I found some old unfinished drafts. Let me know your interpretations.
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bully: thatâs me in my regalia when i was little
hops: OHHH thatâs so cute. this is me in my dadâs t shirt when i was like five
louis: this is so touching. i wish i had been a child
hops: What
louis: i was never shorter that five feetâŠsimilar to a baby doe?
bully: excuse me What the Fuck
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Man 1500 years ago: Let me sleep with this woman or I will die.
The rabbis:
(Link to tweet here)
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Hey!! Whereâs my Tonight Show with Adam Birkholtz AU????Â
So Holster gets his start on SNL and immediately becomes the Musical Impression guy. The running gag is that he impersonates people he looks nothing like but somehow everyone knows EXACTLY who he is
itâs eerie, almost, and people assume that someone else is doing the impersonation and they just dub his voice in so one night for the cold open he has to run through every impersonation heâs done on the show just to prove he can do it
think of him kind of like jimmy fallon mixed with andy samberg because YOU GUESSED IT he does lonely island-esque shorts
Then, one fateful week, Justin Oluransi, grammy award winner and overall beautiful man, performs his newest single (THATS RIGHT, HEâS A NON APPROPRIATIVE JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE)
He was 100000% in a pop boyband with Jack, Kent, and Tater when they were teenagers
they all went solo after ~drama~ occurred and jackâs got a singer/songwriter/aka Hozier vibe, kent is pure pop, ransom has a pop/r&b vibe. tater runs the label theyâre all signed to.
Musical guests will sometimes do a sketch so Ransom and Holster do a Blues Brothers homage
ransom is belushi (complete with cartwheel)
holster is aykroyd (complete with dancing)
the big difference is that itâs a really top notch musical performance because theyâre both great singers so holster does more than just say âsoul manâ in the background and ransom breaks out some choreo from his boyband days
all in all itâs a huge hit because lbr it would be hilarious
When Ransom releases his next album he comes back to host and thatâs when things really pick up
he does sketches with other cast members but itâs clear that he and holster have this incredible chemistry
they sing Dick in a Box and the world is forever changed
Ransom just kind of keeps showing up a la Justin Timberlake? Like he appears throughout the seasons to continue the Motherlover/3-Way: The Golden Rule (with Lardo as lady gaga) trilogy and is consistently in sketches with HolsterÂ
Meanwhile, itâs super fucking obvious that Ransom and Holster are friends outside of this. Theyâre always on each otherâs instagrams, TMZ spots them together, they sing Dick in a Box at one of Ransomâs showsÂ
Then Holster leaves SNL to host The Tonight Show and SURPRISE, Ransom is his first guestÂ
sidenote!! Holster does the celebrity games with his guests and music is HUGE so you bet your ass wheel of musical impressions is utilizedÂ
he does an AMAZING Ransom impression that only a few people have seen but most people have heard about and itâs the stuff of mysteriesÂ
Jack even agrees to come on the show because Ransom is there and they have a little reunion performance of their boiband hitz
then, in the interview with holster jack actually talks about anxiety and how itâs affected his life and itâs an interesting shift because itâs a serious interview in the midst of this fun quirky showÂ
again, Ransom and Holster are still plastered all over each others social media and do Bro BikingÂ
When Holster hosts the Golden Globes this happens pretty much verbatim
Then, one week, Ransomâs on the show even when he doesnât have an album coming out. everyoneâs interest is piqued because thereâs no actual reason for ransom to be there so they assume theyâre going to do a funny sketch or something just to fill time. then ransom comes out and he sits down for an actual interview.
H: so what did you do this weekend?Â
R: oh, I got married.Â
The crowd: âŠâŠâŠâŠâŠâŠ.???
H: holy hell! congrats!!
R: thanks, Iâm really happy, I know I hadnât formally announced that I was even dating anyone, but Iâve been in a relationship for years and Iâve wanted to marry them pretty much since the day we metÂ
H: you know, this is pretty crazy. I also got married this weekend.Â
The crowd: ?!!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!
R: what??? Wow!!!Â
H: do you want to see a wedding pictureÂ
R: definitely
then a picture of them under the huppah appearsÂ
SURPRISE MOTHERFUCKERS, THEYâVE BEEN IN LOVE THE ENTIRE GODDAMN TIMEÂ
after that they donât perform Motherlover in public anymore because itâs kind of weird but you bet your ASS they do Dick in a Box and The Golden Rule every chance they get
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iâm here for the jews that donât feel jewish.
for the jews that donât look jewish. who are torn between rejecting or embracing a stereotype that never fit them in the first place.
for the jews who donât speak hebrew. who fumble over prayers or canât remember the last time theyâve stepped foot into a synagogue.
for the jews who donât keep kosher. who text on shabbat. who love cheese burgers and especially bacon.Â
for the jews who have just converted. who feel out of place. who find themselves lost during services, overwhelmed, and unsure of who to ask for help.
for the jews of color who constantly feel othered. who have their jewishness scrutinized and their opinions dismissed. who deal with antisemitism outside of their community and racism within.
for the jews who are patrilineal. who feel like they constantly have to prove their jewishness. who are looked down upon and shunned for something completely beyond their control.
for the ethnic jews who grew up detached from culture or religion. who never got to have a bar mitzvah. who have to google the meanings of holidays and prayers. who learn about their own people from wikipedia pages.
for the disabled jews who canât participate in services. for the lgbt jews who wonder if hashem still loves them. for the atheist jews who struggle to connect.Â
for any jew who has ever doubted their jewishness.Â
you are important, you are not alone, and you belong in this community.
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anyways i hope that iâm the first to do this
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Did⊠DC just acknowledge Supermanâs distinctly Jewish origins? Am I dreaming?
