joythatswhathecalledme

[joythatswhathecalledme]

The urge of ending your life….

Everybody says “Why you didn’t give it a try?” But little did they know that you are losing yourself because of trying. You might see a little effort but I did bigger than that. You will never know how much sacrifices that I need just to f*cking try. You never know how much I cried every night because of the distress that keeps lingering in my head questioning myself why I am so weak to try really really hard. No one knows how much I want to try but the situation don’t give me a chance.

Can I just end all of this until all the pain fades away?

Can I just escape from all of this judgments?

Can I just disappear and never comeback?

Can I just say goodbye?

[joythatswhathecalledme]

Everyone will judge you for the decision you made, and everyone might said “Just try and bare with it for a while” but they didn’t know how much effort you convince yourself to continue and tried really hard. No one will know how much you pressure and stress also knowing that the path you are walking is also unclear. I tried, really hard, but it seems like it still isn’t enough.

No one knows the battles I’m fighting inside my head with the idea of dying. The idea of ending your life sometimes is fascinating. You don’t know how much I fight myself not to jump the footbridge while I’m walking the busy city of Manila. No one knows how much I want to jump on the MRT station just to end my life. If one day I’ll end my life I hope you understand that I tried but it wasn’t enough.

[joythatswhathecalledme]

"PAGSISISI" Isang salita na pilit bumabagabag sa isip ko sa tuwing iniisip kung bakit ko sinumalan ang salitang "tayo" Desisyong pinili tahakin kasama mo Salitang pilit kong kinikwestiyon sa tuwing naaalala ko kung tama pa bang ipagpatuloy itong ipinasok ko. Kasi pagsisisi rin ang masasabi ko sa huli pag nalaman kong ito'y laro lang pala para sayo. Hindi ko alam kong ano pa ba ang dapat kong asahan Ang salita mo bang "Mahal kita" ang dapat ko bang panghawakan Kasi, sa totoo lang mahal hindi ko rin alam kong kaya ko ba iyong paniwalaan Sa mundong puno nang pagtataksil mahirap naring isipin kung ikaw ba'y tapat sa akin. Masisisi mo rin ba ako kung puno ako ng pagdududa sa isip ko Dahil ilang milya rin ang layo mo sa kung saan ako Mga agam-agam sa sarili ko sa tuwing naiisip kong iba ang kasamo mo dahil malayo ako sa piling mo Pero tanggap ko na, napalagi akong mag-iisip ng ganito dahil ito ang desisyong pinili ko 'nong pinasok ko ang salitang "tayo". Gusto ko lang naman magmahal nang hindi magdudulot ng sakit Pagmamahal na hindi pinipilit kundi pagmamahal na sa puso'y uukit Nawa'y hindi pagsisisi sa kung anong meron tayo sa puso ko ang siyang maikabit Kundi ang pag-ibig at pagmamahal sa aking puso ang magkukunyapit.

[joythatswhathecalledme]

I really hate him to death. I wish he will die sooner. I don't know him anymore.

[joythatswhathecalledme]

Hindi ko inaasahan na mahuhulog ng husto diba sabi ko 'non sayo hindi ako handa para sa mga bagay nato Yung pagmamahal, wala sa isip ko. Pero dumating ka ginulo mo yung pag-iisip ko, parang tanga kakangiti pag magka-chat tayo. Nagmumuka na akong sira-ulo tuwing kinikilig ako sa mga banat mo. Di ko nga namalayan ang oras tuwing magka-late night talks tayo. Saya at excitement din ang naramdaman ko 'nong sinabi mo ang mga salitang "I love you". Tila ba'y merong paru-paru sa aking tiyan tuwing naririnig ko yung mga salitang binibitawan mo. Palagi mong pinaparamdaman na ika'y seryoso dahil may pa good morning ka tuwing paggising ko. May pasabi kapang kain nako kasi ayaw mong gutom ako. Nakakatulog din ng may ngiti sa labi tuwing gabi dahil sa pa-goodnight mo. Masaya lang nabalikan ang mga ala-alang inawan at binuo pero bakit biglang naglaho. Yung salitang "ghosting" binagyan mo ng kahulugan sa tuwing may nagbabanggit nito. Yung bigla kanalang nagkaroon ng bago nang di sinasabi kung meron pabang tayo. Mahirap palang maranasan yung salitang "ghosting" dahil ikaw mismo ang nagparanas nito. Yung makikita ko nalang na may bagong babae na sa story mo, sana naman ininform mo ko nang hindi naman ako umasa na meron pang ikaw sa buhay ko. Ganon nalang ba kadali na humanap ng bago? Diba sabi mo walang magbabago? Pero bakit nandiyan kana sa bago mo? Akala ko ba ang salitang walang magbabago ay yung pagmamahal mo pero nagulat nalang ako may bagong tao na pala sa buhay mo. Ngunit wala namang may magbabago kung ipipilit ko yung sarili ko na bumalik ulit sa buhay mo. Ayokong maghabol sa taong pinaniwala akong mahal ako pero bigla nalang din naglaho.

