jovianjellyfish - Tumblr blog

[jovianjellyfish]

[jovianjellyfish]

[jovianjellyfish]

normalize being in your 20's without a drivers license. normalize being in your 60's without a drivers license. normalize never ever getting your license. death to automobiles peace and love on planet earth

[jovianjellyfish]

Twitter is sm more fun

[jovianjellyfish]

" I eat one meal, maybe two a day. and that's fine, that's my normal to me. it's not an eating disorder. if you're not hungry, fine. but don't make it an eating disorder. unless you are hungry, then I don't get it."

I've explained it before. about why I do it. when I get like this I lose my appetite completely. I feel so hollow, not in the good way though. I mean like my stomach is filled with empty calories of completely utter sadness, discomfort and envy.

I'm

literally just depressed again babe. it's happening gradually. I'm not forcing it on myself and it's not your fault. I'm just so, so very sad right now. i can't envision any future right now. you always complain about me thinking too much of the future, but this is what happens when I lose that inner world of mine for a brief moment.

[jovianjellyfish]

slowly falling back into my honeymoon phase; seems like a lot of us are. watching the YouTube videos, the movies. counting, burning, starving. i haven't really eaten anything these past few days... just sitting in a basement drinking water. i feel really numb- i think

my boyfriend said he saw it coming for about a week lol. he says he doesn't understand why i do this. he points out my softer areas, the ones he says he likes. tells me my face would look weird thinner; even though it won't get that much thinner because my indigenous facial bone structure. everytime he points out something he doesn't want to be changed, i have some excuse as to why i would still look better thinner.

he's irl thinspo. he can't gain weight no matter what- he wants to gain weight, he says he wants to be fat. i support that and he would look sexy either way aha. seriously, him with a dad bod>> but i don't see why i can't make myself look the way i want to. he can eat all my food if he wants, and he usually does.

one of my biggest fears rn is him leaving if i get too disordered if/when I reach my goal.

but that's stupid to worry about because we have much bigger problems in life right now

[jovianjellyfish]

started my period.

yay.. c:

[jovianjellyfish]

i think i'm going to do my first *purposeful* fast. i've only been able to fast when i don't think about it, and when i wake up with morning "skinny". i've been getting hit with multiple nausea waves these past few days when I try to eat. so i think i can do it

fasting goal:

16-24 hours

calorie limit; 50 in case i feel too weak

if i had the energy to exercise and do yoga again, this weight would come off so easily.. but i'm too tired

update: made it to 19 hours.. cramps are kicking my ass and I couldn't resist some chocolate mochi

[jovianjellyfish]

I want to post myself but I'm not thin again yet

[jovianjellyfish]

"you look hungry"

idk how i should take that as

[jovianjellyfish]

i feel disgusting

[jovianjellyfish]

i dont know if anyone is real anymore

i dont truly know anyone. nobody knows me. they dont want to, or at least dont seem like it.

what does anyone think about? how am i seen by others? are any of you real?

what kind of people are all of you- or are you just a plethora of numbers? cool. may the simulation take over

[jovianjellyfish]

i dont want to be like anyone else.

i just want to be content in myself.

[jovianjellyfish]

i wonder how far could i go

i have been losing and gaining 10 lbs. doesnt take much for me to lose it, a few days of water fasting washes it away. but im lazy, and have food to eat. 115. my lowest. i just want to see how far i can go if i just try hard enough. 

it pisses me off. arguing to myself why it’s stupid to want to be tiny and it lowkey disgusts me because of the fact i recognized as a child to people on the streets when im thinner. but i can’t bring myself to grow curves anymore. i cant imagine being at the weight i was at pre-transition, when i was “healthy”.

i was recovering. but so many things have been coming to mind. i got a wig recently. i purely see myself as both man and woman, but as neither at the same time. i like to be feminine but the way that everyone treated me entirely different after presenting as feminine... maybe relapsing is for the best, for my dysphoria. covering myself up won’t be bearable for long. it’s hot outside. i dont want to be seen as a girl. i dont want people to treat me differently- its not a nice difference. it’s this excruciating discomfort, knowing that people are looking at me *that way*. the way people did before i transitioned to who i am now. 

whether it’s attraction, envy, disgust, no matter what people feel when they look at me when im feminine, i hate it. it used to make me feel more powerful, my outside appearance having a pull on people. i dont want to be seen like that though. i want my energy to overpower my appearance. so i have to shrink. i guess. thats what my brain tells me anyway. it’s sick but why does it make sense? idk

[jovianjellyfish]

A Stoner’s guide to not binging 🌿

Hi, I’m Leah! I’ve had an eating disorder for 3 years and have been smoking for 4 :) here are some things I do the prevent binging while high!

