jfrantz37 - Tumblr blog

[jfrantz37]

Do you realize what you've done?

You've started the whole thing over again, and now it's never going away. He's never gonna stop, and he's gonna suffocate in his sleep someday, and you've contributed to this.

Thank you so much for that.

You've been told before, you've seen it with your own eyes, and you still indulge him? Are you that clueless? You claim to follow; is that the way?

I know you're not perfect, I know You're a human just like the rest of us, but come on. You can SEE it. You KNOW.

So now, we're leaving it to happen on its own. You want to help? Go for it. We can't watch it happen. He's gonna die lonely and sad, angry and alone, and you helped it happen.

I hope you're proud of yourself.

[jfrantz37]

I feel like most of the load is falling on me, and I feel like you blame my depression for me having feelings.

You told me today you feel like I'm manic-depressive; like I'm up and doing stuff and then I'm sad and tired...

That's not manic depression. That's not bipolar, that's not a mental illness. That's me taking care of the house and our child and you not helping, and me getting tired and asking you for help. When I told you I needed a break today, I wasn't asking for your solution to how to stop feeling overwhelmed. I wasn't asking for your advice, I wasn't asking for you to tell me how to fix what's wrong with me. I was telling you I need you to do more; take care of the clothes without me telling you, wash the dishes ok the sink to get it ready for his bath, put the clothes in the drawers instead of in the crib, take the trash outside just because it's full, not because I had to ask you to.

I'm not asking for your solutions. I have the solutions already. I'm telling you I need you to open your eyes and see what needs to be done, and then do it without me telling you to, and God help you if you ask what you should do about a simple thing: we fed him three hours ago, do you think we should feed him again? It's gonna be 40 tonight, should we put the jacket on the dog? The lawn looks brown, should we water it?

Nobody is that clueless on accident. And only a jerk would expect someone to think that it is on accident.

[jfrantz37]

Because I have to tell you six hundred times for you to notice.

When he wakes up, when he moves,been he fusses, I'm awake and I hear it and it fucking HURTS. And I've told you that, how many times?

You're not fucking listening to me, which sends the message that you don't fucking care, which makes me wonder why the hell I even bother to tell you shiy in the first place.

I NEED you to listen, to HEAR me, to give two shots about the content of what I speak.

And while we're on that subject, STOP INTERRUPTING ME. Wait until I'm don't with a fucking sentence before you open your mouth, you fucking selfish ASS.

I'm so sick of not being heard; why do you think I need a therapist for?

[jfrantz37]

Sometimes, I just need you to volunteer the information that I'm not the worst, that this isn't my fault, that you're not mad at me, that you don't hate me, that I'm not terrible.

When I have to fish for it, it feels unreliable and fake, because it's like I had to ask you to tell me it's not my fault, which means that you don't believe that it's not my fault, which means that you hate me because you really believe that it is my fault and now you're even more mad at me because I made you tell me it's not, and not you're grossed out by the fact that I would have the audacity to ASK you to lie to me and say it's not and that you don't blame me and that you don't hate me.

And that's how my brain works.

And no, it's not because I took my pills late, because that's not how that medication works; it's a slow release that builds up in my brain to balance the chemicals to make me realize that my brain lies and I'm not the worst thing to have ever been born and that yes, I do deserve to breathe and be happy and generally enjoy life.

It's because this process isn't over, and I'll be recovering from it for a few more years, because it's a lot.

And sometimes, I need you to go ahead and put yourself in my shoes and yes, that means I need constant reassurance, and yes, I will need that for a while yet.

[jfrantz37]

I think I'm so used to having enemies that I forget that we're supposed to be allies against everything. Together. And you've got to talk to your allies; you have to plan and find ways to succeed, WITH your ally. WITH your partner, WITH your teammate. You have to rely on and work with your ally, or you'll both fail. And you're there to help each other succeed.

[jfrantz37]

Because someday, I won't be able to hold him like this. Because someday, he'll be too big. Someday, he'll be too heavy. Someday, he'll be "too big" and won't let me. Someday, he'll be talking after eating, and not asleep in my arms all milk drunk. Someday, he'll be running and playing instead of needing to be held. Someday, he'll be talking back instead of squeaking and grunting. Someday, I'll lose my sweet tiny boy and he'll be replaced with a strong big boy, who won't always want mommy.

