jpreese1218-blog

[jpreese1218-blog]

Holes

Holes....the movie that starred Shia LaBeouf before he became a hottie.  Majority of us saw it.  However, on February 3rd, 2002 that holes project I was doing ultimately lead to my parents divorce.  Let me back up and explain this complex yet comical start to a very interesting childhood.  You see what happened on this day was my dad finally confessed to my mother that he was gay.  I recall at very young age my parents arguing but I never understood why until I got older.  

For 8 years my dad cheated on my mom with his business partner who was also married with two kids.  I guess they felt it was the right thing at the time but guess we can dig into that level of selfishness a little bit later on.  During that period my dad made my mom think she was crazy and caused her to have a nervous breakdown.  You could imagine the relief when he finally came clean in 2002.  Not only did my mom have to face the fact that her marriage was over but then my father gets his photo taken at an AIDS function which is published in the local paper.  You can about imagine how quickly that spread around a small town.  Through all of this she still has to keep it together to raise her then 12 year old daughter and 9 year old son.  See daddy needed to go and find himself since he decided not to face the truth at a younger age.  For the record, trying to suppress your feelings typically never works out in the long run.  

Again, I am sure he had his reasons and logic behind it at the time but dragging my mom into his mess with him is something I don’t think I’ll ever wrap my head around fully.  Acceptance in the 80s and 90s for homosexuality was non existant.  Heck even in 2002 things were not what they are now so in a sense I understand it.  I am sure if he could go back and do things differently he would.  The one thing I am thankful for is the fact that he and my mother have maintained a good relationship through it all.  Not many women would have done what she did in her situation.  

As for myself,  My father and I’s relationship could be described basically like a rollercoaster and now its just to a point of I tolerate him because well “its not worth the energy.”  Now, maybe you’re thinking I'm being a shit because he is gay and I'm still bitter blah blah.  Kicker, I am also gay and have been openly gay since I was 18.  What has caused this rollercoaster with us is simply centered around him and his lifestyle.  His explanations when questioned about his lifestyle is the story of “this is just the gay world” “the lesbian world is different.”  Now yes I am sure it is different however, what about his “gay world” versus today’s “gay world.”  I came up in a time where no on ever cared who I loved.  I was never judged or my life has not been altered because of who I love.  I am also aware this is not the case for others.  

What I can’t seem to grasp is his ways of the open relationships and dating men who are literally younger than me and well now younger than my brother who is 25.  Now, nothing against them personally it seems like being a sugar baby is in fact a legit way of life for some young girls and guys these days.  I also want to be clear that I wish my dad happiness its just always the same circle of getting the young boy who leaves him after 3 years when he sets them up with good jobs and back on their feet.  I think often times what he does not realize, consider, or probably even think about is that even after all these years we try so hard just to have some sort of relationship with him that we tolerate his bullshit.  The times he forgot our birthdays or calls us at 11:30 at night to wish us happy birthday.  The countless high school and college functions he has missed.  I am almost certain he truly doesn't have a clue what either one of us has a degree in or could tell you what we do day in and day out.  However, his bf got a trip to key west for his 21st birthday.  

Honestly, those things don’t have much to do with him being gay because at this point that is irrelevant.  What does matter is how many opportunities he passes up on spending time with us and how he could improve at being a better dad but doesn’t.  Everyone else and traveling to go to the next gay gathering is always more important.  I think I feel more pain for my brother.  I see him trying so hard to hang out with my dad and find common ground with him.  Every time my brother goes to visit him he always has an entourage of gay men there with him.  In my opinion, its disrespectful to him.  He doesn’t have a problem with gay men but he didn’t just drive that whole way to sit in a room filled with gay men saying bitch please or queen please every other word.  I wish some way we could get through to him just to make him understand all we want is for him to just hang out with us and take an interest in who we are as adults.  I never thought I’d be the one needing my dad to put the phone down for 3 minutes just to listen to us.  I continue to pray that he will wake up and notice that we are starting to give up on trying with him.  I also pray for strength to not give up on him even if its been the same story for the last 15 years.  Hopefully you’ll read a happy ending update on this guy.  I know a lot of gay men who are his peers and friends have said they would kill to have two kids like he has.  My response is always “I wish he felt the same.”  

Peace and blessings.