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[jiwa-jeannine]

Notes from the Upper West Side

Do you remember when I would drop you off by the Indonesia Stock Exchange at 8.30AM every weekday? I am not sure if I have ever told you this, but I always looked forward to lunchtime where you would text me and let me choose where to eat. We would take selfies and make the family group chat jealous.

Earlier today I was talking to my friend about you, and as my usual coping mechanism, I made a joke about your passing and how my grief has made me a much funnier person (which I know I absolutely am not). I told her that I usually cry after joking about my dad, and now it is happening real time.

I am graduating in less than three weeks, and the thought of you not being there still breaks my heart into countless pieces.

I keep telling myself that you are going to be there somehow, but the most important question is: will I be able to see you? And also the second most important question: will I be able to take a picture with you in my regalia? I remember once you told me that life should keep on going even though times are hard and tough; but it has been really hard to find the true meaning to the life I am currently living right now without your presence. In case it was never clear; I would not have been here if it had not been for you.

You know what, Pa, I'll cut you a deal: I will not get mad if you do not come to my graduation... realistically, you will not be able to attend it anyway, but it would be great if you could just give me a sign. I know you have been hearing my cries, so any thing will do; nothing is too small or too big, this may seem desperate, but I really do miss you, Papito.

I guess one of the good things about your passing is that I get to cry as much as I want, I know how much you hated me crying, and I remember you would always say, "well, you can state your mind without having to cry." But I still cannot speak of you without tears falling down my face. My heart completely breaks all over again every time I remember you, and I think that is just how it goes from now on.

So... with that being said, I will see you at my graduation, Papa. Everyone is planning on wearing batik, make sure you dress to impress.

I love you, always and forever.

[jiwa-jeannine]

The distance song

"It's all that I have left of you."

I do not even know where to start. So maybe, I would start with the memory of you and me sharing our first kiss. Or the memory of the first time I realized that I might be falling in love, and then I realized I needed to run away... again.

I am constantly learning how to let go without convincing myself that this is best decision. I have come to a point where I realized perhaps what I did was wrong and I just have to live with the bed that I have made. And I have made peace with the fact that you will never know the amount of love that I have for you, the seeds I planted for you have become a rainforest that I often get lost in.

But as much as I want to deny this, I cannot remember you without without tearing up. And that is okay... I am okay, we are okay.

[jiwa-jeannine]

Rebecca Serle, In Five Years

[jiwa-jeannine]

I cried for you last night

I think this was supposed to be my secret, but tonight I am feeling like sharing is caring. Last night, I found myself shedding tears for you, from my eyes the cries flow under my cheeks, as if they were trying to cleanse them.

In the darkness of my room, I curled up to comfort myself. What was really frustrating for me was the fact that no matter how hard I cried, you would not ever know.

So, all of this love that I have, as much as I have let them go, sometimes they miss me, and I miss them, too.

I did raise them; and they were mine for so long. Long before they were yours.

I guess what I am trying to say is I miss you; all of this love misses you. My room has become too familiar of your name. The bad thing about it is that is all they will ever know.

[jiwa-jeannine]

I think I have been here before...

I remember vividly what my therapist told me in our last session. I had asked her about how to navigate my body when my feelings get too overwhelming. She looked at me for two seconds, smiled, took a breath, and said, "think of your feelings as you being under the pouring rain, if it gets too much, come inside and get warm, get dry, and observe. If you think you're ready to go back and feel them again, you can get wet, but for now, just observe."

The past couple of weeks have been really hard for me. From celebrating my dad's death anniversary, spending the Easter Triduum alone, and the constant fear of not being good enough.

In between those thoughts, I occasionally find myself questioning about my existence. From the surface, it looks like my usual existential crisis, but deep down, it is an crippling anxiety of the uncertainty that the future holds.

But, I think I have been here before...

