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Dependability vs Support

I haven't decided to take an emotional dump on here in a while. Guess now is as good a time as any. Just now, I was thinking about how lucky I am to have so many people in my life, and how many friends I have that are always around. We all laugh, talk, play games, go out and do stuff, chill at home and all the stuff friends do. Along with that thought came something else. A thought that reminded me that, along with these friends that I hang out with, none of them are dependable. Not that they aren't functioning members of society or they're fuckasses or something, I'm just talking about like, emotionally, I can't talk to them about that or if I were to fuck up, I can't go to them for advice. It sounds like I'm full of shit, and making it seem like I'm this great functioning person, which I'm not, I'm just saying that my group turns to me for everything. I'm the problem solver, the collaborator, Mr fix it essentially. So now that I'm thinking about it, what happens if I need someone? My family is in PA, and besides my parents, who are the most high functioning human beings I know, the rest of my family is pretty much a collective band of alcoholics and nimrods (love them to death though). My friends are great too, which brings me to the whole point of remembering the feeling of having someone to depend on emotionally was nice. This all started because I got really irritated at something and it made me think of past events and when I could depend on someone and they let me down. -side note- I fucking hate bitching about my issues on the Internet and I hope no one I know reads these because it's essentially my outlet to try and piss and moan to make myself feel better. Like a virtual diary. -end- Moral of the story, if you're like me, then appreciate people who you can actually depend on. It's hard to find trustworthy people to be able to lean on now and then. Also if you can, then reciprocate the gesture if they do something for you, cuz that's just common courtesy. Alright I'm done. Just wanted to get that out.

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Sam Adams

Holy horse tits, it’s 4:17am on a Saturday night and I’m writing another one of these fucking Tumblr diary thingy’s.

Quick sidenote; I wonder if people think my whole life is a very lonely melancholy ordeal of sadness and misery? Soley based on these post anyway, if they know nothing about me which is most likely the case since I don’t share these on private social media accounts (Is the redundant?). 

Alright, rant starts now:

Okay it’s 4 fuckin AM. I already said that. So, I’m onto my second 6 pack of beer, just getting done discussing the intricacies of animation and film with my friend over discord while drunk. Now, as that was happening I see her on Discord, getting on Overwatch. I don’t think much of it, until she gets off (She/her being the ex I can’t seem to get over for various reasons that I’ve described in previous posts) so I decide to message her something stupid since she was playing Overwatch all day. Wait, I need to explain something before I get into this. 

So, I had an “incident” the other night. And by that I mean, like, I had an episode where I was seriously missing her hard core to put it simply. So bad, that I messaged another one of my friends to bitch about it real quick and be done with it and one of her friends who that friend is dating currently but I also bitch to her about it most of the time. They’re on the up and up so it’s cool, since they’re practically the same person and tell each other everything. So anyway, that night, my roommate says he has 2 free tickets to this music festival going on downtown so I’m like, “Fuck yeah, let’s go”. So we go, have a good time and it’s all Gucci right? As we’re leaving, I get 15 messages on Discord, from her. 

I’m like, “what the fuck?” I’m kinda drunk at this point since it was a beer festival thing. I read them and it’s her ranting about her family (Which is nothing new cuz her parents are awful people) so we start kinda talking about that slightly. I don’t think much of it, but eventually she stops responding, which she normally does after 10 minutes so I’m used to it. Here’s the thing though, it made me feel like I was relevant to her a little bit again. Like, it made me feel like she needed me like she did before, but only a little. Later on, I see a snap she posts, it’s a selfie saying, “looking cute af” which she was. Here’s the thing that got me. . . It wasn’t her house or room. 

At that point, everything that I had been fighting off till that point hit me like a fucking train. I know, it’s sad that even now, the emotions are just as strong but god damn did that fucking hurt, like having your balls in a vice grip kinda hurt. At that point, I need to talk to someone about what i was thinking, such as, “Where was she?? Who was she with?? What was she doing?? Does she still love me??” 

