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Hehe Felix is guy in charge of feeling things, hehe FEELix teehee

Idk i think roscoe tends to take over in terms of romantic pursuits i think valance might also at some points but he hates roscoe and also is avoidant where roscoe is anxious so yk iiwii

Lonnie is saying that at some point we should talk to all of them and like give each of them therapy which makes sense but i dont want to do that that sounds like a lot of work ooo they arent happy abt that i felt that whoops

I think i may have overstayed my welcome at the controls lol im very good for helping us rest but i allegedly am not good for doing things which is smth that needs to happen if we want to pass our english class :\

Nooo theyre kicking me oouutt whoevers doing this has to tell me theyre name and a lil abt themselves

Oh my god whatever i need to actually get tf up and go i dont have time for this we love in the real world not the internet or even in our brains. We are here. Bye.

Lonnie (alonzo) - caring, protective, seems to be the one in charge of the therapy toolbag

Valance - idk why he's here but he's every bit as angry, snappy, avoidant, sassy, messy, and like Him as ever (as a side note im p sure that having that campaign and having V05WALD just absolutely adore and love him regardless of how miserable he was was v good) ((i referred to him as wire mother for a bit which i think is funny but idk that he jibes w that))

A literal bear - bestie idk what happening here it isnt even anthro or anything, j like an actual bear who sleeps a lot and we arent supposed to wake it up bc it gets AnGErY

Um...me? ig? We'll say my name is O for now, i just spent a while taking stock of those who would semi respond ik theres more of us, actually sorry im chark which makes sense! I obvi have onions abt all the other folks based off of how i talk abt them which ik doesnt give them fair representation (sorry val <3) but we work w what we've got

I think that i dont like certain folks bc they feel bad when theyre in charge which makes Me feel bad bc we share a whole ass bod and thats not FUN! And i hate that for us so.. yk

Obvi the one w the hosts name, um code name: Frank, he's suuuper anxious which makes sense but I'M in charge rn and I'm Ignoring that so! We also dont really think that we Are split actually but that this is just a v helpful mode of understanding whats happening and processing how we feel

This whole thing was triggered by our use of 'we' while shopping today but like, historically thats how we referred to ourselves since like highschool

Also there were a few who i suspected might be in here and i called for them but ill explain more as i list them out here

I called for Roscoe and idk if they died?? Or j like valance is near the front and valance hates that bitch so when i tried my head got all achey, but if theyre there, ik theyre Really whiny but *I* think theyre very sweet (also might be the yearner) im like 90% sure they exist bc theyve been out before during like the 2019-20 dnd era

Speaking of I also called on Hugh Ugwu just to see and he's here!!! He j doesnt like to be out bc yk he was made for and is inherently attached to the world he comes from and this place doesnt really fit w him being a whole ass owl guy but we love and cherish him regardless

I also called for a Theo(dore) and i actually dk if they exist but there was like an empty hollow feeling i think if they do exist they're little and dont like to be out, idk there was a piece of me that felt super attached to that name when i was trying it out but also it felt horrid to be called by from other people

Ooooooh i just met the guy whose in charge of feeling shit and hes Not happy with me he's p upset like got on the verge of tears when i was asking who wanted to tell our therapist abt this and i asked him to come out and tell me his name and he j got really squinty and i started to feel all of my body so 😬

Also turns out that as much as i can type i CAN NOT actually talk out loud which is interesting,,, maybe im that one that Javi tried to talk to and i simply would NOT look at him

I also think that sometimes valance is also rosencrantz

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Lonnie (alonzo) - caring, protective, seems to be the one in charge of the therapy toolbag

Valance - idk why he's here but he's every bit as angry, snappy, avoidant, sassy, messy, and like Him as ever (as a side note im p sure that having that campaign and having V05WALD just absolutely adore and love him regardless of how miserable he was was v good) ((i referred to him as wire mother for a bit which i think is funny but idk that he jibes w that))

A literal bear - bestie idk what happening here it isnt even anthro or anything, j like an actual bear who sleeps a lot and we arent supposed to wake it up bc it gets AnGErY