The random tears that fall out of my eyes before I go to sleep, the anxiety of saying no the the man that took a second glance, the fear of being pushed to the subway tracks by an angry New Yorker, the bravery of yelling back to an aggressive catcall at 11PM after a night out, I feel like there is nothing new under the sun.

So my question is; why do I keep feeling this? A deep breath that I cannot reach, the pain in my chest like my heart is about to pop out.

I will admit and acknowledge that I am scared and anxious, and then what? What happens next?

Can anybody please tell me?

[jiwa-jeannine]

The day at the diner in the sky

I remember that day as clear as the blue sky in the summer.

You are sitting across to me, in a diner with red cushions everywhere. There is a plate of toasted bread with butter between us, half eaten. It looks like we have been talking for a while, as always, I have my head down because sometimes when I am with you, I become quiet and let you do all the questions.

In between our conversations, I remember you standing up, walking towards to the door. I ask you, "Where are you going? We're not finished eating yet." To which you simply respond, "Well, you'll always know what to do, so I'll know that you're going to be fine."

Well, Papa... I don't know what to tell you, but it has been a while since I felt fine. I think since the day you left, I have never been absolutely fine. There is a hole in a shape of you in my heart that I really do not know what to do with. The words "I miss you" are not even enough to express the yearning that I have been feeling for you.

I really don't know what I am supposed to do with all these love that I have for you. So I will just do what I know best; talk to you every night before bed, tell God to send my love and regards to you, and think about you all the time.

Now that I am in New York, I keep thinking about my graduation day that is coming up in six months, and the fact that you won't be there, physically. It has been really hard to go on with life, when you were the reason I got here in the first place.

I just have to let you know that carrying you in my heart has been one of the hardest things that I have to do in my whole life, because I would rather go home and hug you; and eat hearty meals with you, and have you interrogate me about the details of my life.

But, Papa, things are not going very well with me right now. And the idea of how relieving your hug would be, crush me every time, because I know it will not happen, at least for now.

And just so you know, I am still a bit upset with the fact that you left this world before me. I know that you thought I was joking when I said it, but I seriously meant it when I said that I didn't want to live in this world without you and mom. Because look at me now... my tears just keep falling for you everyday when all I want is just to be in your embrace.

I know that this grief is a gift and proof of how much love we shared for each other. But tonight, this grief is bigger than it usually is, and let me just linger in this moment for a little bit and let every single person in the world know of how much I love and miss you.

Tomorrow has got its own problems and I will wake up and face them with a new spirit, but tonight, I just want to sit with my thoughts of you while I sing prayers to the heaven above, with hopes that you will hear them.

I love you so much, Papito. Have a good night sleep.

I will see you soon enough.

[jiwa-jeannine]

Notes in Washington Square Park

We were supposed to go here together, a year ago, I was daydreaming about dressing up as a queen and you would be my king, but right now I am sitting here alone; no throne, just an old bench in the middle of a crowded park.

This place is so lively, people are talking, laughing, being humans, there are a bunch of kids lighting a joint near me, they are talking a little too loud that I can hear everything they're saying, and it sounds like their first time and they are very excited about it.

Being here makes me really nervous and excited, there is a raging war inside my head, and my eyes are busy scanning every face that goes by - believing that you might be here... Or maybe your friends are here, so I can talk to them about you, or maybe ask about you, or anything at all.

But right now I am here and after further inspection, I don't think you are here. It took me a while to realize that you are no longer here.

And I have to understand that, and I do.

All these times I have tried to understand why you did what you did and I did what I did, perhaps both of us were lost, drowned in distrust, so broken by the past that no matter what the other person was saying, it was not going to change anything; one fact that will always remain is that nothing can eliminate the hate we have for each other with the love that we have.

I keep telling myself that this is what is supposed to happen; we were only a moment and not a minute longer.

But I also need you to know that you took a piece of me that I can never get back. Maybe this is the way our love goes; from a far, through prayers to our God and whispers to our ancestors. I know they are taking care of you, and I know that you are well taken care of.

