journalofsorts2

[journalofsorts2]

very mildy nsfw, talk of male boobs

a tiny, small, insignificant, just itty bitty little part of me, maybe doesn't want top surgery? i don't know!!! it's been something i've wanted forever like before i was trans, all the way to back when i was nonbinary-not-really-just-figuring-it-all-out. and i still do want top surgery!! i still fucking hate my moobs!! they're so inconvenient, and i hate binding, and i hate not binding while having a shirt on, and i hate underboob acne, and i hate underboob sweat, and i just hate it all. but man do i kinda like the look of me topless in the mirror with my saggy fucking tits. i have such bad body dsymorphia and it's so hard to not see my body as feminine, but somehow, the ONE part of my body that's unaffected it my moobs. they just look so un-boob-like. testosterone wrecks any feminine qualities about your boobs it's awesome. so now, everything i hate about them is just out of annoyance, i like the appearance, but the annoyance is extreme and i don't think the amount i enjoy the appearance is great enough to keep them. i dunno, i don't even have the money for top surgery so this is something i'll have to come back to again in like 2 years.

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everyone complains about "the guy who played deltarune but not undertale" but i bet there's a guy out there who played undertale and loved it but just refuses to play deltarune for some reason. there's gotta be at least one.

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one of the light bulbs in my bathroom has been out for the last couple weeks and im too lazy to change it, but randomly it just went back on for a few seconds and then went back out again. i should probably get around to changing that

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god i feel like i big fat stupid fucking idiot all the time around these two i hate it. i mean i feel like this around everyone but it just hurts so much more with them. like the rest of the world sees a fragment of me and if i just keep the real shining shard that is me tucked safely away, it never hurts as bad. cause when i fail, im not failing as me, im failing as this cardboard cutout of me i've created. but with my dad and sister, when i fail, the box is too cramped to set up my cardboard cutout, they have to see some parts of that shining shard whether i like it or not, and it just hurts so bad to have their eyes on me. it hurts so bad to have anyone's eyes on me. i wish there was someone in my life who loved me. i need to get out of this house, it's killing me to have independence in my hands and chains on my wrists. i just keep retreating more and more into myself the more frustrated i get living here, and the more in my bubble i am, the more frustrated i am that they don't understand me.

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it's so weird to go about the world and not have to disclose that im trans to everyone anymore. like, i pass. i passed. im not across the finish line but im far enough along the track that everyone is looking at the other racers. before it was so obvious, i hate the term theyfab cause it's so mean and clocky but that's how i think of my appearance my first few years of transitioning. it was painfully obvious and it was constant battle to get anyone in my life to he/him or even they/them me no matter how hard i tried. but now i go to work at a brand new job and no one thinks twice about if im a man. i even got a guy in a fucking trump hat to call me sir, like c'mon, if i was theyfab-ing it up, he would've been the one to call me on it. i can be stealth, like that's an actual option for me in my life. and it's just so weird, i never thought i'd make it this far. i think there's a lot of things in life i didn't think i'd make it to. i think it's sad to look back on short i expected my life to be. and maybe im wrong, maybe the sun in my rain with hide again tomorrow, but right now im really really enjoying it

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if it was a pokemon evolution line and berdly is stage one and revali is stage three, who do you think would be stage two

berdly is a young revali (not literally, just in spirit) do you see my vision

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and NO, it's not just cause they're both birds.... but that does make my case a bit stronger doesn't it

berdly is a young revali (not literally, just in spirit) do you see my vision

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berdly is revali if revali had access to video games. like if revali had a controller and keyboard instead of a bow and arrow he would've been berdly. do you see my vision

berdly is a young revali (not literally, just in spirit) do you see my vision

[journalofsorts2]

berdly is a young revali (not literally, just in spirit) do you see my vision

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IM EMPLOYED AND ITS NOT A QUICK SERVICE FAST FOOD JOB!!!! (it's a gas station but i think that's an improvement)

IM EMPLOYED!!!!!!!

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IM EMPLOYED!!!!!!!

