jossujb

[jossujb]

Failed at the drug test (for add meds). Not because I've used drugs, but I got like a meltdown at the testing facility. Have to try it again sometime... I didn't expect I could react in a such a way, I ha e always been calm when I've been taken bloodworks and examinations etc.

Techbically speaking I /was/ calm, extremely calm. Autistically dissociating. I am a little bit disappointed.

But at least things at my job are gokng quite well. There were a quality checkup and I got a good review. New trainee soldiers come in two weeks, so there's a lot of things to clean before that. I am a bit envious that some people from karate are going to a Karate summer camp for the rest of the week, but since I don't have vacay and cleaning is not something you can do from computer I can't go. But at least I have that two-day camp awaiting in August <3

Therapy is going well enough so far... there been whome set of new problems coming up that I haven't previously thought as mental illness. That's gonna be a whole nine yards.

[jossujb]

[jossujb]

[jossujb]

Bored, so these gifs go out to the film bros denying that this counted as a sex scene

[jossujb]

[jossujb]

I have a second attempt for a drug test required to get medication for neuropsychological problems, and I swear if this doesn't work out rhis time because of some goddamn mistakes made by nurses and doctors, I am gonna give up.

I am not like 100% sure what to think about add medication still. Autism is much, much bigger problem than the difficulties in attentiveness... then acain, if it works even so ewhat it might make dealing with autism easier.

I've been on depression medicatiob. And it does work for suicidal thoughts and such very well I'd say. Tho, I have learned that depression pretty much dulls down and makes the autism much less noticeable. That's probably why every time I've had mentally better times, it comes crashing down too.

I don't partically like my personality without heavy depression. I am just... not like... super nice kinda person. Not that I particularly want to offend anybody or anybody uncomfortable, that why I am depressed, because I feel so bad of making people uncomfortable. But, let just say, that in a natural-ish state of mind, I am quite self-centred. I just basically wanna talk about my things abd my things only, continuously oversharing, finding arguments, just having so many opinions.

That's not like a bad things per se. There's just this sort of autistic disconnect with the people talk with. I like interaction, I am quite social and extroverted as autistic people go. I don't take other people's space into consideration. Depression makes me overthink, so it's easier not to hurt people all the time, but it harms me.

Hmm. Well. I quess it takes a lo g time to get this sorted.

[jossujb]

[jossujb]

En nykyään kirjottele hirveesti selityksiä enää postatessani mitään, mut tää mun uus Mikaelin design hajottaa mua.

I don't really prefer to write any explanations anymore when post things, but my Mikael's new design is such a mew mew.

[jossujb]

[jossujb]

As I normally just cry and whine and barely surivive with my mental problems, I'd like to point out that it's not even Midsummer yet, and I have actually drawn and painted more than I did in entire 2024.

That's something. And not all of it is even stuff that I've postef, I've done stuff fot purely for academic reasons. I also have done some gifts.

Sure, like, maybe it's not terribly noticrable on my social media, since I have been mostly doing "original-ish" work, rather than that any fandoms. Which is new for sure... I mean, my angelwork still is quite obviously bloodrelated to SPN, but it has started to diverge with more abstract ideas. You know. I've resently worked on Mikael's personality, and he for sure now is his own person right now.

Anyway. What do you guys think? I am not like super pleased in a sense that all my work seems to be very unrelated and don't follow styles or themes. But on the other hand, productivity pleases me, and I have made some technical development. That's never a bad thing.

[jossujb]

[jossujb]

[jossujb]

[jossujb]

Somehow the fact that Ralph Macchio got his real life black belt after 30 years being associated with karate gives so much motivation for me and towards blue belt adventures :D

Tho after showing insufficient control I don't think I have any business going in grading in this summer.

Karate is a strange thing to practice in 2025. Tho obviously demands for exellence have grown on all kinds of education - not to mention how cut throat professional life is. But in hobbies you're usually not denied progress even if you pay little attention, but in jobs you're fired etc if you suck.

In karate you can be told with very harsh words that you gundamentally suck at this, you're worse than others. But there is no time limits either. You don't need to graduate this year or that year, you don't need to show results to acquire teaching.

It's like, you're not ready let me teach you, more than, I don't care if you get better if you pay, or, you need to be on the level or I discard you.

Anyway. Lots of doubts and insecurities. Weight gain and me tal problems. But I happen to be on summer vacation when we have a 5th Dan camp in our home dojo, and I am pumped for it! Practicing my kata like no other.

[jossujb]

Summer kumite yesterday whoo Jossu does good Jossu is so great perfect distance perfect punch that's a point ye ye ye

Except I forgot that I was paired up with someone who wasn't as prepsred nor willing to go so hard... oh dear.

I don't think I am gonna graduate blue any time in this decade.

[jossujb]

kipu kuivaisi mielet aroiksi, jos suremisen sadesään sijaan suvisäille siirtäsi

[jossujb]

Drug test that's required to get medication for neuropsychologal problems got fucked yesterday, cos the nurse hadn't sent the request to the laboratory, and tho I had reservation for lab - that I had taken unpaid absense from work to be in - they couldn't take it as it didn't show on my record. Could get a hold of anybody at reception to sort it.

Nurse has promised to call back on Friday. Anyway, the problem now is, that I am not gonna get leave from my work for a second time for a reason like this. And I couldn't afford more unpaid hours anyway.

Isn't it funny that for depression you get any kind of hard medication like that, you're free to kill yourself with them if you like, but a goddamn new type of extremely mild add meds you have jump hoops for moths.

I cried at lab, which didn't go well for me. Crying is not adviced when you try to sort out business, people often like in this case refuse to discuss further as long as you're "unstable".