[jiwa-jeannine]

A walk down memory lane

I remember you like yesterday's leftovers, like the walk I do to the kitchen when I am hungry, and the milk I cry over when I find out its expiration date has passed.

In my head, you are still in my arms, but I cannot deny the pain every time I hold you closer, the feeling is similar to holding the thorns of a rose.

In a parallel universe, you and I would be the king and queen of the world, but fear gets the best of me, and the past is too overwhelming for me to overthink.

Perhaps, you are right, you missed me, you should have gotten your ducks in a row before you met me. And perhaps I should have walked away many moons ago.

And now we are still here, but a million miles apart.

I am so glad I still have you in my memories, tucked away nicely and comfortably in a couch made just for you and me. As much as this hurts, this is good, for you, for me, and for us.

At least, here, I remember you as somebody who is kind, free, courageous, selfishly caring, and full of smiles.

So, as much as I want to see your face for the last time, I hope you are as excited and hopeful for the view that you are looking right now as I am looking at your back walking away from me.

[jiwa-jeannine]

The story of us: the lights, the tears and the goodbye

"I am unfinished, I have got so much left to learn. I don't know how this river runs..."

I remember you as clear as day; the first time I laid my eyes on you in front of that coffee shop; you were wearing a shirt and a jacket, and those CDG sneakers. My first immediate thought of you was, "this is a cool guy. I really like a guy who knows his style."

At that moment, it did not even pass my mind that we would be traveling around Java together, we went to see the beach, the mountains, and even the Merlion.

I remember the night I decided to continuously love you, with all that I was and with all that I had at that time: we were on a little trip, and we went to this lights show, I saw you from a far and you were admiring and studying the lights, and my heart felt safe and secure, and I just knew at that moment: I am in love.

When we got to the car, you kept telling me to stop whatever I am feeling because we would not go anywhere. You were not there, at the same place I was, but I insisted on my feelings and I told you that you could not stop me.

So, from that night, all I did was love you, constantly, passionately, and stubbornly.

For a couple of months, I was fine. I was okay with not having my feelings reciprocating. I was okay with driving around town and putting you as my number one priority. You had my whole attention and my whole heart. I felt like I was on the moon every time I was with you, as if I was drugged by something so beautiful and captivating. As it turned out, I actually was. I was so taken away by you. Every single touch and kiss, I was blown away, and as expected, I was always seven steps ahead of you.

I was already thinking of New York, running around town, thrifting clothes and eating sandwiches with you. The only image that I always had in my head was you and me holding hands in Washington Square Park. We would wear funky outfits and role play as kings and queens of the world.

But with all our extreme ebbs and flows, here I am; Somehow, in the middle of the way, I got really tired of waiting on you; I got tired of wondering whether or not you would actually get to the place where I was, I grew anxious of the things you might or might not do when you were not with me, and lastly, I learnt that I also deserved more than I was receiving. Therefore, this is all that I can do right now: sitting in front of my computer as a witness and half of proof of what happened to us.

There are so many things that I have been thinking in my mind, I thought about a lot of maybes and what ifs. Maybe, you are actually my person but we just met at the wrong time. What if I had listened to you from the beginning and walked away, we would not have been in this situation. I could have saved both of us from this ugly heartbreak. Maybe, you are not my person at all but I was just too stubborn to acknowledge the truth. What if I had been more patient with you and stood by you a little longer, things would have turned out differently, and we would have the world in the palm of our hands. Maybe, you were never in love with me and just loved being around me. What if I had not invited you to that Christmas dinner, and just decided to have a platonic relationship with you. Perhaps, I could have given you what you actually wanted at that time.

