jozidatingchronicles-blog - Tumblr blog

[jozidatingchronicles-blog]

Chapter1- “ It’s rough out there.”

A classmate once told me how she prefers shopping here, as everything is clean order and you definitely won’t get a random “hello sexy” from a long lost lover. Chewing the pen in my hand, thinking about my so distant days as a “basic” chick, I look up and walking towards me is a timid girl who looks like she could do with a confidence makeover. Our eyes meet and she gives me the most beautiful smile…..and then her mouth opens and from that point on I wish it never did.

“You must be Sis Dudu” she starts “I have heard so much about you, I follow your work, I have been to very talk………….blah blah blah”. She went on for a good 15 minutes or so, telling me about all the impressions she had of me and my work. When I thought she is about to finally shut it, then she asked “how come you are dating coach and you are not married?”. I just smiled and asked her to take a seat.

This was a client who booked my time two weeks ago and sent a text every second day or so to check if we are ‘still on for next week’. I should have known that she was nervous wreck who could not keep her mouth shut. Meet Thabi, a divorced mother of one and a complete mess.

I took her through the drill, you know the client sheet you hand out on the first meeting that asks questions such as:

• Tell me about your family • Relationship history • Fighting style, which translates into how dramatic are you. • Etc, etc.

Anyway Thabi then with no hesitation went on to tell me her story, in the most morbid voice ever heard by man, and my poor ears sat right through this.

“Dear Sis Dudu, please don’t judge me, but I have something to confess. Maybe before I get to the confession part I need to tell you a little story. I am a recently divorced lovely, kind and caring mother of one. I got married in my mid 20’s and not in a million years did I ever think I will be single again and let alone single and confused. Sis Dudu what confuses me is the calibre of men out there; I don’t remember the dating world to be like this. It has become so hostile, like it’s the survival of the fittest and I don’t understand how some people have done this so long. To top it off you have these women who use their looks and devious charm to steal men from their loving partners. I used to dislike these shameless man eaters when I was married and I dislike them even more now that I am single. Sis Dudu you see my husband was a wonderful person until that bitch came and enticed my man. I see these bitches around all the time, all these girls with long weaves and a perfect twang. These man eating, home wrecking and no good pieces of nothing. Vultures I tell you!!!!!

These girls have no shame and they have certainly forgotten their place in the wife mistress hierarchy. I was the main madam and this bitch should have respected that. Yes I have gained a bit of weight but that’s because I have a child and wait until you have kids and you will understand what I am talking about. The other thing is she could afford to look sexy and slutty all day long because she did not have the kind of responsibilities that I had. I had to work, be a mother, a wife and still attend to my in-laws. So what if we had sex twice a month, I was his wife and he needed to understand this. I was shattered by my divorce; how could he walk out on me after 8 years of marriage? How can man leave me with a small child? I can never forgive him for this! I am now ready to find myself a good man that will take my child and I, and we can live happily ever after. But Sis Dudu this dating thing is just too much for me. I still ask HOW DO PEOPLE DO IT?

Sis Dudu, like I said that I might be chubby but I am still a nice person and these men seem to take advantage of me. Last year, just after my divorce I met a wonderful guy and to this day I still don’t understand why he disappeared. When we met, he made me feel like a queen, he was the first guy who told me I was beautiful after a very long time. He was better looking than my husband, and he was a hunk of note (I have very high standards as I only date good looking men), and he made me feel all beautiful again. Three weeks was enough with this man, he literally disappeared and stopped taking my calls. I was devastated as I’m such a kind and loving person how can a person do this to me. After I had given him everything a good woman could give, he walked out on me.

I got over that guy the minute I met Thabang a recently divorced father of two. His wife had left him for another man and it made perfect sense why he wanted to be with me. These young girls would have never understood his pain as they are too shallow. I would sometimes sneak out of my house after my son fell asleep and go spend the night at his house. He lived 30km away but I did not mind as I loved him and he was my man. He also soon lost interest and our relationship was history. There were 5 guys after him and all of them seem to fade away into thin air within a month or so.

So Sis Dudu that is my confession, I have slept with 7 guys in the space of one year and I am just wondering if this is normal. Why is a kind and loving person like me not able to find a decent partner? Am I the problem or they just do not make these men the same no more?”

((((Sigh))))). What else can one do after sitting through another pity party? There in front of me was another victim and another good woman who can’t seem to find a good man? I looked Thabi dead in her eyes and said “Thabi what you about to hear is not pretty, but I am not your friend and you paid good money for me to help you. Please understand that I do you no favours by sparing you the truth, because if its sympathy you seek, you might as well take back your money and go spend it over a drink with your best friend. What I am about to tell you is intended to make you aware of yourself, habits and how you chose to show up in life every

To be continued…..

[jozidatingchronicles-blog]

Chapter 1 continued....

"Ok now Thabi",as I take a deep breath " here is the deal..... I could see her cheeks swelling and her nose fairing’s had touched a nerve, and I anticipated that what might come next might not be pretty. Then I remembered a client telling me that Dating Coached are not meant to be nice, because if they were what could be the point. So I did what she paid me to do, continue to tell it as I see it.

"I don’t really feel sorry for you, so if it is sympathy you seek you might as well stop this session right about now. My opinion based on what you have just told me which is very simple; You slept with 7 guys not because these new age men are tricky, no my dear you slept with 7 guys because you wanted to. Now don’t get me wrong, I am not judging as the number of men you choose to sleep with is immaterial provided you still feel good about yourself after the 15 minutes of passionate love making is over.

