jesswritesablog

[jesswritesablog]

2010. i learn to love and deal through a heartbreak for the first time. i am left with emotions i never understood how to process, as i am taught to be tough and just deal with it. i have come to fully accept that my disability is a part of who i am. 

2011. i have a solid group of friends that i am still mostly in touch with to this day. i challenged myself to stop being shy. i graduate and i pack for a new chapter in slo. sheltered me takes a shot of vodka for the first time, and initiates a different side of me.

2012. i continue to do horribly in school, no matter how hard i study. someone said to my face, how can you major in biochemistry if you can’t even pass this general chemistry exam? that lit a fire in me, and i never looked back. 

2013. i meet a new boy. but my mom hated this boy. we didn’t talk for months and it ruined my relationship with her. it broke my heart and really affected my grades. it was one of my lowest points, and i didn’t even know at the time. 

2014. i use to think that relationships contribute to my happiness, but i learn that i must be happy on my own first, alone. i knew in my gut we would not last long, but i never told him and continue to date him for another year. i am finally taking the core classes i enjoy and my grades improve significantly. i make it to the dean’s list.

2015. i deal through another heartbreak again. i rekindle friendships i disregarded during my relationship. i get my mcat score back, and i hated being a premed even more. i had no backup plan. i decide a gap year was wise. i end college with even stronger friendships. i sign up for my first half marathon. 

2016. i struggle to look for entry-level jobs and got a mediocre job that came with an amazing location and one of my new best friends. i reserved my heart for a dear friend from college. i explore san diego as much as i could. i decide to pursue a phD and as a start, i get into a masters’ program in portland. 

2017. i never felt so lonely in a new city. i feel isolated in my program, and i cry on the phone numerous times about my PI. i feel worthless, but i grew stronger from it. i get back in touch with an old high school friend. we explore all of portland, and complete the 7 wonders of oregon. 

2018. i get an indirect acceptance to a school only to be rejected due to numbers. i get into UCD and start my phD program early with my dream lab. i go to yosemite and hike the half dome. i meet and hang out with the best people during the summer. i never felt more at home. i complete the 52 hike challenge. i dated said dear friend. he says he waited for this for six years, but realizes he could not accept me for me. now this was a real heartbreak. 

2019. i keep myself busy with work, and never wanted to be in the same town as him. i fly out of town five times. my friends and i started really working out. i realize the gravity of the situation. it never served me to begin with, and i let go. it was in this moment that i truly felt comfortable in my own skin. i took care of myself more. i meet a new boy and i never want to stop learning about what makes him, him. i get ready for my qualifying exam.  

[jesswritesablog]

feeling things i never thought i would expect. what a beautiful thing it is to open your heart again.

[jesswritesablog]

then one day, it finally hits you.

[jesswritesablog]

my feelings fluctuate every. single. day.

what used to work for me does not work today. 

it’s better to face moments and feelings and experiences head on

while also making sure to let it never consume you

save a piece of yourself always for 

you have your life, i have my life

then there’s our life. maybe. 

in the end, it’s just myself and i 

[jesswritesablog]

life is stupid crazy. it throws curveballs left and right, but i am so here for it. i just got back from music festival feeling quite toasted and exhausted, but also so content and full of love. 

[jesswritesablog]

not sure how i would have survived 2019 if it wasn’t for my lab. i’m glad i chose to work with this group for the next 4-5 years and i would choose them again over and over. 

[jesswritesablog]

“I just want to say something here first. you are so cool. do you know that? you’re one of the nicest girls i met. and can i be really transparent here? i had a crush on you last quarter.”

-a conversation with a boy over beer

[jesswritesablog]

things do get better in time. it’s hard to remember that when you’re in the middle of it all but here are some things i can now see with clarity:

-the gravity of the situation is alot bigger than i thought it was the more and more i talk about it. but i am bigger and better than this situation.

-you realize who your truest friends are, and those who are just nosy.

-being open and vulnerable is terrifying, but man oh man can you grow so much from it.

-breakdown to get a breakthrough.

-some days, you feel unwanted feelings. don’t ignore it, allow yourself to feel and process it. 

-some things are better let go. 

[jesswritesablog]

i am giving myself the time and space i need to heal as a whole again. no one else’s feelings will define this process. i don’t know how long this healing process will take, and that is okay. 

[jesswritesablog]

“She’s warm, calm, and she just makes sense. She’s got that fierceness in her eyes, but also sweetness in her eyes. She’s a nice human being with layers of logic and emotional security.”

-a boy’s text about me to my roommate

[jesswritesablog]

the whole time i’ve been looking, it’s been for myself. everything’s waiting from within.

[jesswritesablog]

[jesswritesablog]

“No matter what you face this year, God will be doing 10,000 things in your life that you cannot see. Trust him. Love him. And they will all be good for you.”

— John Piper

[jesswritesablog]

Healthy New Year's Resolutions That Don't Involve Weight Loss

Rather than focusing on losing weight in 2019, let’s think about what we can gain. What can you add to your life to make it more satisfying? What new practices would make you happier and feel better? Consider some of these healthy resolutions for the new year:

Get more quality sleep

Eat vegetables at every meal

Wash your bed sheets regularly

Meditate

Spend more time outside

Actually eat your fruit before it goes bad

Get back in touch with old friends

Bring your own bags when grocery shopping

Don’t watch tv or use the computer during meals

Support local farms and food producers

Take vitamins

Learn to knit or sew

Stretch and improve your flexibility

Volunteer to register voters

Concentrate on improving your posture

Make doctor and dentist appointments regularly

Cook and prepare lunch instead of relying on processed foods

Replace your toothbrush

Clean your kitchen and dishes after each meal

Stop biting your nails

Compliment someone every day

Regularly donate unworn and ill-fitting clothing to a local shelter

Wear sunscreen every day you’re outside

Clean your pantry and throw out expired food each month

Quit smoking

Explore local museums and parks

Put your laundry away

Get an eye exam and update your prescription

Cut down on the amount of plastic you use each day

Re-try foods that you hate, but haven’t eaten in years

Delete a social media account

Moisturize and remove your makeup before going to bed

Attend town hall meetings

Keep a journal

Floss

Focus on changing your behavior instead of changing your body, and then every step will be a step forward.  

[jesswritesablog]

[jesswritesablog]

[jesswritesablog]

via weheartit