joselynjohnson17 - Tumblr blog

[joselynjohnson17]

There are people you haven’t met yet who will love you

[joselynjohnson17]

i really don’t want to feel. anything.

my chest hurts so bad,

i can’t even get out of bed.

i keep crying,

i don’t want to lose weight.

i haven’t been eating.

i’ve been ignoring all my friends.

[joselynjohnson17]

i always found it funny how people tend to change once you have you in their reach. they were so magical and whimsical when grabbing your attention and then they just really stopjqthu4JNIPS90[RJKL5ETIKLTKGRKLOGKR

IM SORRY I COULDNT FINISH THIS.

[joselynjohnson17]

Can you dm me!!:)

Hello~

If you see this, feel free to dm me. I wanna chat with some people! We could become friends and go to each other's towns. I’m not desperate I swear…

[joselynjohnson17]

so much is going on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it’s too much!!!!!!!!!!!!! i just want to sleep in the forest for 190 years!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i’m tired leave me alone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[joselynjohnson17]

shoutout to all the kids having panic attacks in bathrooms because of oral presentations. shoutout to all the kids who struggle to eat in public. shoutout to all the kids who can’t get out of bed in the morning to go to school. shoutout to every single person who is struggling with a mental disorder and doing their best to live a normal life. you’re going to get through this.

[joselynjohnson17]

Depression is a really weird thing to live with.

One moment you’re sitting there feeling beautifully content with your life and so happy you’re almost floating.

Literally a minute later, with no real reason, you’re curled up in a ball on the floor too depressed even to cry, wanting to just stop breathing because every breath is more painful than the last.

A small part of me is happy force of will cannot stop your heart.

(a bigger part of me is not)

[joselynjohnson17]

shoutout to my favorite coping mechanism, isolation

[joselynjohnson17]

[joselynjohnson17]

My only relief is to sleep. When I’m sleeping, I’m not sad, I’m not angry, I’m not lonely, I’m nothing.

Jillian Medoff, Hunger Point (via books-n-quotes)

[joselynjohnson17]

I’ve never thought about writing out my thoughts, how maybe this can make me feel better. I mean after all I don’t have anybody viewing my posts because no one follows me. So i’m gonna give this a try, today is Dec.2 a month ago I was being screened for depression. I scored high, and was even told i’d most likely have to see a psychiatrist asides from a psychologist. I’d want to cry through half of my class, but hold it in just because I didn’t want others to think I want attention, because everyone in High School feeds off of attention. I decided to do homeschool for a while until I got better emotionally, because I was a wreck. At first it felt like things were finally going my way. Until I had my first therapy session, she told me that I was full of anger, which could be true but the way she’d tell me was as if she was mad that I WAS MAD. I brought up a sensitive topic about something that I went through when I was younger that has to do with molesting. I had a hard time bringing it up, and she said “It’s okay you’re not the only girl that goes through this you need to grow out of it”. The way she talked to me blurting that I hated my mother, when I have never said anything about hating her. (I love my mom) I realized she could probably have problems of her own that she needs to take care of because she surely wasn’t doing me any good. Of course only I knew and heard the tone and the body language she talked to me in. but take my word, she was a real bitch. this was late September,  when all this happened. Later that week I was told by the same therapist on my second session with my mother in the room that my mom needs to decide what clinic I should be in referring to insurance, she said it as if she didn’t care about her patients, or well me. Of course I was relieved I didn't have to see her again, but a part of me told me to try to stay because it took my parents so much for them to finally take me serious about being sad and take action, that I didn’t want to wait any longer to get the help but surely enough A month passed, I had no sessions no medication and I was still trapped in these sad thoughts of mine. Some days were GREAT I went through out the day without being pulled back to bed and crying but most of my days depend on tears rolling down my face and sleeping and sleeping till I felt sick of sleeping. I later make a mistake around the second week of October and have to call in to a clinic for help and I get told Ive had my insurance back since Oct. 2 which upset me because I had been waiting to go back to getting help and not once did my parents call in for an appointment. I let days pass and i’d bring it up to my mom and she’d try to avoid it, eventually I gave up on asking, I knew I wasn’t being taken serious. Their hispanic parents I don’t blame them. They probably have to see me attempt suicide so it looks serious to them. If I was as selfish as I can be at times I probably wouldn’t be here by now. I have attempted suicide and failed stupidly and miserably no over the counter meds can kill, maybe fuck up a kidney a liver or something but id be rushed to the hospital and possibly get better. I was never capable of cutting deep enough i’d go day by day hoping i cut through a vein but i wouldn’t. I know it sounds so stupid i know. but this is how I felt at the time, days went by After thanksgiving I realized that killing myself would only make my nephew even weaker emotionally i’m all he’s got and my mom would loose her mind and so will my dad along with her not being able to handle my mom, my other little nephew would grow up confused and think it’s alright to do something like that. I didn’t think much of everyone else because they have their own lives and they’ll get through but not here not my family. I go through my days thinking about a good reason to desire to stay or the reason i’m here for I’m nobody and nothing I have no skills i’m useless i’m a self centered bitch and I have no skills everyone around me has something about them i see nothing in myself i’m just tired and i wish i could have a reset button to where I clear my whole existence that way nobody gets hurt and I end this feeling once in for all. 

[joselynjohnson17]

And I crave for happiness like it is the only thing that matters in this universe.

ma.c.a // Isn’t it? (via vomitingwords)

[joselynjohnson17]

sleeping more than usual, sleeping like i’m not here. ‘cause i don’t want to be.

[joselynjohnson17]

[joselynjohnson17]

X

[joselynjohnson17]

it’s about who you miss at 2 in the afternoon when you’re busy, not 2 in the morning when you’re lonely.

Unknown (via help-n-quotes)