You complain about the calibre of men out there, and that is simply because you don’t want to re-invent yourself. Look around you, change is the only constant So yes the dating scene has changed, and so have the rules therefore get over it. Learn to play the game.

1. You must be a marketer and a bad one as a matter of opinion. Throughout the entire time you kept telling me about how kind and caring you are. If you are really that amazing surely you need not convince anyone. Is this what you told all those 7 guys, that “Oh I am such a caring person; I will really be kind and take care of you”? You are very lucky those men stayed longer than a week, if you had run across the characters I know two days would have been enough. Your sales pitch is written desperate and hopeless, is screams a low self-esteem.

2. You see my dear people need to discover that you are kind, caring etc. on their own. Treat yourself like a high value good so that by the time people come to you they need no convincing. You need to position yourself as a unique individual that has so much to offer to a man that is worthy of your time. Be the love you seek. If you are still looking for a man who is going to do and say all the things your ex-husband never did, your miss rate is going to double this year.

And one other thing, you gave men you barely knew for more than a month your all, jeez…………….#Iamnotjudging………………

3. You complain about the caliber of men out there, and that is simply because you don’t want to re-invent yourself. Look around you, change is the only constant So yes the dating scene has changed, and so have the rules therefore get over it. Learn to play the game.

4. No one steals a man that does not want to be stolen."

And then I saw tears running down her face. I paused and asked her if she wanted me to continue or she wanted her money back. There was a deafening moment of silence for a minute or so, and then she looked up and said “continue, I need to hear this and all of it, don’t mince your words. My tears will dry but your wise words will stay”

I have been told I am blunt and harsh, and maybe there might be truth to that. I adjusted by body language is such a way that is demonstrated that “I am trying to help” rather than “I am trying to hurt you”, cleared my throat and continued…..

Do you have issues with beauty? What’s wrong with being good looking and why do you have to put good looking women down? You go after good looking men because you believe that you lack beauty and therefore you seek a partner who is going to compensate for this. So having said so, don’t you think at times you put these men on a pedestal as you don’t regard yourself as worthy of their attention?

Loving someone has nothing to do with them, it had everything to do with how you feel about yourself. Meaning if you are not OK inside, you will always choose partners who will possess all those qualities that remind you of your own insecurities. If you really don’t feel that beautiful join the gym. My dear, you have to become what you seek. If you seek a decent man you need to be a decent person. Bed hoping is obviously not decent according to your values and trusts me, you are not going to meet decent men if you carry on doing so. …. “Mam is she ok” some concerned stranger inquires, and Thabi nods her head like a five year old in trouble to indicate so,

[jozidatingchronicles-blog]

Chapter 2- “living the life, am I ?”

Meanwhile not so far away Uno had a different set of problems. Maybe she had no desire to sleep with seven different men, but she wished she could sleep next to one man tonight. And not just any man, but the man she calls her boyfriend. She had not heard from Raymond in over four days, and whilst logic would say she should worry, her intuition is telling her that dude is just fine, so fine that he might be in the arm of another. There is no activity on his Facebook wall, so he is not dead, at least that she knows.

“Why am I with this dude. Unobuntu why are you with dude?”. She catches a glance of her Channel pumps across the room and she then remembers that she had to blow up her credit card just to get a pair of those. “Why do I even own those stupid shoes, Unobuntu what do you do the dumb stuff that you do?” And then her phone beeps and she rushes to pull it under a pile of clothes (she left it out of sight at she did not want to be tempted to call that man”, and soon as she reads the text she throws herself on her bed and screams “why must it be Charlotte texting me, God why can’t it be Raymond?” She slowly climbs off her bed, kneels on the floor and wails.

Uno short for Unobuntu has had a plan since birth. She was to build her career in her 20’s, meet Mr. Right at the investment circles she frequents, get married and move into a perfect house in Sandhurst or Hydepark if they have no kids. But life has not turned out quite that way. Instead she is busy chasing after a man who barely acknowledges her and this has turned her a joke amongst her friends. According to Uno, at 33 she should be engaged and driving his Porsche. “Porsche Dololo” she snaps as she proceeds to read her text. It’s a voice note, great she thinks, as Charlotte can go on for days. “Girlfriend” Charlotte was raised in the US “ I just spoke to my girl Thabi, you know the one who just went through a divorce…well not just its been a year and half but she still goes on like it happened last night…but anyway….wait wait….Its Sfiso,,, girl I need to take this call”. Yes…. that is my friend Charlotte, dating that loser called Sfiso. Just the mention of his name makes me want to grind my tits.

[jozidatingchronicles-blog]

Chapter 3- “It takes a fool to learn……“

“Charlotte where the #uck are you, it’s raining out here”, Charlotte could hear Sfiso screaming from the other end of the line. Sfiso is the most impatient person I know, and he needs to be at his house in the next two hours. The rain is not helping either and Joburg drivers seem to lose their senses when they see a drop of rain. “No I came first, I am in a hurry too…..sorry not you babes, this dude in the car next to me wants to slide in”, Charlotte explains in total agitation. Finally, she makes it to Parktown where Sfiso works. You see Sfiso’ s car broke down  just before he met Charlotte  and because he had to finish paying unreasonable high medical bills for an operation his son has had to undergo, he is not in a position to fix it as yet. Sfiso is an administrator at an insurance company, and that’s how him and Charlotte met. Charlotte a medical doctor, was enquiring about a client’s bill and Sfiso was the one attending to the query at that time. They struck up a friendship and Charlotte for exactly one month got to experience the kind of love only written about in novels. Sfiso was attentive, considerate and way much more mild tempered than he is now. Charlotte is not sure what changed; maybe it’s her crazy shifts, maybe she does not cook enough for him, or maybe his baby mama is stressing him.