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I am so sick of the âare Jews whiteâ speil.
Not only because the premise erases Jews who are never white and never pass. But also because it erases a very fraught border for many Jews who are white or white-passing or whatever. These Jews have access to the benefits of whiteness at least some of the time. Maybe even most of the time! But that doesnât mean antisemitism isnât racialized.
Jewish features are called such, identified as such, and harped on as such because of ethnic phenotypes common to this ethnoreligious group. Jews have been mocked, excluded, and persecuted because even though many were white-skinned, they werenât considered white enough, based on phenotype and ancestry and ethnic point of origin. Itâs entirely predicated on white supremacism. Thatâs racism.
In fact, the Nazis of old and alt-right and neo-Nazis today despise Jews precisely because so many of us muddy the border between white and not-white. This makes them and their white identity feel threatened. This is why they were shouting in Charlottesville âJews will not replace us!â
This means that Jews who are white both benefit from white privilege and suffer under white supremacy at the same time.Â
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So I saw a fic the other day with Jewish Tater and holy hell did it set off an intense train of thought.Â
Like the story was fantastic, and the thing that got me was that Taterâs dad was a Rabbi. While not impossible, it would be incredibly rare.
So that got me thinking, what if he had a more common story.
Under a cut because this got WAY more personal and long-winded than I intended
Keep reading
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More Jewish Tater headcanons because Iâve started digging this hole and canât stop! Todayâs episode features: Russian New Year!
(follow up to this but this oneâs a lot more cheerful)
Keep reading
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I have a friend whoâs interfaith Jewish-Muslim, so of course a lot of people like to make their own dickish assumptions. And most of them will go to her and and just be like âSoooo youâre Jewish AND???? Muslim???? Whatâs that like?âÂ
And every single time she just looks right at them and goes âWell itâs a lot of fasting. Way too much not-eating.â
So my point here is, Jewish-Muslim Nursey.
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shoutout to n for the lil hanukkiah in the bg for the holster pic
look at this baby jewish bro i love him
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Ngozi unlock all the Jewish characters challenge
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@jewishomgcp
So Iâm terrible about actually writing fic but in honor of the first night/day of Chanukah hereâs my headcanon of SMH playing dreidel.
Itâs a train wreck. The only reason it isnât banned in the Haus like most other games is bc they play it once a year and you canât have a Chanukah party without playing driedel.
Jack and Holster are super competitive and rub it in everyoneâs faces whenever they get gimmel.
Nursey is that one person who no matter how hard he tries canât seem to get a good spin on the dreidel.
Dex got bored five minutes into the game and started eating his gelt to the horror of Holster.
Bitty straight up abandoned the game to go check on his pie and has to get dragged back into the room every time itâs his turn so he can spin.
He doesnât even wait to check what it is after spinning heâs just gone. Jack is stuck having to collect his winnings or put one in. Heâd prefer to quit and let his boyfriend have his gelt but Holster had a rules hissyfit and so heâs stuck playing until heâs out of gelt naturally. He keeps hoping for shin but keeps getting nun and hay.
Farmer is one of those people who can spin the dreidel on its head and she proceeds to do it every time itâs her turn.
The first time she did it play stopped for a good ten minutes because everyone needed to be taught how to do it. Holster already could and Ransom learned freshman year, but the rest of them are useless at it. Jack tries so hard but he can only get it occasionally and he totally sulks about it.
It was during this interlude that Bitty first tried to leave and was forced to stay.
Chowder has spent the entire game wrapped around Farmer who is almost as competitive as Jack and Holster but keeps getting distracted by how comfy her boyfriend is.
He and Lardo are just watching since they donât want to get caught up in the drama and eventual fight between Holster and Jack.
Plus he doesnât like the way the chocolate tastes/feels in his braces so heâs okay not winning any.
Chowder and Farmer are adorable and initially they kept getting fined which was okay since during the game a fine is just putting a coin in the middle. Farmer won it all back on her turn anyway.
They had to stop using that rule however when Bitty tried to exploit it to get out of playing. It was the most sickening and impressive two minutes anyone had ever experienced as Bitty called Jack every pet name in the book while sitting in his lap and staring Holster dead in the eyes and slowly putting coin after coin in the center.
Holster wouldnât let him get out of playing but he did finally relent and let him check on his pies in the kitchen when it wasnât his turn.
Tango spends the entire game asking what the different letters mean every time its his turn. The amount of times he has had it all explained to him is truly frightening. Holster canât tell if heâs being trolled and at this point he doesnât want to find out.
Whiskey is doesnât talk throughout the game and spins quickly on his turn and is that person who always seems to get gimmel or hay no matter how badly he spins.
Shitty at some point decided to play strip dreidel without telling anyone he was doing it or letting anyone except Lardo know the rules.
According to her heâs doing things correctly but the rest of them canât tell.
Ford is the one who bought everything and sheâs having fun playing but sheâs come to realize that she did not buy enough gelt or driedels.
Thank god Lardo showed up with a bag of two dozen plastic driedels and a bag of gelt bigger than both of her fists. Otherwise there would have been an issue when Whiskey got gimmel for the third time in a row and Holster chucked the dreidel across the room and proclaimed it a âbullshit dreidel.â
This has happened around half a dozen times by the time theyâre halfway through the game. Holster is not the sole person responsible for needing a new driedel though. Jack has also thrown driedels and there was that one spin of Nurseyâs so bad that the driedel went off the table and theyâre still not sure where it went just that itâs gone.
Thank god Lardo talked her into leaving the nice one she brought from home on the kitchen table with Jackâs menorah and the leftovers of the obscene amount of latkas Bitty and Holster made for dinner. She rather likes it and itâd suck if it got broken in the scuffle.
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