I message my friend and his girlfriend, because I just needed someone who wouldn’t give me a ‘solution’ but someone who could listen and give some type of response that made me feel like they gave a shit. And I had my rant, her friend told me where she was, even though I already knew, and it passed. Which brings us to current time. 

Back to now; it’s 4am, I’m like a 6 pack and a half down. I see she’s on Overwatch. I message her saying, “How can she play Overwatch all day then jump back on like 4 hours later?” Just being a sarcastic ass like I am, not meaning much from it or being a real dick about it, I think at least. Anyway, she says she can’t sleep so I ask if everything is okay. Her response, “I don’t really feel social right now”. Well, this feels like a 6 month old gag. . . 

I’m pissed, I wanna throw shit back cuz I’m sick of being an afterthought and I hate realizing that she treats me no different than when we were together. I’m tryina start something. I say to her, “Do you ever feel like being social with me in particular anymore?” Her response, “I don’t really feel social right now” I concede, it’s not worth it. It’s already been 3 months, it’s over. 

20 minutes later. . .

She messages again. “It’s not just you, there are other people I just don’t feel social towards, plenty of others” 

. . . . . . Oh, now that’s a free shot and I’m not just gonna sit here with my thumb up my ass and not take it. . .

My response, “ Yeah, I know. But then again, I’ve always felt like I’ve been grouped in with ‘Plenty of others’ for a while now so it’s nothing new”

I’m so livid because that was about 7 minutes ago that I decided to make that response and just fire back because, either way, she will never discuss this, or really talk to me and she doesn’t talk to me now anyways so what do I have to lose right? 

Fuck it, I’m not gonna sit here and be treated like I’m some average joe to her when we were in a 10 month relationship. 

I’m not an afterthought 

[jonhaight-blog]

Frustration

What the fuck am I doing in life? Is it insane to be unhappy with stability? I feel like I have no drive, no friends and no real reason to be happy. I still miss my ex, I miss her just as much as the day I chose to leave her and she seems to have been able to drop me just like that. She continues to prove that I was right to leave, because she shows with her silence how little I actually meant. I wonder if she's moved on, or moved on a while ago and just didn't have the courage to end it on her terms and just waited me out. I know I used to mean something, but people say a lot by their actions and the little amount of effort put in to either talk to me or reach out has just proven me right and I hate that. Second part, I fucking hate Atlanta. I can't stand the people, the traffic, the bull shit in general continues to pile on and I have no one here I can talk to or rely on. They're either trying to just get on good terms for possible job hook ups (I work in the film industry) or they're so full of shit that you can't stand to be around them. It's so God damn fake here. Lastly, I miss my family. It's not a home sick feeling, I went to college in Florida year round and barely felt home sick. This is a kind of feeling where you're tired of being alone type deal. My ex made me feel alone, my friends aren't really friends, I have no family here and I'm so lost on whether or not I actually like my job anymore because it's so easy that I feel like there's no challenge or urgency anymore. Like, it's so bad that I'm writing this in the shitter at work because I just can and I'll still have like no work when I get back to my desk. I'm tired of not feeling appreciated or wanted. I feel used, but not needed. And the worst part is that I feel like it's some of the people closest to me that made me feel like this, and I just want to move on from them or have them tell me I'm wrong and they care. That's my rant, fuck if I know who'll read it but hopefully if someone does that maybe they can help me out. Fuck I'm pathetic enough to ask tumblr to help me, Jesus how I've fallen.

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Update on the man removed from the United Airlines flight

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Boi, if dis ain’t me

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Flat Earth

Once I had a substitute teacher- yes, TEACHER- who was a member of the Flat Earth Society and spent all of form time afterwards arguing with my form teacher about it. Someone yelled “What about the pictures from space?” And the sub looked them dead in the eyes and said “Faked”. Someone else was like “what about the moon tho” and he said really loudly “The moon is an illUUUUSIOON!!” so everyone was kinda going “what the f*ck”… I told my friends who aren’t in my class about it later and a couple of them were like “yeah we had him for science last week” like wtf who lets someone who thinks the Earth is flat and DOESN’T BELIEVE IN THE MOON TEACH SCIENCE TO FOURTEEN YR OLDS WHYYYY