But again, here we are. Despite all the maybes and what ifs, the things that happened, still happened. It was about time we admitted that we were just a crumpled piece of paper. I no longer could handle the anxiety and uneasy feeling that I had every time I was not with you, and I no longer could maintain the love that I said I had for you due to all of the hurt, the waiting, and the lies. Aside from wanting to love you more, I also felt like I was neglecting myself even more.

My heart was yearning and breaking for you at the same time and it did not feel safe nor secure anymore. And I knew you did not feel secure with me, too.

It was time and I did not have any other choice.

All I have now are the memories of us, and I treasure all of the good, the bad and the ugly, because that was us, all of it.

[jiwa-jeannine]

If ever I am gone, I want you to know this

So, here we are, I do not know how this letter got to you, but I am so glad that it is now in your hands. As you may be aware, I am not here anymore; I am no longer knocking on your door, I am no longer driving my car on my way to your place, I am no longer here nor there, and just like yesterday's food, I am gone.

You will not find me on the streets, nor will you find me downstairs. I am now just a memory, living in the back of your mind. The one that you will always carry until the day you finally decide to let me go.

Amongst the millions of things that I want to tell you, one of the things that I want you to know is that I love you so much. I love you until the waves stop coming to the shore, I love you like the sun rises to greet all the good and evil, I love you from the first time you sat across to me at that diner, and I love you, because and just because.

Now that I am not physically in your face, I can freely say the things I want to say without having you distracting me with your beautiful eyes, hopefully this will be easier. I want you to know that I see so much love and light in you, even though you roll your eyes at me and close your ears as if the things that I said were not the truth, but I know in my heart that you knew, and you have always known. As much as I love you, I want you to know that you are love, despite being one of the lights in my life, you are light, and you shine so bright, my love. Sometimes I had to squint my eyes just to be able to see you, and every time I did, I always felt the warmest kind of warmth, the good kind... the kind you always feel when you're by the beach; when the sun kisses your skin and your hot body is calmed by the cold water.

This is how I will always remember you, no matter what happens and no matter where I am or where you are, I will always remember you with a good feeling, an amazing feeling. Like the first breath you take after being under water, or that satisfaction after running the finish line.

So, my love, even though I am not with you right now, please know that I want to be. I always want to be. I want you to know that I had fought so hard and so long, and maybe I just got too tired and really needed this rest. I kind of deserved it, don't you think?

Just one last thing before I go, when this is all over, and your time is up, come and find me, like the way I used to try and find you, because I will be waiting for you, I will be here, some place. Or maybe we will find each other, this place is big, but the red thread that is tied to our fingers will lead our way back to each other. Like I told you so many times; I am not worried even though I get scared sometimes. But love, it will conquer all.

I will see you again. Soon.

[jiwa-jeannine]

In your arms, in your embrace

I promise you, I would know you from anywhere. From the light that you carry in your eyes, and how they light up whenever you talk about the things that you love, From the fragrance of your skin, and how much they remind me so much of fresh coconuts and the beach, From the warmth of your body, and how sheltered I feel every time I am surrounded by it.

There is a little house somewhere in the middle of this forest, just like the flowers in your heart, our little house is warm and safe. In the middle of it, we placed a little fireplace, where we would lie down and read our books. You would be busy reading about algorithms and data analysis and I would be drowned in poetry. There, we would talk about everything and anything all at once, and just like the waves, we keep coming back to each other like they come back to the shoreline.

This may not be the place we call our home, maybe not now, maybe not yet, but this is ours; where there is you and me, in each other's embrace, nothing is more magical than this, and no one can ever take that away from us.

This is the place where we started, and it will always be our witness to the flowers that have bloomed, the trees that have grown, and the grass that have gone greener. We could be everywhere or anywhere, and we are so in love, but this is the place where we fall in love.

[jiwa-jeannine]

Forgiveness and all about it

The English Dictionary defines "forgiveness" as an act of forgiving or a state of being forgiven; it is a two-way street where one person is giving his/her forgiveness and the other one is receiving his/her forgiveness.

