jillianthebuckiest

[jillianthebuckiest]

The Vultures

Get ready for another tale from my days working ina call center with @patrickmdunn!

This nickname gives you 2 for the price of 1, so you’re also getting a bargain.

Back in the days of answering phone calls from the overdrawn and belligerent, Patrick and I gave nicknames to the especially memorable people working in other departments within the tech center building.

2 of these people were given 1 nickname.

This is their story.

(insert Law & Order theme music here)

The Vultures were an older man and woman (maybe 60s-ish) who were constantly loitering in the break room drinking coffee, doing the crossword, and spilling tea about anything or anyone.  Legit, I don’t think I ever saw either of them anywhere else in the building.

At first I thought they were a married couple, but a coworker gave me the info that they were just good friends, and actually had spouses at home. 

Honestly not sure how anyone could stand either one of them long enough to get married.

Aside from being at the forefront of any and all gossip, they were super nosey (especially the woman) and seemed to have no understanding of personal boundaries.  They would bust in to people’s private convos and interrupt you while you were reading a book.  In the corner.  Clearly wanting no human interaction.

Seriously, if they were in the break room (which was most of the time) I would avoid going in there unless it was imperative that I do so.  You know, like if I needed to get my lunch out of the fridge or the rest of the building were filling with poisonous gas and the break room was somehow the only safe place.  Even then I might have risked the gas rather than be in the same room with them.

Surprisingly, this was not their most annoying quality.

The worst part about them (and the real basis for their nickname) was that they would scavenge any and all food left around.

I’m not just talking “hey, someone put out some cookies for everyone in the break room, I guess I’ll take a couple.”  I’m talking “hey, this food in the fridge is labeled with a certain person’s/department’s name on it, guess I’ll eat it anyway.”

I think they could hear items being put in the fridge from like 2 miles away.

I actually caught them taking a big tray of food out of the fridge and starting to help themselves to it one day.  The tray of food was brand new and was for a celebration (I think mini baby shower) for one of the other people in the call center and had been there less than an hour.  I had gone into the break room to get it for the party and caught them in the act.

When confronted, they said “oh, it’s been in there for a while and no one’s eating it so we figured it was up for grabs.”

I responded with “it’s been there about 30 minutes and is clearly labeled CIC.  It’s for our party today.”

They just acted pissy that I had taken away their stolen food.

Still one of the worst parts of working there.

[jillianthebuckiest]

Foxy Lady

In case I haven’t mentioned before, I’m a candle maker.  As such, I spend a considerable amount of time at craft fairs, flea markets, things of that nature.

At one such flea market I encountered a…unique looking individual.

He was set up across from me with an interesting array of “classic” magazines, “iconic” posters, and “vintage” vinyl.

What made him especially memorable, aside from his unnaturally orange hair - yes orange, not red - was the fact that he was sporting a super classy Foxy Lady t-shirt. Complete with silhouette of a chick on a pole.

Like I said, classy.

He spent the day with a healthy mix of wandering around the flea market and hanging out in his windowless van.

You read that right. 

Windowless.

Van. 

He was like an illustration of a creepy guy you’d expect to see lurking in a dark alley.

He didn’t seem overly concerned with selling his wares either.

[jillianthebuckiest]

Family Ties Dad Guy

This is a fresh one.

I recently took a brief trip to South Carolina for some warm weather...and also to visit my friend @patrickmdunn

My trip happened to coincide with a performance by his improv class, so I was able to attend that and get some chuckles.

Afterward, Patrick and I joined some people from the class - including the guy who did the lights and music for the show - who went out to a local bar for some drinks and apps.  

It was a decent sized group, we were at tables outside in the deck area.  Only 1 or 2 of the people had met me before, so I was fairly quiet at first (yay social anxiety).  

Pretty early on in the night Patrick leaned over to me and pointed out this guy standing on the outer edge of the group talking to a couple people and said, “doesn’t he look like the dad from Family Ties?”

He totally did.

Even his clothes looked like he just walked away from a filming of the 80′s T.V. show.

A little bit later (I have no concept of time in this situation) a few people had gone home so some seats had opened up.  This guy sat down next to me and started asking me some general questions - where I’m from (MA), if I was planning on joining the improv class (not even if I lived there), what I do for a living (candle maker/animal shelter worker) - stuff like that.  

He was either drunk or just lacked understanding of how basic conversations work, because he had some weird responses to things.  I don’t remember specifically what he said, but it definitely made me feel awkward...and a little confused.

