jinatbd

[jinatbd]

Before I go back and read what I wrote two and a half years ago, an update on the life situation.

Claire and I have now been living in this apartment for 2.5 years. We're thinking about moving. I'm thinking about moving out of Los Angeles at some point this year.

I quit my job 6 months ago almost to the day. I'm in final interviews for only one role and I want it. I had my eyes opened to a ton of side hustles, none of which I've been doing anything about and that's on me honestly for not taking it seriously. For not planning, not putting in work, not doing anything that I keep looking at and "finding inspiration" for. I've realized I'm not disciplined.

I feel more level-headed than I ever have been in my life while lacking some purpose. Part of it is that I don't have the stress nor sleep deprivation-induced delusions of escape and symptoms of wanting to get out. Of not having a clear picture of the future in front of me.

I haven't dated. I'm turning 30 this year. I think maybe sometime in 2022, I realized that this is where I would be and I made my peace with it quickly. I realized that I really did want to focus on my career and what I was meant to do in my future.

What strikes me most is that for the first time in ever, I feel like I may not need to stick to the corporate ladder that I've been hyping up in my head. I'm both too impatient and I feel too smart for it. However, what I do know that I'm missing is discipline. That is what has made itself abundantly clear so now at least I know what I should be working toward.

I don't know that I need to be a full entrepreneur. At least I'm still clear that I don't want to be a founder. But what I do want to be is a CEO or a COO. I think I got distracted by the shiny-ness of CMO life sub-JJ. In the meantime, I think I need to sit down and think critically that if this is what I want to do, what am I doing to make myself capable and equipped to do this job one day. To ensure that someone would trust me with that and in fact want me to do it for them. Because I can reassure these friends all I want but they're not the ones that will end up creating companies.

Anyway, a lot and not a lot swimming around in my head right now so I'm curious where I'll end up in about 6 months.

[jinatbd]

Every post on this blog is probably going to start with "Stupid stupid you"

Because stupid stupid you. Its July and you're about to move back to LA. Moving out of LA is definitely part of your inability to own up to the fact that while you're doing the job you thought you wanted to do, you forgot to continue looking ahead and now trying to find a new job seems hard again. After spending 2 weeks in New York, I realized that the city just isn't for me. I think it would've been great to do a summer there right after college but I'm getting a bit old.

Not to mention, all the things I thought I loved about it, the hustle and bustle, the type of networking, having public transportation, being able to go sit in parks, its not exactly what I want out of my life.

I was definitely spoiled by Asia. I would love to move to Asia but that would require so much of my life being partially uprooted and relearning how to better understand and communicate with other people. I am also struggling to understand what I actually want in the long term and what I want to be doing.

I also have been thinking more and more about marriage and how okay I am with the fact that I'm 3 years out from 30. which is insane. Where and how am I going to find a husband and have better career direction in 3 years?

I should just continue working hard and promoting myself and networking and praying that the right opportunity will come along when it should.

[jinatbd]

Oh man. Stupid stupid you. 2019 was not the craziest yet. I’ve now been abroad for almost 4 months and I got promoted and I reconnected with friends and I’m thinking about moving out of LA. WHAT A CRAZY 2020.

[jinatbd]

I’m so glad I wrote that piece reflecting on 2019. It’s such an accurate capture of my year. Since then, it’s now April and we’re deep in COVID territory. Did we ever think it would get this bad? The answer is no. And now it seems that it’s going to really change the trajectory of the next two years of my job. I’m looking forward to it I think. It’s been really pushing me to grow and to work to become someone that has refined my skills. I have been lazy though with exercise. We’ll see what happens tomorrow. There’s definitely things to do and missions to accomplish in the meantime though.

[jinatbd]

I think it’s time to reflect on 2019.

What a fucking whirlwind of a year. I dieted, exercised, went to korea, went blonde and pink and purple, took a CBD class, took a lot of Yoga, kicked my merch habit, lost and gained 10 pounds, got a new fucking job that I fucking love with the best boss I’ve ever had, worked a ton of just the craziest events, and got to see the clouds move at crazy fast paces that make me feel so light and uncommitted to this world and who I am now. I think that’s one of the crazy things of sitting here on the 40fh floor watching these clouds float and I mean literally get a move on past me above a city that seems to be falling asleep slowly. What a gorgeous view and a crazy experience that I get to have. And I had this not just once but multiple times this year.

I love these stupid skylines and gorgeous landscapes and breath taking views and just expanses. It’s so different than just sitting in my LA apartment and I’m so so soooooo immensely grateful for this change. I’m glad we moved too. I think I’m happy with the move just a little uncontent with where we are choosing to spend money.

2019 was so insanely long.

