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johthoughts · 6 years ago

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Why i will likely never fall in love again

This could be interesting.

My memory runs back in time to year 2012 where I started talking to this beautiful girl on Facebook. Not to mention, i had not had a girlfriend before this. This was pretty much my first time talking to a girl with a everyday-burning sensation of seeing her. Soon, I realized that i was in love with her. Fast forward to January 2013, the relationship was marked official. It was a beautiful time with her. Towards the end of 2013, the storm hit the lighthouse and the tower fell apart as she claimed that she wanted to get back with her ex. This was my first time in 17 years, i had felt such a pain. I didn’t know what to do. Every dark cloud has a silver lining they say. This adversity, without a question, turned my life around. I’ll tell you why.

I had to find a way to get over her. I, for a fact, knew finding another one would not be grasping at straws. I always knew Drinking and drugs were for weak so that was anyway not an option. So i had to think of a way. I thought and thought until it dawned on me that understanding the very nature of how i started feeling like this and why i started feeling like this would pave the way for me to find what i seek. I realized that thinking was the only way thru this. I promised myself to be honest in answering and asked ‘why do you think you still need her?’. I said, i felt good when she was around and it was always great to have a companion by your side to share your everything so that i can feel as if i have expanded myself into two. Why do you hate her now? I questioned. I said, because we had a mutual agreement that we would never let each other go no matter what. But she broke the vow and how dare she leaves me just like that, a weak me answered. Just like this, i tried conquering this issue in every direction thru more questions until I had finally stopped at one specific query.

“Will you still feel like loving her if her physical body was gone while only her soul which is intangible is in front of you? Not death! You can only feel the soul but no body and that’s how you identify her”. My answer was, umm! Yeah i might still like her but not for long for sure. Because for things to workout, there should be physical contact in the long run. This had my eyes opened. I started looking back at my relationship. Whenever i went down on her, i felt deeply connected to her. Then I come home and i felt like ‘fuck it! I need her right now’ so that i will not run out of my current deep connection to her. And the same process went in circles. In the end of the day, it was my sensual sentiment that had fueled the relationship. I saw this as a car and energy. My relationship was the car and sexuality was the fuel. For the car to run, i must make sure the tank is full.

I never drew a conclusion and ended the case there. I was in a quest of finding the ultimate answer so that i would never get betrayed in my life. Fastforwarded, In 2016, the same girl and I got back together. Despite things had changed massively at this point in my life and had zero feelings on her, i still said yes! Mainly due to the fact that I hadn’t had any physical contact with a girl in two years and this seemed like an opportunity. On the very first day i met her after years, what all my thoughts and emotions collectively said was to get nasty and I succeeded in doing so. Over the weeks, did twice, thrice and many times until i got tired doing that and had lost all my interest in her. I was written in the history books of my clique as the first person to get depressed for having a girl. I just couldn’t take it anymore so i let the cat outta the bag and I simply walked out. She cried in rivers but i was like, for the truth to be told, better late than never.

After two months from the incident, the girl who died for me was with another dude. At first, i was really upset because she moved on before i knew it which seemed humanly impossible to me. I knew this adversity would seal the deal for me. I realized what we had been doing was like a running a mutual benefit scheme for both our physical and emotional needs. Ones those needs are satisfied, we don’t want the supplier anymore. If needs are not satisfied, we will find another supplier. To put this into perspective, i started eating Pasta as my dinner which was my favorite food at the time everyday for 3 months. Towards the end of the third month, i hated it because i had had enough eating that although i thought i would never lose interest in my fav food. You might have experienced the same when you listened to your fav music for a long time.

I was pretty convinced by what i found. I knew even if i found someone else, i would still have to go thru the same process. ‘So whats love’ i asked. You can share things, feel stronger as i have doubled yourself, the society will accept you, pictures for the gram, all these are true. You are in it, because your needs(final one at least) are yet to be satisfied. Once that’s done, you will start distancing yourself from each other. Why would she fall for someone else while with you is because, as she feels, he is likely to satisfy her needs better than you can. Simple. The ultimate need of person in a normal state of mind would be to be physical connected to oneself because in nature, humans are to always explore his current dimension. So in that case, once you have explored into oneself enough, you will gain the urge to explore into another while subconsciously losing the need to connect to the previous one.

