jpemptionjournal

[jpemptionjournal]

11:11

[jpemptionjournal]

Good morning peeps! Today I woke up having a sweet dream about Glory. We were at her house and we were talking and all. She let me stay for one night, without doing anything foolish or sexual. When I woke up, I saw her in the kitchen and I went to hug her and tell her how much I love her and how much I am sorry for taking the decision I took. That I want her back, and she just smiled and forgave me. She told me that she wants to try it one more time. We sat in the floor and started cuddling and telling each other nice things whilst I continue saying sorry. That dream means a lot to me mainly because I actually want that. I want to be with Glory, not so we can be okay and happy all of the time, but that we can go through each difficulty in our life and surpassed them together. Of course, this is not my decision to take and I’m letting the Universe (the Lord) to take its course. If it meant to be, I will know in due time. I will say this, thank you for all the hardship and lovely memories Glory. For all the learning process and acknowledgement through dating you. To actually love someone who is truly important to me. Te amo, por si muero Glory 💙🐼 Te deseo lo mejor en la vida y que siempre vayas por más. Anímate, ¡siempre iré a ti! 💙💙💙💙💙

Log out: May 5, 2021, 5:56am

[jpemptionjournal]

I don’t know why, my peeps. Yet; today feels rather calm. I feel that right now I’m either out of the hurricane or in the eye. I want to believe that I have never been in a hurricane. I am the hurricane and I’m trying to control and be at peace with myself. Tomorrow I will see Glory, I am rather excited because I will see her after two months. I will get to see her blue/green hair and I might hear her voice. i actually miss her voice and talking with her, especially getting to see a movie while cuddling Glory. There’s a lot of things I would love to say to you; but I will let tome be your best friend and pacience because I don’t want to pressure you at all. I only want you to feel comfortable with whichever decision you tak3 since out of love, I will accept your decision. I want to be back with you and prove to myself (to you) how much I still have to give; but if you want me to be a stranger; I will be alright because I know I did wrong and I regret losing you. But that’s something I have to make peace with; just know I will maintain the door open always for you since you are the love of my life. I needed to be outside to notice, and taking time for myself to even know that. Te amo, Glory y que siempre tengas un hermoso día. Te deseo los mejores de éxito y sobre todo que siempre seas tú y que sigas hacia adelante. 💙✨🐼

Log out: May 4, 2021, 3:46pm

[jpemptionjournal]

11:11, Te amo Glory. 💙

4 de Mayo de 2021, 11:11am

[jpemptionjournal]

mental health awareness also means being aware that mental illness can be ugly, and trying, and hard. that it is often uncomfortable and demanding. it is rarely a perfect, quick, lifetime-movie success story. recovery is a long, difficult path.

mental health awareness also means investigating your sense of what a mental illness "looks" like; questioning how you've seen it represented. it means listening to the communities that experience it, it means making sure that you get your information from multiple sources, not just white cishet activists.

mental illness is recursive; it can return and worsen with environmental stimuli even if someone has previously "seemed fine". mental illness is pervasive; it will affect each person differently but it will affect them. even when it is inconvenient to you, even when you don't "understand" what is causing it, even when it has symptoms that are complicated or unusual.

mental illness awareness is also: just because you are "tired of hearing" about someone's illness doesn't mean they aren't tired of experiencing that illness - all you have told them is that you are not a safe person to confide in. i know, as a person with mental illness, that all people can and should have boundaries about what they can hear from their friends. it is important to know if you are in a good space for empathy. there are things that need to just-be-for-my-therapy. but there are kind, thoughtful ways to tell us that you are not able to hold space for us at the moment - we are usually terrified of being a burden. there is a way for you to not be overwhelmed and for us to feel like you support us. this is going to be different across each relationship - and mental illness awareness is being willing to work with that relationship, too.

mental illness awareness is acknowledging that there are a lot of complicated, difficult situations that arise that aren't clear cut for each person. one person might need physical contact during an anxiety attack; the other might need to remove themselves completely. it isn't always easy-to-understand; there are a lot of factors in each relationship that influences how to support that person. every person, regardless of who they are or how they act - every person you know might be hiding a mental illness.

and it is also saying - yes, it is difficult, but it is still worth doing. because you do deserve help and support. each and every one of you.