My experience with forgiveness has never been a walk in the park. Suffice to say that I struggle with forgiveness, especially forgiving other people. Fundamentally, I would like to say that I am a very trusting person unless told and shown otherwise. However, in practice, I actually do not trust very easily or I just do not trust at all. Unfortunately I cannot really get into the details, but let's just say there are people in my life that have done very bad things to me and the people that I love which has caused me to struggle with trust and forgiveness; I did the rodeo of compromising and compensating like, "it's probably just a one-time thing" or "let's just hope he will never do it again," but I always ended up breaking my own heart. So, a long time ago, I built this tall walls before me and I always say things like, "don't worry about it, I'm not worried about it" or "fine, do what you want, I don't care" or "it's okay! No worries at all," when it was always the opposite. There have been moments when I want to say things like "this is hurting me, please stop" or "what you did was very mean and I did not appreciate it" or just a simple "fuck you."

But because I was taught to smile and be pretty, I kept my cool instead. But because of that also, I became this person who was closed-off, anxious and worried about the smallest things, all because I was unable to forgive. And believe me when I say this, this hurt me more than it hurt them. It was doing more harm to me, more than it was doing good to anybody. I was hateful, scared and scarred and I was not willing to admit that, I just kept convincing myself that I was fine, and everything was okay, when again... it was the exact opposite.

I met a person who was similar to the old me last year. She is a mother of someone that I used to know. At that time, I did something that offended her and she did not take it very well. She grew to hate my guts and said very mean things about me (and even my family). I remember one day I came to her house and I begged for her forgiveness, I was crying the whole time and she kept shutting her door at my face. It was one of the most difficult days in 2021. It is still as clear as day in my head; I remember her saying, "You can come to my house all you want, but I will not come out of my room to greet you."

She was unwilling to forgive me and I was broken by her words. I always knew that words could kill, but it just dawned on me that they could kill me that much. For weeks I kept blaming and punishing myself for what I had done, I was having wars in my head and her words were playing on repeat all the time. I was feeling worthless, stupid, guilty and hurt. I was broken down, not because she was unwilling to forgive me, but because of the anger that she had been holding inside of her which finally exploded in front of me.

For weeks I tried to evaluate and reevaluate my actions and in the end I realized that I did all that I could and I had exhausted all possible scenarios; I admitted that I fucked up and I apologized and aggressively tried to make amends. But I also realized that me and her were more or less the same (as much as I really do not want to be compared to her, with all due respect lol). She was an angry person. She was holding so much anger and hate inside of her body that it just exploded, and me saying sorry to her was taken as a green light for her to lash out on all of her anger.

Now the thing with anger is... it is dangerous. Because I realized that all the things that she said to me were not all about me; sure there were stuff that I fully took responsibility of, but there were things that were clearly used for the sole purpose of hurting me. I remember vaguely saying, "excuse me but I do not know what you are referring to," but she did not care and thought I was talking back. Now, where I come from, talking back to an elder is considered as one of the biggest sins you could ever commit. So, I shut the fuck up instead.

When it comes to forgiveness, the old me was very similar to this woman. She was angry and unwilling to listen, she quickly made assumptions and conclusions based solely on her point of view, the rest of the world did not and should not matter. I did this as well, to the people who hurt me, and believe me (again) when I say, this did not bring me peace but only caused me so much pain.

So for the past six months or so I have been learning to be more forgiving; to never make assumptions on my own and to always ask for clarifications, when appropriate or needed. I know if I keep trying, I will be able to be a more honest, open and trusting person. And in the process, I am proud to say that I also have been able to forgive her.

And boy of boy, forgiveness feels amazing. I am lighter and freer. I still get scared sometimes, and I still find it hard to believe or put my trust in anybody, but I am getting there, I am hopeful. I know life is a series of lessons being taught, but always remember to enjoy it and have fun while taking all those lessons in...

