journalkkk

[journalkkk]

I'm 21 now..

Started cute - ended up just being a confused girl abt to get into the depths of her 20s | WISH ME LUCK

This is weird. I actually feel like I'm talking to my 17 year old self ?? ANYWAYS. Heartbreaks ... there's been a few, given and received. They've definitely changed me. Good news is I made friends, like good ones. I think. I haven't quiet gotten over my friendship anxieties but I'm getting better. I'm wiser and kinder and I can actually regulate my emotions a bit better. That or I'm better at ignoring them because shit has gotten real. I'm always rushing now, I know I'm only 21 but time feels fast. Maybe that's because I've put myself under alarms of pressure to fix my family's mistakes and their downfalls like only my success can save them. If only my success can save them, we really are fucked. Also, I'm starting to hate empathy. I want to think like a badish person. Those people who don't really do anything wrong but are just shit people, dgaf about anyone fr. It's confusing hurting for someone that just hurts you and the ones you love. I wish I could fix us all. I'm starting to see the world as a playground of kids. All our inner kids doing grown-up jobs and shit. But deep down we're all a little scared, and clueless. Just floating around trying to figure shit out. There's always shit to figure it. Why! is there SO much shit to figure out.

[journalkkk]

i know i created this page to write about my happy moments and i really want to, when i encounter some i will try as soon as possible because it will not last long but if i simply dedicated this blog to happy moments it would often be empty and lacking any updates. I want to dedicate it to improvement, I want to look back when HOPEFULLY one day i will be somewhat content and look back at how far i will have come, and how nothing "good" comes without sacrifice and downfalls. I know I will always endure dark days, and life still has A LOT of injustice in store for me and i can't say i'm ready but atleast i'm aware

[journalkkk]

i wake up every single day just awaiting the time i get to sleep again. I don't want to see daylight, I don't want to do anything because it's literally pointless, everything i do is pointless and or destructive towards others. I want to live my life at a happy flow

[journalkkk]

i come and drink my morning coffee everyday before work at this cafe and they play soothing music. I kind of just focus my attention on the people passing by and it truly baffles me and makes me upset how there are people who's mindsets are like mine or worse, and it also confuses me how some people are genuinely content with their life, of course they encounter difficulties but they don't let it deteriorate their mental state. HOW do people want to live. It's such a foreign and wild thought to me, it quiet literally feels impossible to ever feel hopeful and happy. But i want to FUCK i want to

[journalkkk]

i'm getting kinda bad rn well not bad like before but suckish and meh so i won't be posting, this is if you ever wonder why there's such a big gap in my posts. I intend to be back on this blog writing within the context of it hopefully x

[journalkkk]

ANYWAYS life is pretty swell atm and i'm so thankful honestly because i had no motivation or positivity left in me and i was ready to end my life but here i am and i'm glad i stuck around. There will always be obstacles i will struggle with everyday and people who despise the sight and life of me but i will carry on living and trying my hardest. Too long i believed i didnt under any circumstances deserve a feeling of satisfaction and overall content but here i am :)

[journalkkk]

opened this page so i could express good feeling instead of piling it onto my rant blog, too big of a contrast and dull mood

[journalkkk]

my mind has been at ease lately and i'm scared because this doesn't normally last for long or ever but u keep me grounded

[journalkkk]

i can't wait for whatever life has planned for us