journeyofawombat-blog

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The human species we are. In constant decay both physically, mentally. We try this, and we also try that. Look at where we have brought ourselves, or has this been home all this time? - Promethean Dread 🥀

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Some people have been underwater for so long, they’ve become fish.

Pain, Eliot Knight (via eli0tknight)

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some photos to add to my collection

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an after lunch update...

I ate some food and I’m left feeling completely worthless. I can feel my stomach against my jeans and sweater and I feel like I can sense my legs getting bigger by the second. But everyone says this is good. The issue is I can’t show them how this feels I can only fail to describe well how I’m feeling usually just leaving things at “I don’t feel well.” The reality is that every time I put more than about 200 calories in my mouth at once my mind goes into override. I’m left feeling disgusting and as though this feeling of fullness will never go away. I feel hate for myself when I crave heavy things such as bread and pasta, but these cravings will continue to haunt me as long as I resist them. These feelings have left me feeling defeated and as though I have no energy left for my art class and work, for I have already spent my energy on the motivation it took to put this food in my mouth. I can only hope that one day these feelings will leave. 

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updates

these past few days have been a bit crazy. the crazy began last saturday night when i landed myself in the er after a huge panic attack and existential crisis. the voices were back that night and i was scared that they would kill me. the thought still makes me cringe since they felt so close. some days the voices will seem to be there but theyre distant so brushing them off is more simple, but that night they were inside of me and i was without hope that they would leave. the things they told me to do were terrifying, and i cried and screamed for them to go away- all as my parents watched in horror. to see your daughter curled up on the floor with snot running down her face and tears soaking the floor while she mumbles through cries about the voices telling her to kill herself im sure must have been terrifying for them. I think we all are going to try to forget that night honestly. thankfully my mom was there to help and we went for a drive that turned into going to the hospital. at that time i didnt feel confident that i could go back home without the voices forcing me to do something i wasnt ready to commit to. at the hospital we waited for almost an hour until i got the opportunity to talk to their counselor and discuss the best option. at that point all i knew was that i could not go home again, yet after a lenghty conversation i was talked back into returning to my room. the counselor believed due to my eating disorder their inpatient treatment would not be helpful and since i didnt want to take meds staying overnight to see a psychiatrist would also be a waste of time. so i was sent home, suicidal and scared. mostly i was mad since i was left feeling that they could do nothing for me, i still feel a bit discouraged, but now im feeling grateful that they didnt admit me since some good things have happened in the past few days. first of all i got myself a chinchilla! his name is radish and he’s absolutely adorable. he’s a bit squirmy and nervous right now but im sure the longer i have him the closer we will get. also being back in school is so nice. i finally remember how it feels to be connected. i love it so much and i just cannot get this taken away from me again. it feels motivating and i hope i can do well enough to stay here. i feel like im doing okay but im still struggling with certain food groups but maybe i can maintain with what i eat now. wish me luck :) 

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update in the life of a wombat: meg is struggling. i don't feel like i'm struggling since i feel good about my poor choices but i know from a reasonable place others would say i am struggling. food continues to get scarier and scarier by the meal and at this point it feels too late to turn back. on the other hang yesterday was good, i had some food and hung out with friends which is always delightful. to be surrounded by people who care about me just puts me in just a good headspace. short update today but gotta start somewhere right?

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Sometimes you just got to give yourself what you wish someone else would give you.

Phil McGraw  (via wordsnquotes)

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update in the life of a wombat: treatment is ass but im done finally. today is my last day and i never want to do this again. i can't stand being here and everything hurts when i'm in these four walls. on the other side i did get my bangs cut today which felt good to have my hair done and back to where i feel confident in how i look. im having some pretty hard body image issues but im just pretending everything is okay and going on with it. my job does start next week though and i'm super excited to work with the kiddos!! i love kids and i think this job will be really helpful in keeping my spirits up enough to stay out of treatment.

