joyk622-blog - Tumblr blog

[joyk622-blog]

Making Changes For The Right Reasons

To Begin.

Let's start with this, who gets to decide what is right or wrong?  Too many times people allow others like other people, society or even media sources to dictate what is right or wrong for them, but they shouldn't.  Who gets to decide what is right or wrong??  YOU DO!!  When I say that you need to do it for the right reasons, I mean the reasons that matter to you and not to anybody else!  You need to be important in your life!

How many times have any of us tried to do something for someone else because we felt obligated or pressured into it?  I think we all can admit to that.  My guess is most of us have tried to lose weight, get fit, changed our hair or clothing style to please our partners or performed an act of service out of duty rather than desire.  How’d that work out for you?  

I’m here to say that you don’t have to do any of those things.... unless you want to! 

No one can tell us we need to change our appearance, go to grad school or accept a job except ourselves.  When we say to ourselves we want to do one of those things, we need to mean it and actually want to make those changes.  Otherwise, we’re just adding unnecessary stress to our already stressful lives, for nothing. 

When we want to make changes, we need to ask ourselves some questions: 

1) Why is it important to do it??

2) To whom is it important??

3) Is it absolutely necessary??

4) Who can help us do it if needed??

But why would we do that?

There has to be a reason for what you want to accomplish, and this reason must come from your very own desire.  If you really don’t want to do something and it’s not an absolute necessity for your life, then don’t do it.  Yes, I did just say that, and I'll repeat it – don’t do it!  If you don’t have a strong enough desire, then all of your energy you put towards this goal will fill you with resentment, make you tired and bring negativity into your life. 

Maybe there is another thing you can do that will bring about the same or similar result, or perhaps even a result that's completely opposite but that still fulfills the same purpose for you.  For example, let’s say someone close to you has been nagging you to go back to school to finish a degree that was already started years ago, so you can get a better job and quit complaining about the one you have.  You do feel like you should finish that degree in whatever you started years ago because you already have a ton of credits completed and can get done a lot quicker and cheaper than starting over.  But wait!!  You’ve discovered over the years, a passion for something else and you want to study that instead.  Maybe only a fraction of your credits will count towards this degree, and it will cost more money and time, but doesn’t that far outweigh the internal discord you’ll experience if you make yourself finish the already started degree?  By choosing to study your newfound passion, the act of completing an education becomes important to you and not just the person nagging you.  Sometimes selecting the less easy path is hard but overall, the choice needs to be what you want and can make you happy.

Asking for Help

When you have an authentic desire to do something, most likely you will need some help along the way.  Some people have no problem asking for what they need or want, while many others do.  This is something that may become less uncomfortable the more you do it though.  I used to never ask for help and would research answers online for hours about something that I knew other people would know immediately and be happy to tell me.  Seems crazy right?  People do that all the time because it's hard to ask for help, it seems.  I’m here to tell you though… Ask for help!!    

When you do ask for help, make your request very specific.  Don’t get all frazzled with whatever you are doing and yell something non-specific at someone like, “You never help me.  I can’t get my work done.  My work is piling up, and I haven’t had a lunch in over a week!”   This was what I would say, at times.  All they hear though is you freaking out with probably no idea how to help.  I had to change and stop and think about what exactly I needed that was causing my frustration.  By calmly saying, “I’m really struggling to get my work done and I need to eat.  Would you be willing to help me with (whatever it is you need) because I would really appreciate it,” I was able to get the help I needed because most people want to help others.  It’s pretty likely they will say yes and do it.  If they don’t, then you go to Plan B and ask for help another way or from someone else, but the point is YOU are in charge of getting the help you need to do the things that are important to you and will save yourself a lot of harmful stress by doing so.

Self-Belief = capacity for producing a desired result or effect.

Okay, so now you’ve got your why and you’ve learned to ask for help but sometimes self-doubt creeps in and you become your own worst enemy.  How do you help yourself believe you can do it? 

First - Keep moving along, going through the motions, doing what needs to be done (what you’ve chosen to do) because the feeling will usually pass or you’ll have a small victory that reminds you that you can do it because you can.  Power through and take breaks along the way.  Realize that it is ok for things to take time and not be perfect from the start.  Second - Build a support team.  This may include people like a mentor, a coach, your partner, your best friend, your mom…anyone who knows you and your strengths and weaknesses.  Pick people who acknowledge your fears, validate your feelings, and who know you well enough to remind you of other experiences where you were great.  The key to using your support team is that you may have to ask (yes – ask!) for reassurance along the way.  More likely than not, they’ll be cheerleading you along the way without any prompting. 

Remember

You need to do things for the right reasons, which are reasons determined by you!  You need a why for what you are doing. Otherwise, it’s going to be a real drag.  You probably will need to ask for help, and if you aren’t used to asking for help, you’ll need to practice until it becomes comfortable. Finally, you need to push through hard times and build a support team who will be there with you. 

We are always here to help you!!