Kpop wise, I was still so in love with stray kids at the beginning of the year. I watched the miroh cb but tbh it set the tone and so I wasnt as thrilled about the remainder of the comebacks. I was still so so into BTS. I still really liked taehyung. I had a yoongi phase to shield myself from claires increasing obsession with Taehyung. I got to have JUS2, the best unit ever to be birthed by GOT7 debut and also have their stuff everywhere while I was in Korea. I got into Izone. I got to have WayV fulfill every single Cpop dream I had. I watched IP2 and cried over YMM pretty much the entire season and wenhan. I got to see blackpink and pentagon and Twice and GOT7 AGAIN!!! And then my dream literally came true. I worked kcon?!? I dont even care for ATEEZ but so so cool to be able to be part of a moment. And I got to see Woojin 🥺the only one I would ever use this emoji for. As the year draws to a close, I really think I’m a bigger Dream fan than ever before. Fireflies and DNYL was the track OF THE YEAR. I can’t stop listening to it and boom is also such a great track. And on some level I think that SKZ is my guilty pleasure EDM group. That’s super super nice to have. I’m obsessed with SUPERM. WHAT A GENIUS MOVE to have such absolute powerhouses in one group and I’ll get to see them in the new year! Also so so so proud of Got7 this year. While eclipse was not my favorite, I will say this year everyone seemed the most content with what they were putting out and they had the best time promoting all of their music. As a fan I’m much deeper in love with Markhyuck than I ever have been and it’s starting to blend into 2park. It’s been such a whirlwind. Such a crazy long year. I also will take some time eventually to talk about just how different it is now that BTS is a clear top. Nothing is as interesting or as fun anymore. Especially year end stages. And I miss having Exo. I love BTS don’t get my wrong. I rrally think they did something exceptional with their music. But I dont think I can ever refute that EXO is the BEST kpop boy group of all time for many many many reasons. It’s nice having them comeback with a strong concept like obsession. So. So happy with it. Also Lowkey happy with the music style trade between 127 and exo with obessesion and superhuman lol. I think for now that’s enough about kpop. How I’m consuming it is constantly changing. I’m not longer following as closely but I think it’s just enough. And I’m learning when to save and when to just like something.

As a person, did I become more of a leo? More abrasive and rough? Defensive and almost unpleasant to be around? Maybe. I think there’s a lot of residual habits that I had formed during my two dormant years that I want to fix including, accidentally over dominating a conversation and spacing out when someone else is talking. I feel super rusty and I feel bad that I seem to no longer engage with people as much as I used to or as well as I used to. I think I need more practice with friends who aren’t just in my immediate circle or very surface level. I definitely want to read more books on that.

Personally, I have a few goals this year. First quarter of the year I want to focus on my exercise, diet, and korean. I think 3 things shouldn’t be too hard to handle. To tackle this, I want to spend time looking at things I would like to cook to be healthier and to eat healthier. And for exercise, if I can just manage to do what Kelly did and pair it with exercise, I really believe I can drop major pounds. I feel motivated again to do it and I want to do it well. I also do want to set some goals at work but I think that needs further reflecting this month. On my to do list.

I still want to do some form of YouTube but I havent quite decided what yet. So that’s more to come later.

Did I reflect on my 2019 enough? I really think that it’s been an immense year of personal growth but also if slip ups and seeing a lot of my Achilles heels. A testament of my laziness but also willingness to make things happen. I was burnt out and motivated all at once because it felt like I was living three lives at once and I had comepletely separates how I felt in each one. It proves to me that I am able to really change how I approach anything just based on mentality and it has nothing to do with how I feel right now as a whole. I am complex with many emotions and depth that gives me the ability to juggle almost multiple universes for myself. What makes me so so soooo excited about this year is that I think I can finally properly break away from chains that I’ve imposed on myself through my friendships. I have been learning how to form my own opinion, how to defend yet not be defensive of them, and to not have to agree. It’s less of a breaking away from my friends than a breaking away from my thoughts and impressions of this friendship past my boundary.

On that note, I do think this is the year that I let Alex Lim go. I think cutting him off myself last fall was the hardest most heartbreaking thing I’ve ever had to go through in a friendship but I am happy to report that I’m happier now. I feel unconstrained and just the same indifference I feel for his girlfriend. I’d love to stay in the loop but it’s not the same stress that I felt.

I also feel more free of Alex Do for the first time. This year included the developments of his update wi th AILINA when I decided to go to exec elections, him ignoring me, me finding out he was dating someone, me finding out he was refused to make it official because of us but had also brought her home, and him moving back to Texas. It just felt so much freer to not be tied anymore and to feel bad or feel remorse or any of the things that I had felt in the entirety of our relationship and post breakup. I’m actually quite happy with where I’m at now.

Family is hard. I think this year is going to be hard for everyone.

Regardless. What an amazing jam packed long ass year. I’m so so soooo excited for anew chapter. It proves that time doesn’t necessarily need to move faster. But I should also plan with less stress. I think that’s the biggest take away this year. How I manage stress.

Here’s to a 2019. The craziest year yet.

[jinatbd]

Step 1.