joycantdomagic

[joycantdomagic]

Is it depression? Or is my life really that miserable?

I’ve never really been a child. I grew up way too fast because my mom raised me that way. My mom was a single mom raising a little child. I don’t blame her for raising me the way she did. I did turn out quite alright and ready for the world. And yet I never experienced the same childhood others experienced. I don’t know if I miss it but I know that something is missing.

I moved to my fathers place when I was 14 because me and my mom were arguing all the time. We still are. Although we get along most of the time.... if we spend more than 3 days with each other we’ll rip each other apart.

It’s not the first time for me to be in a different environment. I had to change schools before, said goodbye to friends and hello to new ones before. I’m actually quite good at breaking up contact with people who are or at least were very close to me. So living in a new city wasn’t that difficult for me. I was always good in finding new friends. But it was difficult to fit into my “new” family... my dad married again. A woman who already had two children. They did everything together. Were on holidays together (without me), had birthdays together (without me) , shared insiders together (without me), had family photos together(without me) and so on. I wasn’t really a part of this family. I mean... I can’t blame them. I was rarely there and when I was, only for a couple of days. Fitting in was difficult. Which is something I never experienced. Especially with my own family.

So I grew cold over time. Stayed in my room all day and only came out if I had to. My stepsister also had problems with me moving in because now she was the middle child. And she’s very anxious and only knows how to express her anxiousness with anger. But I didn’t knew that at that time and I just thought she hated me for years. My brother and I got along quite well. He’s 5 years older than me and also pretty quiet. Although I’m not that quiet... but I am when I’m with my family. I’m actually a very happy person. I’m pretty extroverted and always laughing. But not when I’m with my family.

First of it was because I wasn’t feeling like I fit in. Then my father and I started arguing because of stupid stuff. I was mid puberty so it was mostly my fault. But he wasn’t used to arguing with his own child and he apparently forgot that I was in my puberty. Idk... but because of those arguments I grew even colder. And so did they. They barely included me in anything anymore. Although sometimes they tried but then I didn’t want to... because I knew my dad and I are arguing again.

My father is that kind of person who does big promises and NEVER keeps them.

He promised me for my birthday so many things... wrapped it in like a gift card I never got.

I’m okay with not getting any presents or not celebrating my birthday. I never really celebrated it up until I was 15.

That was my first ever birthday party and I celebrated it with my 3 best friends (at the time)

I always had good friends but these 3 were different and they were staying. It was really nice having them around. They were like a 2nd family for me. Because they were accepting me the way I was. Even though I wasn’t there from the beginning.

Now a few years later. Obviously some things changed. I got new friends. My old friends are still there. We’re still meeting up but only every few months. One friend (Anna) of my original friend group is going to my school and we’re still pretty good friends.

I discovered that I’m bisexual. I kept it a secret. Only told it my closest friends. I didn’t knew how my parents would react finding out. And I was too scared to find out.

So obviously the extrovert that I am, I went to my first pride in Cologne. No one suspected a thing because everyone went. I loved it. So I went to the next CSD in Essen with a group of friends I knew from a convention. And that’s how I met Sam.

Sam later became my boyfriend. He’s transgender. Which apparently is worse for my dad than him being 7 years older than me. I didn’t knew my father was that transphobic... so he kept asking me If I was a lesbian. And I kept saying “no” until one day he asked me if I like girls and I said “yes. But I also like boys” and he didn’t understood it... he kept telling me I should decide wether I like girls or boys... i was pretty confident at that time. I was quite brave and I stood up for the things I wanted. But it always backfired. It didn’t stop me though. I kept telling my dad my opinion... and of cause it wasn’t the same as his. So we argued even more. Threatened each other with so many things. I had one breakdown after another but I always played it cool.

After some time I discovered what “genderfluid” means... and I thought “fuck...I’m genderfluid”. I always tried to convince myself that I’m not (I still am). Because being genderfluid sucks! Obviously I haven’t outed myself to my parents. For them I’m still their girl... so that’s another thing. I can never fully outlive my genderfluid self. I always have to be feminine, I always have to be perfect, I always have to be something that I’m not.

My father never talks about me with his friends. Except it’s about my good grades or my future plans. Oh.. how I know? Because non of his friends know anything else about me... and guess what: my grades aren’t always that good. Does he mention THAT? Of cause not. Why would he mention his unperfect daughter?

But I’m not trying to impress him. I try to live my own life without him... which is difficult because we live in the same house.

Sam and I later then broke up. I kept it a secret from my dad for a very long time because I didn’t want him to think that he was right about Sam. Sam and I were still best friends. Maybe even more than friends. But we weren’t in a relationship anymore.

Anna and Sam (my two best friends) were always helping me with EVERYTHING I went through. We always helped each other with everything.

Now I think everything is changing a little bit and I am afraid that I am the only one who isn’t changing. Sam had a new girlfriend and during that time he was very absent. I can’t blame him. But I had Anna who always had my back.

After a year Sam broke up with his girlfriend. And he needed me again. Which obviously made me happy.

