joleanssurvivor

[joleanssurvivor]

Maybe I am meant to be someone who just pours out. Maybe it will never happen for me. Maybe there is something happening for me that I haven't arrived at yet. Yet it still stands that I am everything to everyone. I am all of this except to me. In all of this is a great travail but when will it come? I don't know.

[joleanssurvivor]

There is something waiting to be birthed out of me. Something calling for me to go higher. I want my friends to be proud of me. I also need to stop worrying about what I want from and for them at the same time. I need to look inside of myself. Anger, resentment, sometimes loneliness, pushing my feelings aside to please others have been the move lately. It’s time for me to rise. I need a lot of prayer to get me out of this phase. I‘m not coping properly. My heart is still broken and there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think of him. I still want to act but haven’t. I want to sing but haven’t stepped into the light of my own. I want to do so much but others want me to be who they want me to be. I already know who I am, and it doesn‘t fit into their categories. The time will come. When it does. I want to be ready. I will be. Ready.

[joleanssurvivor]

The Revelation

Been so long since I’ve been on here. I’ve grown. A lot. I’m in my last semester of school, and I’m in a toxic relationship. Wishing that it would change and see the manifestation. I know is has possibility but no capacity. What does this say about who I am? I have been wondering. I have realized so much about who and how I used to be which caused others to exit my life. I see this because now I know that I may have to exit this relationship because I have outgrown them. It hurts but I realize why now sometimes you just have to cut someone cold turkey. Just like that. I am understanding now why having no boundaries is so dangerous. I understand and in the past months I have forgiven myself for the things I thought I had forgiven long ago. I know that God forgave me. He has given me permission to leave at any time if I feel that it is too much to bare. I am so glad that I can hear his voice. I’m 24 years old. I want a house. I want to go to New York and just live there. And if not there a nice house in the south just performing and traveling living my life until someone finds me and we can live the rest of our lives together. I can only imagine what they felt when I was doing these things to them. I see now. And I release that from my life. I have had a revelation. I am moving forward.

[joleanssurvivor]

Thank You in Absence

April 22nd was so important to me. I wish you could've seen me. I know you would've been so proud. I'm no Jessye or anyone special in opera but I did it. Almost 5 years ago I was inspired by you. It touched my heart and I thought of you before I walked out on stage. I could only imagine how you felt doing all of this. I'm older now and a lot more is clear. Everything happens for a reason. And I'm glad it did. I'm proud of you. Thank you for being my inspiration even though you are not here anymore. Your absence does more than your presence. That is a lot more than I can say for anyone else. Thank you. Over my head I hear music in the air. There must be a God somewhere.

[joleanssurvivor]

The Result of Inspiration

[joleanssurvivor]

The Book of Enoch

You came and put me back together. I love you.

[joleanssurvivor]

Response to Sting

God I thank you for giving me the mindset to have self checks. I thank you for still allowing me to feel the sting of things that bring me back to the reality so often that I need to constantly stay focused on you. God I thank you for delivering me out of a toxic relationship. God I thank you for never letting me down. I thank you.

[joleanssurvivor]

The List

I forgive myself for being angry with my mother. I forgive myself for thinking I should not have been angry with my mother. I forgive myself for asking for help at the last minute. I forgive myself for feeling like I should not ask for help. I forgive myself for being depressed for the last 4 years. I forgive myself for not being a good sister. I forgive myself for not being a good friend. I forgive myself for not being a good aunt. I forgive myself for being angry with my aunt. I forgive myself for loving Hannaan more than I loved myself. I forgive myself for being suicidal. I forgive myself for lashing out at Hannaan because she she was the first person to show me love and it was unfamiliar to me. I forgive myself for thinking something was wrong with me when I was beaten. I forgive myself for not resting more. I forgive myself for resting too much. I forgive myself for not speaking my truth. I forgive myself for being afraid to speak my truth. I forgive myself for having a mental breakdown from losing Hannaan. I forgive myself for not giving myself enough time to heal. I forgive myself for being lazy. I forgive myself for not trying. I forgive myself for being hard on myself. I forgive myself for criticizing others. I forgive myself for blaming others. I forgive myself for not setting boundaries when I knew better. I forgive myself for using people to my advantage. I forgive myself for allowing others to take advantage of me. I forgive myself for ignoring my gift. I forgive myself for allowing others to reject the protection of my heart. I forgive myself for my own rejection.