((((((Bang))))), “Hello Charlotte I don’t have forever”. That hurts Charlotte thinks, but says nothing in return in fear of upsetting him. “I really don’t want to sleep alone, not when the weather is like this “she expresses this quietly in herself. Charlotte is tired, the trip from Thembisa hospital to Parktown in this rain was not what she was looking forward to after the day she had. She sometimes she thinks Sfiso is really taking her for granted, but again he is really a great guy who is just going through a bad patch. Before she is even done with that thought Tshepiso’s voice jumps into her heard….. “going through a rough patch for the last bloody 6 months, that dude is so NOT into you Charlotte, he is just using you. Look at you friend, a doctor, a whole medical doctor and you are letting some small time admin who can barely afford medical aid play you for a fool. I mean hello Charlotte, why the hell does he have medical bills if he works for a medical aid company. He is temp I tell you, you need to raise your standard”. Finally, they arrive at his place in Midrand, “I can’t believe I spend some night at this place, if my mother would find out I swear she would disown me”, Charlotte mumbles to herself. “Shit” Sfiso stops dead in his tracks, “Charlotte don’t get out of the car, just go home I will explain later”. Charlotte looks up and sees a woman wobble out of a Toyota Tazz to open the door for some little person at the back. The boy jumps out of the car a screams “Daddy, the baby moved again today, ask mommy, I felt him move”.

Charlotte has never had a heart attack before, but she is a doctor right, and when she thinks what she is experiencing is a heart attack then it should be. “Cough Charlotte cough, breathe Charlotte breathe” ………..

[jozidatingchronicles-blog]

Chapter 4- “Taken for a joy ride……”

“Here, some tissue, so girl what did you do” Tshepi inquires? Charlotte blows her nose whilst Uno checks her phone for the 100th time. “Uno, right now it’s about me, forget Raymond for a while” Charlotte snaps. “Where was I, oh I got out of the car after I realised I was not dying and focused all my attention on this wobbly round creature that was approaching me. I asked this woman if she was pregnant and a screaming match started. To cut a long story short it turns out dude never had a car, his son was never ill, and he had just recently paid lobola for this girl with the R20k I learnt him”

Uno threw up and no I am not exaggerating, she threw all that expensive champagne she just drank up. Uno says champagne is her drink of preference and hence she can’t date broke men. “Wait up, no someone call Jesus……YOU DID WHAT? For the who, who does that. I give up on you Charlotte” and Uno claps her hands like one of those ladies in Nigerian movies and heads for the balcony. As for Tshepi she was rolling on the floor with laughter, and Thabi just sat there looking at me dumb struck. Thabi is her sweetest voice went like “friend I know I am basic, but even I would not do messed up stuff like that”. “Surprise”, storms in Akha-Thina.” Wait why are you crying and why is she laughing, and for the record I am not here to attend your stupid little pity party I am just here for the champagne. Botega, even better I hope you still have more”. Meet Akha Ngwenya, daughter of a banker father and Nobel prize awardee. Akha never has problems, except for when she has to pick out an outfit. Her mom’s younger cousin sister is Dear Sis Dudu, so Akha was born with game. She calls us basic, except for Tshepi whom she refers to as a straight up gold digger. She once burst out laughing when some girls we know invited us to a night vigil to help a friend pray for a husband. From that day on I knew I wanted her confidence and I wanted to be her friend. Akha is never moved or impressed, someone actually once called her an acquired taste something which is not far off from the truth.

“You know what, I know I am the last to speak since the dude I call my boyfriend is busy screwing half of South Africa, but Charlotte maybe you and I need to follow in Thabi’s footsteps and go pay Dsd a visit. Whooo bofitwa bo so, this can’t be life” and as Uno is about to finish her statement and  Akha storms into the room again and asks. But not just asks, you know when the self-righteous Suzy from the office whose Dad is an Exec asks for project update that she thinks she never got in a condescending tone, you know that tone, that I don’t have 3rd world problems tone. Akha can be like that sometimes. “So let me get this right, this is the dude who does not have a car and has a not so good looking baby mama.So he thinks he can just play him like that. Girl you see why a man with a degree and who dates other women who have degrees is a must?” Yes Akha is a snob, and I am basic.

[jozidatingchronicles-blog]

Chapter 5- “Punching above his league.”

((((((beep))))) Text (Mpho): Can I still call you my wife? Response: Maybe if, if you learn how to greet. Text (Mpho): I will be SA next Tuesday, dinner? Response: Tuesday is out, I have a board meeting that runs till 9pm, Wednesday or Friday. Text (Mpho): Loving your Job? Response: BRB Text (Mpho): Who still says that in 2016?

Maybe I should pass by Zara after work and buy a new dress, something simple. I must not look like I am trying too hard. The Jo Malome scent as I run my bath is always carried all the way to Funso’s apartment or at least he claims. Funso the dude who pretends not to have a crush, but actually does. ((((((beep)))) Text Funso: So what will you be wearing today, Manolo Blanihk. The blue or pink pair? Response: Stalking is a crime Text Funso: Only if the stalkee is ugly. Unfortunately, the judge will understand my plea as fine girl like you needs someone to look out for her. Response:  If only this guy knew he is wasting his time. I l glance over my iPad and realise Its only Wednesday: jeez can 2016 come to an end. I stare at my wardrobe for a second trying to determine if the people I am meeting with today are worth dressing up for. You can’t waste a good outfit on “randoms “, at least that’s what Tshepi would say. (((((vibrate)))) I look back over my shoulder to see who is calling. Someone needs to tell Funso he is punching way above his league, because I am not about to take interest in him in this lifetime or the next. But shame, he is an investment banker, they often over estimate their abilities. It’s time to take a bath, it’s time to go think about Mpho, my marriage, and my mom’s advice.

