in a row cos they haven’t replied back. It’s like I am fighting you everyday to try and be a normal brain. Normal doesn’t exist either. “Everyone is unique and different”. Yet why am I stuck in this negative cycle of thoughts, obsessions and irrational worries. 

It not only effects me but it effects my friends, family and all of my relationships. I get obsessed over the tiny thing that I call love. I get so insecure that I start googling weird shit like: how can I make my life better without anxiety. I have tried medication, meditation, breathing in and out, visualisation, listening to music, reading, distracting myself and talking to people as a distraction (even they get sick of me talking about the same shit over and over again). I am a mess and I tell myself that which I know isn’t good but I try everything. 

I have even resorted to self harming which I hate. I have been doing it for years. I feel like I repeat myself over and over again. I try to see things from everyone else’s perspective and I try so hard but I can’t sometimes. I blame myself for it all the time. Then the questioning happens again. I wish I could stop and change but I know that will never happen, not for a while anyway. 

I am waiting for that letter that I ever so need. My autistic assessment letter. Been wanting and waiting for it to come for so long. It’s a waiting game but I think it would make more sense of me as to why I am the way I am. It isn’t an excuse. People may think it is but for me it isn’t. It’s like every week goes by and the letter hasn’t come yet. I am just getting beyond impatient. I want to know now. It’s consuming all my thoughts and dreams. I want the answers that I ever so crave. I am either too slow or too fast for certain abilities. I have never been able to put myself into a box. I am just me, my mam always says. Your just slow everyone else says. Well why is it that even after ten years of not being at school the negativity I used to feel about myself still effects me to this day. 

Getting onto a bus is sometimes even a daily task I hate cos then the negativity starts again with comparing myself to my brother. He can drive, I can’t. He has a job I don’t. In my warped brain I think to myself I am not good enough even for my family cos I don’t do either of those. 

I feel like a burden cos you make me feel like that anxiety. You are the reason you hold me back. I don’t want to be defined by you but that’s just how it is. Yes I can think about all the positives in my life and think happy thoughts but you won’t let me. You start typing all these words and these words come out wrong. I try to speak but I try not cry and with all my power I try not to cry but my body just lets me cry. I FUCKING HATE YOU. 

PISS OFF ANXIETY

[jessfielding91]

September 11th through the eyes of a 10 year old

On September 11th 2001 I was 10. I was in year 5 and was at Greenfields community primary school at the time. I vividly remember coming home from school and my Mam and Dad had the news on. I sat down and I couldn't quite take in what was happening. I was shocked but never quite got it at the age of 10. I mean what kid does to be honest? I only remember the twin towers but don't remember the other two as I was only 10. I was thinking: “what is happening? Why are they doing this?”. I was thinking also: “What is Mam making for tea?”

But then again that’s the logic of a ten year old’s brain. She was probably chicken nuggets. With chips and lots of tomato ketchup. I mean yes this thing was happening and I was shocked but my attention span was probably thinking about what Barbie’s hair to cut off that day. Or what teddy bear to sing to. I am not being disrespectful here. It’s just my brain wasn’t fully grown at the age of 10. It was also like 6 days before my brother’s bday and I would have been jealous on the 17th cos he would be getting all the attention and all the presents and I wouldn’t be. So Mam had to get me something to not make me jealous and to keep me happy. The joys of sibling rivalry. 

I remember looking at the smoke and thinking: “wow there’s lots of it”. Then I thought about the people in both the buildings. Looking back I didn’t quite get the scale of how serious all of this was. I never knew what the word terrorist meant. I thought America was a big country. Not realising it was a continent. I just thought they were nasty, bad people to do that. I remember my Dad telling me he had been there like 30 odd year ago and how tall the buildings were. The devestation the people must have felt.

It may seem like I am being disrespectful on a day of mourning and sorrow but that’s just my memory of what it was like. Kids back then never had social media or the pressure nowadays. Ever since 9/11 I think we wouldn’t be in this mess we are in right now. I mean ten year old’s know what the word terrorist and what the phrase; weapons of mass destruction mean. We have facebook now. If Facebook was around 16 years ago it would be trending for like months afterwards. 

I hope you’s get what I am writing here. 

RIP to the victims of 9/11. </3.