[jpemptionjournal]

May 3, 2021 2:48pm

I really wish this scene could happen to me one day. I actually getting closer to what my heart desire and I want to you to be there with me, Glory. I want to be there, present and not absent-minded, in your highlight of the day. I want to be there when you accomplish what your heart and mind eagers for, I want to be part of your goals and see them being accomplish. I don’t want to be yours (aunque soy tuyo hehe), I want to live so close to you that I can say I am yours, but you permit me to be there in your life.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EroLWpDFfzs

[jpemptionjournal]

11:11, for you Babu. Te amo 💙 Hope you are having a wonderful day. I have been restraining myself to send you a message because I don’t want to be pushy nor pressure you with my messages. Te amo mucho, panda. 💙 Te deseo lo mejor en el día de hoy y que sigas disfrutando en cantidad.

Log out: May 3, 2021, a las 11:11am

[jpemptionjournal]

Mi deseo en el día de hoy es ser tú pololo y koala ( I mean forever hehe), Glory. Y a la vez, anhelo poder llamarte mi Gordon The Babu, Babu, y mi panda. Te amo, por si muero (disclaimer I’m not suicidal. We used to say this when we were together). May time, patience and you decide what comes for me. Te amo 💙

Log out: May 2, 2021 10:59pm

[jpemptionjournal]

Good afternoon peeps! Update: I work at a Mall selling perfume and I get to encounter a lot of people. Within that a lot of people, I found two Glory’s uncle’s and aunt’s best friends. They started talking to me normally and then all of the sudden they ask for Glory, how were we, if she living were she lives and many others things. I answer them cordially and normally (like if nothing happen, like if I was still with her). Idk why that made me felt bittersweet, acting like if I’m still her partner and knowing the fact that I am nothing. Right now I am writing this at the bathroom because instead of crying (which I did), I wanted to take a pause and write this down. I actually love Glory, but each day is getting closer to Wednesday and I’m getting rather anxious because I do say that I will be okay being just a stranger or friend.... yet I actually do want to try it one more time. I wish I had the control, but that will be so unfair for Glory and for me. She is the one who will decide if she will give me one more chance or nothing. And I have to be okay with that. Not just for her, but for me. Te amo, Glory. No matter what you decide, I will always love you and consider you my one and truest love. 💙🐼

[jpemptionjournal]

May 2, 2021 -1:35am

Here I am again. Writing to the endless void to “desahogarme” and understand my feelings towards Glory. Today I was able to feel okay to say the name of Rabbit (because not saying her name is a way of denying the existence of what happen and that will be going back to my old self). Yet each day I just notice that she was a mere infatuation and she is only a friend. Now, about Glory, today I did ask myself an important question. Do I love her because that’s how I feel or is it since I feel guilt? That was a tough question cause in order to answer that I needed to realize either my sentiments are truth or just a factor of missing her. I let that question sit in while I was working and distracting myself. That’s when it hit me, I saw a person with this black printed white pockadot shirt and I recalled that Glory used to wear a dress with a color blue and red and with symbols (right now I don’t remember if they were skulls or coffins [I am more incline for the coffins]); then again it happen, I saw a person rather strange and I recalled the time I was with Glory at Aguada or Aguadilla trying to find Tako G or a food truck that sold ramen and there was this hobo lady that was looking at me so much and that reminded me that one time Glory (almost wrote grilfriend lol, I wish hahaha ) took me to Firehouse Subs and she took this picture of me. I really miss watching that picture. Then, after work, my mom called telling me she found the bookbag she bought me for my Birthday (she was so extra that she came to my house to give me the bag around 6am or 7am, gosh she is incredible and lovable) and I got so excited that I started smiling and crying of joy. Through these events and many more that I don;t recall at the moment, I do acknowledge that I have certain guilt of going through what I did by leaving her, dating Rabbit after I left her and realizing two months after that I still love Glory... yet that’s not a reason why I feel sentiments towards Glory. Neither I miss the idea of dating her. I do long for creating new memories, taking her to new places and understand her better... being a bit more patient and trying to comprehend her better... that’s what I truly want. Therefore, for this and more, I love Glory because I can’t imagine another person other than her in my life. Can I meet people in my life if I don’t get back with Glory? Of course ! There’s a billion fishes in the sea, yet none will be Glory. Glory is unique, so am I... so is our relationship ( even though we are just people right now.. I hope that change soon). I would love to be with Glory and not meet anyone else, but that is a decision only Glory could answer and take. I am here patiently waiting for your decision and whichever decision you take, I will accept and be okay with it. YOu deserve better and I truly believe that. Just know I will always be here, as a stranger, friend or future partner. Te deseo siempre los mejores de exitos, se que estarás bien cada día más y sobre todo tu si puedes por más. Voy a ti, Glory. Animate, sigue viviendo la vida como lo estas haciendo. Te quiero montòn, Te amo, Panda por si muero (disclaimer i am not suicidal, we used to say to each other all the time... hope it can be forever).