[jozidatingchronicles-blog]

Chapter 6- “Ben 10′s and Politicians.”

You need a real woman in your life That's a good look Taking care, home is still fly That's a good look I'm gonna help you build up your account Thats a good look……. “Wait, I am helping no man build up his account. Thank you Beyoncé” and just like that Beyoncé is swopped for Christina Perry……a 1000 years. Tshepi has not stopped thinking about Kagiso since the last kiss. Then it dawns on her that he drives a vrrrpha, and is she lowering her standards, she panics? Kagiso’ s justification for driving that silly car is that he believes it’s an engineering beauty, and he really loves the VW brand. Kagiso runs his own gig and lives between Joburg and Cape Town. He is so ghetto, it’s hard to believe he went to Stanford. He has that bad boy ghetto look going on, and can switch from being thug looking to sounding like a complete snob. That makes Tshepiso believe that he is real catch except for one thing, this dude is 3 years younger than her. 9 hours later……………. “Guess which Random I bumped into today” interrupts Tshepi in irritation……” I bet his name is not Funso who thinks just because some South African girls overate West African men, that he Funso-what what is God’s blessing to all women. So no, I can’t after that terrible encounter imagine it getting worse” Akha responds. “It does get worse unfortunately. Sipho the blesser looking politician” Tshepi proceeds with her story. An ewwwww is heard somewhere in the background as Uno sits down. “Will that distant past ever leave me alone, especially now that Kagiso…” Uno and Akha both look at her in curiosity and reposition themselves. Right there and then, Tshepi realised she should have kept her big mouth shut. “Finally you are giving the poor dude a chance. Hallelujah, what happened did the Holy Spirit finally show you the light? And does he still drive a vrrrpha?” Akha voices her opinion in relief.

Uno: “What the hell is vrrpha?’” Akha: “It a panty dropper, that Golf what what car” Uno: “A panty what?” Tshepi: “Uno you need to get out of that time capsule and come back to earth, South Africa in particular, as Melrose Arch is not South Africa” Uno: “But really what is a vrrpha” Akha: “A Golf 7 or 6 GTI, I lived overseas for 5 years and I even know that”. Uno: “Ya, maybe South African black men return calls” Tshepi: “Since when are white boys f#ck boys, aren’t they meant to be ideal men? Raymond is bewitched I tell you” Akha: “Mpho wants to have dinner next week” Uno: “Who the hell is Mpho, or is this the time I take a rocket back to earth” …..she looks at Tshepi completely puzzled. Tshepi: “Drop the act Uno, she knows you know” Uno: “Finally jeez I could not pretend any more, and you need to start the story from scratch, remember I joined this crew late……wait guys I can’t anymore “as she stares at her phone “Does anyone know a Sangoma that can help Charlotte, Ngidikiwe strueeeeee”

Every one drops their heads to read Charlotte’s text {I CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT SFISO, DOES BEING A SIDECHICK WORK} Tshepi: “Charlotte otla ema, one problem at a time” The waiter comes around and Akha orders port wine.

[jozidatingchronicles-blog]

Chapter 7- “The sum of all my choices.”

It feels so odd to wake up to an empty apartment. By now my son would either be playing in my room or going on about how hungry he is. This is a first time in months that I can sleep in, and it’s just an odd feeling as I have no idea what to do with myself. I finally agreed to let my ex take him for the weekend, after months and months of pointless squabbles. To be honest I was just being a dramatic baby mama, as allowed my feelings to get in the way of my parenting responsibilities. Dear Sis Dudu indicated to me that my consumption with my exes every move, and trying to prove meaningless points to him was seeing me neglect my parenting duties. She also said something that changed my outlook on this tri-parenting thing forever, I still remember her words to this day: “Do you mean to tell me that you don’t think you too might be a step-mom one day? So you have issues with your ex exposing your son to his new wife, citing that you have fears? What does this say about you, so do you mean you suspect of others which you know that you are capable of? The evils you fear she might do, only a person capable of doing so will suspect that of another?  Thus is fair to assume that you will be an evil step-mother because you expect that or others?”

Dudu gave me some homework, I need to ask myself some tough questions, and I need to face some nasty truths about myself. I slowly make it downstairs, swing open my laptop and start journaling. ‘One of the things the world is very bad at, is being frank with a jaded woman. We would rather resort to name calling, organising conventions to talk about how men are not stepping up and writing books about our sour experiences and honesty is always our last resort. This in my opinion is one of the things that are hindering the progression of women, as we often paint ourselves as victims and not as active participants in our romantic misfortunes. Every woman on this planet can find herself in the position where she has to deal with an absent lover, an abusive lover or a serial cheater and so on. But why is it that some women are more unfortunate than others, why is it that some women can overcome abuse and some see the abuse to their grave? Is it the way we are raised, is it culture, conditioning or just plain genetics? One might argue it a combination of these or others might argue it’s a matter of choice. I will admit it’s not as simple as saying that it solely the individual’s choice to subject themselves to such dire conditions, but and a huge BUT, let us not downplay the idea that most of the things one allows into their experience is because of a series of choices that they have made. If you read material pertaining to “consciousness” you will quickly realise that the core message is that your life is a reflection of your thoughts, and that thoughts become habits and habits become patterns in your life. I see it something like this: “The survival of human beings is dependent on their quality of choices and the ability to reflect on the choices made”.