[jessfielding91]

That feeling you get before you perform

Does anyone know that feeling

Before you get on stage

Before the lights hit centre stage

And it's all black

The audience is waiting in anticipation

You get the butterflies and stomach churning

Nerves really start kicking in

The lights come on and your on stage

For me there is no better feeling

Than that feeling you get before you perform on stage

I can't really describe it

That feeling before you perform

It's like adrenaline pumping through your body

It sort of takes over your whole being

You become a different person

Don't get me wrong it's nerve racking

but it means you care about what you are doing

And that can't be taken away

It's when you get on stage when the magic happens

You literally say or sing your lines and it's over in a flash

It literally all becomes a blur

It's as if time stands still

It's as if the world stands still

And the whole world is watching you

This is the feeling of a performer

You are on like a high after it

It takes some people ages to calm down from it

That does have its downsides

That's why some famous performers have to take uppers and downers

just to function

That's why some died early in their lives

But regardless the passion is there

And nobody can take that away

The best thing about it is

That it's not just you who makes these shows happen

Very often the tech people get over looked

They are the ones that make the show run smoothly

Then you have the runners, coffee, tea makers,

It's all together and part of a team

In fact the feeling of being on stage is intoxicating in itself

That's why it raises people's confidence

Reduces stress and anxiety

I know if I didn't have this sort of creativity in my life

I would be absolutely bored stiff

I have tried to be non creative and do regular things

But that just doesn't work for me

There is no better feeling

Then being on stage and performing

[jessfielding91]

sleep and paranoia

So I am typing this again whilst trying to sleep. I am typing this to try and help me sleep. To try and get my thoughts down so I can get a better nights sleep. The result if this is without a doubt too much coffee before I went to bed. I feel it in my fingers and bones. I feel it in my chest right now as I type this. Here I am hoping to just feel some sense of relief from literally everything going on inside my head. 

So how did it all start? Well I just felt so much anxiety before going to bed. Like as in someone or something was wanting to come out. It was like in my chest which I have not had since I was working at sainsbury’s. I got into a fight with my flatmate over me waking her up cos I was trying to plug a charger into my plug next to my bed. I tried to reach it but it didn't. Then this proceeded me for like ten mins of me trying to get it in and then getting my bed in the right position. She needed her sleep as did I. I was trying to chill out but I couldn’t cos all I could hear was banging doors and footsteps going downstairs. That’s when I went downstairs to investigate.

Everyone was sat down and I asked if everything was ok. Everyone who I live with said no especially my roommate who’s room is above me. We kinda got into a bit of an argument cos I was saying the laptop helps me relax and it chills me out before going to bed. Normally I just put on YouTube then I fall asleep. Not tonight cos of bloody coffee and hifi bars that I had. Everyone was saying I shouldn’t be allowed to have my laptop upstairs and if i want to use it I use it in the front room. I also got into an argument about finances and how I thought I had saved some money but I hadn’t. This money was for a holiday. They said that I was lucky cos I didn’t have to pay debts off or that I didn’t have to pay towards direct payments. This wound me up even more. I understand that I was kinda in the wrong but still I just felt like it was them against me. I tried everything in my power not to cry because if I cry it’s a sign of weakness in their eyes but for me it’s a sign of frustration. In their eyes: if I don’t get my own way I cry. It’s hard cos I am trying not to cry and that is the way I am. I am trying to change but I just feel like I am always going to be a 25 year old cry baby. Even as I write this now I am crying my eyes out. 

But yeah I went upstairs to try and just walk away to not cause any more arguments. It was then I did something stupid: I bit myself. Self harming isn’t a good coping mechanism and everyone knows I do it. I normally bite myself on the hand and punch myself in the jaw and/or head. This is where the spiralling started. It all just went a bit out of control from there. I even contemplated just ending it. Just thoughts though. I don’t think I would ever have the guts to do it in reality. 

First off I tried to just put YouTube on but for some reason I did the number one thing that was bad: Google Why am I bad to live with? It never came up with anything in particular so I tried a different search: Why am I a bad roommate? It came up with a few bits and bobs. I read a few pages and it said the usual stuff like: You don’t do any washing, you never pay any bills, that kinda thing. I knew that this wasn’t helping my anxiety at all. In fact it was making it worse. I then stumbled on a page on this wonderful website. The blog was called: I hate my roommate. I spent about an hour on there reading through all these posts and I was thinking the whole time: “God I hope I am not like this?” and: “I am not that bad am I?” This is when the paranoia was really setting in. 