[joleanssurvivor]

Suicide Prevention

As I stood there in the walkway of Josh’s apartment complex looking at the sun, I nervously breathed in and out as my mind wandered. I had just finished talking to Claudia over FaceTime. I sent her a text message that read “I love you too. I must have peace and serenity. I'm sorry I'm doing all of this. I need to get away. But that doesn't mean I don't love you or care. You're my best friend and my soul sister and you've always been there for me. Thank you.” I knew she would read it and not understand that I was “going away” for good. I then sent Zoë a text message saying something to the effect of “Where are you Zoë monster? I need you.” I let her know I would be gone by the time anyone got to me. It was selfish, but I didn’t care. I walked towards the car with the hose in my hand. I had to settle for a small hose instead of the large one at Walmart. I was mad about it. I had wanted it to be over quickly. The more poison flowing in the better. As I put the hose into the exhaust pipe, I noticed a little boy coming from the walkway and towards the car parked next to me. As he got inside I noticed his mother had been in the drivers seat the whole time. She was very short and petite so I didn’t notice. Or maybe I did. Maybe I wanted her to stop me. Maybe I didn’t care. The look on her face told me she had seen me put the hose in. As I took the other end and got into the car, she stared at me, then the car, then her child. She sat for a few more minutes then backed out of the parking lot slowly. I closed the door and thought “Wow, maybe I do need to die.” I turned on the radio and reclined my seat all the way back. Josh began texting me constantly, which I had expected. When I started to “do the work” as my at home counselor Iyanla Vanzant would say, I began to get angry. “Too much work. I don’t want to do this. Bottom line I’m just messed up. I’ve done all that I could do and I’m still not good enough. I’m done. I’m tired of this.” I started the engine. I closed my eyes as Twinkie Clark crooned out the lyrics to “Coming Again So Soon” featuring the Florida A&M Gospel Choir. “Jesus King of Kings died on Calvary”.... “Isn’t that something, and now I’m about to die too.”, I thought. Making light of everything. It had become so natural of me. After all, that’s what I did after every lie that I was told as an adolescent came back to slap me. I started feeling sleepy. “It’s working finally.”, I thought. Glass. So much glass. The police had to burst through the glass to unlock the door. I was determined to die. So much air I breathed in. So much disappointment. So much anger. Now I’m still here and I’m doing the work. I’m looking at that friendship and realizing that I was worth so much and them not seeing that was not my cue to take myself out. It was my cue to accept it and move forward in healing. So much healing to do. So much success to sail through in the future. Sitting in my truth, I have found fresh air again.

[joleanssurvivor]

Revealed

I talked to your brother yesterday. I knew I needed to speak with him. As you know, he is my “kindred soul.” I sent him a message on Facebook expressing my feelings about you. Once again, I found myself thinking about you. I found myself thinking about us walking through the grass on field day. I could hear the sounds of Monet and Keisha arguing. The sound of a whistle letting us know we had gone too far out from the field away from our peers. “I will be seeing him when I go back to Detroit. I’ve talked to him and expressed myself. I wonder why I feel so strongly for him? Could it be due to the familiarity concerning the fact that I have always felt safe with him? I guess what I am asking is, what is a soulmate to you?” The answer your brother gave was more than I expected. I do not know exactly how I felt in that moment. I thought he said someone’s name or something. Maybe I heard the name Amina, or Mia. Yeah, for sure Mia. Another girl you were dating. That was it. You were focused on another relationship. But I recalled when we talked you did not mention that. Men. That is the word I heard. I was just unprepared. In denial. Then, my mind started playing the field day scene again. This time I saw the way you looked away when I told you what I heard earlier that day. Some rumor about you. I saw how deeply you were breathing as you refused to give it any acknowledgement. The school bell rang ending our conversation and I knew we would not continue it, for the six remaining years we were together. Kevin Nichols. A man that gave me animus to love for so long. Today marked the day I learned who you are. Mind you, I am aware that you are still evolving. I understand that you wanted to be that fairytale for me. That is why you have not told me. This is okay. I still love and accept you. I have to say, I thank your brother. I can let you go now. Shit. My life won’t let me get one perfect thing in. Lol.

[joleanssurvivor]

Feel your Feelings

Today I felt residue of frustration. I sat in that. I felt that. I really FELT what I was feeling. Then, I breathed.

[joleanssurvivor]

Different Approach

God I thank you. I just pray about things now. I have laughter in my spirit. Thank you.

[joleanssurvivor]

Reflecting

Chile. I used to beat myself up so much in these writings lol. What was I thinking? Gotta be more careful. That thing had me beating myself UP. Smh. Lol. I was so depressed in that situationship.