When you look at it, if you call satisfying one’s certain needs through another human being especially while being fueled by physical connection with that person, Love, yeah! Thats love. To me, it is not! Once you are married, there will be a time where you will lose all your interest as your body stops producing oxytocin which is often called as ‘love hormone’, you will likely understand what I’m saying here. I do not see love between a girl and boy in current context and i have found enough to say it straight. So is getting laid without being In a relationship the answer? Up to a certain extent, yes! But that’s the weak way. Even dogs do that. Will talk about the solution in another article. Finally, Having known what i know, i will likely never fool myself and fool another human being ever again. Because lying is a sin.

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johthoughts · 6 years ago

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Why I don’t decide to do a job

I started doing Human Resource Management back in 2014 just after my A/L after i was advised by one of my dad’s friends who happened to be a Charted Accountant. I had zero knowledge in what i was getting myself into and at this point, i had been conditioned to think finding a job was the only way to survive in life. Little did I know about life, I admitted that because i had no strength to question their will. I was indoctrinated to believe success consists of money, power and social status. So getting the degree was the only way through, it seemed.

I had been studying for two years and i had never felt excited to get off the bed and go to lectures which might seem obvious to a lot of you. At this point, what i was gonna do with a degree in hand was clear to me. Obviously, to find a job, make enough money to raise a family and say with pride to my people that i am such a guy. Despite i had already understood that was a stupid way to go about in life, i was never ready turn back as my parents had invested a lot already and were expecting a lot out of me. I knew i was suffering knowing that i was gonna do something meaningless for the rest of my life.

I saw this as a fish in a tank vs a fish in the ocean. Fish in a tank was safer and fed on time but within the tank was all it could explore whereas a fish in the ocean had to fight for his survival but he had an almost limitless area to explore. I have always wanted to be a fish in the ocean regardless of the possible merits i would miss if i were in a tank.

It’s a fact that people do not get to do what they wish just like they want them to happen. But still when I saw 90% of my friends from the university who was already employed was complaining how they don’t like their jobs. I saw the feeling of being stuck in their eyes. I felt the tone of ‘what if i could do something else’ in their voice. I knew something was horribly wrong with what they were doing. They were constantly whining about how they do not find the freedom they deserve. On top of it, how they are not financially able to do half of what they want to do minimally. But one thing was contrasty. They were always talking bout how they would make this much in the future. How they would have this much freedom in the future. I don’t know about the future but one thing was certain. Most of them were not happy with their lives in present.

I tried to understand their motives of doing what they do and it was pretty straightforward. They had been weakened to a point where they were blindfolded so that they could not see where their talents could bring them. Instead, they simply had to accept the common belief of the society and carry that on. The society-created success was all they sought but never realized It was the biggest trap. One thing I identified was that once they were in a 9-5, you are less likely to escape. That’s the power of the bait.

I could always be wrong. But at least, i was honest enough to understand that i should not let myself suffer in the short life. This life is beautiful. Its us who make it miserable through the things we do ourselves and point the finger at someone else. No! We are responsible. So on beautiful day, i made the choice. No matter how rough financially it is gonna be, no matter what the society will say and no matter even if i fail, I AM GONNA DO WHAT I LOVE. Since then up-to date, i have never worked in job. I call myself boss. I make my own financial accounts. I establish the marketing strategy. Above all, every single day I wake up, i know for a fact, i might get sad due to certain incidents but never will I complain about my life. Has there been months which are not good? Plenty! They have always encouraged me to put in more effort and to learn more. I might go out of business one day. I will figure it out then. Not now. I have no future plans such as driving a Mercedes or to build a mansion. My only every-day goal is to be happy and share as i have. Nature will take of the rest.

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johthoughts · 6 years ago

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Why i don’t have a religion

I was born a Buddhist.

