jhazeerathoughts

[jhazeerathoughts]

You believed yourself to be such a terrible person

But in reality, you were not. You couldn’t be, you were too kind, Lady Luck blessed you with grace, and sanity. You struggled because you wanted to grow different from your mold, not because the universe had it out for you. On the hands of playing pissing contest with trauma, not a drop would come out.

Trauma is still trauma.

Yes. But.

Not the trauma you feel yourself to have. You want to have the trauma everyone else has. The ruined home life, lack of lights, fight for food. But you’d never survive that world. You wouldn’t last a day, not in my shoes but in people like me. Fighting off drug dealers, not by choice. Running from adults that tell you they want “the best” for you. (It’s the worst actually, run).

Yet, you still hide.

You hide behind the façade of a person who has experienced life in the worst way, but life has been kind. Yes, your family favored one of the other, but you were still loved. You weren’t neglected, you weren’t thrown out, or away. You walked away, with your own two feet. Your family didn’t shun you, call you names, tell you awful things that still run through your head. You got nature and nurture. You got love and an environment.

But yet…it wasn’t a enough

Tell me this, in these BIG bold words, why do you lie? Why do you run? Why are you so afraid of you?

I know I’m not afraid of me anymore. Oh god…I used to be. I did not like me, I ran away from myself. I ran into the arms of men who beat me, hurt me, used me. I ran into a pill addiction, I ran into the arms of a man who threatened my death daily, because I was so afraid of me. But why? I mean, back then, I had so much rage, anger, hurt. I didn’t understand why I wasn’t loved. I didn’t understand why my family threw me out, why they didn’t care if I had power, or didn’t have food. Granted, I got rescued if it got too bad. But, they weren’t there, not when I was alone in the dark. Not when he chased me through my house…forced my clothes off. Or when the other one held me down as…well you know the rest. Or when he held a knife to my throat, held me up against a wall threatening to kill me until he almost did. For a year, my eye was always in pain, blinking hurt, and I sobbed every single night to sleep. I had couch surfed, ran, sold myself and my soul.

But here I am, not running away. Dealing with the years of grief, pain and torture I’ve held myself down to.

So why do you run? Why are you so afraid of facing the reality that you are normal?

[jhazeerathoughts]

I love you.

I l o v e d you.

I don’t love you anymore.

[jhazeerathoughts]

“In some strange fairytale-disastrous-moonlight-storm sort of a way i hope... I hope that we’re tied.”

— Jay Vespertine

[jhazeerathoughts]

“Meeting you was like listening to a song for the first time and knowing it would be my favorite.”

— Unknown

[jhazeerathoughts]

Day 2??

It honestly don't feel real? Nothing really feels real. I have moments when I'm okay, and then I have moments when I feel as such an intense loss of words that I can't function properly. Every second feels like an hour, every minute feels like a day, and each day feels like a year. The time is not logical, it doesn't make any sense to me, now or ever.

And yet, I would still grovel on my knees on the alter of ANY god or goddess, demon or lord, any greater deity that has the fraction of cosmic power to give me the chance to have you back, to have a second chance to prove to you that I would move heaven and earth to make you see how truly incredible you are, even if you cannot see that yourself. I would fight heaven and hell, demons and angels, I would fight god himself, anything I could do to prove to you that you are my one and only, my love, the person I would do anything for.

I just wish you could see that, I just wish you understood that. You think of me often? It feels like an unsettling insult, some decrepit language that has no place inside my soul to understand. The air around me causes me to choke because my thoughts do not stop being of you. Not one waking second do I exist without you in the forefront of my mind. You haven't fallen out of love with me? Yet you abandoned me because "I don't know who I am". But you run away from yourself. You run away from anything that causes and derives change because the thought of change is something that terrifies you. Because you've never been forced to change for anyone, or anything. You've managed to skirt on the edge of promises and becoming a black void of endless pathological lying to anyone and everyone who has a second to hear your mouth-watering rabid thoughts.

And yet...I still love you.

I'm not really sure why the idea of loving you brings me shame, I want to be so mad at you, I just want to hate you. I want to be so sick of you that I can't even stand the thought of you. And yet I am powerless to how you make me feel whole, but yet I sit here so god damn broken.

I thought day 2 of finally trying to exist would bring me some peace, but yet I have found none. I feel like I am at the hands of some merciless evil, watching the thing I love the most dangle above me like a twisted water torture, but with my heart. And it just feels so damned shameful. I just feel so damned. I feel so lost.

I just want you.

Please.

Please come back.

Please.

I don't want to have to beg God, not again.

[jhazeerathoughts]

[jhazeerathoughts]

“The number of hours we have together is actually not so large. Please linger near the door uncomfortably instead of just leaving. Please forget your scarf in my life and come back later for it.”

[jhazeerathoughts]

cycles

i dry my tears

with manifestations

of what will never be;

the refusal to accept

an end

i hope to never see.

[jhazeerathoughts]

While I can't have you, I long for you. I am the kind of person who would miss a train or a plane to meet you for coffee. I'd take a taxi across town to see you for ten minutes. I'd wait outside all night if I thought you would open the door in the morning.

— Jeanette Winterson

[jhazeerathoughts]

“You dont destroy people you care about. Thats not how it works, that should never be an option. Choose laughter. Choose peace. Choose love.”

— R.M. Drake

[jhazeerathoughts]

"I will love you if I never see you again, and I will love you if I see you everyday"

"... I will love you as we find ourselves farther and farther from one another, where once we were so close... I will love you until your face is fogged by distant memory. I will love you no matter where you go and who you see, I will love you if you don't marry me. I will love you if you marry someone else and I will love you if you never marry at all, and spend your years wishing you had married me after all. That is how I will love you even as the world goes on its wicked way."

-Lemony Snicket

[jhazeerathoughts]

The worst feeling is when someone makes you feel special, then suddenly leaves you hanging and you have to act like you don't care at all.

[jhazeerathoughts]

“Sometimes the most healing thing we can do is remind ourselves over and over and over other people feel this too.”

— Andrea Gibson

[jhazeerathoughts]

“I swear I only want to hear about you, to know what you’ve been doing. Its a hundred years since we’ve met - it may be another hundred years before we meet again.”

— Edith Wharton

[jhazeerathoughts]

“I guess thats just part of loving people: You have to give things up. Sometimes you even have to give them up.”

— Lauren Oliver

[jhazeerathoughts]

“I missed you in a small way, tiny enough to fold up and put in my pocket, and carry that loneliness with me everywhere I went. I’d forget all about you, until my hand accidentally brushed against that slip of memory.”

— Unknown

[jhazeerathoughts]

“Ive always liked the time before dawn because theres no one around to remind me who I am supposed to be, so its easier to remember who I am.”

— Brian Andreas