Therefore, women who constantly find themselves in dysfunctional relationships, or with dysfunctional partners need to take a step back and question the quality of their choices. They need to realise that whatever they seek is already within them. They say when you love yourself, the world will start loving you back. You ultimately are what you attract. We are always one decision away from a great life, and it is time we scrutinised the choices we have made and continue to make to determine if they will lead us to the desired destination. Let’s stop teaching our daughters that a woman’s life is as good as the man she ends up with or not, and teach our daughters that a woman’s life is as good as the path she chooses regardless whether there is a man in the picture or not.’ (((((beep)))) Uno: “Want to take up fencing, come lets go, Dear Sis Dudu said we need a hobby?” Uno and her white people’s things.

[jozidatingchronicles-blog]

Chapter 8- “Broken Vows.”

I look at the clock across the meeting room and both hands are on the number 3. What a piece of art this huge time piece is, there something of a colonial feel about this room and this modern piece of art mounted in the centre of the room seem particularly odd. I am tied, I have been running around preparing for the last board meeting for the year, and I just want this week to come to an end. My job is demanding and sometimes stressful, but I would rather do this than jet set around the world with a man. My work gives me a sense of achievement, something that was lacking when I was a house wife.

My mind starts wandering off. I start thinking about tonight, my outfit, the dreaded discussion, the unresolved issues and my anger. I can feel the tears rushing to my eyes, I can still remember that dumb #itch text, something about how we need to talk about our man. I don’t remember taking my vows and uttering words such as in sickness and in cheating, but for some strange reason something tells me this girl was always there.

“I am off to Phuket in two weeks, do you want to also take some time out as the next 3 months will be crunch time based on some of the decisions taken by the board today” asks Justin. I decided to shadow a very driven and very smart man, and since he is mandated to come turn around the company, everyday working for him is pretty much exciting. A break, maybe he has a point. I have buried myself in my work for the last 10 months, and this strategy work has been a good distraction but now it’s time I deal with my issues.

“Hmmm where are you off to, you look very nice” says my sister in passing. I think it’s time for me to move out, I am in a way better emotional state than I was 12 months ago. I would hate to have to have play hide and seek around her, and I think that’s why I am a bit hesitant to meet up with my husband, after taking my family through all that drama. There is something about the little black dress, and as I look at my reflection in the mirror the only colour I have on is the red peeking from the soles of my shoes. I am not wearing matching underwear on purpose, so that am never tempted to take off my clothes. “Your uber is here” shouts Kwande from downstairs

[jozidatingchronicles-blog]

Chapter 9- “Boiling Point.”

Mpho: “Akha, I am not only here to ask about your work, I am happy you are doing well, but I am also here to get my wife back.” Akha: “Wife, really, that’s not how you treated me at the end, so wife, maybe house mate but I can’t resonate with the word wife” Mpho: “Akha I am sorry, and I don’t expect you to forgive me over night, but please hear me out, I won’t fly for 15 hours to come get myself a roommate. I chose you, I want you, and that’s why I am here” Akha: “Mpho you flew some random girl to the states periodically for a whole year behind my back, and I suspect your history spans longer than that. Anyway you did that……” Mpho: “Akha let’s not rehash the details, I am sorry…….” Akha: “DO NOT interrupt me….” Mpho : “ You are making a scene…… calm down”

I pause, readjust my body, lean in and stare this man dead in the eye. Akha: “I do not give a dam who is looking at me right now, but you know what I care about, is that you made a fool out me. You came into my parents’ house, asked for my hand in marriage, dragged me to the other side of the world, asked me to slow down my career for us, asked me to give you some time to build some wealth before we had our babies only for you to cheat on me with a girl who barely knows what classroom is and has built her entire life booting other women out. And then you tell me to calm down. No I can’t be calm, not after you humiliated me in front of my friends and family. DONT YOU EVER ASK ME TO BE CALM ABOUT THIS”

Mpho: “Akha she meant nothing, I was stupid, I acted immature, I now know what I want and I just want my wife back. What do I need to do to make things right, please I am begging you, it’s been a year”? And tears start streaming down his face. My husband is human after all, a side of him I have never seen.

I am stuck, we are stuck again. How can I forgive this man, after all that he took me through? I am angry at the fact that he cheated, I am angry at the fact that I put my dreams on hold to follow this man. I am angry at the fact that the girl he cheated with looks like she barely combs her hair and has the biggest schnozzle in town. He Facebook pictures look pathetic, everything about her is so wrong on many levels, how the #uck was this man going to show up with this woman at important work events. How would he introduce her? Like “Hi this is my wife, I know she looks like a maid, but actually I’ve lost my mind and married her anyway”. After than mini tantrum that I have just thrown in my head, Mpho is still sitting there staring at me with red eyes, he is obviously waiting for an answer. Akha: “I am going away for a while with my friends, I will use that time to think….” Mpho: “Where….name the country and my pilot with take you wherever you please?” Akha: “Maybe party in VI for a few days and go recover in Zanzibar” Mpho: “Call my PA, she will make it happen and tell her to use my personal card” Akha: “Mpho your money is not………”

Someone behind me  clears their throat…. Tshepi: “Sorry Mpho, I was just in the neighbourhood and overheard the last part. You see my friend over hear might not be a shameless gold-digger, but I on the other hand have never been on a private jet and I need a holiday. So thank you we accept, it’s all 5 of us and we will so take the offer” Then she grabbed my bag, snapped her fingers and …. Tshepi: “You see why you need me in your life. So before you go on and say dumb ishhhh, get up let’s go, we have a holiday to go plan for” As we about to walk off Tshepi turns…. “ Mpho, I assume we will be getting the black card too. Thank you bye”.

