journal-dear-blog

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Senior quote ideas

“this year i really want to try to do my best”

-me, 2011

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sexuality---

lmao so my ideas about my sexuality are kind of all over the place but i think i’m probably on the aro/ace spectrum???? like. i basically do not want to be in a relationship Ever (or at least that is my feeling right now) and i basically never look at anyone and think hm you would be a good person to be in a relationship with or have sex with or however that works for people who experience attraction. But i also don’t want to like, set that in stone because like my feelings can change and i don’t want to close myself off from relationships forever because of some preconceived notion about my sexuality. Lmao no one knows what asexuality is anyways sooooooo

it’s very weird to start thinking of myself as asexual because as i child i was very sexual (relatively) like. i would x in public and give myself hickeys by sucking on the middle of my elbow. like damn i was a kinky child ok me

but regardless of sexuality the idea of being in a relationship just seems like Too Much. Like. you have this one person who’s sort of friend but not really except u kiss them and maybe suck their dick?????? Like what. and the level of commitment required like you have to talk to this person Every Day and i love my friends and family but honestly i feel as if that is unnecessary it just doesn’t really Make Sense to me. Also i know a lot of people don’t really date anymore they just hook up but also i feel like that would be an awk process. like i french kissed that one boy and Let Me Tell You. also boners freak me tf out.

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Honestly, I feel like such an awful friend in general. I don’t know if it’s because I’m depressed or because I’m just shitty (or maybe I’m shitty because I’m depressed), but I’ve developed a habit of isolating myself from everyone.

I hung out with friends exactly twice since January, and I’ve barely even bothered to text or call anyone. I kind of keep expecting people to reach out to me, when I clearly am not putting in effort myself.

I tell myself that I like to be alone - and I do- more than a couple of hours interacting with people - especially at night or at parties and dances - leaves me exhausted. But in reality, most of my time alone I spend scrolling through tumblr or looking for ideas on Pinterest that honestly I probably won’t ever do, or lying in bed literally thinking about how shitty I am and that really isn’t healthy or productive.

But a lot of the time, when I do hang out with friends, interactions are awkward and uncomfortable. A lot of the time, I find myself with how ya doings and look here’s a dog and then drown in silence. Literally the last time x came over she started playing with my plastic horses and other animals and I went to sleep. It wasn’t a sleepover.

One of my problems is that I have an aversion to anything deep. Like, honestly, poetry pisses me off so much. The world isn’t really that meaningful guys. I really don’t care about your metaphor about fucking dying flowers.

Similarly, I have trouble having meaningful conversations, maybe because I don’t really think there’s anything that important inside me, and I don’t think anyone would really want to here those things. I have a hard time knowing what to say whe people tell me serious things and I assume everyone else reacts the same way.

The other day in art class, x and x were talking about something (I honestly couldn’t remember what it was, parents or body image or something), and I realized that I had never had these conversations, and that I was pretty much physically unable to.

I feel like none of my friendships are meaningful, and I know that that’s pretty much my fault, and I’m beginning to wonder if I even have real friends

I never thought of myself as having social problems because I have some friends and don’t have serious anxiety, but I’m realizing how difficult it is for me to make eve contact, touching, talk to new people, or have meaningul conversations. I hadn’t realy realized how much this was affecting me but now I’m just sort of alone.

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Self care goals 2015

lmao

 -

wow I’m so glad I accomplished everything on the list!!!!!

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X

Pros

boy

sometimes interesting

Cons

not attracted to him

difficult to get to (far away)

different interests ---> talks about things that bore me

intends to reform me to make me smarter

acts condescending towards me

the laugh

weird, morbid sense of humor

don’t actually enjoy french kissing

and the large amount of affection

way more serious than I am

is kind of a douchebag, esp. towards religion

doesn’t know how to act in social situations, rude

constant erections

kind of ugly

not going to have enough time to see each other

neurotic

talks way too much

feminine/weak

LMAO

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Really weird dream last night

Walking home from school (route that goes by lumberyard), and there’s this donut/candy shop that I’ve never gone in and then I’m like ay let’s go

I go in,, order an apple cider donut, it costs ~$9.78 and I’m like woah that’s expensive but w/e

She takes me behind store to pick out toppings for the donut and it’s all these frostings + sprinkles under black light that are all neon.

