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[jessicaandkamalei-blog]

It was a beautiful day. The sun was shining, everyone was out, the world was buzzing with endless possibilities… but my mind was a dark and desolate place. No ray of light was going to penetrate the wall of anger surrounding my mind, and my heart.

I never once believed that I would be betrayed. It never occurred to me that the one person I trusted the most would deceive me. She never really believed me when I said that I had nothing to do with her brother’s murder. She couldn’t look beyond the evidence that put me at the scene, even though all the other evidence said I was framed. She was never able to be passed my past.

Sure, it was sprinkled with some thugs and mafia leaders, and yes I had definitely killed people before, but her and her brother were like family to me. I would never so anything to hurt either of them… until now.

She had wanted to meet up, have a chat. I assumed she just wanted to go over the facts again, like we did every time we saw each other. I didn’t think anything over it. When I arrived, I realized how deserted the location was and was immediately on my guard. But even doing so didn’t prepare me for the feelings of hurt and disappointment I felt as she pointed that gun in my face.

I knew this was the first time she had threatened someone. She was shaking and holding the gun all wrong. There were tears in her eyes, and I wasn’t if it because she was thinking that she was going to regret was she was about to do, or if she had gotten herself all worked up about her brother, hoping it would give her enough courage to follow through. I disarmed her easily, holding the gun at my side unthreateningly. “Let’s think about this-“ I started to say, wanting to talk her down. She, however, was determined to get her stupid revenge, and I did what I had to.

She could have been sleeping, laying in the back seat of my car, a bullet wound in her head. It had been easy to knock the stupid girl to the ground and take the fatal shot. I was glad she didn’t beg for her life. I would have killed her slowly for it, and she probably knew it. No, she had just stared into my soul with a hatred so raw that it almost burned me. The drive to my old dump sight was a long one, and I started wishing maybe she would wake up and start laughing, saying it was a joke, a simple misunderstanding and we’d be able to turn around and go home… but she didn’t.

And so, I drove.

[jessicaandkamalei-blog]

To all the boys who moved on from me—Thank you. I can honestly say I never gave you anything, so that is what I got in return. I expected so much and gave so little. My ability to love was brittle. If I was a flower, I was wilted. If I was a sunset, I lacked the pink and the purple. If I was an ocean, my shore was always shallow. Don’t get me wrong this was also all of you. This was us. We did not try, because we knew we were destined to fail, and so we did. You moved on without a word and your replies began to fade. And I was left to wade in my confusion. Maybe if I was prettier. Maybe if I was more fun. Maybe if I was that other girl he’s always talking about. Maybe if I was anyone but who I am, He might have left me with a reason why rather than in silence. But instead I wondered, because I did not realize at the time that love is not just a feeling…its a choice. A choice we must choose everyday. And we certainly never chose each other. Call it lazy or lack of commitment or poor timing, but whatever it was thank you. For I would not have become who I am if I was left feeling for any you. Despite the wondering, it was all worth it, because I now know what I’m worth. And it’s a lot more than what we gave each other. So now I want to choose to love someone every time the sun sets, and I want to be chosen whenever the sun rises. That was not any of you. So I guess that’s okay—we’ll all have our everyday, one day.

Poem by Jessica

Photo by Kamalei

[jessicaandkamalei-blog]

As the Moon appears in the sky tonight I sit back and wonder what it thinks of us.

What does the Moon think when he gazes down on the human beings of earth, scurrying around, creating things, destroying things, loving things...

Does it think we are an infestation?

Or perhaps we are nothing more than a passing thought, not even worth dwelling on.

Do you think the Moon gazes at us longingly, wanting to touch us, to learn from us, to explore our world?

Do you think the Moon thinks like us?

When I look up at the sky tonight I see a moon ready to blossom, surrounded by timid stars, stars that shy away from the lights of the city; but not the Moon.

No, the Moon is too bright, too powerful, too proud to let artificial light outshine it’s glory. The Moon would never allow such a thing to occur. 

Do you think the Moon wants us to be better? Wants us to be bright, and powerful and bold?

As the Moon appears in the sky tonight, I sit back and wonder, ‘What do you think of us?’