journeyofselfreflection

[journeyofselfreflection]

"I haven't slept in days, let's drink." Would not have survived social work hell week without venting to these delinquents on a daily basis. Y'all my people. #RamapoBSW #SWdegenerates (at Mason Jar)

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Me in flower form. ☺️🌻 (at Anderson Farms)

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Happy World Suicide Prevention Day! Wearing orange to support the cause. Everyday is worth it, people; keep on keeping on! 💞🔶 #091015 #suicidepreventionday2015 (at Ramapo College of New Jersey)

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January 5, 2014

Why has it been hurting so much lately? I loved you with every part of my being. I think it's killing me that it wasn't enough. It isn't enough. I'm just not sure what it is God intends to make out of this. Of course it'll be something beautiful. But right now I feel empty, I feel heavy hearted, I feel hurt. All I want to make everything feel right again is you. I've been given so many blessings in my life. Yet I can't seem to appreciate it all as much without you. I can't help but reminiscence and feel nothing but regret and guilt and hatred for myself. Why didn't I appreciate you when I had you? Why didn't I come back to you sooner before someone else got you? What I feel and what I've been feeling this past month is my want for you. I don't need you in my life, but I so badly want you in it. I want you to hold me and tell me it's going to be okay. Sucks loving someone who loves you, but doesn't want to be with you. I'd rather die than feel this pain again. I want my happiness back.

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November 30, 2014

Changing my username from freethesoulfreethemind to journeofselfreflection. I deem this as appropriate being in the place I'm at now. Haven't written in this in a long time, which I suppose can reflect on the strength I've gained by not having to use tumblr as an outlet.

However, today was a game changer. Of course another social media app is what gets me feeling sick in the head. First seeing a one-second snap-chat of another girl on your snapchat made me feel so sick. Then going out and seeing my friends from high school, I felt some type of way the entire time. After that, going home to see yet another snap chat of you cuddling up to the girl definitely got me feeling like i used to the first time we broke up. A little bit of self-blame is put in this situation.

I'm still pushing myself to understand that this is all for the better for the both of us. Reflecting back, our relationship was by no means bad, but it was certainly not fruitful. We stopped growing together and therefore stopped growing as individuals. But I never want to stop growing. I want to keep going. 

Here's a post to remind myself that I'm worth something. I may not feel like that right now, but eventually something or someone in my future is going to grace me with their presence and remind of how beautiful life can be. I genuinely am excited to encounter that. Keep on striving for more, Jamie. God's not done with you & looking back on a previous post, He's not going to give you anything you can't handle. Keep on keeping on.

Love yourself, love others.

[journeyofselfreflection]

June 7, 2014

Getting attention from guys is not something I'm used to. & I don't think it's normal that on my late night drive home I kept thinking about just speeding & crashing into something.

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May 27, 2014

I'm so confused. I guess now is the time to embrace my single hood.

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May 24, 2014

We settled things last night as being still broken up, but working on a relationship again. I love you, & I guess it took the dramatic to really realize it. Still praying that we come to the right decision. But for now, I love you, I miss you.

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You were a great first love. You were kind to me always, & I'm so sorry now that I didn't always reciprocate that. You loved me so much, and I genuinely don't know why I couldn't give the same love back. I was harsh & selfish & totally unkind to you. Naturally an hour after the breakup, all of these thoughts are filling my head. I want you back so bad to fill the void. However I'm understanding that it's only bc I feel empty now. I know my future is brighter, I just want the pain to subside right now, & that's not how it works. You were right in saying that this year has not been the same, & that we are on different paths. From the bottom of my heart, I truly mean it when I say I really wanted it to work & I really wanted it to be you. I wanted you to be my one and only. I wanted to love only you for the rest of my life. I wanted to marry you & have a family with you. But all of these wants are things of the present, I suppose. I'm only 19, too young to know what unconditional, undying love is. I can say I love you now, but will this love die? Apparently so if we can't be together now. My heart is literally aching for you to come back & hold me & tell me it will be okay & that we can be together again & forever. I want to lay with you without caring about anything else. I love you so much & I just want to take it all back now, even though it's what I wanted. I really do contradict myself, huh. I pray to God offering up all of my feelings for you. I don't think it's mine to have anymore, & I think it was never really was mine to have at all. They say God wouldn't give you anything you can't handle. & I really hope this to be true.

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"You were the first person I've ever loved, you know?"

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May 23, 2014

I’ve never felt so frustrated. I feel like it’s the end.

*edit

Today is the end. I genuinely thought I could get him back. But we both knew this was a long time coming. I love him. & I know that for the rest of my life there will always be a small part of me that will always love him. There’s nothing else left now. Now I have no choice but to grow more.

[journeyofselfreflection]

May 22, 2014

So far my mind had been encompassed around the thoughts of you, you, & you, instead of You. Maybe this is your sign to me. Back to the heart of worship. Long, hard path. But always the path towards home.

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May 21, 2014

Literally the last thing I need is having my best friend mad/annoyed/upset with me. Regardless if she's joking or not, my feelings are way too vulnerable right now. & for what? That I can't hang out? Well where were you when I needed someone to vent to? I guess this is why I turned to this social media site. Day by day the loneliness lingers & I'm brought back to my darkest time. I think about cutting, but I know I'm not stupid like I used to be. So many thoughts in my head & it breaks me to know that I have no one I can voice it to. I guess it's true when they say depend on no one but yourself. I know my future will look a lot brighter than today. I just wish today was the day I felt okay again.

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F.A.G. Tuesday with Vyvian & Kim. - Park Ave Diner - Rita's - Roosevelt concert for Marylee - TGIF's - Wine at home

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1.) Adriel's graduation party 2.) Girl date with Nikki to GSP 3.) Jamie's party for Kenny & Jared