[joythatswhathecalledme]

Yakap! Masakit na yakap ang siyang nakuha ko nong mga panahong hindi ako ang pinili mo Nong mga panahong alam kong hindi ako pero pinilit ko. Nong mga panahong umasa ako kasi akala ko, akala ko, AKO. Yakap! Mahigpit na yakap ang pinadama mo bago mo sabihing ayaw mo. Ayaw mo sa mga yakap ko kasi hindi ako yung mahal mo. Yakap! Huling yakap bago mo bitiwan ang kamay ko kasi hindi talaga ako. Hindi ako yung pipiliin mo! huling yakap para sa paglaya mo mula sa pagkakulong sa pag-ibig na hindi mo gusto.

[joythatswhathecalledme]

If one day I can no longer keep my mouth shut, people will regret what they did. And I am not sorry for what cruel words I shed on someone's heart. No one can touch me or hurt me with their childish word. They will beg me for their apology but I will no longer be fooled by them. As I walk passed them with a confident face, a face that memorizes the formula of hiding the fear and tear. I might not be the strongest person that they know but I will someday.

[joythatswhathecalledme]

I really don't know why people hate you if you treat them like they treat you. You are just proving to me that you are one of the cruelest people who hunt someone at night in the middle of their dream. The person who likes to see the flaws of a person just for you to lift up your wings. I no longer believe that you can still change, because I know in my mind that you are still the monster of your selfishness and foolishness. If one day I bid goodbye to you with no regret that I act like a snob cat. I will just simply hate you from afar but didn't have a single regret. I am the one who will secretly hunt you 'til the end of the day. Forever will be just a word and I know like just forever you will continue to die inside.

[joythatswhathecalledme]

[joythatswhathecalledme]

While I am figuring out what's wrong with me because I felt lost these past few days, I didn't notice that I slowly losing the important people in my life. I am that bad for ignoring all of them while I am finding myself? Maybe, I really don't know what's going on with my life. I felt happiness for a minute but it takes a hundred hours to feel the loneliness of life.

[joythatswhathecalledme]

The mind is too clouded from overthinking about the things that we cannot control. I felt so lost nowadays. Cannot accept the things that I lost, because I try to figure out what's wrong with me.

[joythatswhathecalledme]

Why it is really hard to find happiness nowadays. Sometimes we thought we are fully recovering from the pain, hatred, and betrayal. Maybe I was wrong when I say to myself that I am okay. It hurt so much that the people we expect to help us are not there when we needed them the most. I can no longer say that I can heal myself anytime soon. I think those words that are written above are not connected with each other like what I am going through now. My mind is too clouded by the things that I keep overthinking. Things that I can't control. I hate myself for being the person I become.

[joythatswhathecalledme]

When will you realize that we slowly losing our bond as a family?

Everything seems so different now, from being so happy and strong bond with family it turned out full of a mess.

[joythatswhathecalledme]

You are both selfish.

You are both self-centered.

[joythatswhathecalledme]

Will everyone hate me if I wish you'll die?

Or they would understand. You never hurt me physically but you ruined us emotionally and mentally.

It is not healthy anymore.

I hope you'll die anytime soon.

ACKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

I HATE YOU.

[joythatswhathecalledme]

If one day I'll be gone without any words, I hope you'll understand. It really hurts me when the moment you choose the person I hate the most. It is still hard to understand what really happens to you and why you suddenly change. I used to admire you because you always know your priorities and you really love our family, but what happen? I don't know you anymore. You made me regret living this life. You made me regret being your child and I really don't like you anymore as a father. You made me feel this way.

[joythatswhathecalledme]

When are we going to tell other people what's going on inside our heads?

When are we going to ask for help?

When are we going to unleash the pain that holds inside our hearts?

When are we going to set ourselves from the grudge that we are holding for a long time? I really don't know when I can answer those questions. The pain that I have been holding on to is hard to forget. I still hate those people who cause me trauma with the things that they did. The memories that they left with those fights, endless arguments, curses, throwing and destroying things, blaming, and those hurtful words that mark my mind. It's really frustrating to experience it again and again. Always forgive but it still kept repeating, it is still useless to forgive that person. I REALLY HATE HIM. I am the worst person if I ask God to take his life already? But can they blame me? Every time they had a fight they kept shouting and shouting, kept destroying things in the middle of the night, do you think it is still healthy to stay in this kind of place where the people you used to call home became the hunted place that gives you trauma?