I decided to switch the laptop off and somehow try to go to sleep. However my brain wouldn’t switch off. I was tossing and turning. No position was working. I heard someone else come in and then the dogs started barking. Everyone was all like happy to see them including the dogs. Everyone started talking and I could tell they were talking about me. My brain started thinking all sorts of scenarios. Ones that I wouldn’t have thought otherwise. I was thinking I was going to wake up with a note in the morning when I wake up saying: “We have had a discussion and we thought it’s best you leave this house. You have 24 hours to pack your stuff and find somewhere to stay for now.” I was crying when I thought of that one. Another one I thought of was I was just the worst person ever. I started listing everything in my head that is wrong with me. I just kept on thinking of scenarios in my head: Like me ringing friends asking if I could stay the night cos I was desperate and stuff like that. All of this shit was going on and on in my head whilst trying to fall asleep. I thought it was much later when I woke up and switched the light on. I looked at my phone and realised it was only 2:30am. How had it only been an hour? In my head it was much later. It always seems a lot later when you can’t sleep.

So I got up and contemplated what to do. I made the number one mistake again I used Google. I googled: having too much coffee before bed. It just came up with the symptoms. Didn’t really help much like. So I thought about my other options. Sometimes I rant into a webcam when I feel like this. Heck I made a documentary about it over six month. That was canny powerful. I could have written a poem about how I am feeling. I opted for the webcam at first but I realised that it does the 1 2 3 thing on PhotoBooth and I didn’t want to wake my roommate again. I muted it and tried to talk but it was lagging so much that I couldn’t do anything. That’s when I tried here. I typically forgot my password. I reset it again though. Then I started typing. I didn’t know whether it would be a poem or just me rambling. It has ended up me rambling. It is now 3: 21am in the morning and I can finally feel tiredness coming. Well I shall hope so. The palpitations have gone and now I feel a bit more relaxed. I am going to try and do some meditation or something to switch my mind off a bit more. 

So I hope you all sleep well. Goodnight.

Jess

x-x-x-x

[jessfielding91]

PIP Poem

PIP

PIP: Personal independent payment The disability benefit I guess it's personal But not personal in the good sense I guess it's independent but you have constantly got to say no offense   And as for the payment Don't even get me started Stress after stress banging at the door All you want to do is literally cry on the floor

Trying to get the right people on the right money One day it's raining the next its sunny Days of waiting, hours of uncertainty, months of anguish The sleepless nights worrying about how I would pay for this and that Then thinking I was such a twat cos I would have to constantly lend off everyone Thank fuck I had my mates My support network Apologies if I was ever a jerk Lending me a hand when I needed it Cos at times I was such a bitch

I mean, too some, I seem like I can work in a proper job I did for three years of my life But I was never picked for the team Always picked last For the simple reason being that I wasn't fast Not hitting targets Not hitting expectations But regardless of all that I am strong, creative and can come out on top

I always had that feeling that not a lot of people got me That I was an outsider, an outcast I don't like to dwell much on the past Cos I go on about it a lot I am trying to live for now And take each day as it comes Cos I know I can reach for the top Even if the bloody appeal letters kept on dragging me down

I sort of feel a weight has been lifted Yes it's only money and money isn't everything But it's a sense of grattitiude and that feeling of security I would just like to say thanks for helping me out And for me knowing that if I can get it then so can you

Keep on appealing It will get better And there will be days where you just want to throw in the towel And give it all up But don't cos it will get easier I promise The people in your life will support you I know mine did all the time It does get easier

[jessfielding91]

4 in the morning 

It’s 4 in the morning and I am at my mam’s house. I sneakily went downstairs and put the internet on just so I could write this on here.  I hate it when I have nights where I can’t sleep simply because I am anxious and  my mind tends to over think some shit over and over again. 

I mean heck I have tried everything to get to sleep: from relaxing, to trying to meditate, to trying to just block everything out. But it never works cos I put all this pressure on myself to sleep.