The recent why I picked the smiling gif is because Glory liked that character from Noragami. We used to watch that anime together back in university. I miss watching anime with her. 💙

[jpemptionjournal]

11:11, for you Glory 💙. Te deseo los mejores éxito y muchísimas bendiciones, te amo por si muero.1 mayo

[jpemptionjournal]

Good afternoon peeps. I’m sorry I haven’t written since yesterday. Apparently there’s a rumor going around that I was dating Rabbit since 4 months ago (implying that I was cheating on Glory) and got engaged with her.

Did I had a ring to engage with her? Yes. Did I have her that ring? No, I didn’t. I only have her a ring de promise de noviazgo two weeks ago. That’s when I noticed that I wasn’t really into Rabbit because I was projecting what I wanted to do with Glory. It feels rather surreal. I felt I was going insane in my head.

I just know that I started dating Rabbit getting to months ago. The same amount of time I broke my relationship Glory. I do acknowledge that I bought a both rings because I was impulsive. Especially when I was thinking that was the right choice. Boy; it was never the right choice. I feel ashamed and embarrassed with all this process that has been going on. I learn yesterday that I can’t trust no one with my problem, just with me, my psychologist and eventually to a future partner (disclaimer; I haven’t change my emotions towards Glory. I love her. I actually do. Yet, I need to go without any expectations that we will be back. Especially now, I want to heal and I want that for her too. It is not fair for both of us, yet I do want to be with her. I want her to be part of my life as an amorous partner. Yet if she wants to me to be a friend, a stranger, spit me in the face, slap me my face, insult me, even tell me that she hates me. Then I’m okay. I only want the best for her.

And the rumor about 4 months ago, I found out what it was. It meant that I was going to the army reserve and basic training is basically 3 months (10 weeks).

Log out : April 30th, 2021, 1:20pm

[jpemptionjournal]

Update: I had a mental breakdown.

[jpemptionjournal]

Me lol

[jpemptionjournal]

Esta es mi respuesta antes ti. No espero que lo leas, no espero que me escribas... solamente quise exponer... aunque es medio obvio, pero tampoco quise decir porque. No es que voy a estar persistiendo porque no quiero overwhelm o aparentar que estoy hostigando. El simple hecho que fui a ver su cuenta hoy y ver esos dos post en su cuenta (fueron del 21 de abril de 2021, un día antes de cumplir dos meses de no estar juntos) me sentí que la hostigue. Reconozco que no debo hacer este tipo de cosas no es saludable para mi, por ende solamente lo tome para escribir ese post para mi y quien quiera leerlo... claro está. Siempre me gusta hablar el con mensajes subliminales. Ese quien quiera leerlo sería tu, Glory. El post son simple palabras; y reconozco eso. Pero de verdad voy por más y se que tú también. Voy a ti y anímate cada día. 💙🐼 Puse complicado, se que no estoy en una relación contigo... se que degrade muchas cosas, pero mi corazón siente eso. No estoy soltero, a pesar que lo estoy. Hopefully I can answer the questions that I wrote earlier today.

Log out: April 29th, 2021, 6:02am.

[jpemptionjournal]

The question of today:

Am I lingering for Glory? Is my emotions just part of the process of grief?

