joycastcant
embrace
water that wanted to be frozen,
but ended up being vaporized
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Today, I told my mom about my romantic relationship. Mom’s reaction is a lot calmer than what I was expecting HAHAHAHA
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Appear, DISAPPEAR, 1/2, 1/nope
Today, I had those thoughts again. I actually thought of ways to disappear from people’s lives. No, I do not mean death. Such is a gigantic decision and I do not think I will ever be ready for that. I just want to disappear and see if people really care like they say they do.
I first had this thought when I was like seven or eight. Look at that. I cannot remember what ignited that, but I had gone up to packing my stuff. I do not recall what happened next, but obviously I did not pursue.
But this time, I had the same thought. And this is not because I got yelled at by my parents, or I have problems in school or with my friends worth running away from. This time, I want to disappear because I feel useless. I do not have a purpose. I do not have a dream. I just joke my way out when I am asked what I want to be because I do not have that person in my head. I do not see myself anywhere in 10 or five years... heck, even next year.
If, IF, I die, I personally believe not much people will cry. I do not have enough attachment to most people that I know. Thinking of people who will cry at my funeral...hmm...I believe there will only be four people, maybe less, idk.
Anyway...I do not know if this is depression (I hope not), or other mental health problem, but I know I need help. But I am not comfortable with going to a psychiatrist (and I do not think it’s worth going for, since I am functional...sometimes (I am kidding about the sometimes!)).
“How about reaching out to someone very close to you?”
Yeahhhh about that. You see, when I was about to tell that person about this, they told me about another person experiencing something far worse than I do. They already have so much in their plate, and I do not want to jump into that as well. That person is really special to me, so I do not really like making them worry. So I just continued acting cool (lol), fun, and alright :)
And then I broke. Little by little, my shell is breaking. That person realized it first. They said that I am changing. And I was just there, saying in my head, “I am not changing. It’s just my facade. It’s crumbling.” Of course I apologized and then went on to telling them that I was just stressed with academics, which is true, but not the whole truth. I want to disappear.
Today, that person and I fought. Again. And of course, it was because of my poor attitude. I was not feeling good about myself, everything. And no matter how much I repress it, all the bottled up crap I crammed in my head for so long, consciously and not, is spilling. All those feelings are making their way to my eyes, turning to tears.
Soooo there. I can’t hold on to that one person because I am scared that they get tired of me. I am scared that they might think I am too much to handle. And I know I am. I can’t even handle myself. But I still did try to handle myself by myself. Maybe that’s why I am breaking..? I’m not sure.
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Why does it feel like I’ll be alone again?
It’s really hard to be alone again when you’ve become used to being with someone.
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It hurts
It hurts. It hurts. It hurts.
Sometimes I tell that when I am sad.
But this time, I can physically feel it.
The sadness that used to be just in my head is reaching my heart.
No, not the one that we pertain to when we write poems and songs.
I meant the one in my chest that can be ripped out.
It hurts when I try to hold the tears back.
It hurts even more when I let the tears fall.
It hurts the most when I realize that I am the problem.
Again.
And again.
I am always the problem.
It hurts.
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peachy dip and strawberry pip
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pls dont repost<3 reblogs are cool
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I love you more each moment. Seeing you makes me happy. Hearing you makes my heart flutter. Thinking about you makes me want to take care of you.
And I cannot even control any of it.
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Hi! Thank you for sprinkling some light to my world. You are funny, sweet and loving. You are wonderful :)
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Letter of Apology
To the person who is trying his hardest to cheer me up, From the bottom of my heart, thank you and I'm sorry. I apologize for not telling you the problems I'm hiding. I'm sorry for being selfish and dishonest. You don't deserve this. I'm sorry I'm worthless. Love, Me
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