I just want my brain to switch off and want to be the perfect daughter and to be the perfect friend but sometimes when I get like this all I legit want to do is run and forget about the consequences. Even this I will proofread it until it’s perfect in my mind. I know what my weakness is: I try to do to many things at once. Trying to please everyone and trying to be there for friends and stuff when in fact I am barely there for myself. 

I don’t want to get too deep about my problems cos it will just all crumbling down on me and I will feel like crap. But in a way writing down how I feel will make me sleep better hopefully.  There have been many nights this year where I have cried into a webcam and poured my feelings out simply because I was having a bad nights sleep. 

Anxiety is strange about how and who it affects. It affects everyone differently. I am determined not to go on meds or even try counselling cos the way the NHS treats people with mental health: like shit. 

I am going to make it my aim to write on here everyday or at least when I can cos it’s a good thing to let off steam. 

Love Jess x-x-x-x

[jessfielding91]

Some Days

Some days you just can't be bothered Can't be bothered to do your hair Can't be bothered to get out of bed Can't be bothered to even face the world Sometimes we just get like that

Some days your bed seems more appealing Binge watching youtube videos all day and procrastinating until you've wasted a whole day Then you just think what the hell is my life

Some days you just come in from a hard day And the first thing you do is switch the laptop on Your in this state of limbo Cos all you seem to be doing is going on the laptop And not doing anything productive

Some days you just can't sleep All you can think about is that one thing Or just a bunch of things You end up saying stuff in the heat of the moment Then regret it the next day

I put myself down Literally tear myself down doubting myself, thinking  I should be perfect And not have the epilepsy, diabetes or severe learning difficulties thinking I should be this and that when I am never going to be

I just want to stop self harming Biting, punching, crying till it hurts It never ever works It's a vicious cycle of crying, saying sorry, then getting frustrated then self harming saying stuff you regret I want it to stop

Some days you just want to get out and see friends But you are always lacking money You worry if you are not fun to be around You worry if you say this wrong or that wrong Am I gonna please people But just remember that you are blessed You have your health, friends, family And people that love you

Maybe I need to tell this to myself Kick myself up the arse Do the things that I want to do And think fuck it I am me

I think I just need to look in the mirror and say to myself that you are a good person Jess You can do things You are brilliant You need to stop holding back and just accept yourself for who you are

There will be days where I will feel down I still get that on a daily basis What am I doing What can I do

I am a good person I know that but it's gonna take time I know that But I know I will get there

There are scars from the self harming They are part of me There are emotional scars too I cry, I am human I will love myself I can and will do this

When I get like that I am just going to grab my camera and just think fuck it I am good at this

And that's what I advice you's to do Just get out the house And just think yes I can do this You are you and you do you

[jessfielding91]

Starting a fresh

I am new to this. Not just new to this world of Tumblr but new to a way of life. 

I left my theatre company about a week and a half ago and the transition has been somewhat strange. I thought it would be easy getting up the day after and looking forward to a new future and a new way of life. I guess it’s a lot more difficult than that. I was with these guys for two years. I have plenty plans but I literally feel like I am grieving a loss or something. I feel like my whole life has changed. 

I made the decision to leave. I had it in my gut to leave for ages but couldn’t do it until 20th May on a bus ride home from my friend’s birthday. I thought I am going to do this. I thought don’t look back. When I sent it I felt a weird sense of relief and a sense of grief at the same time. 

When you leave something it feels so strange. It was part of my life and I hope to god I stay in contact with people. Yes I know I have things to look forward too and things will pick up but at the minute I am in a slump of anxiety, fear, depression and afraid to take risks. I do have a lot of low confidence and virtually no self belief but I am determined to do this. 

I am going to try and post on here every day as a sense of relief and for my own sanity really. I go to an anxiety support group. I just want to do well.

[jessfielding91]

Kaneda Records co-founder and artist, ako will be headlining the Black Studios stage of the Evolution Emerging event on the 23rd May in Newcastle-upon-Tyne. Expect complex rhythms, synthetic soundscapes, all with underlying nostalgia straight from the 80′s - performed using a broad range of electronic equipment, alongside visuals controlled by the music itself. Big things coming from this guy!

[jessfielding91]

New to this

Hey so I am new to tumblr. I ain’t got a clue how to use it but I reckon I can get my head around it I think. 

[jessfielding91]