jot-thoughts

[jot-thoughts]

I’m not really budgeting

I’m just keeping an eye on my money. I’ll probably detail my budgeting process more when I’m not tired and want to map it out.

Note to self: write down my process and share it with the strangers who happen upon my blog.

[jot-thoughts]

A Stream of Consciousness (and some self-reflective Q’s)

I was laying in bed thinking about all the things that concern me at my current point in life. I knew I had created a blog years ago as a means to vent my frustrations in anyway that made sense, but I don’t think it was really all that constructive. I looked at it just moments ago with a sense of curiosity like I was looking at a time capsule- a picture of myself 5-7 years ago. I looked immature and I think I felt immature. I still get this feeling these days that I’m not growing in areas I should be; I still feel like an awkward teen a lot of the time: I say ridiculous things, I don’t articulate myself well, I’m lazy. I have goals I want to achieve- prospective careers I want to attain and I have this gut feeling that I will never reach these goals. I look around and see people in dead end jobs- unhappy with their lives or struggling; or that you have to be intelligent or have good networking skills to get to where you want to go. I feel like my bridges have been burned and I don’t know why. I don’t know why people don’t want to talk to me. Maybe long distance friendships are difficult, maybe people think I’m annoying or an asshole. No one’s really told me what I’m doing wrong in that sense. I know I shouldn't dwell on those things though. If people don’t want to keep in touch, then I shouldn't bother. Time to move on.

I try to be my best, but I don’t think I’m actually trying. So what can I do? I think I should pursue a hobby. I have plenty, but maybe one that will develop my skills in a career that I want to achieve. Here are my hobbies in a list: -Drawing -Hiking -Reading -Discovering music -Playing board games None of these things I do all that often anymore. Hiking is probably the most frequent thing, and thats once or twice every other week. I do listen to new music often, but my girlfriend isn't particularly interested in the same music that I listen to (it’s just something we accept of each other now). I play board games every few weeks with a friend. I get short bursts of inspiration for drawing, but not nearly as much as I used to. Maybe I should study certain subjects just for fun. Learn something for the sake of learning? That recent line of thinking has been growing more and more appealing lately. I have a non-reciprocal relationship with the internet; I give a lot to it, but never really take anything from it. It feels pointless, and I think I’ve just given in to my internet addiction because I don’t know what else to do with myself. I think I’m concerned about what to do to relax in between work and school. I do like to veg out surfing the internet, but I don't think it’s healthy for me. So what then? I think I just need to cut myself off and see where it goes- really commit to not browsing the internet for the sake of filling in my down time. Video games should not be a substitute for that either.

Why the want to change? Why for prospective careers? Am I a slave to the American workforce mentality? These are questions that run through my mind, but I’m fairly certain don’t really matter. I want to be the best version of myself that I can be and sitting around isn't that. I also want to be a productive member of society, but not in the sense that I’m just working and paying my taxes- I want to help make communities better. I mean, I also want a job that can provide a sense of security- I don’t think everyone is capable of helping others unless they are in a place where they are comfortable and secure themselves. That can mean different things to different people. I think its amazing there are folks out there who give everything they have and own very little. 

Does that make me a bad person for seeking a higher quality of life when so many others are struggling (all the while I want to have a job in a non-profit that will pay me well enough to live an ok life so I can help others)?

Thats the question that bothers me the most.

Authors note: I don’t want to make this into a pity fest. I don’t want pity. Additionally, I’m leaving this public, because I like the idea that someone is reading this- maybe thinking about it, maybe not. 

I like to feel like there is someone out there listening to me.