journal-6372892 - Tumblr blog

[journal-6372892]

Can I afford it? No. I'll send $25 anyways because crips have to look out for each other.

[journal-6372892]

It's gonna be such a funny mess when Donald Trump dies of a stroke on April 1st, 2024.

Naturally everybody will think it's fake because of the date only to lose their minds (both positively and negatively based on their opinion of trump) when realizing it's real

There will be massive celebrations in the streets and on social media and lots of predictable "don't speak ill of the dead" discourse about those celebrations

Weird evangelicals will pull some weird number trick talking about how Jesus was conceived on April 1st and that makes Trump a sort of messiah and people will make fun of that

The Republicans (after they're done with the faux-sadness and faux-outrage) will stomp over each other to be his successor but none of them will succeed. They'll tear each other apart and have no single nominee for the November elections.

There will be discourse about if Biden and the living former presidents should go to his funeral (they won't, he was a traitor insurrectionist)

The Ukraine-Russia War immediately goes in favor of Ukraine as morale in the Kremlin is reduced. China similarly backs off from its threats on Taiwan.

Ten thousand new memes are made, some sticking around for years to come.

Not a month later a bunch of unofficial biographies of Trump hit the bookshelves, many with new details about just how awful he was.

[journal-6372892]

Sometimes, I elect to be a bad person in small ways.

[journal-6372892]

I would love to have my surgery in Berlin, but it scares me, being a queer trans person so close to the Polish border

[journal-6372892]

I know it's fucked up, but like. I have a history of cutting. It's been like 8 years since I last did it, and even reading this fanfic that includes a teen who's cutting himself, i'm not even tempted.

Anywho, he's desperate to stop after all of a month of doing it. And i'm laughing at how pathetic that is. Except that's fucked up as hell to think (which is why i'm saying it here).

And after all this, his dad's locking everything up, sitting next to the bathroom door talking to the kid trying to keep him from doing it/more.

And it just made me laugh bc this writer so clearly hasn't gone through this. The thought is nice, don't get me wrong. But if my parents had done that it'd have been so much worse.

My parents did body checks (which I was able to evade being found out doing), and room checks to check for blades (I got better at hiding them), etc.

It all just meant I was less safe about it.

Just. I find this whole thing laughable.

(I'm also delighted to realise just how much i've improved, that reading this isn't triggering me like it would have even just a year ago)

[journal-6372892]

Good news: i'm doing waaaaay better emotionally than I did at the beginning of this blog.

Bad news: i'm here to say that the grandmother I live with likely has metastisized colon cancer. And we don't know enough yet to even say exactly where the metastasis has occurred, other than general region.

We also don't know what type of colon cancer. And so there's no treatment plan besides pain medication just yet.

So we can't exactly go telling anyone, either.

We just found out today how bad it's looking — it sounds like the oncologist is not very optimistic about it.

And logically I know my grandmother is old, I know she's not particularly healthy, but... it's hard to wrap my head around. That my grandmother is likely dying.

Because we don't know anything about the cancer itself yet, I can't even do research, which frustrates me.

Ugh.

[journal-6372892]

I am always like "oh i'll get myself off and that'll help me sleep" and then as soon as I finish, i'm energised af and suddenly remember, oh yeah, choking the chicken wakes me the fuck up.

Every.

Single.

Time.

[journal-6372892]

I've always laughed when people thought some horizontal cuts on your forearm will kill you, paricularly in fanfic.

Unless you're going super deep or trying to kill yourself, you'll be fine. Presuming it doesn't get infected and all that.

[journal-6372892]

I'm approaching the solid, firm, undoubtable, end of my rope wrt pain, and have been for a few years, but... while i'm at the end of my rope, the undeniable end is in sight. And it's not a good end.

Things are in motion (again) to get back surgery, and I am following up tomorrow on the most recent step, but. I'm so scared.

If I can't get back surgery, then... I don't think I have it in me to stay alive.

It's just too much. I'm in constant pain, and it's getting worse, and there's only so much one can tolerate.

I'm past that. Did in February.

I want to live, but with my current quality of life, if I can't get surgery, then... it's the end.

I don't want to die.

I want to live.

But there's only so much pain a body can handle. And my physical pain is. Horrible. And it could definitely be worse but that doesn't make this less excruciating.

[journal-6372892]

I was visiting a sex-repulsed friend for the last month, so I wasn't able to masturbate, and it was fine except the last ten days or so.

Finally got off now that i'm home again, and I feel beyond relieved, wow.

[journal-6372892]

Something's wrong with my body

[journal-6372892]

Ugh, fma only has twelve rape/noncon and underage fics, and they all suck or involve mustang as the rapist.

[journal-6372892]

I don't know that i'd care if my dad died.

This needs further examination.

[journal-6372892]

There are two reasons why I haven't tried to perform my own top surgery.

1. I don't have any practice suturing

2. There are no anaesthetics that allow you to sit up and use your arms/hands while not feeling your torso

[journal-6372892]

[journal-6372892]

There is nothing more satisfying than the crunch of dried blood between my teeth

[journal-6372892]

I feel like absolute shit. Time to go read some of patrexes work on ao3!