So today, I'll enjoy the cuddles. Today, I'll relish the milk drunk little guy on my chest, preventing me from peeing or sleeping because he cries when I put him down. I'll be grateful for the clinging to my clothes as I try to lay him in his crib, I'll be thankful for the searching his eyes do until they find my face as I pick him up. I'll revel in every 1am feeding, every time he pees on me, every poopy diaper, every fussy day and sleepless night.

Because someday, he won't need me like this anymore.

[jfrantz37]

Because it hurts to hear him cry. Because there's so much to do, and it's not getting done unless I do it. Because I missed the class and now I'm scared to ask for another. Because he won't get back to us. Because my brother's still dealing with it. Because I haven't slept, really slept, in a very long time. Because I'm starting again and I'm so scared of what it's doing to my body, which, by the way, is still healing and is still producing and is still trying to go back to the way it used to be. Because crying is the only way I know how to get these feelings out without throwing things or hitting stuff. Because when I see you sitting on the couch playing video games because you "can't hold him and do stuff, too", it makes me want to scream, because that's ALL I do, is hold him and clean and cook and "do stuff". Because this is new and hard and coming right in the middle of other terrible things. Because I don't have a mom, and now I don't have a dad, and your dad is gone, and your mom isn't reliable, and we don't have anyone close to help, and it's literally just you and me and we don't know what we're doing, and I'm terrified we're gonna do it wrong and hurt him. Because I'm really really scared and I don't know what to do about it besides cry and talk to you, because there's no one else to talk to.

That why I asked you to please pick up after yourself and not make more work for me.

[jfrantz37]

Oh, so that's where it went.

...

I got healthy.

Huh.

[jfrantz37]

Tired.

But I know it's really for the best...

I'm just sick of getting my hopes up.

Like, why even bother then? If it's just gonna go away like it was never even there, isn't it better to not even be there in the first place?

It would hurt less, physically, emotionally, spiritually.

Maybe it's about trust. Maybe it's about patience. Maybe it's about learning that not everything is gonna come easy....

It's just so dumb to watch those who don't even want it and are actively trying to PREVENT it are getting this wonderful blessing and just shitting all over it, and I'm over here wanting it so bad and struggling to trust while having not one, not two, but THREE brutally ripped away.

It's not fair and it hurts and it sucks and I'm scared it means I'll never have it, that I'm not meant to have it, that there's something wrong with me and I shouldn't have it.

It's just hard.

But trust isn't easy, and we promised hardships here in this foreign land. It's just not time yet.

[jfrantz37]

Lost it.

Damnit.

[jfrantz37]

Just don't feel like people-ing today.

[jfrantz37]

Well it sure enough is tomorrow....

Whoops. Came in early for nothing, I guess... XP

[jfrantz37]

What do you think they're gonna do with it?

Good night, they're not gonna steal it and use it; you'll get it back.

It's not punishing them to take it back. You can't use it, you're not leaving until they're done, you need to calm down and let them do what they do.

For crying out loud, they're the professionals here. Learn to give up control every once in a while. It'll do you wonders.

[jfrantz37]

Honey, honey, honey....

Trust me.

I got this.

I've been doing this for a few years, with no help, and learned it all on my own. Thrown to the wolves? Please, these wolves are puppies with big egos.

I know you're scared, I know trusting is hard for you, but compliance is easy, and we got this.

A few minor tweaks, some practice for pronunciation, and we're golden!

You just grab the doughnuts and the coffee, hand out the papers, and I'll take care of the rest. Don't worry your pretty head.

[jfrantz37]

Boy, heads are dangerous places to be...

One glimpse, one thought, and suddenly im there again.

[jfrantz37]

"hope you don't make any new friends this weekend!"

XP

Best compliment EVER.

Frank cracks me up.

[jfrantz37]

Boy am I tired.

It would be wonderful to have a few days off...

I think there's gonna be a day where the safety department just doesn't show up.

I'm not HR.

I'm not a babysitter.

I'm not you're fucking mother.

I'm not you dumbass friend.

I'm GOOD at my job, and I'm not stupid.

So fuck you too, buddy. We're gonna talk about it soon, and you can explain to me the fucking attitude of a three-year old from that adult mouth of yours.