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i have been like insanely hopped up on anxiety lately it's crazy. i was listening to a podcast the other day and one of the people was talking about their anxiety struggles and said something like "if you're constantly living at 7 or 8, you don't really go 'oh shit' when you have a panic attack at a 9" and i feel like that's what the last couple weeks have been for me. i have NOT been eating well at all and i feel really bad about it and the more i get anxious about it the more upset my stomach is and the more i don't eat the more upset my stomach is and the longer i go without eating the harder it is to actually get food into my system. my stomach really hurts lately. i've had two job interviews this week and i recently (finally) got my license and i have just been a ball of stress. i wish i was moved out. i keep having this thought "if i was living alone i would be doing it this way". i keep hitting a ceiling and i think moving out is the final step in getting this weight off my chest. there's always something wrong with every solution to freedom, im a plane trying to take off down the runway and something keeps grabbing my wheels after im a little bit in the air. i feel like once im able to move out, no one will grab my wheels anymore. i wish i was actually brave instead of the fake brave everyone likes to call me. maybe then i'd actually have the courage to bring up my disordered eating in therapy. cause i really need help, i do i know i do, it's not healthy, my eating is never healthy. and again "if i was living alone, i'd do this differently". my disordered eating almost always revolves around others perception of me. i want to have a real fucking dinner for once that isn't shitty sandwiches, but shitty sandwiches get me in and out of the kitchen nice and quick. every time i deny myself dinner it's because i missed my "time slot" for dinner and im worried what people would think of me when im eating dinner at 6:50 instead of 6:30. if i just had the freedom of being alone and no one around to see me eat or what i eat or how i cook, im so sure that my eating habits would improve. that's all i've ever needed really. alone. even when i get the house to myself it doesn't really feel alone, i just need to spread out and learn to take up space.

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i really really really really really hate the way you all like to talk about ftm detransitoners as if the media isn't weaponizing them to spin a harmful narrative about trans people the same way they do with clocky trans women. yes obviously there's a difference and people like maia poet are extremely harmful, but i don't get why people refuse to have any sort of meaningful conversation about detransitoners. there's a reason you only really hear ftm detransitoners!! it's a lot easier to spin a tall tale about a fraile young woman who got sucked into the evils of hormones and can never get her birthing body back then it is to say the same about a young man who went on hormones and realized he wasn't trans. the same way the media like to falsely portray trans women as these big bulky men with huge beards and muscles invading girls bathrooms, the stories with detransitoners also rely on a exaggerated, offensive stereotype of our agab. it doesn't help that's there's people (like maia poet for example) feeding into it. it makes the conversation a lot harder and maybe i'll continue my thoughts on this later, maybe i'll regret my wording on this, idk it's late and im tired but people on twitter piss me off

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maybe im hyper woke but i really fucking hate it when people are like "only tranMASCs can be lesbians not transMEN" cause i think trans MEN can be lesbians. i think in modern online culture, we've let labels define us wayyy too much (not just in queer spaces), and i hate that people see it as a checklist meant to be fulfilled instead of a personal relation to the term. trans men are capable of being lesbians, im sure there are some binary trans men out there who are lesbian. gender and sexuality are big giant pile of tangled up cords and it's not your job to sort someone else's cords. i don't get why it's so hard to just live and let live

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this is my prediction for the future and im locking it in now. but whatever generation is after alpha, whatever generation gets raised by gen z, i think will be raised with little-to-no modern tech stuff like smartphones and ipads and shit. y'know gen z is the first generation truly raised in the digital age, i think it makes sense that that wave of parents would be the ones to break it. i dunno, or maybe i know nothing

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man, thank god for my cat. if we didn't get her back when i was 11, i would have killed myself. full stop, no ifs, no maybes, i would have died without her. im a whole lot better now but i reflect now and then and i dunno, it's just crazy to think that's she's the only thing that kept me going

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my driving test is in 5 days and i am trying my best to not get my hopes up. i've been told im a good driver and i'll probably pass, but it's me. when does anything ever go right? it's been years without a license and im realizing im mad at how quick it was to learn to drive. me and my dad like to blame his old stick shift (among other obvious things) as to why i didn't learn to drive at 16 but i think that if my voice was louder, if i was more seen, i could've learned it. if the world ever learned to meet me at where im at instead of constantly expecting me to chase down everyone around me, maybe i could've had my license at 16. i won't pass my test. i know i won't. it's too big. it's too much of a good thing. there is zero substantial downsides from getting a driver's license in my life and that's how i know it won't happen. the world knows that i don't deserve good things. if i do pass my test i've decided that my first act of alone driving would be to drive down to the whole foods. if the world won't punish me, i can make sure i punish myself by going to the spot me and my mom used to go to for the first time in like 6 years.