There are also diff. colored chickens, some of whom produce eggs corresponding to their color

I’m walking along w/ someone and we’re packing things up or something + they have this itty bitty baby ~3/4″ long and apparently it’s a preemie, but then I hold it for a bit, and then we’re packing up and then I realize that I don’t have the baby in my hand any more and we’re like oh shit and we look + find it + the baby is flattened w/ only vague baby features + I apologize hundreds of times but the mom only seems mildly upset.

For some reason we (my family?) --> or me only, end up staying in the donut shop people’s house and we spend awhile making this kind sized bed + I think there’s something cool there but it’s just a normal sheet.

At night, we’re in our beds + there’s a big room w/ several kids + like 10 different lights + I go around + turn them all off. The other kids (4 of them) are looking for this one book/encouraging me to read it. I go downstairs, hearing gossiping among parents.

Mom is pregnant + ready to deliver her baby. We’re at this weird ski resort place made for baby delivery. 2 diff ways to deliver - normal birth, or you go up this ski lift thing except you’re hanging on to a line (like a bunny hill) and then when you ski down these tracks the baby comes out. I go up w/ Mom, but then when she goes down, I accidently fall w/ her + go down on my bum. No major consequences though.

I talk to Mom later + ask to see the baby + she says it’s in the baby room. It’s a girl. There was one weird name she was going to give it originally that started w/ B, but then she changes her name + now it’s something like Martha.

Later, I talk to mom + she’s really upset, but won’t tell me why. I assume that the baby is dead or dying.

We’re in this house on the ski place + it’s a party there + the family has this stuffed cat that is actually alive plus two other biological cats.

Something about the donut shop being one of the x’s drug houses?

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A Completely Automated World (or place

Wow life is going to be soooo much easier now! Let’s get rid of 90% of manual labor jobs + it’ll be great

cashiers - replaced

manufacturing

infrastructures

banking

education? ew

all have human over seers + managers (as they do today

Ok, so what jobs can people have?

creative - writing, performing, animation

intellectual - science, etc

management

----> ALL REQUIRE HIGHER ED + MONEY+ INTELLIGENCE

----> Lots of unemployed people

2 distinct classes

working intellectuals

unemployed poor

Ok, so there’s no need for a large working-class base anymore so everyone could feasibly go to college.

But wait! No money!

So what happens. Government pays for it.

Ok, but what about the people who can’t/don’t want to go? (only ~15% go in MA)

LOADS of govt. benefits

----> How? Lots of taxes, govt gains a lot more power

basically socialism

But what if there was no longer money?

People just share the wealth + it’s spread evenly

OH WAIT THAT’S COMMUNISM

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Immortality

Ok regardless of if it works or not . . . what would be the result?

Within 1 place (ok there are parts of the world where people have never even held a pen so if you’re going to say they’ll be uploaded, that’s bullshit.)

No one dies. Ok, so how does that work?You can get old, and then transfer your mind to electronics and get a hella cool robotic body (ageless

So, with a robotic body:

no need to eat

exercize

sleep ---> house is less necessary

wear clothes

can create surroundings in cyberspace?

change physical + mental capabilities - regardless of it in physical brain?

Economy

People don’t need food, shelter, etc.

Money is a lot less valuable

The only really useful occupations are the thinking ones, and at this point AI is so strong that even those could be replaced by computer

A lot less stores b/c people need fewer things ----> everything people do is for their own entertainment

Why do you need a physical body?

Can interact w/ other uploaded humans in cyberspace + project external environment for us

Leave the planet to the will of plants + animals

Ok, so imagine that today’s 60+ generation was the only generation ever + lived forever, same ideas

When you’re older, mind goes down, less adaptive to change

Some people have largely the same ideas

Ok, and if you only exist in cyberspace + all of the people that you’re interacting with are biologically dead, then isn’t that just the same thing as heaven?

I mean, I suppose no one knows what happens after death, but on the off-chance there is some sort of favorable afterlife, I’d almost be willing to take my chances. It’d be less expensive anyways.

So what would people do?

If everything can be done by robots, manual labor wise, no manual labor jobs

Some jobs in overseeing factories, business, etc.

Academic thought. Paid?