I was about 18 years old when this thought hit my mind. My mom being one of the most religious in my family, had taken me to the temple during my A/L period as she belived that Bodhi Pooja would bring blessings to succeed in my exam. I was assigned to read a book of Ghatha out loud before Bodhi tree and I had been doing that throughout the course of a week i came to the temple. On this particular day, while reading words that I don’t even understand, i asked myself ‘what the fuck am I doing?’ Because despite my mom’s beliefs and efforts, the end goal of me coming to the temple was never clear to me. All she had fed me with is the thought that Buddha will bless you. I dunno either to my stupidity or to the real urger to challenge the unknown, i was always debating, how does a Ghatha in a book which I don’t even understand will eventually help me succeed in an exam? How do I know the blessings Kapu Mahattaya gives are the real influence of God? How do i know the Pooja watti I present will be consumed by God in some way? How come giving money to a temple is a merit whereas most of the beggers outside the temple get rejected by the same people? Why did we always have to give money to Kapu Mahattaya in order to be blessed? and more questions.

Fast foward to 2017, i wanted to win the puzzle that was left unsolved in my mind. I knew asking someone will not sort this out because that will be merely another opinion. All i knew was finding the answer was to question myself until won. I started deeply thinking why dont i feel connected to my religion? This simple question had taken me so far that I isolated myself from the rest of the world, in my room, all i did was thinking. All in all, the answer had finally stopped at a very simple yet very deep word. “Believe”. In spite of going to the temple, i had never belived in my religion. I asked myself why? He said, because there is no reason to belive. I questioned why? ‘You were born a Buddhist. Being born to a certain religion is not your choice. But whether to accept or to debate the necessity of it based on facts is always a choice.’ said Myself. Who wrote all these books? How sure are you that Buddha said what has been said in the books? Show me evidence of his presence? I know it’s harsh. But this was my longing to seek what was unknown. Not a long ago, I looked into my own mother, who was a woman of religion to clarify to myself what i dont understand. I still saw Anger, i saw Sorrow, I saw Narrow thinking, I saw doubt and hate. I thought to myself, i; a person who is not a believer have the same as she has. What’s the difference? I came to a realization that many people do wish for things in the name of religion. They ask more for themselves and their loved ones. But not a thing for the ones they dont know. They go by the default belief that Pooja Watti and Ghatha will bring them merits and that’s the way to respect Buddha. Rich temples. Expensive cars for the head monk. Run to the temple in adversity and on Poya days. I saw no meaning in it.

I realized all these peole just do what was passed on to them by their parents without seeking a meaning of it. It was really saddening to see that and at the same time, it encouraged me to find a greater meaning than what was already seen. I started understanding the philosophy of buddhism than trying to act like a Buddhist. I watched a lot of videos of Buddhism philosophy and it had me excited to an extent but not fully. I knew something was missing. Soon it dawned on me that i was looking without when i should have been looking within. I soon started observing my default behavior and i saw patterns which are in line with mother nature. I slowly understood that we have been taught to compete. In competition, winning is the only way to be happy and those who lose will be issued the ticket to suffer. Even the winners will eventually lose their joy of victory that they will be left with no choice but to suffer. Is life all about suffering? I asked myself. No, he screamed. To suffer, you must go through the process of competition. I have this, he doesn’t have that so im happy. He has that and i don’t have this, so im sad. What an ignorant way to go about in life, claimed myself . In certain books, even the way the world ends is explained. ‘probability’ is the only law you can rely on when believing it or not. Because the word believe, if you look at it, is an expression of NOT KNOWING. Because if you truly knew, you’d say ‘I know’. So what you do is simply guessing. If that incident occurs, God is real. If not, you make another story to still belive in God.I started understanding the laws of nature just by looking at myself. I asked myself, im a part of nature. If I understood this much just by looking at one simple piece of it, how big will i understand if i look in to the whole of her?

In 2019, I realized why I didn’t understand the logic behind why i went to the temple at the age of 18. The philosophy of buddhism is entirely inspired by mother nature. When nature is all i have around me, give me one reason for me to need a religion?

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