joaveisbae-blog

[joaveisbae-blog]

Mi nuh wa buddy anymore

Lately I've been single , like Pro single & this is impossible for me tbh , ever since I began social media I always craved attention . Always wanted someone to talk to , I was so desperate for it and would go to the extent of humiliating myself on SM just for it , posting stupid shit to increase my popularity and to keep my DMs and PMs popping . that was my problem , I was too busy looking for attention when I already had it ! I was too busy looking for attention online, I neglected my freinds , family and my actual life that was already there giving me all the attention I needed. I was so into flirting and send nudes that I became obsessed with this way of life , I was addicted to always talking to a number of people via SM who I've never met or known personally , pretending or acting even in my speech/captions as someone I'm not just to be liked ,giving them whatever they wanted be it nudes , time , credit and many other things I will not mention , just for the attention , the company , the constant messaging . when I look back upon myself tho I feel disgusted, as to why I gave myself to these strangers , why I was wasting my time trying to build relationships with people I barely knew , why I was giving a peice of myself to people who didn't deserve it . Now that I have attention , I have people who want to talk to me 24/7 , people who even wanna settle (not even joking) , I don't want it anymore mainly beacause I hate that I wasted my time, I don't regret it tho (I've made like 4 quality friends via SM) I hate that I was too worried about what people thought of me , when I could've been studying , learning a new language or even trying out on my dreams . it sucks we can't reverse time but I'm grateful for the time I now have to change my priorities and If I'm gonna fall I love with someone , I don't want them to be someone I've grown habit to just because we text everyday. I wanna fall in love with their jokes , their weird facial expressions , their annoying laugh , their embarrassment's, the way they walk , their voice basically I wanna fall I love with someone's soul not their presence through a fucken gadget however the fact though that I let myself fall in love with and have a heartbreak from an online relationship is sickening , so much so that I temporarily threw my sexuality away (honestly),I've cut out everyone that I used to "talk" to , I don't want a partner anymore all because I let myself get so attached to what I was reading not observing but reading . letters that aligned to make my heart jump that were at the command of the typer , words that meant so much to the reader but were just seen as a reply vice versa .I could refresh my apps but my life didn't refresh , and my perception of reality remained distorted. I was still living in this made up reality and realizing this hit me like a brick, realizing that I didn't need a wet DM , realizing that I didn't always have to be talking to someone. Realizing that my own company isn't that bad , realizing that there's so much more to life than giving my everything to a relationship based on a phone . through these many relos or "tings" I got to see a lot of genitals but I'm actually disgusted with it altogether now( although were hot as before) .I mean I like I'm just not into seeing anyone else's anymore , I'm not into being called babe or bae anymore unless of course its in a loving friendly way . I'm not into being tied down to always having to reply to a msg just to keep this ship that I built with a stranger a float . I'm not anti-socialmedia , I love it , I love being able to see my best friend in Sydney and stunt too but I'm not here for "met online " shit I'm here for the "met at a crop over fest" kinda shit , I'm here for the "met in prison" kinda shit . sorry if this is the most irrelevant piece of shit you ever read .