The only valuable things to do would require intelligence + motivation

People resort to entertainment, video games, TV, talking

Hm,maybe people would still want to explore the real, physical world. idk.

Ugh. Big ideas. No real answers.

The thing that I most value have a lot to do with my physical body

also no children

Importance of age, gets ore/less important?

A lot of waiting?

Life ends w/ a violent death.

Wait so when a person’s body dies, they’ll still be a dead body. Funerals. . . ?

There’s a reason people choose to retire even if they can work

Life gets tiring

They don’t love their jobs

Just want to relax

Very few people enjoy their lives enough to want to spend eternity doing the same thing

Pros

Life is preserved

Some people really enjoy life and want to continue w/ it as long as possible

Life is more enjoyable

Can accomplish more per person

If there becomes no need for a physical environment, no longer humans as invasive on planet.

Mind/body alterable? - more capabilities

Cons

Life gets tiring + boring

No children

Everything is less urgent.

(artificial) questions about how much of consciousness is preserved. Is it a clone or you?

Social backlash (religious)

Very different experience, weird

(large scale) (not sure if a con per se) No need for life supports like food, shelter, etc --> partial breakdown of economy. Unsure of consequences.

Value of age changes? Possible heirarchy w/ only oldest given advantages

If friends + family don’t upload, you watch everyone die.

Big divide between those who plan to/have uploaded + those who don’t

Fewer jobs.

Basically the fundamental structure of life + humanity is screwed up.

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“Mind Uploading”

neural prostheses- replacement of part of brain/ NS ------> retinal implants, electrodes for seizures (already done)

Whole brain emulation- neural prostheses (brain can decay) of whole brain ----> brain copied, put on something else, biological or otherwise; physical brain - simpler

Mind uploading- transfer info in brain into some sort of computing system, brain is data

-Don’t need to completely understand whole brain to copy it *computers* ---> whole brain emulation- different- (consciousness preserved?); basically a clone, Appears to be you, but when you die, you won’t be aware you’re on a computer

Consciousness

It’s really just a copy

If it’s a really, really good copy, is it really just the same thing?

How much of consciousness is preserved?

Very very abstract

It’s not immortality - nothing is in an eternal. Life is just extended a lot or a little. Even robots will die in accidents or wars.

What even is life?

When you think of life, it’s made of cells, reproduces, based in biology

more than jsut data

soul haha not real it’s just your brain

Social backlash esp. with religious people -life is sacred

2 cultures of uploaded + nonuploaded ppl - constant tension

uploaded is physically different, better. Able to to enhance much of body?

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More about said boy

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Ayyyyyy I kissed a boy yesterday!

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Haha shit what if I’m not bi. wtf is wrong w/ my sexuality prob should’ve figured this out by now. What’s the difference btwn thinking someone is hot and being attracted to them?

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Males I’ve had bad connections w/

Dad

Most male teachers (x, x, x,)

x

etc.

Hahaha shit why did I even put this here that did not make any sense whatsoever.

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I kind of really fucking hate men.

It’s gotten to the point that I feel threatened when a guy I don’t know comes up and starts talking to me. It’s kind of irrational but not totally unfounded either.

I’m not restricted from doing anything because of my gender - more women go to college now - it’s not that. At least where I live. There are parts of the world - huge parts of it- where women are restricted from participating in the rest of society, and required by law to cover their bodies. Fourteen-year-old girls can be sod as brides to fifty-year-old men, where they are often brutally raped and unable to escape their situation. All perpetrated by men. It’s gotten to the point where the few societies in which women are considered equal to men are considered ‘matriarchal’.

But yeah, for me at least, it’s not that bad.

Men and women are essentially equal in social standing. It’s just that some men often to take the chance to treat all women like shit. And, by the way, the fact that it’s not that bad for a middle-class girl living in the suburbs of x isn’t proof that we don’t need feminism- it’s proof that it’s working.

What pisses me off in my life:

Being flirted at by a 50 year old man in a dark hallway at starbucks who continues to talk to me even though I don’t make eye contact and barely reply

When a random junior I don’t know facebook messages me telling me aI’m cute and then later asks me what my bra size is via text

When a random homeless man at a soup kitchen asks me if x’s my girlfriend.

When strangers beep at me out of their car or yell at me when I’m running.

