jintmoon

[jintmoon]

came to the realization that I don’t want to share anything anymore, which is sad because I know I’m a huge yapper with people I’m comfortable with. 

sometimes I make videos (just for myself) just talking about things I want to get out of my chest, sometimes things I wish people were interested in listening to. I don’t mean it in a kinda of miserable way, but I wish I wasn’t so against sharing anymore. I literally stop myself from sharing anything with those people. I was shot down so many times last year that I just decided to keep it to myself. I don’t have any interest in sharing anymore, and it made my interest with trivial topics just vanish, which hurts the relationship even further. 

not only I didn’t feel like I was being heard, it felt like I was being misunderstood on purpose, and felt like they were going out of their way to disagree… 

I wish I could say something, confront and try to defend myself, but I am, and probably will always be, the person to not advocate for myself (thank you, mom). 

as I let this relationship die, I can’t help but feel sorry for myself.

[jintmoon]

(written on April 20th, only now posting)

I was home since thursday (thank you jesus for your death and resurrection, you are my favorite guy ever) and I still don't feel like I got enough rest.

It's been some time since I wrote something here, so I would like to update everything (this is like a journal, but not with super private and embarrassing things).

For starters, I ended up having to double my hours at the school (the other teacher resigned LOL) and now I work a full day. It's not THAT bad, since the afternoons are slower than the morning, but it still is very tiring to be out of the house for the whole day. I wake up at 5am, and I'm at the school at 6am (there's not really a reason to that, except that I'm really afraid of being late, I hate being late). And I'm out of the school at 5:15pm, only get home at 6pm. It awful to think that I spend 12 hours at a place. 

The only thing that keeps me going is the salary, it's going to double (hopefully double and a little more, I'll update this). I'll be able to buy things I want, I'll be able to get my drivers license and all of that without being too heavy on the credit card, which is kinda of my life goal. 

The teacher that resigned left me with all of his work, and it gets better: he was supposed to take pictures of his activities and crafts for the parents to see what the kids did this first bimester, and HE DIDN'T. I was left with a fucking mess to take care of, which is burning me alive :)

I tried to make this an urgent problem, but people kind of acted like "you're the teacher now, it's your job to find a solution". I cannot find a solution to something that was supposed to be done in February and March, two whole months ago. 

I made myself promise that I wouldn't work on this holiday, and I won't, except for tomorrow, that I'll be sending everything for the coordinator. 

---

Another thing that I want to address is my barmy discord server lol. Everything was ready, and I ended up having to work the whole day. My free afternoon life is long gone, I won't be able to mod a discord server. I had to put my twt on hiatus because I don't have enough energy to be there, so I know I won't be able to do a good job. It's something that I really wanna do, but I can't right now :( I thought about asking if people want to be mods (of course this is was something I was going to do early on the server life, but not this early), but even this would cost a lot of energy. 

I'll probably also change my route on this. I was going to start sharing on twt, but now I'm more tempted to start on Instagram or tiktok, people there seems more welcoming, and not really resistant to a discord server. 

I dmed a few people on twt, but I didn't even check if they replied after the second bundle of messages lol, I don't want to waste anyone's time. 

Anyway, this is what was on my mind

[jintmoon]

I did something

I messaged some people to ask if they could share my idea (discord server) and now I don't even wanna open twitter because I'm too embarrassed about it ?? my heart starts pounding if I even THINK about seeing if/what they responded

like, I don't feel like they would make fun of me, but is kinda of a reach to ask a stranger for help to share a fucking discord server lmao most of the people weren't even my mutual !!!! this make everything worse

if someone were asking me to share I wouldn't mind, but people are different...

I was/am so nervous about this that I typed a whole essay about my motivation to creating the server, why I think it would help the fandom and my plan of action ?????? like, I don't want people to think that it was something that I decided to do out of the blue (it's not that serious)

I'm embarrassed and kinda regret messaging them

anyway, safe to say that I'll be out of twt for a few days ❤❤

[jintmoon]

just bought a new keybord and it is so good!!! wasn't even expensive :P

I don't have anything else to write except that I want to make a discord server for armys, but I don't want to make something that people wouldn't use, and I don't have any twt (any social media, actually) clout for that lol I could dm some people to help, but I'm too shy

I think the server would help us to be more organized and also make us more united for the group reunion in june... anyway I'm gonna try to make everything that I can for now and maybe think about dming some people

[jintmoon]

like, I wonder if my sister notices that I don't leave my room when she is the common area of the apartment. she's an insufferable person. living with a narcissist sister and having to deal with a narcissist mother is a fucking nightmare.

yesterday my mom sent me a message at 9:30pm asking if I was at my grandpa's house (I usually go there on weekends), I was already asleep since I had to stay at my job for 12+ hours straight and was super tired. today she sent me a message saying that she knew I saw her message (I didn't) and made up a story about why I didn't respond (a lot of gaslighting). I WAS FUCKING ASLEEP, THAT'S WHY I DIDN'T RESPOND YOUR FUCKING MESSAGE.