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when i walked past today the flowers were dead/ what killed you?/ was it the smoke that refuses to let go of your once upon a time clean lungs?/ was it being stepped on? just one too many times./ were you lacking food? were you malnourished?/ oh my dear have you starved to death?/ i know the tune to that song and i am sad to see you go/ another young soldier, gone in the business of caring about anyone but yourself./ such a shame to see you here/ head bent down, petals left to dry out in the heat/ the hot summer air/ one day to drop to the ground , stepped on once again/ oh how they have used you/ all you wanted was to be pretty.  be happy be free/ yet here you sit in front of me/ droopy and dying- i have seen your face before./

meg breen august 2017

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update in the life of a wombat: this week i got to have my lovely jack spend the night with me and backyard camp with him, although it was cold as all hell and i was shivering the whole night waking up with him beside me made it all worth it. to be with him makes my troubles disappear and i'm left with only love for his kindness and gentle nature. other than that i've been pushing myself to the limits with treatment this week. i guess we can say it's going well? my mental state is not 100% great, but my eating is improving so i suppose 2 steps forward 1 step back right? this coming weekend should be good though, im planning on doing some yoga with friends and hanging out at the park so a pretty chill weekend overall. i've been drawing a ton lately as well and that's helping lots with my mood. i feel so grateful to have something in my life ,finally, that is healthy and i use to cope. that's about it for this impromptu short update. stay safe and stay kind everyone 💘mb

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It’s okay to walk away. You’re allowed to leave this place. You’re allowed to leave toxic people. You’re allowed to say no without explaining why. You’re allowed to quit something that you don’t really love. You can move freely. You’re allowed to start over with something else. You’re allowed to fail and try and try again.

ginniemouse (via wnq-writers)

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Ways to Love Yourself 1. Know yourself You cannot love someone you don’t even know. 2. Accept that you have strengths and weaknesses. You have skills and problems. Do a SWOT Analysis (strengths, weaknesses, opportunities, threats) of yourself if you want but remember, opportunities and threats are external. You don’t have control over them. But you can use your strengths and improve on your weaknesses, both of which are internal, to handle the external. 3. Disliking certain things about yourself is normal. That gives room for improvement. Improve. Don’t be lazy and choose the path of self loathing. 4. Forgive yourself Understand that making mistakes is the way to grow. If you hadn’t fallen on your bum a couple hundred times you would have never learned to walk. If as a baby after one fall, after one mistake of breaking something, you would have decided to just sit in the corner and never try again, you would still be sitting there with the broken pieces. Don’t do that. Learn from your toddler self. Get up. And the only way you can do that is by forgiving yourself. 5. Accept that as of now you do not love yourself. Lying to yourself won’t eventually lead you to believe it as the truth. Lying to someone you love is not a way to love them. 6. Disregard what others say about you. So much of the good and bad they tell you really has more to do with themselves; their mindset and mood, their motives and interest. Don’t let people fill in blanks for you. That won’t lead to a happy ending, it won’t lead to a story you can call your own. 7. Be patient with yourself, be kind. Being hard on yourself is a really stupid thing to do. It isn’t productive, it isn’t one bit effective and it is completely unnecessary. 8. Discard the idea that you are breakable. Reject the concept that someone can leave you broken. They can hurt you, yes and they can cause you an immense amount of pain but they cannot break you. You aren’t made of glass. Give your cells a little more credit. Give your heart a little more of it too. 9. When you realize that the grass is greener on the other side, don’t draw up plans to ruin that grass or come up with a way where you can camp on it and abandon your own grass. Instead, take a trip to the shop to buy some fertilizer and tend to your own grass. Upskill yourself constantly. 10. Learn new things. Invest time and energy in things that interest you.You didn’t learn to play piano in school but always wished to? Who said there is an age limit. In most cases the saying, ‘it is never too late’ stands absolutely true. 11. Look yourself in the mirror. You can admire or just observe. Look into your eyes. Look at your reflection. Just look. Have a see in what’s inside. Don’t look away. Have the courage to see the truth. 12. Spend time with yourself. Buy yourself flowers if flowers are what you love. Don’t wait to meet the right person to do the things you always wanted to. Go star gazing, skinny dipping. Solo travel. Do whatever you want to and can. Write your future/past self a letter. Cook yourself a meal. Buy yourself some ice cream. Click goofy selfies. 13. Learn to accept compliments. Be graceful. All you have to do is say ‘thank you’. And please don’t feel the immediate need of returning the compliment. You don’t always have to give when you get. Especially when you don’t really have anything to give. A ‘thank you’ and a smile are more than enough. 14. Learn to be okay in silence. The voices in your head? They terrorize you, I know. But trust me, they go away. They go away if you face them. There are no demons in your head. These are just echoes of your fears and insecurities. Listen to them. Breathe deep. Know that they are weak. Face them head on. And then ask them to leave. 15. Accept your body. However it is or it isn’t. It has accepted you in every possible way. Accept it and see how it accepts you even more. Accepting doesn’t mean not changing something that you can in a healthy way. It only means that your love is unconditional. Your love is whole. And that is the only way to love yourself. Wholly.

