jointcrisiscommittee2017 - Tumblr blog

[jointcrisiscommittee2017]

Peace on all fronts

After years of fighting, the war popularly known as “World War M3me” has finally come to an end. The Slavic Federation has conquered European territory all the way to the border of Germany, while the Chinese Empire has taken South Korea, Japan, Western China, Taiwan, and the entirety of southeast Asia as its own. Pakistan has regained full autonomy. The European Union has become a theocratic government under control of the Pope, but has taken severe losses of both land and lives. Officially, Russia and China have emerged as winners of the war, while the EU (now known as the European League of God [ELG]) is the war’s biggest loser.

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Eastern European Civilians Suffer Massive AIDS Epidemic

After the Saturday mail posting, EU civilians in Eastern Europe are testing positive for AIDS. They have 10 years to live in dread before they will all die from opportunistic diseases. 

[jointcrisiscommittee2017]

Godzilla DNA Recovered by Russia!

Russian scientists, in collaboration with Japanese scientists, have discovered a massive reptilian scale 15 meters in length from the deep sea. DNA has been recovered, and efforts are being made to recreate the gigantic seabeast.

[jointcrisiscommittee2017]

Chinese... dragons?

The airspace over Russia has been dominated by Chinese forces after the introduction of ancient Chinese dragons with missiles strapped to their backs. Apparently the Chinese have held these dragons in reserve for millennia, waiting for when their nation needed them most.

[jointcrisiscommittee2017]

EU Rebrands Itself

The EU has made itself into the new Anti-Slavic States [ASS] and has transformed itself into a Catholic lead theocratic Democracy lead by the Pope, because nothing is more anti-slavic and eastern European than good old-fashioned Catholicism. Reading the Bible prior to a law will allow it to be justified and passed in A.S.S. law.

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Resistance Crushed in China

Rebellion in Southern China was crushed yesterday by the new Chinese Panda Cavalry Division. “Those freaks had it coming,” said the Party Chairman.

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Circus Massacre

5 Russian Ministers dead in a plot by the Chinese. The Chinese funded a circus and poisoned the snow cones, which 5 Russian Ministers attended late yesterday afternoon.

[jointcrisiscommittee2017]

African Empire!

The Party Chairman of the People’s Republic of China went on television today to announce the conquering of South Sudan by the Chinese-controlled Congo, and its unification into one joint nation: the African Union of China (AUC). “A historic day for Communism,” he said.

[jointcrisiscommittee2017]

MASSIVE BUILDUP OF SLAVIC TROOP RECRUITMENT

The Slavic Federation and all of her allies, including India and Central Asian nations, are in full recruiting mode. At this rate, each month they will recruit approximately 1 million people (estimates of 2.7 million per month were sorely optimistic due to health problems, recruitment exceptions, etc.). 

FURTHERMORE, the Indian carrier fleet has now met with the Slavic carrier fleet in Bosporus. Both of them are now entering the Mediterranean Sea, rapidly approaching Italy...

[jointcrisiscommittee2017]

Minor Smallpox Epidemic in EU

A sudden epidemic of smallpox has struck many civilians within the EU, particularly those who work closely in the EU cabinet. Surprising new symptoms include mouth sores and abdomen rupturing after two days of infection. However, the current smallpox vaccine that virtually 100% of EU citizens have taken has ensured that the epidemic has been well-contained thus far.

[jointcrisiscommittee2017]

EU on the Move

Russian Morale is low after massive amounts of their vodka were filled with laxatives, resulting a a DIRE health problem across the Slavic Federation Western Front. While this will certainly provide the country with more fertilizer, the soldiers are not as optimistic. However, morale instantly increased as soon the EU airdropped many gifts across the Western front. A Slavic Federation local commander posted online the following comment “It was really nice of the Europeans to get the right fit for us, A little creepy how they knew though. We’re gonna need them ;)”   Additionally the EU has been training a group of Orcas for military operations called the Blackfish Division. Also they are attempting to develop a time machine.

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Russian “Plane of Planes” Deployed to the Eastern Front!

In retaliation for the destruction of Russian forces in Kaliningrad by Brazilian forces, the Russians have built a plane made up of thousands of individual planes. Piloted by the Russian Minister of Air Forces, this massive bird is wreaking havoc across the Eastern European frontier, as its loudspeakers blast “Tunak Tunak Tun” across the battlefield, confusing the enemy and even causing some of them to defect to India. 

Indian Prime Minister Daler Mehndi has issued a statement openly welcoming all defectors. “Balle balle!” said Mehndi, as he closed his speech, to massive applause by both Indian citizens and European defectors alike.

[jointcrisiscommittee2017]

NEW RUSSIAN BEAR CAVALRY ANNOUNCED: THE MICHA DIVISION

The latest addition to the Russian war machine: bear cavalry, painted communist red, with machine guns mounted on their backs. The bear cavalry has yet to be deployed, but has already been paraded through Red Square, boosting morale among the populace.

[jointcrisiscommittee2017]

The Carnival of Keliningrad

Late yesterday evening, the Brazilian military mobilized in a massive ground-air-sea invasion of Kaliningrad. After slaughtering Russian resistance, the Brazilians claimed the city on behalf of the Chinese and hosted a massive Carnival for the beleaguered citizens of the city, gaining their trust and support.

[jointcrisiscommittee2017]

Global Updates

The EU succeeded in surrounding the area of Kaliningrad. Despite airstrikes from the Slavic Federation forces the EU used superior local naval and ground forces to finish off the cities encirclement with nearly 100,000 soldiers inside. Russian forces are mobilizing across the empire but no relief force was sent, much to the dismay of the local Slavic Federation forces. Additionally, some tension has grown within the Western Chinese (Uyghurstan) - Indian Alliance as rumors swirl of insults thrown between the Hindu, Buddhist, and Muslim constituents, mostly over the morality of eating beef (India has none). This has blunted the counter attack launched by them to counter the Chinese offensive as local commanders are not coordinating attacks. The EU attempted to launch missiles to strike Russian targets, but many were taken down by missile defense systems in the areas around Vladivostok still held by Slavic Federation Forces. Rumors swirl that the EU has been stockpiling herbicides but they do not have access to Slavic Federation territory on which they can use it.

[jointcrisiscommittee2017]

GIANT TRANSFORMING AERIAL KILLER ROBOT LIBERATES VLADIVOSTOK!!!

A massive killer robot that can transform into a flying vehicle has brutally massacred the Chinese occupation forces surrounding Vladivostok, liberating the Russian troops trapped in the city. Sources say this robot has been in development for years now. See attached picture for a snapshot of the robot.

[jointcrisiscommittee2017]

EU Invasion Forces Harried by Air

Several squadrons of Russian bombers/fighters/drones arrived from Turkey to the Eastern European front, bombarding EU infantry positions around Kaliningrad. The EU forces suffered moderate losses, and have been ground to a halt by the aerial reinforcements.