anyway, then she went to complain to my fucking awful sister about it, even tho I told her I was asleep, since I was super tired. My sister got home and told me that she had to listen to mom complain and I repeated that I was asleep (this bitch fucking saw me coming home at 7:30 pm and she knows I wake up at 5am to get ready) and she said "but you woke up early tho", AND WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE? my mom only messages me to ask for something, she needed me to do something YESTERDAY AT 9pm, me responding to her at 8am was only going to cause her to say the same fucking thing about not responding to her messages quickly, I lived this situations repletely over the years.

then my sister went to say that I'm going no where in life, and just because I didn't respond to a fucking message

[jintmoon]

yesterday my mom sent me a message at 9:30pm asking if I was at my grandpa's house (I usually go there on weekends), I was already asleep since I had to stay at my job for 12+ hours straight and was super tired. today she sent me a message saying that she knew I saw her message (I didn't) and made up a story about why I didn't respond (a lot of gaslighting). I WAS FUCKING ASLEEP, THAT'S WHY I DIDN'T RESPOND YOUR FUCKING MESSAGE.

anyway, then she went to complain to my fucking awful sister about it, even tho I told her I was asleep, since I was super tired. My sister got home and told me that she had to listen to mom complain and I repeated that I was asleep (this bitch fucking saw me coming home at 7:30 pm and she knows I wake up at 5am to get ready) and she said "but you woke up early tho", AND WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE? my mom only messages me to ask for something, she needed me to do something YESTERDAY AT 9pm, me responding to her at 8am was only going to cause her to say the same fucking thing about not responding to her messages quickly, I lived this situations repletely over the years.

then my sister went to say that I'm going no where in life, and just because I didn't respond to a fucking message

[jintmoon]

yall, today was hobi's spotify listening party and it was so fun lol, I'm usually never available to participate, but during this one I was home and remembered that it was going to happen. anyway, the whole time people were asking him to play blue side AND HE ACTUALLY DID IT! I'mma blue side lover and during the whole song people were commenting blue hearts like 😭😭😭😭😭 it touched me so much!! unfortunaly he's not coming to brasil, so I won't be able to see it with my own eyes in case he puts blue side on the setlist :( but I would love to see him perform it anyway

I also bought hummus today, people usually pair it with carrots, but I didn't get the appeal ? it was good with doritos tho lol tomorrow I'll try it with toast

[jintmoon]

anyway

[jintmoon]

YALL I WAS GOING TO TEST SOME BACKGROUNDS ON STRAWPAGE AND IT IS UNDER MAINTENANCE ??? can't even disgust myself with my own choices

currently looking for a new type of media to consume; anything to be out of my boredom (I'm watching saiki for the 3rd time just to pass the time). this is probably why I was so invested on my strawpage, it is new way to distract myself from thinking too much. I'm still engaged with my strawpage, but I feel like it would be a waste to not wait for the update, even tho it's probably gonna take a little bit to be released. I'm still not happy with it, since it looks so basic and that's not vibe I was going for. The background is a importante aspect, it is bugging me out, so I'll probably look for a new one in the mean time.

anyway, a coworker told me he's been having trouble with the same things as me at work, so I felt really validated. I was honestly so afraid that I was just being sensitive or even inconsiderate towards people by feeling the way I was feeling that I didn't realized that what was happening was not supposed to happen in the first place. Our coordinator told us she was going to talk with the manager about it and I still can't shake the feeling that I'm being over sensitive over nothing lol. my mind hates me.

[jintmoon]

currently looking for a new type of media to consume; anything to be out of my boredom (I'm watching saiki for the 3rd time just to pass the time). this is probably why I was so invested on my strawpage, it is new way to distract myself from thinking too much. I'm still engaged with my strawpage, but I feel like it would be a waste to not wait for the update, even tho it's probably gonna take a little bit to be released. I'm still not happy with it, since it looks so basic and that's not vibe I was going for. The background is a importante aspect, it is bugging me out, so I'll probably look for a new one in the mean time.

anyway, a coworker told me he's been having trouble with the same things as me at work, so I felt really validated. I was honestly so afraid that I was just being sensitive or even inconsiderate towards people by feeling the way I was feeling that I didn't realized that what was happening was not supposed to happen in the first place. Our coordinator told us she was going to talk with the manager about it and I still can't shake the feeling that I'm being over sensitive over nothing lol. my mind hates me.

[jintmoon]

y'all, yesterday I went to an amusement park and had so much fun with my siblings! it was the youngest birthday, and we went there to celebrate (my brother and I probably had more fun than her since she is kinda sick and her body was super tired, but she tried her best lol). The best ride for me was kamikaze! It was super intense and I kinda like stuff like that, even tho I was a little afraid up there lol. We also went in some kind of carrossel that spins so fast that your body start to cram on the side of your sit, and there's also waves on the ground that makes you go up down, so fun! It also goes backwards so a whole new experience in the same ride. We wanted to go in the rollercoaster, but the line was too big and it wasn't really worthy the wait :(

Yesterday made me realize that my siblings can be a good companion to things like that. We used to fight so much that I'm honestly shook that we get along right now. Of course we have a few lumps here and there, but we can compromise on a few things for a few hours. Love them to my core, and that is why I can say with certainly: we were not made to be together in the same room for hours. We are very different people.

Anyway, outdoors activities are mostly hit and miss with me, but this one was super worthy.

Also, happy birthday to my boy agust d 😭 love u

[jintmoon]

made this just to post some thoughts and stuff