Now Anna got a boyfriend and she’s quite happy with him.

I don’t like him. I really tried to. But I don’t. He’s one of those dude bro’s who think every stereotype is real. He sometimes does nice things for her. And she’s happy.... but he’s changing her... into something I don’t like. Into one of those chewing gum chewing girls that I don’t like.

I kinda am excepting that I’ve lost her to him. Maybe just for a while... maybe forever... idk. We’re still trying. But I don’t think I want to be friends with the person she’s becoming.

But you know... I always have Sam... well apparently not for long now... because he’s in love. And it seems they’re getting in a relationship. And I know he’ll be invested in this relationship. He won’t have time for me at all.

And then I’ll be alone.

Alone in my room.

Yet again.

Because I don’t want to come out of it and get yelled at for No Reason at all.

I am 19. And I still feel like a lost child in a shopping mall.

[joycantdomagic]

steve & billy + cigarettes and talking

[joycantdomagic]

DO YOUR WORST

1: Could you go the rest of your life without smoking a cigarette?

2: Are you single/taken/heartbroken/confused?

3: What if I told you that you were pretty?

4: Ever been told “it’s not you, it’s me”?

5: Are you interested in anyone right now?

6: What are you looking forward to in the next week?

7: Do you want to be single?

8: Did you go out or stay in last night?

9: How late did you stay up last night?

10: Can you recall the last time you realized you liked someone a lot?

11: Last three things you had to drink?

12: Have you pretended to like someone?

13: Have you ever told somebody you loved them and not actually meant it?

14: Honestly, has anyone seen you in your underwear in the past 3 months?

15: Is it hard for you to get over someone?

16: Think back five months ago, were you single?

17: What were you doing at 12:30 this afternoon?

18: Hold hands with anyone this week?

19: Could you go for the rest of your life without drinking alcohol?

20: What would you name your future daughter?

21: Do you miss anyone?

22: Have you kissed three or more people in one night?

23: Did your last kiss take place in/on a bed?

24: Are you good at hiding your feelings?

25: Have you ever cried from being so mad?

26: Who did you last see in person?

27: Are you listening to music right now?

28: What is something you currently want right now?

29: What is the last thing you said out lot?

30: How is your heart lately?

31: Do you wear the hood on your hoodie?

32: Are you wearing socks?

33: What do people call you?

34: Will you talk to the person you like tonight?

35: Are there any stressful situations in your life?

36: Who did you last share a bed with?

37: Did you do something bad today?

38: When was the last time a member of the opposite sex hugged you?

39: Do you get stressed out easily?

40: Will you sing today?

41: Have you ever wanted to tell someone something but didn’t?

42: Who do you go to when you need to talk to someone?

43: Have you ever been taken to the emergency room in an ambulance?

44: What are you listening to right now?

45: What is wrong with you right now?

46: What is on your wrists right now?

47: Where did you get the shirt/sweatshirt you’re wea

48: What do you like better: hot chocolate or hot apple cider?

49: Do you make wishes at 11:11?

50: Are you a good artist?

51: Love really is a beautiful thing huh?

52: Do you miss the way things were six months ago?

53: Ever been on a golf cart?

54: Do you have trust issues?

55: Ever stayed up all night on the phone, with who?

56: Do you own something from Hot Topic?

57: Do you use chap stick?

58: Have you ever slapped someone in the face?

59: Do you have a little sister?

60: Have you ever been to New York?

61: Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?

62: Have you hugged someone within the last week?

63: What were you doing at midnight last night?

64: Have you ever regretted kissing someone?

65: Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile?

66: Were your last three kisses from the same person?

67: Have you kissed anyone in the last five days?

68: Would you rather sleep with someone else or alone?

69: Will next Friday be a good one?

[joycantdomagic]

LET’S DO BILLY

BILLY BILLY GO-GIL-Y, BO-NA-NA, FANNA, FO-FIL-LY, FEE FI MO

MILLIE?????

… BILLY

[joycantdomagic]

I love you

[joycantdomagic]

He Hops.

+

[joycantdomagic]

Thanks Francesca for this clearer pic of the lifeguard wall

[joycantdomagic]

Hey look, actual "unique" questions

[joycantdomagic]

This has gotta be his yearbook pic or some shit. Look at that smile. 

[joycantdomagic]

Just tell me what to do

Tell me if you love me

If you don’t then cut me loose

‘Cause I’m stuck in my brain again

Staranger things aesthetic boards {~}

[joycantdomagic]

[joycantdomagic]

- Tinker

[joycantdomagic]

El: TV is the best dad there is

Will: Agreed, TV never came home drunk

Mike: TV also never forgot me at the zoo

Billy: and most importantly, TV never abused and insulted me

El: Well, that got dark quick

[joycantdomagic]

harringrove + hands

[joycantdomagic]

insp.

[joycantdomagic]

Joe and Maya rehearsing their iconic bathroom scene from season 3

i’m crying.

[joycantdomagic]

it’s the same thing