Um...me? ig? We'll say my name is O for now, i just spent a while taking stock of those who would semi respond ik theres more of us, actually sorry im chark which makes sense! I obvi have onions abt all the other folks based off of how i talk abt them which ik doesnt give them fair representation (sorry val <3) but we work w what we've got

I think that i dont like certain folks bc they feel bad when theyre in charge which makes Me feel bad bc we share a whole ass bod and thats not FUN! And i hate that for us so.. yk

Obvi the one w the hosts name, um code name: Frank, he's suuuper anxious which makes sense but I'M in charge rn and I'm Ignoring that so! We also dont really think that we Are split actually but that this is just a v helpful mode of understanding whats happening and processing how we feel

This whole thing was triggered by our use of 'we' while shopping today but like, historically thats how we referred to ourselves since like highschool

Also there were a few who i suspected might be in here and i called for them but ill explain more as i list them out here

I called for Roscoe and idk if they died?? Or j like valance is near the front and valance hates that bitch so when i tried my head got all achey, but if theyre there, ik theyre Really whiny but *I* think theyre very sweet (also might be the yearner) im like 90% sure they exist bc theyve been out before during like the 2019-20 dnd era

Speaking of I also called on Hugh Ugwu just to see and he's here!!! He j doesnt like to be out bc yk he was made for and is inherently attached to the world he comes from and this place doesnt really fit w him being a whole ass owl guy but we love and cherish him regardless

I also called for a Theo(dore) and i actually dk if they exist but there was like an empty hollow feeling i think if they do exist they're little and dont like to be out, idk there was a piece of me that felt super attached to that name when i was trying it out but also it felt horrid to be called by from other people

Ooooooh i just met the guy whose in charge of feeling shit and hes Not happy with me he's p upset like got on the verge of tears when i was asking who wanted to tell our therapist abt this and i asked him to come out and tell me his name and he j got really squinty and i started to feel all of my body so 😬

Also turns out that as much as i can type i CAN NOT actually talk out loud which is interesting,,, maybe im that one that Javi tried to talk to and i simply would NOT look at him

I also think that sometimes valance is also rosencrantz

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Yapped abt stuff and stayed up much later than i should have *stares hard at past self* i think we both know why

Smh my head

But im not that upset abt it i like to be there for my friends, i absolutely Feel being up late at night and needing to escape my thoughts

But like we talked abt internalized ableism and how it affects us, did a lil oversharing but 🤷‍♂️ it happens, i now understand that it doesnt just contribute to my accommodations but also to how i keep my freakouts to myself for the most part :\

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Remind me to talk abt it after ive slept *hits head against conkcrete and sits in the bottom of a well for three centuries*

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Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Remind me to talk abt it after ive slept *hits head against conkcrete and sits in the bottom of a well for three centuries*

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Muffled noises of distress as i participate in the creation of my own doom

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embarrassment has good bones

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I also just want to out into writing that i was absolutely a fucked up guy in 2020 bc i was unable to be anything but deeply codependent And i decided itd be fun to cold-turkey my adhd meds as i was convinced it woudnt do anything to me which......yikes

And so like isolationism and selfishness kinda drove me to the fuckin brink and i treated everyone around me like garbo which that sucks, i fucked up and now i have to take that

And like part of me wants to mourn the relationship i had with the people who i hurt and lost but i also dont entirely feel like i have the right to because it was me who hurt them

Being the villain in someone elses story and in your own story is kinda fucked tbh

Luckily now, i have figured put how to communicate relatively healthily w people and resolve conflict where before i was avoidant to the point of disaster

But honestly i think it might help me crack my black and white sense of justice shades of gray and all that jazz but in order for that to happen i have to forgive myself and i dont know that i can do that yet or that ill ever be able to?

The fact that i let myself treat the people around me so poorly will prolly haunt me for a while bc it is the exact opposite of who i strive to be

I still dont know how to forgive people for slights against others despite being very quick to forgive them against myself and ig that kinda is the main obstacle, i hurt other people and in holding that over my head i use the situation as a weapon to keep myself in check which is not an effective way to like exist? I dont believe in doing that to other people but for some reason the rules are different for me?

