jfcmatilda

[jfcmatilda]

Absolutely. Don’t worry, it’s not like I’ll need a new roommate any time soon.

Remind me never to be your roommate.

[jfcmatilda]

Anything, really. Except country. Yeah, fuck country music.

Yeah it does. I was just kidding though, so it’s nothing to worry about. What music do you like?

[jfcmatilda]

Alright. And if you, like my roommate, are a whiny little baby, I don’t think I’d like you as a friend, either.

You’re the type of friend I don’t want. 

[jfcmatilda]

Yeah, that’s true. Positive thinking - I like that. He probably won’t be thanking me any time soon, though.

My mom changed the Netflix password on me once because I wasn’t doing anything else with my life.. he’ll probably thank you, in the long run.

[jfcmatilda]

It’s his Netflix, actually. I’ll change it back, though. Or, at least tell him the new password. It’s just for, like, a day. 

Well..I mean…Maybe he shouldn’t have been using your Netflix in the first place. It’s only fair for you to do that I think.

[jfcmatilda]

Please say you’re not moving out over the pizza rolls. That would be a bit extreme.

Who knows if it’s even worth it. I’m moving out anyway so. Maybe I’ll deal with one missing pizza roll.

[jfcmatilda]

It’s his account, actually. He pays for it. We live in the same house, anyway, why would he buy his own subscription?

Is your roommate so cheap that he won’t buy his own Netflix subscription?

[jfcmatilda]

I could go into detail about my roommate and this weird roadrunner/coyote-esque relationship we have, but I think I’ll hold off on that. For now, anyway. 

I mean, yeah, there’s got to be a reason that you’re still roommates with the guy if you’ve drugged him. I mean, that’s a bit extreme. Criminal, even. You’re wild – how does your roommate keep up with you? How does anyone keep up with you? 

[jfcmatilda]

Then tell him that. Be like “Hey, man, you’re absolutely great, but my pizza rolls are special to me, aight?” Except, you know, nicer. I guess.

I like my roommate, he can have mostly anything of mine, but there are some foods that are too close to my heart.

[jfcmatilda]

Fine. Can I wish for a cloning machine?

Nope — no more genies, no more wishes, otherwise that’s cheating and you’re disqualified. Three wishes. Go.

[jfcmatilda]

He was just being really whiny, and pissy. Last time he got like this, I spiked his coffee with codeine, okay? This is me being nice. But, I mean, this is the way we work with each other, you know? I knock him out and change his password, he locks me out of the house for a night and threatens to call the cops on me. At the end of the day it’s all just water under the bridge, though.

Okay, so he didn’t sleep with anyone, he’s not a loner because he has you and he’s annoying? But you take his Netflix password? What did he do? I feel so bad for your roommate. But I guess you’re not pure evil. But Netflix is like life blood to people these days. Like if someone changed my Netflix password… I mean, I’d probably ask my dad to like, buy me a new account. But I’d be really mad for a few hours. As mad as I can get. 

[jfcmatilda]

I know, but shes the one who sang the line. Iggy’s the realest, Nicki’s the queen - does that work? 

I wonder why. Almost, but not quite. You forgot to giggle. Plus, Iggy Azalea sucks, you should know better, Matilda. Nicki Minaj is the realest. 

[jfcmatilda]

Everyone looks a psycho in a club, that’s what makes it fun. Or, maybe you’re one of those people who actually does get really good at dancing when they’re drunk. You know, maybe.

No! I will not dance, I’ll look like a psycho. They do a lot of leaping and stuff, that is best for a dance studio rather than a club. It wasn’t really a compliment but whatever, I’ll go with it.

[jfcmatilda]

That’s not even the worst I’ve done, but I’m glad you appreciate it nonetheless. Thank you.

That’s probably the best revenge plan I have ever heard of in my entire life.

[jfcmatilda]

Yes. You’ve never met my roommate before, obviously. 

“Do you really think that that would actually faze him?”

[jfcmatilda]

I’m sorry, what would you have preferred I done? Because, clearly, my little plots of revenge must measure up to meet your standards. Absolutely- of course. My bad. 

Changed the Netflix password? Damn, you really showed him. I’m sure he’ll never bother messing with you again. Absolutely savage.

[jfcmatilda]

Why don’t you just be like, “Hey man. Stop eating my shit. Alright, bye.” I think that may be simpler, actually.

“I don’t want to come off aggressive to my new roommate and start labeling my food but if I come home to no pizza rolls one day I may die. And labeling is a small price to pay for continuing to live, no?”