Every strain will effect you differently

In general: Indica= sleepy, relaxed, HUNGRY. Sativa= awake, focused, normal appetite.

All strains have the potential to make you hungry.

If you have a med card or weed is legal where you live, research strains you can buy at dispensaries. Leafly.com often has good info about the effects of different strains. This way you can get a general idea of how it might make you feel. Find what works for you!

What activities help me forget about eating

Being outside! Smoking in a hammock with friends or going on nature walks not only keeps your mind busy, but also keeps you away from snacks.

Sleeping. I know it sounds stupid but if you really feel like you might binge, smoke another blunt and get comfy. You’ll be out in no time!

Watch shitty lifetime reality TV. Nothing keeps me more distracted than watching old Dance Mom’s episodes.

Smoking with other people. Your friends can provide a great distraction. When I’m stoned and messing around with some of my favorite people the last thing I think about is eating.

Only smoke late at night. This makes me less likely to have the energy to make any food. My roomates are normally asleep and I don’t want to be loud and wake them.

I juul. It helps suppress my appetite and keeps my mouth busy. I don’t recommend this.

Post dumb shit like this on tumblr (yes I am high right now sorry)

Set yourself up for success

Don’t leave anything snackable where you plan to be. This means NOTHING that can be consumed. When you’re really fucked up the ketchup packet next to you could end up looking really delicious. 

Before you smoke make sure you have everything you need. I like to pour myself a big glass of water becuase I know I’ll have a dry mouth when I come back inside. If you have any safe foods that you might want, get them prepared.

Remember that we all make mistakes. You’re under the influence of a drug and if you eat that’s okay!

Stay happy and stay high!!

[jovianjellyfish]

Don't ever hesitate. Reblog this. TUMBLR RULE. When you see it, REBLOG IT.

Depression Hotline:1-630-482-9696

Suicide Hotline:1-800-784-8433

LifeLine:1-800-273-8255

Trevor Project:1-866-488-7386

Sexuality Support:1-800-246-7743

Eating Disorders Hotline:1-847-831-3438

Rape and Sexual Assault:1-800-656-4673

Grief Support:1-650-321-5272

Runaway:1-800-843-5200, 1-800-843-5678, 1-800-621-4000

Exhale:After Abortion Hotline/Pro-Voice: 1-866-4394253

Child Abuse:1-800-422-4453

UK Helplines:

Samaritans (for any problem):08457909090 e-mail jo@samaritans.org

Childline (for anyone under 18 with any problem):08001111

Mind infoline (mental health information):0300 123 3393 e-mail: info@mind.org.uk

Mind legal advice (for people who need mental-health related legal advice):0300 466 6463 legal@mind.org.uk

b-eat eating disorder support:0845 634 14 14 (only open Mon-Fri 10.30am-8.30pm and Saturday 1pm-4.30pm) e-mail: help@b-eat.co.uk

b-eat youthline (for under 25’s with eating disorders):08456347650 (open Mon-Fri 4.30pm - 8.30pm, Saturday 1pm-4.30pm)

Cruse Bereavement Care:08444779400 e-mail: helpline@cruse.org.uk

Frank (information and advice on drugs):0800776600

Drinkline:0800 9178282

Rape Crisis England & Wales:0808 802 9999 1(open 2 - 2.30pm 7 - 9.30pm) e-mail info@rapecrisis.org.uk

Rape Crisis Scotland:08088 01 03 02 every day, 6pm to midnight

India Self Harm Hotline:00 08001006614

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Kids Help Phone (Canada):1-800-668-6868, Free and available 24/7

suicide hotlines;

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[jovianjellyfish]

dysphoria and body dysmorphia