jessiisa - Tumblr blog

[jessiisa]

little sister,

you know when mothers shield their children from the world?

they are scared that their children will get hurt.

i think our mother tried that.

you know how i take us on drives and tell you about the world?

i am also scared you will get hurt.

not by the world, but by our home.

by our mother.

[jessiisa]

the first time you tell your mom you want to kill yourself it’s in a fit of rage because you don’t understand how she can tell you to get a better grade when all you want to do is end your life.

the first time you tell your mom you want to kill yourself you are too busy screaming and the tears blur your vision too much to see that your mom gets a look in her eyes you have never seen before.

the second time you tell your mom you want to kill yourself it’s disguised in a joke. this time you do catch the look in her eyes but it’s just as soon replaced with disapproval and a chiding tone.

the third time you tell your mom you want to kill yourself it’s on your bathroom floor. the third time you tell your mom you want to kill yourself is the first time you’ve seen your mom cry. the third time you tell your mom you want to kill yourself you are too far gone to hear your mom tell you she’s sorry for the first ever time.

the fourth time you tell your mom you want to kill yourself it is early in the morning. you had thrown up all night and your mom still tsked at your lack of “drive” to do well in school. the fourth time you tell your mom you want to kill yourself you are pulling down your long sleeves and holding back the bile rising in your throat. you don’t know if the bile is from the bottle of advil or from the idea that you still have to live another day.

the fourth time you tell your mom you want to kill yourself you are calm. the fourth time you tell your mom is the first time she listens. it is the first time in a long time that your mom looks at you in a gentle way.

the first time you felt your mothers unconditional love was at the worst time in your life.

your mother tells you she doesn’t want to see you hurt anymore (even though she has hurt you the most deeply)

your mother tells you she wants her little girl back (even though she is the one who killed her)

but

you accept it.

your mother says she won’t let the world hurt you and you let yourself believe it.

[jessiisa]

i hate myself. i’m so angry and upset over irrational and trivial things. my emotions are so intense and overwhelming i can’t think or function. i hate myself.

[jessiisa]

what do i want? why am i upset, with you? with me? with life? why can’t i just be satiated with what i have. why can’t i accept the good, ever?

[jessiisa]

do you ever feel like your mom would love you more if you just liked boys, or life would be easier for your girlfriend if you were born a boy and maybe if you were less mentally ill your friends and family wouldn’t look at you like you were something that they felt sorry for, do you ever feel like it doesn’t matter if you’re there or not because the world doesn’t revolve around you? do you ever feel like ur suffocating because you wish you looked like the pretty asian girls? do you ever feel like your sinking because everyone around you is so much smarter and you’re falling behind? do you ever feel like maybe if you were prettier or smarter your mom would love you the way she used to?

[jessiisa]

am i enough for you? am i ever enough for anyone?

will you leave me like everyone else? am i just a freak?

[jessiisa]

I don’t want this feeling to come back.

This suffocating aphathy and longing to cry.

It hurts. This hurts. Does anyone care? Do you care?

Probably not. I don’t even care if you care. I just wish you would. I wish someone could actually love me.

They all leave. One way or another, I find that no one has a love strong enough to want to stay with me. To want to work it out. Why did you have to kill yourself? Why couldn’t you have told me? I would’ve been better. No one else loves me. Not like how you said you did. But obviously, not enough for you to stay for me. I’m sorry. God I’m so sorry.

[jessiisa]

all of you “loved me so much” so why tf do you keep leaving why why why I love you I loved you I just wanted to feel safe I can’t trust love anymore

[jessiisa]

why does my world have to depend upon her like this?

[jessiisa]

you don’t understand. I really tried this time, I really tried. This is as good as I can do and I still failed

This is as good as I’ll ever do and it’s not enough

[jessiisa]

I can see why I used to be bullied lol.

I can’t stand the way I look.

I don’t understand why I have friends or why people put up with me.

I hate myself

I’m a waste of space.

[jessiisa]

i hate myself. god its so hard to pretend that i’m confident in my body and personality. I can’t even look in the fucking mirror for too long without breaking down. I look disfigured. I feel like everyone looks down on me, judges me for how i look and act. Im never enough for anyone. im absorbed by this longing for perfection, im scared it’s unreachable, and never will i be rid of the hunger to be the best. if im not the best im nothing, im nothing if not the best.

[jessiisa]

stopstopstopstopstopstopstop

[jessiisa]

We had nothing to lose.

the power from feeling needed without any risk on my behalf, it’s intoxicating.

the rush from the push and pull, the passion that bloomed from pent up emotions in the absence of love.

Mimicking love, using one another to distract from the debilitating feeling of helplessness.

Grasping and pushing one another as a means to stay above water. Something that only ends in a quicker descent.

There was no risk of feelings, no risk of hurt or guilt, because we were using eachother as a way to feel alive, since it seemed the feeling of truely living was constantly slipping farther away.

We couldn’t care about anything, nonetheless eachother. Lying to ourselves that this is what love is, pretending that the temporary rush of lust was anything but.

We is a funny word.

We never really talked enough for me to know if any them truely loved me.

Or, I guess I never truely listened.

I say we when i didn’t even see them as people. They were nothing more than a unhealthy distraction from my loss of meaning. Nothing more than something to try and fill the void that stood where my motivation should’ve been.

So, I guess they don’t deserve to be grouped with me. They never chose to be part of a “we”. I put them there and used them. Justified my actions by projecting my feelings onto them.

But you. You chose to be apart of my, “we”. I chose to be apart of yours. And maybe this is karma for all the others i forced to be apart of my “we”, because now you’re not filling a void, you’re helping me build a bridge.

The only person who chose to be apart of my “we” left me.

[jessiisa]

you aren’t on a pedestal and you aren’t intangible. You make me feel real. Safe. But that is quite possibly simultaneously the scariest fuxking thing. I haven’t loved since her. What if the way I love will only end in hurt? What if I hurt you? What if you leave? What if once again I’m left with no safety, once again getting no relief from the debilitating fear that plagues my mind?

[jessiisa]

grief is not as poetic as fiction makes it out to be

[jessiisa]

I hurt everyone i fuck up everything what if I fuck up this too i don’t think i could keep going if i hurt you. you deserve someone better than me someone who can give you everything but i just can’t let you go.