[jozidatingchronicles-blog]

Chapter 10- “Daddy Issues”

Retha manages to stuff in one more biscuit before she asks, “How do some girls do it, snap their fingers and things get done. Tshepi aren’t you afraid to ask men for stuff. How do you do it with so much ease?”

Tshepi: “ Retha, you nice innocent thing, no wonder you always finish last. You see the problem with good girls like you is you are too nice, too caring, too considerate. You put everyone 1st and forget all about you needs. My mother was bi-polar, but really bad bi-polar. I had to look after her almost my entire childhood. My mom gave up on life, and my life became all about making her happy. Nothing could make my mom happy, not even chocolate cake, I mean who is unhappy after eating chocolate cake? Anyway, one day I decided enough was enough and ran off to come live with my dad. My step mom is the most loving woman I know. She taught me its ok to put myself first, I did not need to earn her love. She liked me for who I was. She taught me just because someone does not see your worth does not mean you are not worthy”

Charlotte: “Ok so what does this have to do with you being a gold digger?” Tshepi: “Nothing, but aren’t you glad I finally shared my life story, I know you were all dying to ask. Anyway Charlotte what the deal with you, why is a whole doctor mang mang busy chasing after losers, I bet you have daddy issues” Uno: “TSHEPI!!!!!!!” Tshepi: “Someone had to ask her, I mean we are all tired of her Sfiso story, and this is not the first loser she dates.”

Akha swings her chair away from the laptop and shouts “Done, we are staying at the Radisson in Lagos, we will be in Zanzibar 4 days later. And he gave us R100k spending money.” The TV volume goes up and everyone begins to dance. My father, where is he, does he care, who is he………as Charlotte ponders.

[jozidatingchronicles-blog]

Chapter 11- “Oops, they were just fooling around.“

Charlotte was forwarded this mail by her mom a month ago, and the judging from the title she knew it was something she did not want to attend to immediately. Her mom is a retired diplomat who now lives with her husband of 10 years in Geneva. It was odd getting a new step dad at 25, I mean what should she call Alexander accept for Alex? Calling him dad would be way to weird, even though he refers to her as his daughter.

Charlotte from time to time admits that it feels great to have a man acknowledge her as his daughter, something she never had growing up. It was just always her and her mom, and then later on Alex. She cried when he rocked up at her graduation, finally a man who is proud of her and is proud to show her off.

“I guess Tshepi is right Retha” mumbles Charlotte “for the longest time, and maybe even now I have always wanted a man, some man, to be proud to show me off. I guess that’s why I chase after unavailable men in effort to prove that it is not me that they are rejecting. I chase after these men because I think that if I love harder, work harder, call more, talk more, and cook more they won’t reject me like my father did”. Charlotte has only met her dad twice, once at birth and the other time when she was 10. A married polish man who fooled around with his mom on a work assignment and could never be able to tell his wife and family the shame he brought to his family by making a black woman pregnant.

“Maybe Charlotte its time you read that mail from your brother, I mean he took all that effort to find you. He is not your dad you know; you can’t punish him for your dad’s sins” pleas Retha as she hands over the tissue. “My dad never really left, my mom kept him from us and when we were teens her and my gran poisoned our minds. Its only 5 years ago when I realised I lost out on 28 years of my life without a father. I barely know my siblings, I lost out on an amazing life because of my mother’s bitterness. I married a man whom I expected to play a father role instead of a husband role. That was way too much pressure to put on a person. When he could not live up to my expectations I spoke ill of him like my mom did of my dad, and look at me now. Don’t be like me, reach out too.”

Charlotte can’t hold back the tears as she proceeds to read the mail:

‘Dear Charlotte, this is Aldona Nowak, your brother. My aunt and I are your only living relatives and we have been trying to find you for the last 5 years. My dad has left you an inheritance and a letter attached to this mail, but that is only part of the reason I reached out. I would like to meet you, both my aunt and I if that is ok with you. Below are the details of the banker who is handling our father’s estate, please send him a mail when you are ready. I would like to meet my sister my dad told me about.’ Another man who is proud to be associated with charlotte, at the end the note Charlotte wept like no other.

[jozidatingchronicles-blog]

Chapter 12- “When a man wants you, it wont be complicated.“

Kagiso: “Why do you have to be so darn difficult,  I am not asking you to have my baby I am asking you to get dressed on go out with me”

Tshepi : “ You said 6, and 6 dololo, how do I know your option one bailed out on you?”

Kagiso : “ You have gone mad and you listen to too much of this Dear Sis Dudu person. Listen here Tshepi, my battery died, I had to attend to a work emergency. Now I am coming to pick you up weather you like it or not”

Tshepi: “And I am supposed to buy your story”

Kagiso : “ Listen here Tshepi, I am not trying to be your #ucken side nigger, I am all about being your man. You know what your problem is, you are too dam scared to fall in love , and you think every other dude is going to disorientate you like your ex politician dude did. I know about that dude and I don’t give a dam. Like you know about my history and I am asking you to forget that guy, I am no longer that guy. I know what I want and I want you.”

And then then was heavy breathing and a moment of silence after that screaming match….

Kagiso: “Now I am outside, and you have 20 mins to pack a weekend bag, get out of your dam house, get into this dam car, we will catch that dam 10pm flight, and go #uck and be merry in Cape Town this weekend. I am counting you have 20” Sometime later…….