[joleanssurvivor]

My Truth

I just saw a number in my phone with a Memphis area code. I thought to myself, “what is her number again?”. This is the first time where I could not remember it right off. The other day I was fine, the whole day. I did really well. I even patted myself on the back for being such a trooper. The next morning, I began to think. I started thinking about the woman who is your friend who apparently had all the things I did not. More structured in your eyes I guess. More holy and on track. How you loved but never really liked me. How I declared you as my best friend, not a mutual decision on both parts. I should have known then that I was forcing something. I started thinking about how I so badly wanted to inform you of the repulsive conversations I have heard about, but are no longer my concern because you are no longer my friend. I started thinking about how the “unresolved emotional issues” in the words of Charles *scoffs* in reality, are issues that you could never come to term with. The issue of knowing that Chris had a habit of not being able to keep his hands to himself, leaving me with him, and putting me in the hands of a person who put me in danger. You, not being able to come to grips with the fact that, IT HAPPENED. You not being able to take off the mask and understand that you let it happen by KNOWING these things could potentially occur. This, this is okay. This is okay because I do not hate Chris. I do not hate Charles either. How could I be upset with Charles for wanting to be with you? How could I be upset with both of you being together? How could I be upset with either of them when it is you who would rather continue a cycle of foolishness, instead of move away from it like you so badly claimed you desired? Me. Let’s focus on that for a second. I did things. I was dysfunctional due to traumatizing events that never gave me the chance to fully enjoy my college career initially. I was mentally and emotionally wrecked and used it as a crutch to make you feel awful because you could never admit that you let such a thing occur. I was hurt, and I hurt you. But what’s your line? For letting someone call me and my love for music demonic? For letting them influence you so easily? Giving me all of your organization items? Calling everything toxic and demonic when you were immersed in many things yourself, and still are. What is YOUR line? For not telling your mother the TRUTH? About yourself? You know, when I stood in the face of your mother, a woman who I admire for the love of her daughter, I wanted to tell her the truth so badly. But I respected the fact that you like to keep things private with her. Especially the other side of you. You know, the side that I know of. What is YOUR line? For telling a man who does not know a thing about me, MY business? And YOURS! For me having to hear about it? I thought we were done with those type of men. Then.....then. Then I thought about how one day, I am going to be a Broadway star. How one day I can finally tell my story. How I can talk about my healing journey and how you wrote me off too soon. How I could have lost my life in that car thinking about if you still cared about me or not. MY GOD! I could have died caring about what someone else thought of me! How you were so “weighed down” in the words of Charles that you counted me out. How I was so “weighed down” by you for three years while you went through the trials of your life, that I was worn out by the time opportunity had come for me to go through mine. Oh, how easy it is to throw away a seed. How you complained about always focusing on me that you never realized that I always focused on you. How you never understood that I gave so much of myself to you, without a single complaint from you about it, that I lost myself. Now I’m back. I can honestly say that I do not hate you. What I can say, is that I am WORKING hard to live my life to the best of my ability. If I ever were to see your face again, when you are not dodging and hiding from me or anyone else, I will look in your eyes and know that I am living in my truth. I will know that choosing myself, my life, and my MIND was never a bad choice. Hannaan....I am going to keep putting love into my heart for you. I know that God wants me to do so because I cannot know love if I do not give it. I cannot ask for forgiveness if I do not give it. You made your choice, and I have made mine. I choose love. Real love. For I find that love will ALWAYS be a pathway to my peace.

[joleanssurvivor]

Gullible

I could never tell her anything when it came to men. I wouldn’t be able to tell her now. So gullible lol. The things I continuously learn through her. Lord help her.

[joleanssurvivor]

The Wait

I want our Allie and Noah scene to transpire. I remember you going to the fridge to get ice, and not to put it in your drink. I was not ready then. Now, I yearn for you. It is picking at me. I will wait until it occurs. Until I can feel the nostalgic pain of you opening my door while drowning in our love simultaneously. Our meeting is filled with so much mystery as to what will happen. Fighting love for four years can be exhausting and tension building. The rain has been held back for too long. Bring your key to my door so I can look into the peephole of your soul. Two halves making one; whole.

[joleanssurvivor]

Growing

I so wanted to call Hannaan today and tell her how I was feeling about my upcoming vocal performance audition. I have to have 25 min of rep and 5 songs. I was a little frustrated with the fact that another vocal performance major stated he only has 3 songs prepared all coming out to 6 minutes. I feel that it is unfair that the requirement rule is obviously not the same for both parties. I have checked into this with my voice teacher and hopefully she will take care of it. If I am working hard to meet the requirements, so should he. I’m sure she would understand this, she is the only performance major I know who is a woman that I personally witnessed go through the process. Just a thought. But at the end of the day I couldn’t call her. And I was okay with that. I didn’t cry about it. I didn’t become angry. I didn’t become depressed or have a moment. I just smiled and thought to myself “Wow, I’m glad I can revel in this moment by myself, breathe, and keep moving” and to me that is growth. That is elevation. That is healthy.