At one point he broke into a conversation a girl across the table from us was having with the person next to her about the career she is working toward and where she is hoping to take classes toward her master’s degree.  A few times she and I exchanged some puzzled glances as we both attempted to turn his strange ramblings into coherent thoughts.

Needless to say, he was bizarre.

I filled Patrick in on what was going on while he was chatting up other people on the ride back to his house.  To which he replied, “he also sucks at roller skating.” 

Confused?  Me too.

Apparently the improv class went to a roller skating rink at some point for some reason or another, and Family Ties Dad Guy fell down.  A lot.

Definitely a memorable trip.

[jillianthebuckiest]

Mr. Scentsy (aka The Puppy)

This is another from back in the days of the call center.

As it seems to go with any job that consumes practically all the waking hours of the day, the call center led to some awesome friendships for me.  Including my friend @patrickmdunn and a couple I’ll call the Ds.  

The Ds were known for some killer parties during this period of time (in fact, they still are).  At one point Mrs. D (that sounds naughtier than I intended) threw a pretty tame party for a friend who sells Scentsy.  Yes, one of those direct sales parties where the seller tries to make their monthly quota of selling things that smell “nice” when you heat them with a lightbulb.  

Don’t worry, there was alcohol.  That makes any party better.

Since this party had the stigma of being a “girls’ party,” Mr. D (also naughtier than I intended) spent the evening in the game room (read: refinished basement with a tv and game system) with some guy friends.  

One of the guy friends was a someone who grew up with the Ds.  He was maybe a little taller than me, and very slender.  Also a smart ass - which apparently is my type - and had a tendency to look a little lost.  Like a puppy in one of those commercials featuring Sarah McLachlan.

He was there before the rest of us and lingered upstairs before the Scentsy lady (Patrick’s name for her) started her sales pitch.  Naturally, this led Patrick to believe he was actually the husband of said Scentsy lady.

He was not.

Surprisingly, Patrick didn’t seem to catch on even when the Scentsy lady left and the guy stayed.  

Oblivious.

The guys all came upstairs after the Scentsy lady left, and it turned into a very tame version of one of the Ds normal parties (read: drinking, and lots of laughing).

I thought the guy was kinda cute, and ended up being the last to leave that night so we could continue to chat...and then do some kissing in the driveway.  

Cut to Tuesday of the following week, when Patrick, S, and I were playing trivia at our local TGI Fridays.

I had been texting the guy, and invited him to join us when he got out of work. 

Which he did.

Patrick was extremely confused as he was still under the impression that he was married to the Scentsy lady.  His confusion was only exacerbated when I kissed the guy.

I had to explain it to him the next day at work.

Yes, he was that confused.

It was a source of amusement for the entire couple weeks that I “dated” the guy.

[jillianthebuckiest]

Baby Gap

Once upon a time (back when I started this blog, actually) I worked in the call center for a bank.  Every summer there would be 2 or 3 interns that worked in the call center to help with increased call volumes, as well as gain experience in the business world.  

One particular summer we ended up with an intern who - how shall I put this - made a lasting impression.  He was short (maybe about 5′2″), looked like he spent every spare second working out (walked like those guys you see at the gym with no necks who look like the can’t put their arms down, that kind of thing), and wore black t-shirts (yup, always black) that were so tight you could see his nipples from 2 towns away.  The only logical conclusion was that he exclusively shopped at Baby Gap.

Within the call center (as with most workplaces), there were a few different clusters of people who became close friends.  The friend-grouping I was in also happened to contain the woman this guy decided to set his sights on.  Needless to say, she had absolutely no interest in him.  On more than one occasion he was known to loiter around her cubical for no apparent reason.  He also repeatedly asked her out on dates at awkward and inappropriate times...like when she was in the middle of a full-blown asthma attack and using her nebulizer in her car.  Needless to say, she had absolutely zero interest in him and turned him down repeatedly.  

He didn’t take the hint.

So we decided to use his ill-fated attempts at wooing as a source of amusement.  You know, in addition to the fact that he was basically (in the words of Stewie Griffin) a tiny douche.

[jillianthebuckiest]

The Return of the Guy Who Cried

Yup, this one’s a sequel.  

Deal with it.

So you may remember the story of my friend (we’ll refer to her as S to help avoid confusion) who went on a date with the guy who randomly started crying when he happened to think of his ex-girlfriend...who had a brain tumor...2 years prior...and had fully recovered.  Well, here’s a followup to that story.