(((((((beep)))))

Akha: So you are going to shag him, hmmmm finally someone whose tune you dance to. Tshepi: You know I have shagged him before right? Akha: You whore Tshepi: I love you too, later Akha: Wait …..so you have a boyfriend …..There is a God after all.

[jozidatingchronicles-blog]

Chapter 13- “When your boyfriend decides to be someone else’s husband”

“How does it feel like to live this life, and why would you walk away from it?” asked Retha as she was reclining her seat getting comfortable for the smooth flight from Johannesburg to Lagos. She took a peak outside her window , she felt completely at peace high up in the sky. She had never imaged she will one day be in a private jet, as girls like her don’t really get to experience such. Tshepi was already high on champagne, with a copy of Vogue magazine in her had. She was in her element; I don’t think anything could depress her at this point.

Akha: “But he cheated, not once, but probably a million times with this girl. How does one stomach that?”

Charlotte: “At least he did not ask you for money to go spend on her, I would just be grateful for that”

Retha: “ Yeah but he is a ……how much is that man really worth? Anyway, it’s not like you were sad and poor, but on the real how does it feel to be a kept woman?”

Akha walked towards me wearing her lazy day cotton pants that sit so well on her. She has this mysterious quality about her, everything about her is so effortless, in a truly sartorial league of her own. She handed me over a glass of champagne and started explaining:

“Honestly by the time 6 months was up, I absolutely hated the idea of waiting for a man to come home to me. I felt that as if I had no value to this world, as if I was wasting my talents trying to keep a perfect home. I could not relate to the gym mommies and the Botox queens. I went and did my MBA at Harvard to keep busy, but there was still something missing.

I loved the learning experience, but I could never totally relate to my classmates. There is something about doing something because you want to as opposed to doing something as a means to an end. Most of them were also there to impress in hopes to be spotted for high paying corporate gigs. Their MBA was means to attaining a certain lifestyle, a way to elevate their status. I was there for completely different reasons. You make bolder decisions when your next meal does not depend on it.

I hated the pretentiousness that is a glaring reality in most of these “up-market” circles. People live beyond their means, it’s always about sizing you us and people just want to be close you for all the fickle reasons. I got bored of the shopping and the boredom almost turned me into a micro manager in my own home. Even if I had kids I think I would still have hated it, I am the type of person who needs a sense of accomplishment.”

Charlotte: “Uno you have been awfully quiet, what wrong?”

Uno: “My Facebook just asked me to congratulate Raymond on his engagement to a white girl.”

[jozidatingchronicles-blog]

Chapter 14- “Fine babes in Lagos“

I have always been a nervous flyer, and I particularly hate landings. “This is a first” blurts Tshepi as she gets a side eye from me. Protocol and the drivers were already waiting for us right outside the plane door. Yes, you heard me right, not on the other side of the immigration counter but right outside the door of this Dassault Falcon 8X craft. “Code please” asks Akha and the man in the blue suit utters some words and numbers. Akha receives a text shortly and she turns back to look at us “Ok confirmed these are our guys”.

Last time I checked Akha was married to no president or head of state, so what is this code business for? Lagos is humid, sticky, bloody hot and Murtala Muhammed International Airport is not exactly OR Tambo, but I chose to keep my opinion to myself. “Madams could you please listen to me carefully” and everyone’s stops to lend the lead security dude an ear. “I will handle everything from here, can I please have your passports. Please remember don’t stop for anyone unless I ask you to, and don’t let anyone search your bags unless I have given you the ok. Do as I say and you will out of here in 30 mins. As opposed to how long, I try to figure in my head. As much as Uno can be a total snob who has white people tendencies, she has travelled this continent extensively. We never thought she would enjoy never mind you last in her current role as a banker working for the Rest of Africa leg of her organisation. But she seems to be thoroughly enjoying it. She then shares some of her experiences in landing in Lagos, and why things such as protocol make a huge difference. Uno shares that Lagos has the busiest airport in the country and everyday myriads of travellers are seen flocking in and out. Most of these travellers usually do not wear pleasant smiles on their faces as they have to endure endless tipping to ensure they get a smooth travelling experience. “They will stop you and search your bag for no good reason, taking their own dam time asking you silly questions just to frustrate you until you give them a number” explains Uno “but regardless, there is no place like Lagos in Africa, I call it the New York of Africa as you can just feel the energy of this place the minute you set foot on their soil”

I look at the immigrations queue, and I am so glad we are treated like VVIPs.  Wait how come there are 4 other guys holding a board with Akha’s name on it, I am confused what’s going on? “This is why there is a code Charlotte, strange things happen in these foreign lands” laughs Akha. We get into the two Range Rovers organised for us, and the drivers whisks us away to our upmarket apartment in Banana island. There are yellow tuks tuks everywhere, SUVs and these small taxi looking like things keep missing each other……how on earth do people drive around here? Finally, we arrive at Banana island, and I don’t see even one Banana tree. When I first heard we are coming here, I thought we were going to another piece of land detached from Victoria Island and we would need a boat to go across, another blonde moment from me, or maybe I am behaving like an ignorant South African.

Uno plonks herself on the couch, and announces “To hell with Raymond, may the Doom forces be with him, I am going to call all my Niaja Oga’s and Big boys and I am going to paint VI red.” “Careful they don’t mistake you for a prostitute, like some of these SA girls who fly in for a weekend to entertain their blessers ……are they called toasters this side, I forget but something like that” warns Akha.