[jpemptionjournal]

Good morning peeps!!!! Today I feel rather bittersweet. I have been trying to avoid to overthink and having visual thoughts (I think that’s such an adhd or hopeless romantic thing) about imagining Glory is dating someone. Do feel weird about it?

No, since she does deserve to give herself time and meet people. I could never say she can’t date someone since I practically started talking to Rabbit the day after I broke up with Glory (February 22th, 2021, after 9pm at the Guancha... I haven’t been at the Guancha ever since. Hopefully I can go to have my own kind of closure) and went that same week Saturday. To be in fact, she deserves that. To meet people, to experience and create new memories, to kiss someone, even to become intimate... since she does deserve someone who can be completely vulnerable without being scared of the committing with her. She may have issues, I might have felt I was neglected or not comprehended by her, sometimes felt manipulated, or many other things, yet I knew it was because she was insecure of losing me or not loving me. I remember she even ask me, after watching my mother and her partner, if that’s the way people should love. I remember I told her that love is established by the partner inside the relationship and it doesn’t matter what the people believe otherwise. We were a rather odd couple, I was always high and she was rather neutral (but loving, sweet and caring).

How would I feel if she is dating someone?

I would feel like I feel right now... for the first time, scared of not knowing what will happen. Yet again, I was the one who put myself in this position. As I wrote yesterday, I hope that our love (even though I acknowledge that she might question my emotion completely and I was the one who screw up here so is valid for her to feel that way) can be brighter in the dark.... I don’t want to be your friend, I want to be your pololo. Me dolio cuando vi que no era el pololo, pero yo fui el primero en quitar Gordon The Babu. I guess I was trying to show that I was moving on, I actually wasn’t.

Will I move on from Glory?

Honestly; I don’t know. I am moving forward while keeping the door open. I am doing a good job at that for the past few days. Now, I acknowledge that my friends tell me I have to move on and dismiss even her existence. What I answer to my friends are, I am moving and I will be completely fine. I have always been fine. I know that once I heal (that I don’t know when that will be since this is not a race nor a finish line, it’s a process) I would experience more things... yet I know I will never move on from Glory. The sad realization throughout these few weeks is that Glory is my one and true love. And I am making peace with myself that I will never get the chance to even say “Te amo, Babu” or “Voy a botar la basura, ¿está bien?” Or “Do you want me to scratch your chest?” (I even miss that lmao, I didn’t back then... but internally I like it because me buscaba a mi para rascar. Espero que si algún día ella termina con otra persona[que estaría muy feliz por ella aunque podrido por dentro] sepa como rascarla y escucharla donde y de una manera. Por favor no la rasque fuerte porque su piel es delicado y le puede dejar marcas.). And, even though I don’t want to say this because what I want is to be with her but... , that will be okay. Because I need to focus on me as a priority right now to become better for myself... time will tell if I could ever be with her as a partner.

Me identifico con estas canciones. Especialmente con las últimas dos (Bleeding Love and Dreaming of You) porque sinceramente la quiero... sueño de ella. Rosas es porque de verdad tengo una llamita de esperanza. Ahora, ¡Corre! de Jesse & Joy porque yo soy quien corrí de tu vida... me lo estoy perdonando porque soy humano, tengo mis fallas. Ahora, eso no justifica lo que hice. Fui cobarde y estuve overwhelm con todo en general. Por eso, te deseo mucho éxito en la vida Glory. Te mereces el mundo y debes comerlo a bocadas, habrán días que no quieras y eso está bien. Lo importante es darte ese espacio y luego Intentarlo de nuevo. Voy a ti, a mil. Siempre. Sin embargo, trató ahora ser lo más genuino y vulnerable... dejaría todo lo que no me convenga para demostrar que si voy a mejorar y volver hacia ti. Te quiero, te amo

Y te extraño, Glorivier Mari Morales Ayala (Panda, Babu, Bubu, Bubini, Glowwie, Glow, Glory, Gordon, mi polola), por si muero 💙🐼 (disclaimer I am not suicidal. We used to say this back then). I will move on to become a better person, but I won’t move on from my feelings for you.

Log out: April 29th, 2021, 5:33am