creatingnikki  (via wnq-writers)

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update in the life of a wombat: I woke up this morning at 4 o’clock so clearly this day is off to a thrilling start. other than this morning though  my life has been somewhat stable for the first time in a quick minute. the only really moving variable causing me stress is treatment. treatment is giving me the boot either one way or another. my therapist calls it “ step up or step out” what she means by that is either step up levels of care to where i should be (php/res) or step out (op). i mean clearly my decision is out patient im so fucking sick of treatment at this point. more sick of treatment than sick of my eating issues. but thats a problem for another post right? anyways. this past friday night i got to see some kids i know through jack perform in their band and it was pretty great! i was super impressed by their musical abilities and theyre still all like in hs or just graduated. that was just an overall good time honestly. I got to be at the concert with my two favorite people jack and baylee which made it so much more enjoyable. yesterday i went to a vintage sale and then hung out with some new friends which was really exciting!! and actually i think went very well!! they were all so cool and kind to me it was very enjoyable. we all went down to the river and smoked a bit then got in the water. the water was cold as hell so there wasnt much swimming but just being around those people was v enjoyable for me anyways. at the vintage sale i bought this gorgeous denim dress that i plan on wearing at my soonest possible chance. it hugs my body perfectly and looks great. its sort of old time-y and im definitely getting more into the old vintage look. i feel this has been a sufficent update in the life of this wombat, so this concludes the post. goodmorning/goodnight/goodday

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talking to myself

having a blog is sort of similar to having an ongoing conversation with yourself, if you have no followers at least. but i’m sort of okay with it. this is simply megan to megan. hello megan nice to meet you. i find you a bit confusing, but hopefully one day i can understand you. you are sort of everywhere. your sided personality i believe is your greatest achievement and your greatest fault. you can go to be three different people all in one day, but they are all you. just sides of your personality and that’s pretty dope, but it hurts when one of the sides goes dark or bad. it makes everything painful and switching out of that side isn’t always so successful. but then u switch. leaving everyone a bit confused including yourself. well today i don’t know who i am except for megan and maybe that’s okay.

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today

i woke up today and i am overwhelmed by absolutely nothing. i feel so restless and anxious and nothing is the cause. i haven't been able to understand why this numbness is haunting me but i can't escape it unless i'm in his arms safe and sound. im terrified for my own life i cannot continue on this way. help please

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to my inspiration, my everyday sunshine, and my favorite photographer// you capture moments with film, i catch mine with words/ but neither can do this moment justice/ not a million shots of my blue eyes could show the love i feel towards you/ not a million shitty love poems could show you how my heart feels when i'm safe in your arms/ my love for you is immeasurable/ and i don't love you lots darling/ or even a ton/ no, i love you forever.

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update from the wombrat• today i hiked a mountain and i felt love for my body in the most genuine way. i have never felt this way before but when climbing the trail and feeling my thighs and calves burn to know that my body could continue to carry me up helped me feel a growing respect for this big piece of flesh driven by my brain. my body image once down the hill receded to normal and not so great but those moments of pure gratitude made my entire vacation.