[jiwa-jeannine]

“But I know about suffering; if that helps. I know that it ends.”

— James Baldwin, from If Beale Street Could Talk

[jiwa-jeannine]

I have something to tell you: Remembering 2021 and getting to know myself better

At the end of 2020, I thought the year 2021 was going to be mine. I was ready to win, I was ready to be happier that I had ever been in my entire life. I was very excited. The first quarter of 2021, I was busy running around town planning for what was supposed to be one of the biggest events in my life; I was planning for my new life. I was preparing myself for this new journey that I was going to embark with what people say "the one".

But then as time went by, everything started to go sideways. I was busy praying for the future that I was planning that I forgot to take care of myself. I spent too much time worrying about how I was carrying myself in front of everyone that I had forgotten who I was. At one point, I was basically setting myself on fire to keep my surroundings warm, but I didn't realize that I was basically killing and losing myself in the process, all I knew was that I needed to do everything that needed to be done, and I was willing to do everything, including begging and downgrading myself to someone who I really was not. And then in July, everything ended and I was left with nothing.

The breakup traumatized me to my very core. I was unable to get out of bed or even function as a normal human being. It wasn't the breakup or the separation that hurt me the most, it was the fact that the other person was not willing to put in the same work and effort as I had given out. He was quiet at times when I needed him to speak up, even worse, he just sat there, unwilling to fight or even participate in any battles or conversations that involved our future. On top of that I also had to re-learn and re-adjust everything, because for the past six months or so, I had been planning for this new future, but it was all gone, so "what now? What do I do now?"

I remember staying in my bed for two weeks straight. I couldn't work, I couldn't eat and barely had any appetite at all. To put it simply, I was crushed and spent most of my time crying and popping pills from my doctor - hoping that the pain would go away, but I realized that it was going to be there for as long as it needed and I just had to accept it.

After a while (which includes an intense amount of therapy sessions, deep conversations with my family and friends, being under the sun, and just tons of takeouts), I was finally able to stand again on my two feet. I started with cleaning up my room, burning every memento that I had with my former significant other and talking about it (as much as I needed, as much as I thought was necessary). I also started journaling, registered myself to a Jesuit retreat, read a lot of books and started to focus on work again. I was making myself busy and learning how to embrace every situation on top of working on myself, over and over again. Eventually, I was able to adjust with the new situation I was in: alone and trying to get and be better.

It took me sitting with myself for a long time to finally realize that what I was doing previously was very unhealthy. I was enabling people to walk around me and push me over and over again, and I was okay with it, because I was promised that I would get love and affection in return. It took me longer to understand that I was manipulated, gaslit and used by the people who did not have the best intention for me. I didn't know better. At first I couldn't stop blaming myself, for everything that had happened, and apparently, for certain people, it was actually my fault (these people made sure that I knew it was all my fault, it all turned to shit because of me). But I eventually realized and understood that I had done everything that I could have and should have done and the rest was just divine intervention and God taking over and telling me that I deserved so much better.

Some time in September, I took some time off to visit my sister and brother in the United States. During my visit, I started to wear clothings that were more form-fitting and even started wearing shorts, skirts and tank tops again. Before that time, I was never comfortable wearing anything that were anything close to form-fitting or skin-showing, because I was constantly reminded of how big my arms were and how squishy my thighs were. But when I was in Portland, I was strolling around a local mall and I went into a Forever 21 and bought myself a pair of shorts, I thought to myself, "these look very cute, I wonder if these would look cute on me," and the rest was history. To my surprise, I even went on a date with someone in Seattle. We went out for dim sum somewhere in Downtown Seattle and talked about our lives. It was a surprise because I didn't think that I was ready; I was busy battling with my own thoughts about how no one was ever going to love me or how I was unworthy and ugly, but then I realized it was not me that was saying, it was my trauma and anxiety that were playing tricks on me, so to piss them off, I went anyway. It was one of the most memorable nights. Until this day, going out on that date remains to be one of the best decisions and moments in 2021.