The friend in question is very involved in her church, and goes religiously (yup, I went with a bad pun there.  deal with it).  One Sunday she happened to run into the mother of the Guy Who Cried.  They said hello and the mother engaged in the standard pleasantries and compliments - you look wonderful, so good to see you, etc. - then moved on to more awkward conversation.  She told S that she wished things had worked out better between S and her son, and said something to the affect of wanting them to go out again to see if things would be different.  S gave some polite ambiguous responses and gracefully exited the interaction.

Come to find out, the Guy Who Cried was already dating someone.  Not only dating someone, but had been for an extended period of time (over a year).  In addition, the couple had recently had a baby together.

Like, for real, this lady’s son was in a serious relationship with the mother of his child, and she was still trying to get S to go on a date with him. 

WTF

Side note: this took place several years after the original story.  The Guy Who Cried hadn’t even met his baby mama when he went on the dates with S.  Just to clarify.

[jillianthebuckiest]

Dad-Bod Chris Hemsworth

Ok, so this one inspired me to come back to this blog. I was recently at an event for local nonprofit organizations.  I was at a table promoting animal welfare - a cause near and dear to my heart.  The event was fun; I got to chat with some motivated people and see some of the real good left in humanity.  

But, of course, the highlight of the event for me was seeing a gentleman who was at one of the other tables.  This guy (I mean, there’s just no other way to put it) looked like Chris Hemsworth...with a short beard...and glasses...and a dad bod.  He wasn’t fat, just a little...doughy.  When I first saw him it didn’t really sink in, he just seemed familiar.  Like I’d seen him before somewhere (I’m not going to lie, the area I live in is fairly close knit, so this is always a potential).  Then he happened to walk closer by where my table was and it hit me - HOLY SHIT, THAT GUY LOOKS LIKE CHRIS HEMSWORTH.  

Naturally, my first instinct was to text a couple of my friends.  I got the same response from both of them: “Try to get a picture!”  I quickly found that it was impossible to get a non-blurry picture without looking very conspicuous.  Not to worry though, I had overwhelming success on my way out the door.

Something I probably should have mentioned is that one of the things I had at my table was a sizable stuffed dog.  Like a big stuffed animal with enough stuffing in it that it stands up like a dog, not like the stuffed dog from Scrubs.  From far enough away, it is fairly convincing as an actual dog.  It got lots of attention from people walking by the table...including Dad-Bod Chris Hemsworth.  No lie, he actually patted the dog’s head on his way by my table at one point, laughed, and said some cheesy joke along the lines of “he’s so well behaved.”

So on my way out the door, carrying the fake dog under my arm, I encountered Dad-Bod Chris Hemsworth again.  He said bye to the dog with a little laugh, at which point I asked if he would mind posing for a picture with the dog since I hadn’t had a chance to get any pictures of anything during the event.  He agreed with some enthusiasm and I was able to get some proof for my friends. 

Victory was mine.

[jillianthebuckiest]

Dead Fish Bag Guy

One summer night at the afore mentioned bar, with the afore mentioned friend, we happened to notice there were small bags of water containing small objects hanging in the open doorways leading to the outside deck.  After some discussion amongst ourselves about what they were and why they were there, my friend took it upon herself to ask a bouncer (who she finds attractive and I think bears an odd resemblance to Kevin Smith) who happened to be passing by what the deal was.  He explained the bags contained pennies in water which is supposed to ward off bugs.  

Who knew.  

This was met with replies of "interesting" and "they looked funny and we couldn't figure it out" from us.  This must have made it sound like we felt our question needed validation, because he continued with "lots of people ask what they are or why we have dead fish in bags hanging in the doorway"

This generated laughter and, of course, a new nickname.

[jillianthebuckiest]

The Mumbler

Ok, so this one I should be ashamed of...but i'm really not.

One of my best friends and I frequent a bar in Plymouth on Fridays or Saturdays or occasionally both.  One fateful night in the late spring/early summer we happened to be standing in our normal spot near the bar when one of the bouncers stopped and said “hello.”  Throughout the night he would make his rounds through the bar, and inevitably stop by us to make some awkward conversation...mostly awkward because we could only understand about every third word he said.  

We returned the next night and experienced the same ritual.  Later in the night I gave him my phone number (he was kinda cute) and we ended up quasi dating for a while.  Talking to him on the phone, or even in person, was always a challenge because he mumbled so much.  I remember a few instances of saying "what" until he slowly annunciated what he was saying.  It was actually pretty aggravating, and resulted in most of our communication being in the form of text message (it's pretty much impossible to mumble via text).

Come to find out, he mumbles because of a paralyzed vocal chord which seems to be the last remaining injury from an old car accident.  

Still, my friends and I will always think of him as "the mumbler".  