Its like purposely aggravating an old injury to remind me to not let it happen again, effective in its goal in the short term but violence is not a healthy long term learning tool

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Okay so another thing i learned in that post gap was that im like a sexist dog now and my gut instinctively distrusts and is afraid of cis men :/ which sucks bc i do sometimes think theyre hot or cool

But like the only cis man that im friends with doesnt even live in the same state as me and we dont really talk

Tbf i dont really have cis friends

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Hellloooo, I'm chark :) welcome in! Sorry but minors DNI

Im using this as essentially a little journal so i can get my thoughts into writing to better pin them down and get them out of my head, feel free to peruse and ask me questions i quite like talking to people :D

A lil abt me:

Im 24, transmasc he/they/(it <incredibly tentative) little white boy, my favorite color is teal, prolly autistic, defo ADHD, sexuality is a queer mystery to me

Long term obsessions: nature, aftg, my friends, queer identity, crochet, d&d

Short term interests: mouthwashing, birdwatching, AFTG, worldbuilding, furries?, starting S2 of yellowjackets

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They came over yesterday to go thrifting and clubbin and we had a lot of fun! I had like 7 total drink by the end of the night whoopsies but it honestly wasnt that bad i paced myself and didnt push too far, they were fairly spread out minus chuggin a mago cart then doin two back to back shots whoopsies but after that we were solid

Also team drunk SCHOOLED team high at foosball, 6-2 and then 5-1 K was playing one handed sippin on her rum n coke and i was boppin to the music they were playin singin along and all that, but like we were in SYNC passin the ball and gettin wild scores it was great

We went to the UC upstairs and chilled it was fun the bartender joked around w us, we just kinda sat n yapped we also played four-way chopsticks which was fun

Then we went to Main Street where we ran into some ppl K knew from student govt in highschool who actually were p chill, they were both hella into anime which i appreciate and they were pretty nice too :)

Ofc ended the night w flacos and went back to the house, we threw on Mr. & Mrs. Smith and p shortly after K passed Out, and the remaining three ate dulce de leche in the kitchen which is when the peak of the edible hit so it was incredible

R went to bed not long after but i stayed up with S around 4 to yap and finish the movie which was p good and i should watch while sober at some point!

The next day we just kinda chilled in the morning had breakfast at the house and decided to do a sweet treat run downtown around 1ish we got some solid boba from the new place i got an osmanthus tea, K got like smth creme brulee, and S got a brown sugar milk tea boba

We came back to the house ate lunch n then r and k were lame and didnt wanna go on a walk so i went w s to the lake trail and oh my fucking god it was fantastic we just kinda walked and yapped and she found a big ass stick that was very shape it looked like it had power imbued in it and like she decorated it w a buncha pinecones and spanish moss and leaves so it made really good sounds while we walked and i found an immaculate whack-stick w a lil spike on the end and it was excellent to swing around made a great whooshin noise

We just kinda wandered around explorin an poking around climbing shit and tromping off the path, we saw some gators and i think fox tracks and then we came across my favorite tree to look at which i had never actually like thought to climb even though it was PERFECT for it and we settled in and sat there for a while yappin and it was so easy and comfortable and at one point

At one point we're in the tree and im laying down on a massive branch staring up at the leaves above watchin birds dart around and she's playing the ocarina, calling back to the low hoots of some mourning doves

It was excellent :) wonderful day

I love my friends :)

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I love my friends :)

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AFTG is some of my favorite writing i could talk for literal hours abt it and i might get the chance to :) i love to yap

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Ya ever just wanna gnaw on a skeleton like its a chew toy?

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I need to stop using shame as a weapon against myself :/

I gotta kill the cop in my head but idk How

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Oh yea! Thats the other thing! Ive started making my room look more like Mine! Its a space that (when its clean lol) i like being in and i think accurately reflects me and my interests!

Something i Have Not Been Able To Do given the string of rentals and moving n stuff but now that im p sure im settling at R's house for the next bit i felt secure enough to start decorating and styling things!

Okay so several things have happened since i forgot this blog existed

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It made me want to reorganize my room in the worst way so now half my clothes are spread around the living room in piles (:

I recently got a bookshelf!!! Yippeeeee for storage!!

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I recently got a bookshelf!!! Yippeeeee for storage!!