After being back in Jakarta, feeling so fulfilled and sustained from the support of my family and friends and having a fun and gut-fulfilling trip (you should see the amount of food and drinks... lol), I was finally feeling like myself again. Matter of fact, I had never felt better. I was able to learn new things and unlearn all the negative things that had been planted in me with the intention of controlling me. At that moment, I realized that the breakup was a form of God's protection towards me and that it was just not meant to be. Suffice to say, it was one of the biggest blessings that happened to me in 2021.

I was finally able to say that I was happy again. Even though I am still learning how to let go of things and sometimes the memories from the past would crawl back to the top of my head and sit there to haunt me, but I have learnt to accept them as they as: a guest. I understand now that feelings are temporary and we should always embrace them and welcome them with open arms, otherwise they are just going to stand there and annoy the heck out of you, and besides, this way, I am able to enjoy life fully and life has never been more beautiful. It has its ups and downs and it is very exciting!

To sum up my 2021; it was a lot, and thankfully, I learnt a lot and was able to get to know myself a lot better as well. I now know that in every and any situation, we have to put ourselves first, because by the end of the day, it is us and just us.

I can't wait to live more and be more in the upcoming years. And one thing that I will always be excited about: being love, falling in love and sharing my love with everyone around me, and especially you, you know who you are. I am hoping that one day I am able to tell the world of how much I love and cherish you. You are my calm after the storm, you are the warmth when the sun rises.

For anyone who is reading this, thank you for listening to me and taking the time to read about my story, I love you for that. I hope that you are well and healthy, and most importantly content with yourself. I hope this new year will bring us more and more happiness and joy, and if things get hard, we are able to understand that it is just one of those things that we have to go through, it is a part of our lives and it is so beautiful. I also hope that you know how beautiful and important you are, if no one is saying that to you, then take it from me: you are beautiful and you are important to me. I love you and I will talk to you soon.

Berkah dalem.

[jiwa-jeannine]

For as long as I have you

If you'll have me, I want to take you to the moon, have a bite of the stars, and drink water in Mars.

If you'll have me, I want to take you on a journey, look for the missing piece of my heart, just so that I can put it in yours.

If you'll have me, I want to take a bite of your lips, run away with it, and put all of you in my pocket.

But knowing full well of what it is and what it is not, for as long as I have you, you will always have me, and for as long as you have me, I hope I will always have you.

[jiwa-jeannine]

Setidaknya

Sayangku, kamu bisa pergi, berlalu bersama dengan angin, melanjutkan perjalananmu untuk mencari bintang timur.

Aku akan tetap tinggal di sini, di rumahku, tempat di mana aku bermuara, tetapi, terima kasih banyak sudah bersinggah, berbagi cerita dan cinta, meninggalkan ciuman dan kemesraan, hatiku telah merayakanmu, jemariku telah menggenggammu, mataku telah mendoakanmu, dan tubuhku akan mengingatmu.

Walau kamu sudah tidak lagi ada di sini, setidaknya kenanganmu masih bisa kupeluk, selama yang aku mau, sepanjang aku perlu.

[jiwa-jeannine]

Selfish

There are days when thinking about you makes me want to cry, so I weep in the darkness, at the corner of my heart, there is a safe space where there is only me, and me alone. There, I would spend a good hour or so, looking at the sky and thinking about you, me, and the memories of my hands running through your hair.

There are days when thinking about you makes me want to die, but because I love life too much, I just let some parts of me go everyday, along with the thought of us being together, walking side by side by the shore, touching your lips and kissing them during the sunset, our hands interlocking and our heartbeats syncing.

In my mind, there is only you and me, being in each other's embrace, and whenever I am not with you, every second feels like forever.

Everyday I bargain with the universe to work in my favor, but it always is; So my questions is, if it always is, why are you not mine?