When I can’t take off my t-shirt on a 90 degree day on my run because guys might look at me.

The fact that I haven’t been able to form a single positive relationship (of any type) with a male in my life, mostly b/c I’m scared.

My dad calling my haircut “dykey”

And some of it is perpetrated by women as well, which frustrates me even more. I guess I’m not even mad at men, I’m mad at the whold fucking system

Girls talking about how it’s so gross this girl doesn’t shave her legs.

Girls talking about a slut this girl is (and ignoring the actions of the guy she has sex with)

Girls talking about how slutty a girl’s outfit is

People immediately asking “is he/she gay” when they see someone on TV of questionable sexuality

Articles about how *gasp* a celebrity has legs! (often written by women)

Interviews in magazines in which a male celebrity is asked about his childhood + the prep it took to prepare for his role and deep philosophical questions, and the female celebrity  is asked about what her go-to makeup product is

Beauty pagents

Baby beauty pageants

Movie stars who have supposedly been on the run fighting zombies or battling cancer, and yet still have a full face of makeup on.

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“The hell do you mean it’s not in yet?”

“I told you. It’s not in the mail.”

“It said 5-7 days. This has been the seventh day since I ordered it.”

“Maybe they were out of stock and had to get more.”

“Bullshit. I need the damn thing right now. I paid an extra $5.95 for this half-assed delivery service. You know what, I bet some crooked delivery boy saw it and said “eh, no one will notice” and pocketed it. Kids these days. Don’t have any goddam morals.”

“Calm down dear. I’m sure it’s find.”

“IT IS ABSOLUTELY NOT FINE. I ORDERED THE DAMN THING AND I WANT IT. I NEED IT . . . sorry about that. Just a little stressed is all.”

“I can see that.”

The doorbell rings. The couple is silent.

“I’ll get that” says the man.

“Hi, I have a delivery for a Mr . . .  Stevenson?

“Yep! That’s me”.

“Sign here please.”

The man, Mr. Stevenson hurridly signs the slip.

“Thanks.

Mr. Stevenson slams the door shut. He runs upstairs to his office, leaving Mrs. Stevenson behind. He rubs his hands together in excitement, pauses for a second, then opens the box. Inside is a limited edition Precious Moments porcelain figure in full color. It is a boy catching a butterfly.

Mr. Stevenson puts the figurine up on his shelf alongside a multitude of others. This is his 100th figure.

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The lady came to my door every day with a loaf of bread.

It wasn’t good, homemade bread or anything, mind you. I’m talking about a loaf of genuine Wonderbread.

At 7:00 AM every morning, my doorbell rang and there was this oldish lady who wore cardigans of varying colors and toted a loaf of Wonder bread.

I tried to talk to her, you know, but she always just smiled and then went away in her little Volkswagen Beetle. Bright yellow. Her liscence plate was WONDR.

The first time it happened, was the night I moved in. I had gotten a few other moving-in presents, but the fact that this woman didn’t talk to me . . . it was rather . . . odd. Besides, who brings Wonder Bread as a moving in present. I ran after her, but she didn’t stop or look back and then I was just standing there with a loaf of WonderBread in my hands.

I didn’t even like white bread.

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Listening into a conch shell to hear the ocean and hearing a voice talking to you telling you how beautiful you look. Musing about the universe. NO one else can hear it. Slowly gets more and more agressive

“Now, isn’t that a nice shirt you’ve got on? It really complements your eyes. Of course, I would personally prefer to see you without it on, but of course I respect your personal choice.”

“How the hell are you doing this?”

“Quiet love. Wouldn’t want the neighbors to hear you talking to yourself. Again.”

Silence.

“I find your soul very interesting dearie. All you have to do is want something hard enough, and it all seems to work out”

“I haven’t found that to be true.”

“Clearly, you weren’t wanting hard enough. Humans have a very fickle motivation. Must be because you have such laughably short lives. No time to waste on challenges that won’t provide immediate gratification”.

“You have no idea what the hell you’re talking about.”

“Don’t I? I know a lot  of things. Almost everything

“Not quite.”

“Agreed. Not nearly enough. But knowledge is relative”

“Sanity is relative”

The voice in the shell laughed, tinkling feminine noise like bells.

“And yours is where? Relative to everyone else, I mean?”