It's just easier that way.

[jillianthebuckiest]

The Guy Who Cried

Ever have one of those dates where, about half way through the meal, you think "holy lord, why didn't i take my own vehicle"?  Well, this is one that I'm grateful to say I didn't have to experience...one of my best friends did.

After having been on a couple dates and a couple mini-dates with a guy she was introduced to through people at her church, she felt like there was enough of a connection with this guy that she was safe letting him drive them both to dinner.  Everything seemed to be pointing toward another enjoyable evening when, out of nowhere, he began to cry while they were sitting at a table in the middle of a restaurant.  Her immediate reaction was "are you ok?" to which he replied "my ex-girlfriend had a brain tumor."

I'm not sure about you, but I think I would have just sat there staring at him with my mouth hanging open, but, luckily for him, this particular one of my friends has much more tact.  

So she responded with "oh I'm so sorry" and all the appropriate follow-up questions: "was this recently? did she pass away?"  His response was "no, she's fine. It was like 2 years ago, but I just thought about it for some reason."

Needless to say the dinner didn't last much longer (I’m pretty sure she faked an emergency phone call that required her to be brought home immediately), and there were no more dates.

[jillianthebuckiest]

The Hot Ranger

This one is rather self-explanatory: he was very attractive and worked as a ranger on the beach.

He was about my age with a killer smile, piercing blue eyes, out-of-control curly hair, and a good sense of humor.  He was well known by my cousins and myself for standing up on the ATV while providing an escort (needed through the endangered shorebird nesting area) so that the people in the vehicle directly behind him could stare in wonder at his perfectly sculpted ass.  

To this day I haven't been able to determine if that was his intent, but it sure provided some enjoyable scenery for the 7 mile journey at 5 mph. 

Edit: Come to find out, he really only stood up on the ATV when I was in the vehicle directly behind him.  Excellent.

[jillianthebuckiest]

The Guy that Gave My Uncle a Ticket

In all fairness, this one is from a couple of my cousins; it's an alternate of their original "the guy that gave dad a ticket". 

This guy was (and I think still is) a member of the Environmental Police at the aforementioned beach where my family spends and inordinate amount of time.  There are certain rules on the outer beach (like speed limits) that we don't always follow very strictly because, well, it's basically our back yard and most people just leave us alone. 

My uncle happened to arrive late one night (sometime after 11:00pm) and, thinking there was no one around, instead of moving the obnoxious orange cones blocking the "in" lane, he simply went around the gatehouse on the left side.  He didn't realize he had been noticed until he heard a knock on the door of the cottage while he was putting away groceries.

This guy gave him a ticket, while laughing, for going the wrong way in a one way and speeding (which was assumed since he traveled the 7 mile stretch which has a 15 mph limit in about 10 minutes).

My uncle fought the ticket and won.  The guy that gave him the ticket even shook his hand afterward. 

True class act.

[jillianthebuckiest]

Life Story Guy

Growing up I spent my summers at a cottage on a beach on Cape Cod.  

Now, when I say cottage, I really mean more of a shack with no electricity, no running water, and a composting toilet...it's paradise. 

Any way, there are numerous characters of interest that are also part of this small cottage colony with various abilities to amuse and sometimes annoy anyone within a 50 foot radius.

One such person is a guy that lives in a cottage you basically have to walk right by if you feel like going to the section of beach without slippery, barnacle-covered rocks at low tide.  He's a nice guy, but for some unknown reason he feels the need to talk to anyone and everyone at great length...often about the same thing he's talked about the last 10 times he's seen you.  As one of my younger cousins once said, "he tells you his entire life story every time he sees you."

He got a lot more interesting after I could legally purchase my own alcohol...

[jillianthebuckiest]

And So It Begins...

One of the earliest nicknames I remember hearing as a child was "the guy who used to own the house".  (I know nicknames are usually thought of as an abbreviation, but in my experience, that is often not the case.)

The people that owned my parents' house before they purchased it in the mid to late 70s had a flare for drinking binges, loud fights, and not paying their bills (hence the house was repossessed and in a state of disrepair).  

Throughout my younger years, the husband would occasionally show up on our door step "wanting to see the changes my parents had made to the place".  It was a bit creepy, and I remember being told that if he showed up when my parents weren't home, we should make sure the doors were locked and hide in another room.

I don't think I even knew he had a name until I was in high school, but my whole family still refers to him as "the guy who used to own the house."

Fun fact: He was known to have some drug ties to some very unsavory people, and it was often speculated that he might want to get in the house to look for drugs or money he had stashed there.