[jozidatingchronicles-blog]

Chapter 15- “A matter of fate”

I am so glad I am not back home during this “ke December boss “time, as I can be so bad with money sometimes. I have tried over the past couple of months tried applying @Samke advise which is not to spend “warm geld” or hot money. I now let money simmer in my bank account for a week or two before I touch its Sam, a personal money guru and advisor would say, you have a true reflection of what is actually left in your bank account only after the debit orders have run. We going off to the market today, something I have been looking for since we got here. The girls are already high on champagne since for the trip champagne is the drink of preference. Our driver will be here in no time and I look out the window to see if he has arrived I catch Thabi staring at her phone smiling’s has been very cagy these days, I get the feeling she might have met someone. The market is a blend of all sorts of scents and sound, from the market woman selling some sort of dried fish in the corner, to the man calling at passers-by to come check out his meat stall. The smell of the strong spices in unmissable and often we had to walk to the not so crammed parts of the market to catch some fresh air. There are so many people here and plus the fact that is hot and humid is not helping. Strange enough everyone goes on with their business and there seems to be a system that works.

“Some vendors here can bank up to $5000 a day, and when I say bank I mean take the money back home to store under their mattress” points Uno to some lady who clearly seem to be selling the best jollof rice in town, as her queues are so long. “Opps” as I bump into a stranger, and I look up to see this dark berry looking like man staring a me with the biggest smile ever. Man: “Sorry man, did I hurt you” Great I think to myself, another West African man with an American accent. Do they like bulk manufacture them? Man: “Ola-Tunde “he extends his hand to greet me “What are you South African sounding ladies doing here?”

I still look at him startled, jeez this specimen can be so handsome. Tshepi: “This is my friend Charlotte, excuse her but I think the palm wine got to her heard, and I am Tshepi this is ……..where is Thabi?” Man: “The 5th girl I assume that you may be referring to, right there is that dingy corner taking a call. Anyway Charlotte and friends, I am hosting a something something at my place tomorrow, come through and be merry. Here is my phone, let me have your digits” Tshepi: “Yes let me handle that for you, here you go, I have given her SA number too, she is available on WhatsApp on that one. And her email is included too” Man: “Ok, hope to see you ladies tomorrow, bye Charlotte” As the man walks off Akha turns to look at Charlotte “After all those endless consultations with Dear Sis Dudu, you still act like a tongue tied teen”

[jozidatingchronicles-blog]

Chapter 16- “ When starts collide”

There is something strange about Lagos, as much as parts of the city might seem relatively underdeveloped, there are really some pretty impressive properties in VI. Tunde is hosting a dinner at his residence in Ekoyi, and what an amazing mansion.The technology in this house is of another world, I literally feel like I have left earth, I am already intimidated by the text verifying my entry and details that’s has just been sent to me.

“Charlotte” is the warm welcome I get as I enter Tunde’s house. He gives the tightest hugs ever……. it’s as if he wants to suffocate the life out of me. He then proceeds to greet the rest of crew and gives them all a warm handshake. “Clearly this guy likes you “whispers Akha as her voice disappears to the sound of Black Coffee’s track playing in the background. The chandeliers and high walls in this house are amazing and I bet if we were never colonised this is how African dynasty will live as the luxury in this place is indescribable. And it’s not that western colonial feel kind of luxury, it modern luxury where one would feel like they came here to audition for the Occupy Mars project. “So he is a rocket scientist, hmmm interesting” as Tshepi examines one of the pictures on the wall. “No actually I started a company that builds rockets and satellites and other spaceship thingamabobs” “Brag”…..oh no did I just say that out loud, where did that come from? “And you Charlotte, a doctor who is about to be a Neuro Surgeon, interesting” replies Tunde.” Hmmm he can use google, what an advanced being this is” I flirt back. Wait Dear Sis Dudu said be witty, charming and brief and I quickly look for something else to do. I then spot a varsity friend of mine and  trust her to be found in such circles as she has always been a pathetic social climber. You know those girls who would completely mould themselves to be whatever just to fit in. “Excuse me, I think I know that girl” and a quickly make my way out of the circle to greet her. “Charllote” goes Amanda looking at me completely startled. “What are you doing here?” she inquires. “Unfortunately I am not the help, but look at you, you look amazing as usual”. Amanda is standing next to this big, round and blesser like looking old man, and it takes no rocket scientist to figure out what going on. I then feel someone gently tug my hand “Charlotte, come grab some food with me” Tunde asks.

It’s a star filled sky tonight, and it seems like even mother nature is in on this. We are standing on the balcony furthest away from the crowd and Tunde smells soooooo good. Lord please over power my basic urges as I am about to grab and kiss this man. Tunde proceed to tell me his life story on how his grandfather stumbled upon an oil well when he was a young man of 20 and proceeded to build the family wealth with just a shovel and barrel.  His dad had always been into electronics and by the time Tunde was 15years old he had built his first robot that could take simple instructions. Upon his return after a 5 year term at NASA (he studied Aerospace Engineering) his Grandfather gave him $500m to go play with his robots, and that’s how he made it into the Forbes list. I have been standing here to long…….if I don’t move now I might say some dumb ish…..

“Come let’s go mingle, I want to see what snooty Nigerians have to say about life” as I drag him out of our cosy corner. “Finally exclaims Tshepi, you guys have come back to earth to mingle with  us mere mortals” exclaims Tshepi. “Tunde” leaps Amanda at him, “you never returned my calls. Did I tell you that colour looks dashing on you”? “Charlotte, I just have to take a call, I will be back shortly” rushes Tunde past Amanda as if she is an invisible being.