jlmsue

[jlmsue]

Today is the first time I log into this site in literally years. I’m doing so to leave this post up. I wrote this diary post today 4/15/22 (in my notes) as a way to vent virtually and to eventually find it someday to see if I deprove or improve if I ever see this again.

This week has been devastating for my mental health so far

I haven’t felt this way mentally in a long time, I feel so drained of energy and it’s been hard to even attempt to fake a smile now.

Starting Tuesday (the 12th) I woke up and almost immediately sank into my emotions and had s**cidal thoughts for the first time in a long while (all before the afternoon). I felt the day just drag on but my mind was clouded by this impending sadness and dread.

The next day I tried to forget about it because I worked in the early morning. I think the amount of shipment I had to do brought me down mentally (and eventually physically) because I did not do well that day. Everything was just bringing me down. Even after talking about my depression to my manager David I couldn’t bring myself out of it for the gym and I cut my workouts short because I didn’t have the energy or will to finish. On the drive home I had an emotional breakdown driving, I had to extend my drive because I did not have the nerve to step into my home so soon, teary eyed and cloudy minded with the thought of my death and having s**cidal thoughts, and just genuinely feeling like a failure. Having to suck it up and pretend nothing happened while running errands soon afterwards have had my feelings bottled up and waiting to explode out.

Thursday went kind of normal but still had my depression lingering, but today (Friday the 15th) everything is hitting again. It started off great by sleeping in, but my plans for today falling apart (for what reason I still do not know) broke me, I’ve been in my bedroom for several hours basking in my depression and s**cidal thoughts again. Even another (this time brief) emotional breakdown has not helped in getting my mind out of this state. I feel physically weak right now and I’ve lost my appetite for today. I just need to let it out.

I haven’t felt this way in a long time but I know this is a sign that I have let myself fall into this again and I feel more vulnerable now. It’s gonna happen often like it used to in years past.

I need a friend, or a drink, or a cure, or a gun (or all of the above) because right now I feel like absolute shit and I have no idea what to do. I’m so sorry that I’m easy to break.

Edit: several minutes after writing this but it hit me, I’m letting some good amount of tears out again. I’ve had a headache all day and honestly I feel both physically and mentally unwell.

[jlmsue]

barcelona, 2019

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Alex Turner of The Last Shadow Puppets at Primavera Sound, 03/06/16

photo by me

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Tyler the Creator and A$AP Rocky at III Points Festival.

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Cedar Point - Sandusky, Ohio

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Telfar concepts by: Magnus Juliano | 📸 by: Mystic Eléna (2021)

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small tan telfar bag

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Parents be like “you know you can talk to me about anything right?” and then make it extremely clear it will go very poorly if you talk to them about specific things

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tshirt that reads "I went to the doctor and all they tested was my patience"

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Jordan Torres by Torian Lewin – Crotch Magazine #4

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Sarah Jessica Parker, “Hocus Pocus” (Kenny Ortega, 1993).

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